HEARTWARMING: Man Who Preordered Every Single Animal Crossing Switch To Sell On eBay Will Piss And Shit On All Of Them To Keep Them Warm

Animal Crossing fans the world over were thrilled when Nintendo announced the official Animal Crossing New Horizons special edition Switch console.

The cute console, with its light blue and green Joy-Cons and special Animal Crossing pattern console dock, is supposed to launch alongside the game.

However, preorders were quickly sold out. Much like any limited run video game console, demand is incredibly high, and many people looking to profit off of that demand will purchase consoles in bulk to resell them.

The result is a lot of angry players that don’t get their limited run consoles, and a lot of shitheads with severely marked up consoles that no one in their right mind would pay a couple thousand for. But in this dark side of the collectible world is a little highlight.

The guy that bought all those consoles and is getting ready to sell them on eBay? He’s gonna piss all over them. He’s gonna whip his perfectly average four inch penis out and fucking hose those consoles down until they’re hot and musky with the scent of piss.

Tom Nook and all his little Nooklings are gonna have their cute little faces soaked in steaming yellow piss. The soft, creamy white finish on the dock will be stained a deep amber color, a mix of the vivid yellows and dark browns once he pisses and shits all over those consoles. He might even cum on them too.

Those consoles are gonna be sitting nice and toasty, bundled up in long, moist, serpentine coils of human shit; the boxes filled to the brim with piss like hot water in a cup of instant noodles. There might even be a few corn pieces floating around in there.

If you’re gonna be buying one of these babies off of eBay, you can rest assured knowing that your console will be happy and warm, safely insulated in its piss and shit encasement. No matter how rough FedEx is with your package, those gentle, squishy rolls of shit will cushion the goods and that fragrant, golden nectar will keep it properly moisturized.

Animal Crossing: New Horizons launches March 20th, 2020.

BREAKING: Goku Has Died Of Coronavirus

It’s a sad day for all of Planet Earth. The world’s savior and hero, Goku, has passed away due to Coronavirus, which has been spreading like wildfire across China, Asia, and the United States.

Goku contracted the illness and passed shortly after, there was no known treatment that could cure his advanced state of the disease in time. His body has been quarantined to prevent spreading of the virus to anyone else.

There is no confirmation on whether Goku is dead permanently, or if he will come back again like usual, but doctors say that the Dragon Balls probably don’t have the power to stop Coronavirus so the outlook is rather bleak.

Goku will always be remembered for saving the world countless times and appearing on the hit MTV show Cribs. Let his memory never be forgotten.

Rest in peace Goku. Thank you for all you’ve done.

BREAKING: Fire Emblem Character Qualifies For Next Democratic Debate Over Bernie Sanders

Everyone watching the Democratic debates on February 7th will definitely be feeling the burn, not because of Bernie Sanders, but because a different candidate has just qualified from the Fire Emblem franchise.

Marth, prince of Altea, son of King Cornelius and his wife Liza, indirect descendant of the hero Anri, and inheritor of both the divine blade Falchion and the task of using it to strike down Medeus, the Shadow Dragon; will be joining the debate in place of Bernie.

At the last debate, Marth didn’t really say much, swinging his sword around and occasionally using a powerful counter move to reflect his opponents attacks back at them. But host of the next debate, ABC, has decided that Marth better fit the qualifications for the debate as opposed to Bernie. ABC put out an official statement clearing up how they made this decision.

“We felt that there weren’t enough swordsmen on the roster, and his impressive speed and range really make him a formidable opponent. He also has said nothing about our parent company, Disney, or its CEO, which definitely improved his chances.”

Marth came out on top over Bernie in the polls leading up to the debate, according to ABC, and just barely edged out Minecraft Steve.

Wow! Ben Shapiro’s Tits Now Rival Sister’s After Stunning Impossible Whopper Binge

Burger King’s new Impossible Whopper has been turning heads lately, not just with its impressive flame-broiled flavor, but also with its impressive titty-enhancing estrogen content. One of those bad boys a week will have you up a cup size in no time.

While the delicious soy-based burger has been welcomed with open arms from the many men and women of America that just want some large honkin’ boobies, some critics have raised questions about if it’s truly ethical. Flat chests matter too, after all.

But in a stunning and brave display of progressivism, well-known political commentator Ben Shapiro made a public video of him binging an impressive number of Impossible Whoppers, with his bust growing in real-time as he’d down each one.

At one point his top literally burst open, his tits swelling on camera as he’d swallow each one with an enticing, seductive gaze towards the viewer. Licking his lips after each bite, letting the ketchup and mayo drip onto his massive milkers. Typically it takes weeks or even months to feel the effect, but Ben was downing burger after burger, his body becoming more voluptuous by the second as the estrogen surged through his body.

“You want to touch them, don’t you? Well, you can’t. Because this is a video livestream, and it is physically impossible for you to touch my lactating breasts through your computer, no matter how bad you want to milk me. Sorry, facts don’t care about your feelings.” Ben teased, softly tracing lines over his protruding nipples, which looked like they’d burst from the fabric of his bra.

His dear sister, Abigail Shapiro, happened to walk in during the livestream, and the wetness between her legs could not be hidden. She immediately started to play with herself, and Ben could not resist. His penis had already shrunken up due to the estrogen coursing through his veins, but Abigail immediately tore her clothes off, and then his, and they made out and fed each other Impossible Whoppers until both of their chests had swollen to an unreal size. Then she stomped on his tiny balls and told him he made a much better woman than a man anyway, and then they had hot lesbian sex right there on the table full of Impossible Whopper wrappers, their monstrous tits smothering one another as they wrestled for dominance.

Burger King, have it your way.

Ricky Gervais, 58, Found Dead By Apparent Suicide After Completely Unrelated Roasting Of Hollywood Pedophile Elite

It’s a sad day in Hollywood. Popular comedian and host of the 2020 Golden Globes, Ricky Gervais, has passed away late Monday night. From an apparent suicide. Gervais was found hanging in his room, blindfolded, gagged, with his arms tied behind his back and his legs bound together. There were two unrelated gunshot wounds to the back of his head, which doctors ruled were already there and not the cause of death.

Ricky Gervais gave a rather scathing roast at the Golden Globes, picking on the wealthy Hollywood elite for their ties to Epstein, the rampant pedophilia and sexual harassment cases among Hollywood executives, and their ties to wealthy mega-corporations like Apple and Disney which are responsible for a number of crimes against humanity overseas. This is all completely unrelated to his tragic suicide that just happened to occur coincidentally right after.

I’m sure calling out all of Hollywood on live TV had nothing to do with it, since no one watches TV or cares about Hollywood anymore. And despite numerous people in the audience and in Hollywood as a whole having ties to Epstein, or having sexually predatory tendencies, I’m sure no one took it personally. It was all just a joke, and none of them are really pedophiles or anything. And again, completely unrelated.

It’s purely a coincidence that Leonardo DiCaprio only dates women in their teens and early 20’s. All of the Hollywood celebs and execs that have rode on Epstein’s Lolita Express? How do we know they just didn’t accidentally get matched up with him on Uber or something? I’m sure there’s explanations for all of it.

Remember to buy your Disney, Marvel, and Star Wars POP Figures. Some third-world country brown person slaved away at making it just for you. If you don’t buy it, they’re basically suffering for no reason aren’t they?

Rest in peace Ricky. Everything is okay now. You’re finally safe.

BREAKING: Trump Deploys Annoying Orange To Iran, Violating Geneva Convention And Committing Several War Crimes

World War III is now raging across the globe. There is no hope left for negotiations or peace talks. Iran is now amassing nuclear weapons, and America has made a swift effort to end the conflict before there’s any needless loss of American lives.

However, some fear that their latest move is yet another case of excessive force, as we saw during World War II with Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Trump has called for a powerful bioweapon to be used. The Annoying Orange.

The Orange has already torched several small villages, leveled a city to the ground, and slaughtered countless innocents. Including women and children. The Orange hasn’t spared a single life, except in the case of victims who would suffer greater physical and emotional pain by being left alive.

One Iranian civilian was left with their bones liquefied, writhing and gurgling screams of pain as he aspirated on his own blood, vomit, and liquefied bone matter. The Annoying Orange just laughed. He laughed, and laughed, and laughed. That’s all he ever does is laugh.

Iran is on the brink of collapse, but they’ve sworn to nuke all of their own territory to make sure The Orange goes down with them. If it escapes out into any neighboring countries, the entire world will not be safe.

Peace be upon you, Iran. Your sacrifice will not be in vain.

BREAKING: Iran Vows To Retaliate Against US By Adding Friends Back To Netflix

Iran has vowed revenge against the United States after a targeted air strike that killed Qassem Soleimani, one of their top military figures. While many are in a panic over what is suspected to kick off World War III, Iran has now made an official statement of how they will be getting their vengeance.

“Friends” is coming back to Netflix. After the show was dropped at the beginning of 2020, Iran made sure that it would return, and that all of America would have to suffer through it.

“Friends” is expected to return to Netflix as early as tomorrow, or perhaps today. Any minute now. And there is nothing we can do to stop it.

A fitting punishment for a nation so drunk on its own hubris. The show will remain on Netflix, indefinitely, until the end of time. And we will just have to live with it.

I, for one, am making peace with God and saying my farewells to my family and loved ones. I’m going to be killing myself tonight. May God have mercy on all of our souls.

The Witcher’s Henry Cavill: “I Hate Females And Minorities”

“The Witcher” has been a massive hit for Netflix, and fans of the game series have shown a great interest in its lead star, Henry Cavill. While gamers are often skeptic of TV or movie adaptations of video games, Cavill has proven that he’s not just taking this role seriously, but is worthy of it as well.

“I hate females and minorities. I can’t stand them. I am going to commit a hate crime right now.” Henry Cavill told us in an exclusive interview. “EA bad, gamers rise up. The Witcher is my favorite game. Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.”

Cavill, who is a self-proclaimed gamer, then proceeded to jump through the nearest window and punch out a random woman on the street. It was truly a pro-gamer move.

In response to the show’s amazing success, EA announced that it would make an official Skyrim TV show directed by Todd Howard that you will be forced to pay microtransactions per minute of each episode in order to keep watching. The main character will be a female minority that is also gay. Henry Cavill himself responded by saying that this was not wholesome chungus 100 and did not upvote or give them Reddit gold.

We live in a society.

Prince Philip On Loose After Release From Hospital, First Bite Victim Comes Forward

Britain’s Prince Philip was released from the hospital in time for the holidays, and was allowed to spend time with the rest of the royal family for Christmas. But they may not be spending New Years together, at least not among the living.

On Christmas morning, we got reports that one of his attendants was bitten while trying to put his Christmas socks on. You know, the ones you always get as a gift from your parents that no one actually wears? They tried to make him wear them, and he didn’t like that.

The first bite victim unfortunately could not answer any questions because their skin is now peeling off and they’re foaming at the mouth. But authorities have been struggling to contain both them and Prince Philip himself.

As of right now, we’ve yet to hear anything more from the royal family, and local law enforcement have had a hard time keeping up communication with us. But the authorities have gotten the Special Tactics and Rescue Service involved to quarantine the United Kingdom and make sure this plague doesn’t extend to any other parts of the world.

No one is quite sure what kind of unspeakable disease Prince Philip may have developed. Perhaps it has something to do with whatever unholy black magic they’ve been using to keep him alive. Maybe it has something to do with Prince Andrew and Jeffrey Epstein sacrificing child sex slaves to Moloch. We’ll never truly know for sure.

All we know is that prayers are all we have in this darkest hour of humanity. Please God, have mercy on our souls.

Nancy Pelosi Will Pop Her Pussy On Senate Floor To Impeach Trump

Donald Trump’s impeachment has been all over the news lately. The Democrats have finally moved to impeach, and the House has ruled in favor of impeachment. There’s still the issue of pushing it through the Senate, which will prove to be tricky considering the GOP holds a majority.

But Nancy Pelosi still has one trick up her sleeve that she’s been saving for this exact moment. Her entire life has been leading up to this fateful stand-off, and she will put her entire life on the line to finish this battle. Nancy Pelosi will pop her pussy to impeach Trump.

This gorgeous brunette milf will sway the hearts and minds of the whole Senate with her body. She has been practicing for this, every day of her life. She does kegels constantly. She could peel an onion with her vagina muscles. Every Thanksgiving, she makes mashed potatoes from scratch by inserting them into her sopping wet slit.

Nancy Pelosi’s pussy doesn’t just pop, Nancy Pelosi’s pussy snaps and crackles too. She has such powerful and precise control over her muscles, she can fire projectiles from her coochie at lethal speeds. She could pitch an entire baseball game using only her cunt, and she wouldn’t even break a sweat.

Nancy Pelosi won’t just pop her pussy on the Senate floor, she currently has the articles of impeachment stored up there, and she will hand-deliver them right to the Senate. But with her vagina.

Drumpf is finally finished, once and for all. There’s no chance that he can survive this. The seven trumpets of the apocalypse have been sounded, by one mature, dark-haired angel. That’s right, Nancy quite literally blew seven trumpets with her vagina. That is how powerful she is.

This is not Orange Man’s America anymore. The future is female.