Sony Weighs In On Nintendo Switch Success, No Plans For Hybrid Market

The Nintendo Switch has been enjoying runaway success since launch, and many people in the industry have taken notice.

Many developers have started including the Switch for their big budget titles. Many have started porting things over to establish a library on the platform.

But Sony doesn’t see the money in it. Sony, the current reining leader of the industry, sees no opportunities at all with the hybrid console market. They don’t even understand how the Switch could possibly be selling.

The fuck you mean people are buying it?

We got to sit down with Mr. Yoshida for an exclusive interview, in which he seemed rather upset. The table was littered with strange devices, which looked something like PSP consoles, but somewhat sleeker and more modern.

“We at Sony really do not see any long-term opportunity within the hybrid console market. In fact, we’re fairly certain that there is no such thing as a Switch. I have not seen them at stores anywhere, and the boxes on eBay that are being resold by scalpers are probably just filled with rocks. My personal theory is potatoes, they are more lightweight and seem more believable.” Yoshida explained.

“The consumer has already demonstrated that they have no interest in these consoles. They didn’t buy the Vita. If the consumer had no interest in playing console games like Mortal Kombat or Playstation All-Stars: Battle Royale on the go, why would they buy this fruity toy?” He went on, but immediately stopped and grew silent when I questioned him on what a “Vita” was. He immediately insisted I leave the room, and began to scream for security.

Later in the evening I received a phone call from an apologetic Yoshida, which sounded like it was coming from inside a shower. He profusely apologized, and promised me that the PS5 would actually be a new PSP console, and would launch with Knack 3. He immediately hung up, and any attempts to get in touch with him have lead nowhere.

As to what this might mean, I am not entirely sure. But the official statement I’ve been given from Sony reads “We have nothing to say on the matter”, and “Knack 3 is currently not in development”.

Yoshida has left me on seen ever since, and I have been patiently awaiting his response. I will be updating this story when he gets back to me.

Hey Kid, Ya Wanna Buy Some Space Wizards?

Big budget games walk a very fine tightrope. They take incredible funding to produce, and need to make that all back and then some.

As technology has advanced, consumer demands have grown, and the amount of funding that games require has skyrocketed. AAA, big budget games can’t be made by a couple of Asian men in a garage with a calculator anymore. They need entire teams now. Departments, even. More people are involved in these projects than there are living in the state of Wyoming.

But there’s only so much one person can pay for a video game. This is where things get a little murky. How much is too much? Does it differ between games? When we pay the full price of a game, what are we even paying for? Are paid DLC and microtransactions acceptable, and if so, to what degree?

These are all very important questions we need to consider. Unless you’re Activision, because in that case, it doesn’t fucking matter. Those fucking idiots will eat up your shit regardless. Ha ha, fuck you consumer. This is what you get for trying to have fun and joining the hype. That should teach you to ever be excited about a video game again.

Space wizards are pretty cool though

Destiny has been one of the most influential titles of the new generation of consoles. The MMO-lite style has gone on to inspire a number of titles in similar fashion, and the industry has been forever changed by it. Not the genre, though. Not just the genre, at least. No, the most inspiring thing about Destiny has been its business model.

The MMO genre was pretty big in the past, and titles like World of Warcraft have dominated the wallets of many. You’d be surprised how many people will pay just to have virtual friends and pretend to be a horny elf on the internet. And though they’ve fallen out of style, the industry has learned. They’ve learned how many times you’re willing to pay for a game that you already own, and they’re bringing those business models over. Adapting them, perfecting them.

Since Destiny’s launch, people have had to pay quite a bit just to experience the whole game. A full $60 game, more if you reserved one of the special editions. Two $20 expansions in its first year, bringing the total up to $100 for the first year alone. But if you wanted to play more the year after, you’d need to pay $40 for that expansion, and $30 the year after that for a grand total of $170 on game content alone, though the number can certainly be higher depending on which versions people bought and if they’d given in to any of the microtransactions that were slowly introduced, before being violently stuffed down the throats of anyone trying to play the game.

But we haven’t even touched on what the game even is yet. Not that it really matters to the people that made the game.

It's like an alien but with a medieval name so it's different"

Destiny is an RPG shooter hybrid, mixing the fun of MMORPG games with guns and space, but toned down enough to work on a console. A space fantasy epic, Destiny had a lot going for it. It was ambitious, it was new and different. It was developed by Bungie, the Halo people, for the new Xbox One and PS4. Sure, it was on Xbox 360 and PS3 too, but that was only because people would still pay money for the game on those consoles. It was really the real start of the next generation. Halo is dying anyway, we needed something to take its place.

It wasn’t just space though. It was space fantasy. With space wizards and shit. Like if someone just took World of Warcraft, but pushed it into space. It was gonna be like a real MMO, with a grand story and in-depth lore. There was a 10 year plan. 10 whole years of epic space wizard lore.

The real tragedy though, is that the game wasn’t actually too bad. Flawed, and definitely a ghost of what it could have been. But you can see faint hints of the game’s ambition, somewhere between the microtransactions and endless, mindless grinding.

You can ride things too

Destiny is a mess. It could have been a full-fledged RPG, and yet it was both stretched out to become an MMO and then stunted to be a “lite MMO”. The mechanics are all fairly solid, it feels like Halo from a shooting standpoint, and the RPG mechanics aren’t super in-depth but there’s lots of numbers involved. Numbers mean RPG, right?

And yet at the end of the day, Destiny is still a fairly empty game. A problem that’s partially remedied by the expansions, but not even. Because while they can definitely add content, they can’t give Destiny the soul that’s been stolen from it. The tone of the gameplay, the attitude the game has.

Destiny is the avoidance of a game. Destiny doesn’t want you to play, it doesn’t want you to have fun. The grind is not fun in Destiny, but that’s all there is. The microtransactions are there for you to skip the grind, so you can jump right to the front of the line to join the better grind. The grind that all of the cool kids are playing, grinding for whatever grind comes after that one.

Hey guys, don’t play Destiny. Yeah, the people that made this game, they don’t want you to. Just pay them to skip the game. It’s really not that good anyway, and it takes so long just to level up. Just don’t play it. You should buy it and play with your friends, but like, just skip all the boring parts.

Shoot big things

There are high points to Destiny. The biggest pay-offs are the raids, though there aren’t too many and they’re mostly the stuff you’d have to buy separately in an expansion. But they are there. And in order to get that far, you’ll need to grind until you’ve hit the right level, playing through the not-so-great parts of Destiny until you’ve worked your way up that far. Unless you’d rather just take the easy route and pay for the ability to play.

The mechanics have been nailed in better, less expensive games in the past. Borderlands is a fantastic shoot and loot hybrid RPG kind of series, one that doesn’t lock you into paying for the same game multiple times or even playing online. Abundant with content, that doesn’t punish you for wanting to play it. And Borderlands, wildly enough, has a more cohesive plot. That whole 10 year plan thing? Yeah. there’s no story. All that lore? Yeah, it’s in there. Somewhere. You could probably find it if you dig around, read a couple paragraphs. There’s space wizards and things.

And an explosion

Little secret for you, anyone could write a Destiny. You just need to know which words sound cool and combine them. There’s probably some kind of online generators you could use too. It doesn’t even need to make sense, it’s only an MMO. Here, yall mind if I Destiny real quick?

The Council has called for you, Great One, to combat the Ancient and save the planet. The Ancient is an evil that is threatening to destroy the whole galaxy. Please, watch out for the Worms. Worms are an ancient race bent on destroying all of us. Use the Force, save the Watchers. Only you can unite the Kingdom of Moonlight and drive out the Bees of Mercury.

The trick is to capitalize words to make them look important and ominous. Watch out for the Worms. Not just worms, but The Worms.

L O R E.

And a giant ball

The game has been out for a while, and you can buy all the content in a collection now for not that much at all. But there lies the biggest problem of all. Was there ever a right time to buy Destiny? Anyone passionate enough to dedicate their time to it would not have waited until the full collection came out to pick it up on sale. If you wanted to ride the hype and have fun with everyone else, you would’ve had to be first in line to get fucked over along with the whole community.

You don’t have the same experience as they do. You don’t understand what they felt, you don’t get the same enjoyment they do. Was there a time in-between that was a good time? After the first expansion? The second? When there was still some hype, but it would’ve cost almost three times the cost of a standard game?

Destiny was a game at one point, I’m sure. Someone over at Bungie had a vision. Space wizards and shit. But that person is dead. Men in suits circumcised Destiny, draped the foreskin around a cactus, and charged people to give it a lick. Sure, some people might really enjoy it. And they’d never know the difference.

Me when I read Destiny lore

But Destiny could have been more. It could have been an actually good game, not just something that’s fun because that’s what the gang is all playing. Because anything can be fun with friends. You can have a good time flushing milk down the toilet if it’s with a couple of the lads and everyone’s having a good chuckle.

Destiny sets a new precedent for punishing players. Punishing players for jumping on too soon, or too late. Punishing players for trying to play the game without spending more than the standard $60, and punishing players for just wanting to skip the bullshit and have fun. This is what you get for playing Destiny. In a world saturated with all sorts of RPG games, all of which demand a substantial time investment, this is what you get for not giving us more money. Everyone is doing it, come on, don’t you want to be a gamer?

Come on, it’s fun to ride the hype with your friends. Real gamers are used to this now, every game is doing it. It’s just a little $200 and hours of your life you’ll never get back. And hey, your progress doesn’t carry over either.

But remember, it’s not about the destination. It’s about the friends you make along the way.

Rockstar Announces L.A. Noire Remaster, L.A. Noire Mega Party Games For Switch

Red Dead Redemption 2 might have been delayed until next year, but Rockstar hasn’t been sitting on their ass doing nothing. We will be getting a game from them this year after all.

They’ve officially announced that L.A. Noire will be getting an HD remaster for the PS4, Xbox One, and even a VR version. The critically acclaimed 2011 detective crime drama will contain all the DLC, improved graphics, and more when it launches November 14th.

But wait. There’s more.

Rockstar has also taken notice of the runaway success that is Nintendo’s Switch console. And they want in. But while porting L.A. Noire to the Switch would be simple, they’ve decided to tailor the experience to better fit the platform.

Fun for the whole family!

L.A. Noire: Mega Party Games! will be launching on Switch this holiday. You’ll be able to get the whole family together for some gritty, detectiving fun.

Grab a Joycon and partake in one of over 100+ mini-games. Use the motion controls to shake down suspects for some clues, match rape kits with DNA samples, and experience the HD Rumble of crunching skulls with some wacky crowbar fun!

You’ll be able to play as your Mii, and can get special Nintendo-themed trench coats for each Amiibo you scan in.

L.A. Noire: Mega Party Games is currently slated for 2018, at least a solid year after the real version comes out on all the real consoles.

Ubisoft’s Aggressive Alt-Left Tendencies Continue With Race Warmongering Cartoon Game

Ubisoft has been a very left-leaning publisher for quite a while. Every single Assassin’s Creed game always has that thing where they say the game was developed by a diverse cast and all that.

But their steady drift further and further left has been building up over the years. First it was with Assassin’s Creed: Syndicate’s black, transgender, non-binary Jewish protagonist. But now, they’ve taken things a step further.

White genocide is now

South Park: Fucking White Male, will be the first video game of its kind, a piece of radical propaganda intent on dividing the globe even further, all while playing into the game of those who rule from the shadows. The French.

Just listen to this. South Park will actively punish all players for their chosen skin tones. Regardless of which tone you pick, unless you choose the middle option of “French”, you will lose.

Players that identify as being of African descent will actually prompt their video game platform of choice to constantly dispatch SWAT teams to their house during gameplay. And should players choose the white option, their game will promptly lock them out of it and force them to watch the game play itself, all while reminding them at regular, 10-second intervals of the countless sins of their people and prompt them to give up all worldly possessions to an impoverished non-white family to sate the crushing guilt of their existence.

Black Power

Unfortunately, simply choosing a different skin color isn’t a solution either. Players’ Kinect or Playstation Camera sensors will automatically detect skin tone. White players choosing black players will be instantly banned from Ubisoft’s servers on the grounds of “hate speech”, as they are committing virtual blackface. And on the flipside, black people choosing white characters will instantly have the melanin drained from their bodies and live the rest of their lives as Michael Jackson did.

The goal behind this absurd propaganda piece? Divide and conquer. The French have played us for way too long, and I believe we all need to wake up to their scheme. Surrender to every war, ever. Make your national flag the white flag. Make sure everyone lets their guard down.

No one would ever suspect the French. But I know. I know what’s in those baguettes. I’ve seen Rugrats in Paris: The Movie. I know what kind of weapons they’ve got in development down there. Do you know what they put in escargot? Slugs. They’re trying to poison us with slugs. Those filthy bastards.

Together, as Americans, we will stand. Together, we will protect the American Dream. We’ll show those Frenchies what happens if you fuck with the U.S. of A.

Nintendo And Build-A-Bear Team Up For Disgusting Furry Sex Paraphernalia

Nintendo has been on a roll with whoring out all of its franchises as of late. They’ve finally caught on, merchandising is the ticket to big money.

Cheap plastic, t-shirts emblazoned with logos or characters, it’s all so easy. Two birds with one stone. People are paying for free advertising. Walking billboards, constant reminders of their products seated right in your own home. And people eat it up all so willingly.

But Nintendo has crossed a line now. They’ve gone too far. In a world where businesses and corporations can do as they please, they have finally committed an act so vile that the world must speak out.

Disgusting furries

Build-A-Bear Workshop and Nintendo have teamed up to bring furry sex dolls to children and creeps the world over. Parents all over are outraged by this gross misstep, with companies really trying to sell their children furry paraphilia.

Build-A-Bear’s new Eevee plush, which sports a 14-inch deep fuckhole under its tail and vibrating insides, is currently still being sold in stores and online despite the backlash. They’ve actually been incredibly popular. And it’s not hard to see why, with their cute little outfits that all have conveniently placed holes or openings near the tail.

The dolls can be purchased themselves for $28, or they can be purchased in the deluxe bundle that comes with all his little outfits, a jar of Vaseline, a vibrating Pokeball, and an exclusive Barry White mixtape featuring compositions by Pokemon’s very own Junichi Masuda for the low, low price of $62.

I am OUTRAGED

Tell me what that could possibly be for besides putting your penis inside. Yeah, I didn’t think so.

The aim was simple. Furries have been a massive profit point for Nintendo ever since Pokemon first launched. Everyone wanted to stick their dick in a Pikachu. It was all people ever talked about back then. As the series went on, more and more Pokemon were designed to excite and titillate the audience.

Get the kids on board with pokephilia from a young age, and then keep them hooked all through their teen and adult years. But I will not let this degeneracy touch my kids. Only Jesus can.

Stand up to furries. Stand up to big businesses trying to indoctrinate our kids into obscene animal sex cults. Go to church. Please. Only you can end this madness.

Nintendo Declares War On Memes, Makes Preemptive Strike On Bastion of Shitposts

This is a sad day. Not just for me. Not just for you, or even the gaming community as a whole.

This is a sad day for the universe. A void will be left, in the world and in our hearts, that will never be filled, possibly ever.

Nintendo has officially announced that Miiverse, the Nintendo exclusive social networking platform, will be coming to an end. All good things must come to an end. But the legends will never die.

Legend. Dairy.

You can request to save all of the memes you worked hard to create by following this link and requesting for Nintendo to back up all of your posts for you. But still.

An era is coming to an end. I don’t think anything will ever be quite as good, or pure, as Miiverse. The world will be a darker, crueler place without it.

the truth hurts

Some reports are stating that ISIS is taking responsibility for Miiverse ending, but there are no confirmations at this time.

President Trump has issued a state of emergency up until November 8th, which is the date Miiverse is scheduled to die. No one is required to go to work or school up until the end of the year, as a period of national mourning.

Some are even calling for Miiverse to be made a saint, a request that the pope is 100% behind. He is currently in Vatican City, meeting with Jesus and Iwata to discuss the arrangements.

It’s okay to cry. Don’t be ashamed. We can all cry together.

Street Fighter V One Step Closer To Being Complete Game With Latest Character’s Nude Mods

Street Fighter V, which originally launched its open beta back in 2016, is almost finished. Almost. They’ve been adding new characters and modes, and it’s just about there.

But their latest character, I’d say, is probably the best one they’ve ever released. Like ever. I’m really liking her, the art I’ve seen of her online is really nice. The boobies and butt are really big, and they’re a nice shade of brown.

Her name is Mentos, and she’s a stripper of some sort. She belly dances and does things with her feet. And she’s got magic orbs to attack with. Remember, pull them like you’re starting a lawnmower.

But don’t let this trailer fool you. She’s a lot more than just something to jerk off to. She’s a playable character too.

Just look at these incredible shots of her being used to attack people. She really does it.

Incredible, she does the street fights

She is my new favorite street fighter. Out of all the street fighters in Street Fighter, she is my new favorite.

She is even better than the girl with the very big thighs that crush skulls like puny egg. No, not Zangief. The Asian one. But I think I would like them both even better if they kissed and maybe touched each other’s boobies. Again, not Zangief.

Mentos is playable right fucking now, so if you didn’t pay the full price for Street Fighter V’s paid open beta, now is the time to do it. Or maybe just watch videos on YouTube, or wait for some nude mods.

It’s your life, I can’t tell you what to do, mate. If you’re just gonna sit on your computer and scroll through safe for work websites that show just enough for you to whack it in public, by all means.