Category Archives: News

Toadsworth Allows Princess To Be Kidnapped To Distract Kingdom Populace From Impending Invasion Of Iran

The Mushroom Kingdom has been in an uproar because of yet another high-ranking blunder on account of their military force.

Once again, Bowser’s forces have seemed to slip through without a hitch to abduct the fair princess and hold the government hostage. The two nations, which have been at perpetual war, have had many an altercation like this. Naturally, the nation’s heroes will rise up to save the day.

At least, that’s the narrative they want you to believe, says one ex-Mushroom Kingdom insider.

Anonymous for their safety

A former aid of the royal family, whom we’ve opted to keep anonymous for their own safety, has come forward to reveal the true nature of this ordeal, which is supposedly a planned move.

Toadsworth, right-hand to the royal family, has watched over generation after generation of the great monarchy. And in that time, he’s grown to be a terrifyingly powerful figure behind the scenes.

Princess Peach was allowed to be kidnapped, unbeknownst to her, so that while she’s away and the kingdom is in panic, Toadsworth may rally the Mushroom Kingdom forces and invade Iran on behalf of their close ally Israel. Toadsworth has been accepting money from an Israeli special interest group for years, and will go to any lengths to see their agendas carried out.

We reached out to Peach’s Castle for comment, one of the Toad’s responded with “AGGAGA OH NO AAAAAAAA AGAHGAGA GAGA HAHAHAHA OH NO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

The Mushroom Kingdom hasn’t made any official moves yet in this inevitable, costly war, but it’s certain they will be making this move, if you follow the trail of money. We can only hope the bloodshed is minimal.

Toadette Gets Illegal Abortion, Revealing Toad(s) Cum Inside Her On The Regular

Abortion has always been an incredibly controversial political issue. The legal matters of human rights, bodily autonomy, a right to life, and consent are a messy business, and it’s natural for a diverse group with different viewpoints to see things in their own ways. Even in a population as homogeneous as the Mushroom Kingdom.

The conservative, nationalist country of the Mushroom Kingdom has long held traditional ideals, but Toads are unfortunately mortal beings with vices like the rest of us. As much as we all would love to never imagine that. Toads don’t just reproduce. They fuck. Toads fuck hard. And sometimes, when Toads fuck, there are consequences.

Toadette, resident of the Mushroom Kingdom, discovered she was pregnant recently. The pink-haired Toad civilian, unable to care for her child with her tennis career (and not too sure which Toad did the deed, they all kind of look alike), opted to end the child’s suffering before bringing them into a cruel world where they could never know the love of a real mother and father.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Abortion, which is strictly illegal in the Mushroom Kingdom because of their deeply religious beliefs, is not something readily available at your local Planned Parent Pipe. Toadette had to find some shady ass people to stick a coat hanger in her and fish out bits of Toad fetus. It wasn’t very pretty.

When Mushroom Kingdom authorities discovered the crime that’d taken place, they bounced in place and shrieked in their high-pitched, nasally voices “AGHAGGAHGAGAA OH NO AGHAHAGA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA OH NO AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AGAGHAGAGA”. The Mushroom Kingdom has never had the most competent law enforcement.

The leader of the Mushroom Kingdom, grand matriarch Princess Peach, was unavailable to offer a statement as she was once again missing from her castle. But the Toads we could reach out to gave us the statement “OH NO AGAHGAGA GAGA AUAUAUGAGU AHAHAHA YAHOO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OH NO GAGAGA GAHAGGHAGAAGA”.

Toadette will be executed for her crimes at a future date.

Kotaku Used Derogatory N-Word Slur At Me In Applebee’s Parking Lot

This just happened oh my god I am literally crying and shaking right now I was at Applebee’s enjoying my 2 for $20 and minding my own business when Kotaku came up to me and started shouting gamer language at me I was so shocked and disgusted I have never felt more assaulted in my life this literally just happened right now this is a true story.

I was sitting at my own table, eating my own 2 for $20, when they just barged in and intruded on my meal, and blasphemed against my most sacrosanct of dinners. They called my 2 for $20’s gay and the f word that means gay, and then they turned to me and called me the n word with a hard r that means African American. Then they whipped out their dick and told me I am an f word that means gay for looking at it, when they were grabbing food off of my plate, my 2 for $20’s, and stuffing it in their foreskin.

When their foreskin was swollen up to about the size of a large plum, they grabbed the bottle of ketchup off my table and generously squirted it on top, before making a “pftpththfhthfthtpt” sound with their tongue while squirting it on my nice Easter Sunday suit jacket, as if they were farting out ketchup onto my outfit.

Oh god oh fuck

The waiter came and asked if everything was alright, and I tried to speak up and say no but Kotaku kept interrupting me, repeating everything I said but louder and in a voice like Goofy from Mickey Mouse, and making those fart noises with their tongue. They told the waiter everything was fine, and the waiter didn’t even question why there was 2 for $20 dripping from Kotaku’s exposed foreskin.

Whenever I’d try to ignore them and eat my food Kotaku would say something about how they were gonna dig up my aunt’s grave and jerk off on her “stupid fat (n word with a hard r) feet” if I didn’t stop eating and listen to them. But if I’d put my food down they’d just stare at me and call me a “stupid (n word with a hard r) cuck”.

I tried to gather my things and leave but they’d stand in front of my face and make every step I took a battle. When I finally got to the parking lot they just circled me calling me the n word over and over. I broke down and cried, but they just wouldn’t stop. It took me a while to get into my car because they’d shut the door on me whenever I opened it. They followed me and kept honking their horn and hurling gamer language at me all the way home. I had to circle my block a few times and only barely lost them when we passed a cop. I parked my car in my garage and am still in there, typing this from my phone.

I’ll keep this story updated as it unfolds.

EDIT:

I peeked out a few times and I still see them driving by slowly every few minutes like they’re looking for me. I’m so scared oh my god I’m shaking right now this is really happening. I’ll update this story again when they leave.

Gearbox Bravely Announces Borderlands 3 Despite Broken Kneecaps And Pressure From Hooded Figure With Gun-Shaped Outline In Their Coat Pocket

Borderlands fans can finally rejoice, Borderlands 3 is officially happening. The third (technically fourth?) Borderlands game was officially announced, promising even more colorful characters and billions of guns.

The announcement came rather out of the blue at around 3AM from a McDonald’s parking lot in El Paso, Texas. Gearbox CEO Randy Pitchford, wearing a makeshift poncho composed of Walmart bags and what looked to be gum scraped off the underside of a park bench, appeared to make the surprise reveal in a rather erratic manner. The entire thing was filmed from his phone.

An unidentifiable hooded figure was with him the entire time, with their hands in their coat pockets. A distinct gun shape could be seen pointing from within aforementioned pocket. Anytime Pitchford would stumble on his words, they would poke him with the pointed shape within their pocket, and Pitchford would correct himself.

At one point during the broadcast, Pitchford broke down into tears, blubbering near incomprehensible gibberish. While most of it was lost to his nasally whimpering, “I’m sorry about Aliens, I’m sorry about Battleborn, please help” could scarcely be made out, before he began sobbing hysterically. I could’ve swore he said “They’re gonna take my bone marrow”, but it was hard to decipher just what was said before the stream cut out abruptly.

Imagine how many dicks she could pleasure at once

Many interesting and colorful characters were teased, and it looks as if more diverse environments will be joining the desert world of Borderlands. From the looks of it, the next playable Siren character will be melee focused, wielding many powerful arms.

Randy Pitchford has not been seen since the announcement, and any attempts to get in touch with Gearbox have fallen through. Their offices have a foreclosure notice on them, and it appears their phone has been disconnected. Their website now redirects to some kind of Russian site.

There is no confirmed date yet for when Borderlands 3 drops, but fans speculate it may be sometime in October.

Tensions With North Korea Escalate After Trump Tells Kim Jong-un To Dig Straight Down In Minecraft

The United States and North Korea have been butting heads for quite some time now. It seems every month or so, Kim Jong-un feels the need to remind everyone that he does in fact possess nuclear weapons and is not afraid to use them.

They’ve had quite a few disagreements, and there was a point where it looked like war was imminent. But then Trump did the unthinkable, and became the first US president to meet with the North Korean head of state. And for a time, it seemed like perhaps negotiations were possible. Tensions were slowly simmering down, and talks of denuclearization actually seemed like a feasible reality.

And now it’s all gone down the drain.

Moments before disaster

In an effort to foster a greater relationship between America and North Korea, Trump and Kim Jong-un had become more or less best buds. Kim would get to golf with Trump at Mar-a-Lago, they’d go out to nice restaurants and basketball games together, and would be up all night talking to each other about dreams they had or playing games online. Kim thought he finally found a real friend.

And in a game of Minecraft the other night, Trump told Kim to dig straight down as a joke, landing the North Korean dictator in hot lava. Quite literally. Everything he’d collected up until that point, lost. The cruel prank prompted Kim to cut off all ties with Trump and America, and vow to get revenge with his nuclear program.

Thanks to our dumb idiot stupid orange Cheeto puff small hand Nazi stupid idiot retard president, North Korea has newfound interest in carpet-bombing America off the map. Trump, who’s only job was to be nice to the guy with the nukes, had to go and pick on the autistic kid. Thanks a fucking lot.

We can only hope and pray that this blows over by the time Kim Jong-un finishes his Lunchables.

Super Mario Maker 2 Cancelled After Controversial “Make Mario Great Again” Ad Campaign Backfires

Fans looking forward to crafting their own Super Mario levels and sharing them with fellow Nintendo Switch players may have to retreat back to their Wii U consoles for the foreseeable future. Nintendo’s embarrassing ad snafu just got the plug pulled on Super Mario Maker 2.

Shortly after the last Nintendo Direct where the official trailer dropped for Super Mario Maker 2, an ad began airing featuring the current President of the United States, Donald Trump. The controversial and divisive political figure was seen playing the upcoming title, building walls to keep various enemies from touching Mario and constructing grand architectural monuments within the game.

As Trump would build, a brightly animated Mushroom Kingdom world would sprout up from the office around him, until Mario and Luigi themselves were right there in the White House with him wearing construction hats with the “Make America Great Again” branding on them. Trump would then turn to a Goomba and tell them “You’re Fired”.

The community, understandably enough, did not agree with this depiction of their beloved Mushroom Kingdom world, and began to protest the ad and the game on social media. Many critics lampooned Nintendo for their “tone-deaf marketing” and for their support of Donald Trump.

Protests in the streets

Following the swift and brutal Twitter backlash, all traces of the commercial were pulled from the internet, the video no longer available on Nintendo’s official Youtube channel. Nintendo’s stock dropped considerably following the boycotts, and in an effort to appease the masses simply announced that the game would be pushed back indefinitely.

Trump, who did not see anything wrong with harmlessly promoting a game, took to Twitter for a rant of his own, which at some point devolved into him ranting about Nintendo for giving in to the “fake news media”, and then finally ranting about the game. He was having a hard time figuring out how to navigate the menus, and was asking how he could add more Bowsers to his level to make the coolest level ever where several dozen Bowsers stacked on top of one another would rush the player all at once. That was the entire stage, just Bowsers.

After stumbling through the menus for a few hours he dropped off Super Mario Maker 2 and ended up playing Fortnite the rest of the night, tweeting every time he died and making vague legal threats at whoever did it.

Make Nintendo Great Again

Super Mario Maker 2, which was originally dated for June 2019, is on permanent hiatus until further notice. Trump, who received his own promotional Switch and early release copy of Super Mario Maker 2 out of the deal, has said nothing but good things about the Switch, citing that the Joy-Cons fit perfectly in his hands.

Barron Trump has also come forward to express gratitude and relief towards Nintendo, as his father now has his own system to keep him busy and won’t loiter outside Barron’s door asking if it’s “his turn to play the Xbox yet”.

Nintendo has not responded to any further comments, questions, or concerns since their last press statement.

Newest Sonic Game Confirmed As “Sonic Forces”, Raises Speculation Of What He’s Forcing

I hope you like Sanic, because it’s gonna be a big year for him. Sonic Mania was pushed back to Summer, which is unfortunate, but Project Sonic 2017 finally got some official news.

The official name will be “Sonic Forces”, and there’s a brand new trailer to go along with that name.

It’s unclear what the name means from the trailer. It looks pretty cool, there’s a lot going on. Kinda reminds me of Sonic ’06 a little.

But what, exactly, is Sonic forcing? What is Sonic Forces? What does this name mean?

Is this gonna be a hybrid Sonic first-person shooter? Is he some kind of covert forces soldier? Or is “Forces” meant to imply that he’s forcing someone to do something? A lot of questions are raised by this name. “Generations” made sense, because it was all about how Sonic had inadvertently made an entire generation into furries. But Forces?

I decided to do a bit of investigative journalism, and used my expert hacking skills to find a Sega employee still logged into their Facebook when they walked away from their computer. I made sure to post statuses of how they were hacked, and made sure to announce how gay they were, but I also uncovered this bit of official concept art.

What Sonic is forcing?

From the looks of this official concept art, it looks like Sonic Forces is looking to recapture the furry demographic, as Sonic Generations and now Mania are meant to appeal to the unloved kids that grew up with a Sega console instead of a Nintendo.

If properly executed, and Sonic can somehow maintain every aspect of their fanbase, it may in turn become one of the most powerful franchises out there.

The Sonic ’06 influence from the trailer could well imply that Sonic Forces looks to explore the human princess on hedgehog bestiality romance concept from the past games, and may go as far as implementing a full-scale romance system. It’s gonna be very interesting to see what direction they take this one.

Sonic Forces will be coming out on Xbox One, PS4, and Switch later this year.

Nintendo Switch Is For Gaming, Not Beating Your Meat

If you were hoping to fire up the Switch’s internet browser on launch day and hit up PornHub to break it in, you’re gonna have to wait.

The latest word from Nintendo’s own president, whatever the fuck his name is, is that the Switch will be a dedicated video game platform at launch.

In an interview with some normie game journalism site, President Nintendo Man revealed that there won’t be too many non-gaming apps at launch. Netflix, Youtube, things like that aren’t a priority this time around, they’re just all working on the games instead.

Something as simple as an internet browser won’t even be one of them.

My favorite

This is a considerable downgrade from the Wii U, which had its own official PornHub support.

While it’s been stated that these apps will be added in updates after launch, it’s still a shame that I won’t be able to use my Switch the way I use my Wii U right away.

I’ll have to keep my Wii U around for porn until they patch in some decent apps, a RedTube app at least, if not XVIDEOS.

There’s a lot of potential there, though. Imagine, porn on the go or porn on the big screen. Seamlessly swapping from one to the other. You could start in your car, take it to the front porch, bang a few out in the kitchen or on the couch, take it to the bedroom and blow it up to the big screen for the big finish, then drag it to the shower with you for the after-party while you clean yourself off. This is really a revolution in fapping.

And for your information, yes, my therapist says I do have a masturbation problem. They’ve been trying to work with me to find the source of it and maybe treat it or something but I just keep going back so I can jack off in their coffee every time they leave the room.

Nintendo Has Gone Batshit Fucking Insane And Needs To Be Stopped

What the fuck, Nintendo? What the actual fuck? What the fuck did you think you were fucking doing? Do you think this is some kind of fucking game? Your fucking business is on the line here you rice-ass mother fuckers.

What is this? What the fuck do you call this?

You didn’t have a hard job. Announce Zelda. Announce Mario. Announce Mario Kart and Super Smash ports. Maybe sprinkle a little more in. Third party support. Give us the price point. A reasonable one. And you’re in. You did it.

And they did that. Kind of. They got the Zelda and the Mario. The rest of the games are kind of in there too. For the most part. But what the fuck is this shit?

I hate it

What’s this hipster-ass bullshit? Is this what we’ll be playing on our fucking rooftops when we’re at our little hipster get-togethers on top of random people’s fucking apartments? You know, like all the young folk do, just hanging out on top of a fucking apartment rooftop in the middle of the city, playing the Nintendo Switch.

1-2 Switch, one of the Switch’s few currently known launch titles, is a game about not looking at the TV. And quite frankly, I don’t want to look at any TV where this game is playing. I don’t want to look at this game. I don’t want it near me. Keep it away from me. I don’t like it.

This was the shit Nintendo opened up their conference with. This game, and some fucking demonstration about a glass of water with ice cubes in it. I don’t know, I guess there’s ice inside the new Wii remotes or something, I don’t really get it. There’s ice in the controllers, they run on ice cubes I guess. I don’t fucking know.

They opened up with a bunch of waggle games, and they kept me waiting. They kept me fucking waiting, and then they announced the real games. Super Mario, Splatoon, Xenoblade, Dragon Quest, a bunch of other RPG’s, a Fire Emblem Warriors game, a whole lot of stuff. But they had to open with fucking 1-2 Switch. They started on their weakest fucking note. And it’s not even a fucking pack-in title, apparently. Who’s gonna buy that shit? No one. No one is gonna buy that shit.

No one is gonna say “hey guys, you wanna play some 1-2 Switch, I brought my Nintendo Switch over”, that’s fucking gay. You know who says shit like that, the hipster-ass mother fuckers in the fucking trailer and promotional art. Nintendo is replacing Miis with hipsters. Everyone gets their own hipster avatar now.

And then there’s the fucking Arms game?

That’ll make for some interesting Rule 34 at least, but it’s all waggle controlled? There’s no real controls to it? I don’t like that. I don’t like that one bit. Don’t do that, Nintendo. Stop it. Right now.

It looks stupid. It looks like Overwatch, but with arms. Arms instead of butts. And I don’t have an arm fetish. You can’t really fuck arms. Some people, they have an armpit fetish. Some people like to fuck armpits. I’m not one of them. I don’t like armpits. They’re stinky and bad. I don’t like them.

It’s not even a launch game either, I don’t think. They didn’t say “launch”, they said “Spring 2017”. Who’s gonna want to buy this shit? The Wii died years ago. We’re two consoles ahead of it now. We’re on the Nintendo Switch now, not the Wii. You can’t just turn in a Wii game and call it a Switch game. This is garbage.

Not to mention the false advertising.

Where are my arms?

“Subscribe for more arms”. I subscribed. But I don’t have any more arms.

Am I supposed to grow them? Are they gonna be mailed to me? Where are my arms, Nintendo? If I don’t get them soon I swear to God I will unsubscribe. Don’t make me do it, Nintendo. Give me my arms.

Local Journalist Sucks Ass, Complains Online And Calls It “Video Game Journalism”

Breaking news, guys. Got some important stuff, hot off the presses. There’s a video game too hard for someone. Quick, someone. Call an adult. We need help here.

Wednesday, March 22nd at 1:30pm, a writer at infamous fake news website Kotaku wrote a very heartfelt “news article” about how hard a particular mission was in Zelda.

ono

Mr. Kotaku Fake Journalism Man goes on to list his many gripes with this particular mission. It’s too hard. He messed up too many times. It took way too long, and it was just very bad. Just the worst, and it took him over half an hour. Maybe more. He was very upset.

Upon reading this, I realized, hey, I’m also just entering this same part of the game in my Zelda playthrough. It just so happened, you know. A real coincidence. I was just exploring and boom. Forest. Right out of nowhere. So I figured, hey, let’s try out this really bad mission. Just to see what the big deal is, you know? May as well get it out of the way.

And I finished it. And to my surprise? It wasn’t even that bad. Maybe I was just better prepared for it? Maybe I was just better at it? Or… could it be… Kotaku, infamous fake news website, wrote another FAKE NEWS ARTICLE?????????

Hey, that's pretty good

The mission in question is a simple stealth mission. While not traditionally a stealth genre, Breath of the Wild actually features quite a bit of stealth options. Enemies can be stealth-killed, and you almost always have options to sneak away from enemies while exploring. So stealth isn’t something foreign to this game.

You follow this little green bitch through the forest, careful not to get caught. He leads you to a shrine. It’s a simple mission. Gonna say it probably took me about 5 to 10 minutes total, counting the two times I got caught. My bad. Whoops. Everyone makes mistakes.

The journalism man notes a number of flaws in the design of this mission. You can’t stray too far from the path, otherwise you get lost. You can’t get too close to the little green bitch because he’ll notice you, he blends in with the environment, and he also has some very strong views on immigration. Very bad flaws. But watch this.

Fake news alarm

Look how close I could get to this bitch. Like that close. I could lock onto him. You see that? So close. And all you gotta do, for the most part, is follow him in a straight line. You don’t need to stay a mile behind him. It’s common sense not to be directly behind him the entire time, but like, what the fuck. Kotaku is spreading fake news again.

The mission isn’t too hard at all. You just follow the little guy. If you pay attention to what he’s doing, it’s not hard. At one point, some tree branches fall down. He strays off the path to go investigate, and then returns to the path. He does, in fact, turn around and walk towards you at that point. But that’s not a problem, because there’s easy cover everywhere.

Uhhhh, hello? Trees and shit?

It’s a forest. Bitch, there’s trees. There’s trees all over. And is that guy so hard to spot? I don’t think he is. Maybe in a still picture, but when he’s waddling around? He’s really not. If you let him get too far, yeah. But if you get too close, the cursor automatically moves around him and like it shows where he is? It’s really not that hard. Unless maybe the fake news man needs new glasses? Maybe, just maybe, all of the fake news they’ve created have clouded their minds from the truth.

It does throw a couple curve balls at you with him suddenly getting scared and running toward you, and a wolf attacking. But like, that’s two things. Not several things that would cause someone to be stuck on a mission for almost an hour. It’s not a very long mission either. It takes a couple minutes to go through the course without messing up.

This guy is just really bad at games. That’s really all it boils down to. He just fucking sucks. Like, how can you be a real video game journalist, like me, and not be good at games? That’s like being a news reporter and being very bad at news. And you just write a whole article about how you’re bad at games? Where’s the ethics in video game journalism in that? There are none. I’ll tell you what. This man has no ethics in video game journalism. At all.

This is just all one big smear campaign, to try and mar the good name of the little green forest dude. Just because he’s green? Really, Kotaku? He’s just on his pilgrimage. It’s a part of his culture. The forest people are a religion of peace.

He might be like, an off-green color. He looks more like tree bark than a leaf. But you’re gonna discriminate against him because he’s not green-passing? That’s still racist, no matter what you think about green people being incapable of racism.

This is just another example of fake news sites sensationalizing something small like this, just to make a major article out of nothing. No, the forest people are not secretly terrorists, just because they fly everyone on their little pilgrimages. No, this particular forest person is not out to get you. He’s on his pilgrimage. And I’m sick and tired of all of these stereotypes dictating how you look at people.

The only reason this article was written was because Kotaku loves spreading fake news to delegitimize the forest people. It’s all to fit their sick agenda. Fake news like this should not be allowed, and I would request that everyone please report Kotaku’s articles to your parent or guardian as fake news so that someone can throw them all in jail already.

Journalism is a form of art. Not your tool to manipulate and control, Kotaku. And I refuse to stand for it.