Nintendo’s Hit Mobile Hentai Game Adds New Fan-Favorite Heroes

Fire Emblem Heroes, Nintendo’s most popular mobile game out of all the garbage they’ve put out, has been amassing a substantial following since launch.

People just love collecting anime girls. That’s just what sells these days, especially on mobile. New characters get added all the time, wearing less and less with each new update. But the latest one actually adds existing characters. Fan-favorite ones, but stronger.

And I’m just confused. Something about this just seems off to me.

All of these new versions of characters look really cool. Girl Marth has, like, her eighth form, so you can now make two entire armies out of Marths. Boy Marth, Girl Marth, Masked Marth, Spring Marth, Summer Marth, and now Poking Stick Marth. There’s probably more too, I’m pretty sure there’s a Fall and Winter Marth too.

And then there’s the guy from Smash Bros. He’s cool. But what happened to Mom? You know, purple hair, big anime tiddies? They completely changed her look in this new armor.

For the new characters, they ran a poll for the most popular male and female characters. Marth got second place for female, and Mom got first. Of course. Mom is literally unstoppable. But look at what they did to her.

Where are my mommy milkies

She doesn’t even look like the same character. Her hair is all wrong, and her boobies are smaller. And she has more leg showing now, which is very good, but they’re also not as thick and don’t look like they could kill me.

I don’t understand this. Is this what Mom looked like when she was younger? Is that what this is supposed to be? Or did she get into some horrid car accident and they had to restitch her face using her thigh and tiddy fat?

Either way, there has to be some kind of mistake, and I demand that they fix it. Or at the very least give me the option to make the tiddies bigger. Or to take her clothes off, that would be even better.

The new event starts August 31st, and should be going until September 15th.

Overwatch Gives Fan-Favorite Healer A Big Honking Penis

Overwatch, Blizzard’s popular online shooter, has had numerous updates, patches, and new content added since launch.

Many heroes have been changed. Many have been nerfed, buffed, or completely altered. But none have ever had their in-game model completely revamped. Not to this extent, at least.

The latest major update to the game will completely change Mercy, the popular angel milf healer, into an offensive hero with a massive dong.

In an exclusive interview with Jeff Kaplan, Overwatch’s game director, we got a little insight into why the big changes.

“I-I… I really, really like Mercy… She is so perfect… I want her to ravage me…” Kaplan started the interview, completely unannounced, in an awkward, spastic manner. Really, it wasn’t planned. I was in a Target restroom, and he just kinda came up to the urinal adjacent to mine. I didn’t even know it was him at first.

“I want Mercy’s delicate hands around my neck… I want her to ruin me. I want to suckle her big, perfect mommy milkies while she fills my insides with her love. That’s not weird, is it?” Kaplan asked, almost to himself, before zipping up his trousers and walking out of the restroom. He didn’t wash his hands.

The new Mercy will ditch healing completely, and now focus entirely on dishing out pain. With her engorged penis.

Heroes Take It Dry

She will now play similar to Reinhardt, with a little Roadhog mixed in. Her primary will be a powerful melee, but she can also use her massive dong as a shotgun to blast people both up close and from a distance.

If this new update terrifies you as much as it turns you on, you’re in luck. After the current update, which is currently being tested on the PTR, similar updates are also planned for Mei, Symmetra, and Winston.

With this, Overwatch is just one step closer to finally being the perfect, balanced eSport we all deserve. I can’t wait to get my hands on Mercy’s new dong to give it a whirl for myself.

Square Enix Bringing Back Obscure, Cult Classic RPG

Square Enix has developed some of the greatest RPG games of all time, and have a massive catalog that they could easily be remastering for the newer generation of consoles.

I mean, that’s all anyone ever does for them, remaster and port things. That’s what the PS4 and Xbox One are all about. Playing all of your old games, but newer. And you have to pay for them again.

Square is definitely aware of this, obviously. They’ve remastered like, a million Final Fantasy games already. But the latest game they’ve set their sights on remastering is one probably no one has ever heard of before.

It's Sword Season here at Menards!

Secret of Menards was an incredibly obscure SNES RPG game, which originally only launched in 14 states. Ohio, Michigan, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Iowa, Missouri, Nebraska, Kansas, South Dakota, North Dakota, Wyoming, and Kentucky.

Menards is a midwestern home improvement chain, which partnered with Square in order to promote their business in the 90’s. The game features plucky anime protagonists, lost inside a Menards store, and tasks you with finding the secrets of the store in order to unlock the great savings hidden within.

Of all the IP that Square owns, all the games they’ve developed, why the fuck did they decide to remaster this?

I’ve got no fucking clue, dude. This is some weird shit. I guess Menards must be paying up the big dollars to get this remastered, man.

It’s not clear yet if Secret of Menards will be launching internationally or only in the Midwest again. I mean I doubt anyone knows what the fuck a Menards is, though the store chain has become incredibly popular in Japan recently.

They don’t actually have any stores in Japan, there’s just a Menards-themed café and shit. There’s been talk of an official Menards anime, but nothing substantial has come from those rumors yet.

Help grab onto these BIG savings!

There was a demand for this. People bought enough copies of the original for this to be made. You asked for this, with your money.

There’s gonna be fully remastered graphics and music, and improved gameplay. It’s going to be fully reworked for the new generation of consoles.

Secret of Menards is coming to PS4, Vita, and PC, and is currently slated to release for the North American market on February 15th, 2018.

THQ Is Up To Some Whack-Ass Kung-Fu Shit Again

Recently resurrected studio THQ has been up to a lot of stuff lately. They’ve wasted no time since coming back to life, announcing Darksiders 3 earlier this year, and now something new.

THQ is world-renowned for crafting only the greatest of B-games. Not quite AAA material, but too big to be an indie game. The stuff you find in Steam sales for 5 bucks, or in GameStop discount bins. Yeah, THQ makes those. Like De Blob? Remember that one?

Well just you wait, you’re gonna love this. Picture this. Open-world, post-apocalyptic, kung-fu RPG. Yeah, that sounds exactly like a THQ, doesn’t it?

Their newest IP, Biomutant, looks to be the greatest THQ of all time. Guns, kung-fu, mutant animal robot things, and open-world. Everyone loves open-world. You can never have too many. Never.

I can see myself now, 5 years from now, walking into a GameStop. You know, if they’re still around. And I’d pick up Biomutant out of the $5 and under bin. I’d look at it and say “Wow, what the fuck is this”, and just buy it. And whether it’s ass or not, hey, it was only $5. Can’t go wrong with that, can you?

“Ambitious” is probably a word that fits with what THQ is doing here. Probably. I’d go with “these people are fucking crazy”. I mean, we definitely need to see some more gameplay out of this bitch before we can say for sure. Maybe we should all just play it safe and pay full price for Call of Duty again this year. You know, just to be safe.

Biomutant is currently slated to be in Steam’s $5 and under games by 2019, maybe 2020. Definitely not when the game actually comes out in 2018 though. It’ll probably still be around $20 by then.

Sonic Games Without Furry Porn Are Actually Pretty Good

Sonic the Hedgehog has been iconic ever since his debut, way back in the golden age of gaming. While he’s never quite topped Super Mario in terms of popularity, he’s always had his niche.

It’s hard to write off his charm. He goes fast, he’s way cool, and he’s instilled an innate sexual attraction to anthropomorphic animals in innocent children all over the world. And while his 3D games have been about as much fun as a blindfolded furry convention orgy, his retro stuff has always held up.

The reason for his modern era suffering isn’t a mystery. Sega doesn’t know what to do with him. More furry stuff? Less furry stuff? More Green Hill Zone? More Shadow the Hedgehog, more guns? They got no fucking clue. There’s no pleasing their fans. So the solution was easy.

You know what you want. Make your own fucking game.

Blast Processing

Sonic Mania, available on all modern home consoles, is a breath of fresh air. It’s as if Sonic was running through a tunnel of farts and decomposing bodies, as he often does in those deviantArt comics of his, but he kept going towards the light and found himself in a beautiful meadow with not a furry convention in sight.

Sonic Mania is the game Sonic deserved. That all of his real fans deserved, after all these years. It was made by fans, for fans, and that’s the most beautiful thing about it. Sega actually made a Fur Affinity account and commissioned hardcore fans to make the game. Hopefully other developers adopt the approach too.

I was always of the opinion that Super Mario was far superior to Sonic. Sonic platformers were good and solid, but Super Mario has always been on a completely different level for me. But Sonic Mania is the first to really make me question my stance.

Gotta Go Fast

Bringing back all the fun and nostalgia of retro Sonic, but remixed and shaken up with new content to keep it fresh, Sonic Mania never feels like a nostalgia cash-in. It’s a full, new game. Inspired, and made with love and respect for the source material.

Sega fanboys aren’t hard to please. They could’ve literally made a game that just looped Green Hill Zone endlessly while a deep, breathy voice repeated “blast processing” over and over. That was an option, and everyone would’ve bought it anyway because Sega does what Nintendoesn’t. But they didn’t.

Sonic Mania rewards the player for knowing more about the series, but never punishes newcomers or takes advantage of the inherent nostalgia. The clever Easter eggs and subtle nods are never patronizing, and it never feels like a corny flashback episode.

Sonic Eats Tails' Ass

Level design manages to be intuitive and genuinely genius at some points, even with the returning stages, and they have fun while doing it. It feels whimsical and fun in a way many Sonic games never have. It actually feels like they just asked a bunch of kids to design the game. Which, they kinda did. I’m sure a couple of those guys identify as kids.

The impressive amount of content surpasses that of past Sonic games not just in quantity, but in quality. Power-ups like elemental shields from Sonic 3 return, but in a much more meaningful way, allowing players to interact with elements of the level itself. And the bosses are some of the best designed in the series, with a few surprises thrown in to keep people on their toes.

It’s near impossible to not like Sonic Mania, even as someone that never preferred the Sonic games. The excellent soundtrack, art, and incredibly fluid animation don’t just pay Sonic the long overdue respect he deserves, but stands on its own merits as a pinnacle of retro-inspired games as a whole.

Sonic Eats His Own Shit On Camera

I can’t remember the last time a modern Super Mario sidescroller made me feel the way Sonic Mania did. It really felt like being a kid again, in that magical, wonderful way.

Sure, it might just be part of Sega’s plan. Bring out the kid in us with Sonic Mania, then have Sonic Forces touch the shit out of the kid in us when that comes out. But for once, the future of Sonic is looking exceptionally bright. Maybe, just maybe, his days as a living toilet are over.

That artwork will never disappear off the internet, and those fanfictions will remain online forever. But his games might just be his redeeming factor from now on. And I’m 100% okay with that.

Big News For EA’s Epic Space Trilogy

It’s here. It’s finally here. I know you’ve all been waiting for this very moment.

EA just announced some huge news for their iconic space epic. They know you’re not too happy with the last installment, which was critically panned by many.

They know that you’re upset. They want to make everything better. They mean it. In fact, they’ve pledged their full support to the IP. You won’t have to worry about the future of the series anymore.

Every choice you make will matter. The fate of the galaxy is in your hands.

That’s right.

Star Wars Battlefront 2 will have space battles. Fucking space battles, dude, how epic is that?

You can see a ton of different planets and characters. You can be fucking Yoda, dude. In a space ship.

EA’s great space trilogy is finally getting the game it deserves. They’re so sorry about the first Battlefront, it won’t happen again, promise.

Remember, every choice you make will be important. There will be tons of choices to make, when you start spending your premium in-game currency to customize your loadout.

Yup, with this major announcement, it looks like EA’s gonna start giving Star Wars the respect it truly deserves.

Oh, yeah, and some other EA game got canned. I dunno, it must’ve not been all that important, they didn’t even put the name in the announcement.

I think it was like, Master Chef: Amsterdam or something? Yeah, they’re done with that. No DLC, the studio was shuttered. Oh well. Not like anyone really cared about Amsterdam anyway.

Star Wars Battlefront 2 is dated for November 17th. Don’t forget to try the beta.

And remember to preorder that cool new Bioware game, Anthem. Bioware has truly done it again.

The Only Character Anyone Actually Cares About Is Finally Announced For Fire Emblem Warriors

Don’t worry guys, it’s finally official. You can all go preorder Fire Emblem Warriors now.

People got to get their hands on Fire Emblem Warriors at Gamescom, and our fears have finally been put to rest. Mom is playable in the game.

Mom has been a fan-favorite character in Fire Emblem ever since the second game in the series, Fates, released for the 3DS. You can catch a tiny glimpse of her in the new teaser trailer below.

It’s hard to deny Mom’s charm. She rides a dragon and has really big boobies that you can look at. And she doesn’t even get mad at you for looking at them. Why can’t real girls be like that?

This is a Warriors game, so like Mom will probably have some wild jiggle physics. I couldn’t really get a good glimpse during the trailers and gameplay things, but that’s what it looked like to me.

This is the only thing that makes the game interesting and worth buying. If they had made a game with only her, no one would have minded. In fact it would’ve only sold better.

No one cares about gay virgins with blue hair that wear tiaras like some kind of queer. That are gay. Look it up on Tumblr. I’m only stating the facts here.

You can watch some more gameplay footage here if you really want, but it’s not necessary. It’s a Warriors game, they all look the same.

Fire Emblem Warriors will be out for Nintendo Switch and 3DS in Fall, 2017.

Nintendo Adds Clown Inflation Fanservice To Popular Fisting Game, And More From Gamescom

Fans of Nintendo’s popular new fighting game, Overwatch, got some good news today.

Fans of inflation porn also got something to celebrate too. And clown porn. That’s right, Nintendo unveiled a brand new character. And this one is gonna go over really, really well with the internet.

Joining the cast of diverse cartoon wives, French inflation porn clown Widowmaker will bring classic French weaponry like nunchucks and stamps to battle.

She will be giving sexy Asian noodle girl Mei and cute mech expert D.Va a run for their money, with her winning smile and charming personality. And her inflatable body parts.

Nintendo revealed her, along with some new maps and weapons for Splatoon 2, ahead of their Gamescom event. You’ll now be able to blow bubbles on a pirate ship in Splatoon, something people have requested since the game’s launch.

Their announcements were wrapped up with a little tidbit on the SNES Classic.

Miyamoto came up on stage toting two of them under his arms, put his lips to the mic and said “Good luck getting one, cuck”, before booking it for the fire escape.

No one ever found him, and he refuses to answer his phone. It goes without saying that it’ll probably be impossible to find the SNES consoles too.

You’ll be able to catch up on all of Nintendo’s Gamescom stuff here.

Or, for the intellectuals, you can stay tuned to Lord Waffle King Dot Com, where we will cover all of the important stuff.

Xbox One X: Scorpio Edition Unveiled, Will Include Live Scorpions

The future of gaming is upon us. True 4K gaming is here at last.

Microsoft’s feared new console, the most powerful of all time, Xbox One X, was shown off today at a pre-Gamecom press briefing.

They needed to pull something big and prove to the world that Microsoft was not a company to be trifled with. And they sent a stark warning, to Sony, and to the game industry. In a terrifying display of power, Microsoft had their demo units level the US territory of Guam, which is now a smoldering husk.

And you can get your hands on one, this November.

Early adopters of the new console have the chance to get their hands on the “Project Scorpio Edition”, the special launch edition of the Xbox One X that comes bundled with real, live scorpions from Northeastern Africa.

“We wanted the console to really pack a punch, enough to give our dedicated gamers the thrill they seek out of a true next-gen platform. And we figured the best way to do that was with a homage to the name, Project Scorpio.” Xbox head Phil Spencer told us in an exclusive interview.

The live scorpions will be lining the packaging of the new console. Should the player be stung while trying to retrieve it, they will need to earn enough achievements in-game to redeem for the antivenom on the Xbox Live Marketplace.

Exclusive Project Scorpions

The scorpions, which will have the Project Scorpio logo laser-engraved in bright green, will be exclusive to the Project Scorpio edition of the Xbox One X.

If the Xbox One X is too hardcore for a casual gamer like you, Phil Spencer also presented a couple new Xbox One S models for, and I quote, “pussy-ass casuals that can’t handle a couple live scorpions”.

Pussy Box Ones for the pussies

The Minecraft one actually looks pretty nice, but there’s no scorpions in it, so that’s kind of a deal-breaker for me. Now that I’ve felt the rush of true 4K gaming, I don’t think I could ever go back.

The Xbox One X Project Scorpio Edition will be launching November 7th, for $499.99.

Additional scorpions will be available at a later date from participating retailers.

Talentless Alt-Right Leader PewDiePie Calls It Quits Following Charlottesville Attack

The war on Nazis has taken a big step today. One of the alt-right’s lead generals has fallen.

After the tragic killing that happened in Charlottesville, a lot of people have been forced to reconsider their alignment in the upcoming Civil War. Does the alt-right really want to be associated with a bunch of pasty white kids with tiki torches? Probably not.

But one person of interest, a Mr. Felix PewDiePie Trump, has officially stepped down from his post as commander of the alt-right “Bro Army”, which is short for “Brotha Killing Army”.

PewDiePie clarified his feelings in a YouTube video, stating that he’s not censoring himself, but merely distancing himself from the alt-right, because he’s embarrassed by, and I quote, “how fucking cringey they all are, worshipping a cartoon frog, calling for the oppression of LGBT people while at the same time lusting over their cutie trap anime gf that, according to them, is NOT gay”.

Pewds has settled for casual racism, like passively checking to make sure his wallet is still there whenever a black man walks past. Extremism is too much for the YouTube star to handle.

The incident in Charlottesville has been an eye-opener for many, on both the left and right. How violent and bloodthirsty the right is, and how bent on erasing history the left is. I mean just look at this beautiful statue they tore down.

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The beautiful, historic relic depicts a proud, Confederate general. In all his racist glory.

It’s a tragedy to see such work destroyed like this, especially something that most likely belongs in a museum. You can’t just whitewash history to your standards, guys. These are important artifacts.

You know, the second we remove the word “racist” from the dictionary, there won’t be a word for racist anymore. Would that really solve anything? I don’t think so.

Either way, I’m sure the left is celebrating now at the fall of the once great PewDiePie. Black men can now roam free without being “bro fisted”, which is slang for “brotha fisting”, a form of anti-black sucker punching.

We did it guys. We won. Racism is over.