Black Lives Matter Protests Latest Super Mario Game’s Lack Of African Castles

It seems Nintendo has found themselves in hot water once again. This time with the Black Lives Matter movement.

The very promising open-world sandbox platformer, Super Mario Odyssey, has come under fire a number of times since it was first announced. Mixing the colorful world of Super Mario with various real-world locations, surprisingly, is a recipe for disaster. There’s been a public outcry about Mario’s different outfits being acts of cultural appropriation, rants about the clich├ęd and misogynistic plotline, and even a week where people were scared Mario would be classified as a hate symbol thanks to the alt-right.

But it seems all of Nintendo’s struggles to remain family-friendly aren’t over yet. Now, their depictions of the desert-like Africa level has ruffled some feathers on Twitter.

Enough white castles already"

The Sand Kingdom of Super Mario Odyssey is a massive, sweeping world, spanning everything from Egyptian pyramids to a Central American-themed town of Spanish-speaking skeletons. It’s a bubbling melting pot of diversity. And yet not quite diverse enough for some people. Namely, the African American population, that feels their homeland of Africa is being misrepresented.

While the other great, predominantly white kingdoms span massive metropolises and great, extravagant castles, the African kingdom has no castles, and no African American characters of nobility.

This has become a talking point among Twitter’s African American users, whom feel that African history is being twisted by the white man once more. Where are the sweeping, technologically advanced, futuristic African cities? Where are the great kingdoms and African castles? This matter is emphasized by Super Mario’s explorer uniform, which some have pointed to as yet another symbol of white supremacy.

Damn wypipo

“Our homeland is not a circus attraction for you to explore and conquer at your leisure. We don’t want to be invaded, we don’t want you in our land. This outfit itself is a mark of privilege, to treat another’s very home as a novelty to be poked fun at and used for entertainment” one particularly angry protester ranted on Twitter, demanding that Nintendo change both the level and the uniform.

Nintendo has yet to say anything on the matter, leading some African American gamers to stage a boycott of the game, some even going so far as to line up and kneel outside the Nintendo World Store as a show of resistance to the rampant white nationalism in their video games.

We will be updating this story as more information comes to light, hopefully Nintendo makes a public response soon.

Super Mario Odyssey is currently slated to launch on Nintendo Switch on October 27th.

“Visceral Games” Shuttered As EA Kills Promising “Uncharted-Like” Star Wars Title

Bad news for Star Wars fans. Just as soon as Star Wars fever was sweeping the nation, with new movies and a promising video game deal, it seems the dream isn’t long for this world. There’s been a disturbance in the force, and it starts with a capital E and ends with a capital A.

That’s EA, or “Electronic Arts”, the infamous game publisher hated more than both Jar Jar Binks and the international Jewish Illuminati conspiracy aiming to destroy us all. Combined.

While they promised a lot of big things out of their exclusive deal with the Star Wars franchise, it seems one of their big games has already been more or less canned.

Visceral, the people behind fantastic games like the Dead Space series, is dead. The promising “Uncharted-like” Star Wars adventure RPG they were working on, dead. The husk has been taken, re-purposed, and will be made into something else Star Wars. Something that will fit into their new “video games as a service” mantra.

Games like Destiny or Overwatch, games that bring in a steady stream of money, are all the rage right now; where the fun can be immediately shut off should the developers want you to move onto the next big thing, like in the case of Destiny 2. None of your stuff carries over, all of those loot boxes you bought are now worthless. But here’s some more loot boxes for you. Don’t forget to buy the season pass.

That’s right. Single player is out. Online-only multiplayer is in. And they’ve got a great new game that’ll be right up your alley, if you’ve got a deep enough wallet for it.

Doot doot doot doot doodoodoot

Before the project was canned, Visceral had managed to perfectly capture the musty atmosphere of the classic Star Wars Cantina. EA, unhappy with needing to wait until 2019 to get some return on their investment, decided that this was enough for the game to ship. Just the Cantina. The game is now slated to launch in 2018, and the rest of the development cycle will be focused on preparing DLC and additional content to be distributed through loot boxes.

You might be wondering how the hell they could ship an adventure RPG with only a Cantina, but that’s the catch. It isn’t an adventure game anymore. It’s now an online-only Cantina player simulator RPG. You’ll be the Cantina band, playing gigs, gambling on pod races, paying for lap dances from those blue alien strippers. A regular space rockstar.

EA is looking to bring back the music game craze of yesteryear, but now with high-octane online multiplayer, and an emphasis on player vs. player.

Are you ready to rock or whatever

The new IP will see players starting their own cantina bands and vying for the attention of dazed cantina patrons. When fights break out, it’s important that you stop playing until it’s done, and then immediately start playing again, otherwise you may find yourself on the business end of a blaster. Once you’ve found fame enough to rival Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes themselves, you’ll have to compete with players online to rock the leaderboard. Or something.

New cantinas, band members, and instruments will be available to be purchased with premium currency in the Cantina Loot Box shop. Or, if you’d rather get yourself some alien ass, premium currency can be used to get yourself some groupies from the Hutts. If they don’t cheer loud enough for you, you can always feed them to the Sarlacc for an XP boost.

It’s still a working title, as EA currently does not know what the instruments were called that the band actually plays. George Lucas has been questioned on the matter, but he hasn’t decided yet.

“Cantina Hero” is dated for Holiday 2018 and will be launching with the full band kit for $200. DLC songs can be purchased through individual expansion packs for $29.99 each for four songs, or in the monthly $49.99 Cantina VIP membership, which will get you unlimited access to all upcoming tracks.

White People Are Appropriating The Middle Ages Now Too

White supremacy is prevalent in everything we consume these days, from books and movies to Culver’s, the American Midwest’s favorite casual restaurant chain. Nothing like butter, cheese, and mayonnaise to wash down the pride of the indigenous peoples of our fair planet.

But video games especially have been a driving force for ethnic cleansing, ever since the days of the arcade, when Pac-Man clashed with the colored, multicultural ghosts. Eating their food, stealing their land, murdering and cannibalizing their people, and refusing to mix races with them, instead opting to marry and reproduce within his own kind. Don’t tell me for a second that Ms. Pac-Man is anywhere close to Pinky. You’ve just been indoctrinated to see the Pac standards of beauty.

So it’s not even a surprise for anyone when Ubisoft pumps out “White People: The Fighting Game, featuring the Japs from the Devil May Cry series”.

Wypipo at it again

For Honor is pretty much that, for the Xbox One, PS4, and PC. A game made by white people, for white people. Ubisoft is a French company, so you’d think they’d have learned by now. How many trucks will it take to get the point across? It’s like they never learn.

And you Japanese people, don’t think you’re excused. You’re just as bad, with your Asian privilege. Always good at math and shit. You’re just as bad. The only way to level the playing field is if all Asian people leave their brains to the less fortunate after they die. Leave your brains to us when you die, leave your math books to us when you die. And if you get a scholarship to some fancy university? Give up that scholarship to me. You’re just gonna build a supercomputer and win a million dollars playing League of Legends or whatever it is you do anyway, with you and your Asian privilege ways. We’re not truly equal until I, too, can play every instrument at the age of 6 or draw really bomb-ass hentai.

White people and Asians just go hand in hand, don’t they? With their privilege and conquering other lands. That’s all For Honor is about. It really should be classified as a hate symbol, for all its toxic glorifying of nationalism. It’s like literally begging for all the racists of the internet to come play it. Good thing the game wasn’t any better, or else it could’ve literally started World War III.

Damn white privilege

For Honor is an interesting hybrid kind of game. One part fighting game, one part Dynasty Warriors hack-and-slash, and one part generic AAA online multiplayer microtransaction machine game. Taking place in the Middle Ages, three factions are at eternal war to gain total control over Whole Foods. After Debra told off Heather at the ugly sweater party, Heather told Linda that her son Tanner was gonna ditch their family camp-out to listen to that danged heavy metal music with his friends from the university’s lacrosse team. But when she went to take away his iPod, he told her that her ex-husband Greg was gonna be volunteering at the pumpkin patch. After that, all hell had broken lose over the many kingdoms. You will need to choose your allegiances wisely, and cut down all whom stand in your way.

And For Honor delivers pretty well on that premise. Medieval warfare, knights, vikings, samurai, it’s all in there. Every white person that’s ever argued over who would win in a fight, a knight or a samurai, can look no further. The answer is right here. The gameplay is fairly solid, and the mechanics are well-executed. It’s fun to cut through a bunch of foot soldiers, run up to the enemy commander, and kick them off a ledge like that one meme from 2006. There’s something of a campaign to fight through, and a number of multiplayer modes.

But all of that doesn’t save For Honor from its most underlying flaws. It’s all so samey, and the game suffers from a lack of balance. After a few matches, it’ll start to feel like you’ve pretty much seen everything worth seeing. And the game doesn’t seem to be designed for group play. 1 on 1 fights are always pretty entertaining, but as soon as a group is involved, it devolves into a fight of ganging up on players and running away. A fitting undoing for a game made for white people.

And the Japs, always on about their culture, why can't they stop caring so much about your culture and accept everyone else's

For Honor isn’t a bad game, not by a long shot. The fighting game-like mechanics are great, and the game feels fun at its best points. The real problem is just the lack of polish and balance, something that could easily be fixed by dedicated updates, patches, and content. But this is also Ubisoft we’re talking about here. When have they ever done that? Or a better question, when have they ever done that well?

What it really boils down to is yet another half-baked multiplayer diversion. The strategic, well-designed combat system and the promising concept are sloppily propped up on Ubisoft’s typical planned obsolescence. Yet another online multiplayer game for you to purchase, grind, buy DLC and microtransactions, and then dump for the next of its kind. There are definitely places where a touch of effort could’ve added to the game’s longevity, and yet the solution is never a fundamental fix, but a little Scooby-Doo bandage.

Like all of the repetitive new characters they added. Why are they all white people? Are you telling me only white people fought in the Middle Ages? I’ll clue you in here, they didn’t. Where are the Aboriginal Australian knights? Don’t pretend like they’re not in the history books, with their dark skin and bright, shining armor, brandishing massive boomerangs of silver and gold. We need our proud Australian heritage represented, and we need it now.

Newsflash, white people. The Middle Ages don’t belong to you. There were Islamic samurai and Latino vikings. Stop trying to erase our beautiful diversity, and stop appropriating our culture with your shitty computer games.

I guess we’ll just have to wait for For Honor 2, when Ubisoft finally gives us the ability to play as the proud Indian superpowers we want. Maybe then, it’ll actually be something worth playing for more than a week.

I Fucking Hate Snoopy

I fucking hate Snoopy. Stupid little bitch-ass dog, piece of shit. I fucking hate him. What’s he ever done? I’ll tell you what. Jack shit.

That fucking dog is such a fucking cunt. You see the way he treats Charlie Brown? His fucking owner? The guy that feeds him? Man’s best friend my ass. He’s a disrespectful little shit. Charlie Brown should kick his fucking ass.

He took over the whole fucking series. Charlie Brown is supposed to be the main character. But no. Fucking Snoopy. He stole the series from his owner, he’s always trying to smash Peppermint Patty even though she clearly likes his owner, and the little bitch has the balls to demand food from him after all that. Snoopy is gonna burn in Hell.

Stupid cunt

Snoopy’s Grand Adventure, available on PS4, Xbox One, Xbox 360, Wii U, and 3DS.

Snoopy is such a fucking dick. Who the fuck does he think he is, walking on two feet like he thinks he’s hot shit. Lemme tell you, Snoopy. You ain’t shit. You ain’t shit, Snoopy. Go to Hell you piece of shit. Useless cunt. All you ever do is lay around, eat, and do that queer LARPing thing. You think you’re in a war or something, you think you’re shooting down enemy pilots? You’re a fucking disrespect to this whole fucking country and all of its veterans.

Listen here, Snoop. You’re a joke. A loser. And sooner or later, you’ll have to wake up from your little fantasy world. No one likes you. You’re an obnoxious dick to everyone. Your owner and all of his friends. You think you’re so cool, but you’re a middle-aged dog trying to fit in with a bunch of children. Trying to pose as a fucking college student with those stupid fucking sunglasses while you hit on little girls. That’s some creepy-ass shit, man. Pretty sure what you’re trying to do with Peppermint Patty isn’t just morally wrong, it’s illegal.

No, no, no. Stop.

Using your ears as propellers to fly like a helicopter isn’t fucking physically possible you dumb fucking dog. Your clear disregard for physics and gravity are not funny. You think you’re some kind of harmless cartoon, but what happens when some kid decides to fly like Snoopy and fucking jumps from the Empire State Building, huh? Not only do you prey on them like the twisted sexual deviant you are, you’re a bad fucking influence on them too. You should really be locked up. You should be getting the electric chair or something.

I can’t stand this stupid fucking dog, man. I just fucking hate him. Can you believe this guy? Can you fucking believe it? He’s a menace to society. And it’s about time we all stood up to him and said no. No, Snoopy. No.

Your days of exploring lands of make-believe and collecting jelly beans are coming to a fucking end, Snoop. Hear me and hear me well. The day will come. Oh yes, mark my words, Snoop. Your day of reckoning is coming. When an evil wind will blow through your little playworld, and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I’ll be there, in all my glory, watching. Watching as it all comes crumbling down.

I will fucking kill you

Wearing all your silly costumes, masquerading as different people just to fit in. Who even are you, Snoop? Who are you, really? Do you even know anymore? You don’t even look like a beagle. Ugly fucking dog. You hide behind your many masks, preying on little kids and abusing your owner, escaping your sick reality with all your little escapist diversions. The only thing you ever really have to look forward to is your owner dropping whatever meaty slop you eat into your little dish. The owner that will eventually snap, that will eventually get sick of your abusive bullshit and have you put down.

But maybe that’s what you want. Huh, Snoopy? Is that what you fucking want? Is your self-destructive indulgence of food, underage girls, and sadistic treatment of your owner all just you looking for a way out? Hoping someone will stop you, help you? Hoping that you pass painlessly in your sleep, choking on your own vomit or put down in a safe and humane manner?

Well I’ve got something to tell you, Snoop. I’m gonna make your life a living hell. I will make you regret every second of your life. I will fucking waterboard you.

Go on. Quit.

That’s right, Snoopy. You walk through that fucking door. Give up. Quit. That’s all you can do. That’s your only way out.

Go ahead, Snoop. Turn your back on the world. Delve deeper into the lies you tell yourself. No one will ever love you, Snoop. You’ll never find anything to fill the void in your soul. You’re an empty husk. If you weren’t a fucking asshole, one might be inclined to feel sorry for you. But no, not you. You deserve to have your balls nailed to a cross and your guts pecked out by crows.

You useless piece of shit. I fucking hate you. Kill yourself.

Finally I Can Collect Enough Anime Girls To Sate The Crippling Loneliness In My Soul

The mobile market has long eluded Nintendo. First Mario would never be on iPhones. Then Mario was on iPhones. It wasn’t exactly worth the wait. They made a meme generator too. The results were all over the place.

It’s been a learning experience for everyone. They didn’t quite understand the finer points of what mobile gamers really want the first few times around. But they’ve wised up now. They got you, fam.

People don’t play shit like Angry Birds or Temple Run anymore. Old memes. It’s all about thick anime bitches now.

Nice

Millenials are all about multitasking. When they sit on the toilet and whip out their phones, they’re looking for a robust experience. With big tiddies, and little girls that are actually centuries old to masturbate to.

If I can’t take a shit and jerk off while playing a video game at the same time in current year, what even is the point to being alive? I may as well move out to fucking Utah and start wrangling cattle to stick my dick in or whatever the fuck they do there. Like a third-world fucking country.

Nintendo wised up though. They’re living in the present now, not in 19-fucking-who gives a shit. Now they got that good shit.

Anime girl fight

Fire Emblem Heroes is their first good mobile game. Their first mobile game that anyone gives two shits about. Maybe three. Maybe more. The sky is the limit for how many shits people will give for Fire Emblem Heroes. The fucking sky.

Anyone that’s played Fire Emblem will find the mechanics familiar. Grid-based, turn-based tactical RPG combat. Now with easy touch controls, so even your grandpa can figure it out. Grandma is fucking dead, so do grandpa a solid and show him this game so he can spend retirement busting fat loads on anime girls.

The catch to Heroes though, is that you don’t start with an army of girls. You need to earn them all, the hard way. With your real-world cash. The premium currency, Orbs, can be redeemed for a random pick from the anime girl lottery. If you’re lucky, you’ll get one old enough to be your mom. Or one barely old enough to call you mom. If that’s what you’re into. It’s all up to luck.

It's called chloroform

From a game standpoint, Heroes is not half bad. Especially for a mobile game. It really shrinks down the real Fire Emblem experience right on to your phone. There’s a whole story mode and everything, and all sorts of side quests and daily missions to tackle.

An impressive amount of work has been put into the presentation, with full portrait art and voice work done for each and every hero. Even the ones no one cares about, like the old guy that isn’t even an anime girl.

The only real issue I’d ever run into was the amount of content readily available for playing. Instead of hitting a paywall right away, the first thing I really hit was a “is that it, am I done?” wall. An issue they’ve been working to fix, with constant events and updates with special anime girls always dangling tantalizingly over your wallet. But it has happened enough on occasion to be noticeable.

Like chess, but with anime

The genius of Fire Emblem Heroes, however, is in its business model. Paying for Orbs to get different anime girls is never really required. A workable amount can be earned through gameplay and daily bonuses.

And yet people will blow hundreds of dollars on it anyways. Just because they want some tiddies. People will genuinely blow real 3D money just to get some 2D anime bitches.

No one pays for porn anymore, but these weebs are out here paying upwards of $74.99 for some anime shit. Not even naked or anything, just fully and/or partially clothed anime bitches. No nipple or anything.

So while, for the most part, everyone gets to enjoy this great, technically free game, the entire thing is funded by fucking weebs. And really, that’s the economic model all countries should be adopting. Fuck communism, man. Everything should be free, and funded by fucking weebs paying for anime shit. There is no downside to it at all. Anime is already a huge fucking market, man. And these weebs don’t care. They’ll spend a hundred bucks on the chance to get their 8 year old cartoon wife.

All taxes will be in the form of anime loot boxes, and will all be completely optional. No one will have to pay them, but all those weebs will be lining up just to get some anime shit.

Don’t worry, guys. I solved capitalism. I’m gonna start writing my letter to the U.N. right now.

Nintendo Strips Mario’s Plumber Title To Fight Back The Alt-Right

It’s a wild world that we live in now, where simple things can be threats to free speech and the slightest remark could be perceived as a million other things. Funny internet frogs are now menaces to society, and simple behaviors are now being classified as signs of racism and hate speech.

It truly seems as if nothing is safe anymore from the twisted world of politics and agendas, where everything from cartoons geared towards children to our social media is run by people with special interests that have no problem at all attempting to brainwash us and indoctrinate our kids.

Not even cutesy video game characters are safe anymore, apparently. After so many years, it seems Nintendo has finally found its breaking point, and is making some changes to their main mascot, Super Mario.

Not a plumber anymore

A change on the Japanese Nintendo website now lists Super Mario as “formerly a plumber”, but now lives a carefree lifestyle of playing sports and doing whatever else he wants. The sudden shift in occupation comes right after a certain political group took an interest in the portly little Italian.

The iconic plumber hit it off on the infamous boards of 4Chan, where alt-right supporters elected him as “their guy”, citing the franchise’s longstanding racism and sexism as signs that Nintendo was on their side. Within hours, Super Mario was all over the board, with 4chan vowing to make sure the Nintendo Switch and Super Mario Odyssey beat out every other console over the holidays.

As the news began to trickle back to Nintendo, they were faced with a crisis. While an easy solution would be to just ignore it and reap the benefits of the alt-right buying all of their products just to make a point, the last thing they would need now that they’re doing so well is for Super Mario to be branded a hate symbol. The solution for the time being, was to strip Super Mario of whatever they could in hopes the alt-right would leave him alone.

/our guy/

All instances of Mario’s “Italian heritage” are now gone from Nintendo’s website, he is no longer a working class American, and there have been talks of reverting Mario’s iconic design to his retro blue hat and red overalls look to eliminate any similarities between his red hat and the now infamous “Make America Great Again” hat.

Nintendo does not want to take a side in the world of American politics, and are going the distance to ensure that Mario does not get grouped in with any inappropriate influences. However, the sudden shift does seem to paint them as more of a left-leaning company now. Nintendo has yet to cut any ties between Waluigi and Antifa, the other side of the spectrum. Is that because Waluigi is not as important of a character? Or is this just Nintendo showing their true colors?

Either way, it’ll be interesting to see how they handle Super Mario Odyssey now. The game, which features Super Mario visiting an assortment of foreign countries and wearing the traditional garb of a number of cultures and ethnicities, will surely be the deciding factor in what direction Nintendo ultimately takes. Whether they water the game down to avoid taking heat from liberal snowflakes or not will make or break their reputation here in America.

Super Mario Odyssey launches on Nintendo Switch on October 27th.

Szechuan Sauce Being Bundled With SNES Classics On GameStop Website

It’s been a wild weekend for Rick and Morty fans. McDonald’s stepped in to bring back the fan-favorite Szechuan meme sauce, and fans were lined up hours before open just to get a taste of the most intellectual sauce in the multiverse.

But alas, they didn’t have enough to go around, causing widespread rioting and someone getting fucking stabbed. Over sauce. I’m not even kidding. And not even an hour after the ordeal, packs of the sauce were being sold online for an absurd price. A sad reality of the world we live in, but one not completely foreign to us. In fact, it should be fairly familiar to the gaming community. It was hardly more than a week ago that the same thing happened with the SNES Classic consoles.

If you thought that was the end to the carnage though, you’re in for a shock. Things are gonna get worse. Much, much worse.

The more you trade the more you save

The SNES Classics and meme sauce are probably the most in-demand items of 2017. Probably worth more than gold right now. And scalpers on eBay aren’t the only ones who’ve caught on. No, now everyone is lining up to get a piece of the money and a shot at fucking you over. Even the big guys that sold the shit to you in the first place.

GameStop has a history of shitty business practices. Like that time they either reprinted Xenoblade or just withheld a bunch of them from the market, or whatever it was they did, and then just started selling them as pre-owned for almost $100? Or when they started forcing Nintendo Switch bundles with their GameStop-published title, “Has-Been Heroes”? But that’s nowhere near the levels of shit we’re on now. They have truly topped themselves.

It seems as if GameStop has somehow purchased crates upon crates of McDonald’s Rick and Morty meme sauce, and are now bundling them with SNES Classics and an assortment of their ThinkGeek Brand garbage. You can buy a packet of meme sauce and an SNES along with a board game, a lamp, a couple Mario plushies, and a pre-owned Xbox 360 for the low, low price of $500. Doesn’t that sound like a deal?

Pre-owned sauce packets

They’ve got pre-owned sauce packet bundles. Pre-owned fucking sauce packets. What the actual fuck? That’s gotta be a health code violation or something. And while some of these bundles make some semblance of sense, I guess, some of them make no sense whatsoever. An SNES with some Mario-themed collectibles? Sure, that kind of makes sense. Rick and Morty Sauce and some Rick and Morty collectibles? Sure, I guess.

An SNES console bundled with a packet of Szechuan sauce, a pre-owned PS3 power cord, a Piranha Plant sock puppet, and three copies of Madden 2008 for the Xbox 360? It’s like they’re literally bundling garbage together for some of these just to clear out their warehouse. There’s a “Morty’s Wild Inventions” Szechuan sauce bundle that’s literally an opened packet of sauce bundled with a pre-owned Kinect, an Ouya, and a 3DS Circle Pad Pro. And that one is priced at $400, putting it slightly on the cheaper side. But what does any of that stuff have to do with each other? What is an Ouya? Nothing makes sense anymore.

Morty isn’t even the scientist, Rick is the scientist. It’s glaringly obvious that GameStop doesn’t even know what it’s referencing at this point, they’re just trying to jump on the bandwagon and make a few quick bucks. One of the product descriptions references Bender from Futurama and attributes the quote to Professor Frink. Who is not a Rick and Morty character. Seriously. It’s that bad.

Of course, all of us real Rick and Morty fans are way too intellectual to fall for such blatant capitalist bullshit. All of the sheeple that jumped on the Rick and Morty bandwagon will buy up all these shitty bundles, and they’ll never know the difference.

The real fans will wait for an officially licensed sauce, not some cheap McDonald’s imitation. And when the real thing comes out, then we’ll invest a couple hundred dollars to purchase enough crates to last us for the rest of our meaningless lives. Lol, wubba lubba dub dub! Ha ha.

Video Game Journalist, 28, Takes Life After Playing Cuphead

It’s a very sad day for the game industry. A very sad day indeed. While we’re all about fun and games here, in a quite literal sense, this is still a job for people. People’s livelihoods are at stake here. Sometimes more. Lots of people seem to forget this.

On October 4th, at 11:44 PM, an aspiring young journalist was found dead in their apartment. They had taken their own life. Friends and family members of the deceased were shocked. They never would have seen it coming, he had almost everything he could ever want or need. But the motive became very apparent as officers began to retrace his steps online.

The start of it all

It all began with the release of indie darling, Cuphead. The brutishly difficult boss rush shooter has driven many to the point of no return, but none quite so much as all of the video game journalists being forced to play it against their will. The game has broken spirits, and driven some to madness. But it’s a game, so that means it’s all fun, right? But it’s not fun and games anymore.

“I just can’t beat it, it’s impossible. This game is so hard, and it’s making me hate myself. I can’t look in the mirror anymore, looking at myself fills me with disgust. Myself, a video game journalist, that can’t beat this stupid cartoon game. I’ve tried it again and again, but I’m getting nowhere.” The suicide note goes on, which was published as a news article on the site he worked on.

Several more articles spiraled out from that one, which seemed to go through the stages of grief. First he denied that the game was hard, it was just bad. Then he was angry at the culture of elitism that encompasses gaming. He attempted to offer up debates, tried to find some angle to justify his feelings. But alas, the pressure was too much.

The stages of grief

A loaded gun and knotted rope were found at the scene. It seemed he’d initially settled on hanging himself, but couldn’t figure out how to tie it since he skipped the tutorials. He attempted shooting himself, but ended up missing himself several times, his fingers too trembly and jerky to properly aim.

The ultimate cause of death ended up being death by electrocution, when he decided to bring his Xbox One into the bathtub with him to give the first boss one last try. In that sense, detectives are still unsure as to whether to rule the death accidental or not.

Cuphead’s developer will be adding the journalist in as a cameo character, and scaling down the game’s now lethal difficulty. “We never meant for this to happen, our condolences to the families involved” was all they had to say on the matter.

Rest in peace, journalist. May you find an easier difficulty in death than you did in life.

If Everything On XVIDEOS Was This Eloquent We’d Have Colonies On Mars By Now

Okay dude, I don’t even know what the fuck I just played, but I’ll try to break it all down for you. Journalism can know no boundaries.

Japanese games are big now, with the weeb market growing more and more each day, there’s just no stopping it. Anime hentai RPG games, titty ninja rip their clothes off games, all that shit. It’s everywhere, infesting every genre. This is what we get for nuking Japan. The radiation is in the atmosphere now, it’s in the dust we breath, the Hostess brand Twinkies we eat.

And now this game, I’ve just got no fucking clue. I don’t speak bukkake, I couldn’t figure out for one second what the fuck this game was even about. But boy, lemme tell ya, this shit was fucking intense. Like that funny green stuff they eat at Asian restaurants.

I don't think that follows the dress code

Now this game is called Fate (Forward Slash) Excedrin: Umbreon’s Star. The forward slash is very important. It’s like the R in Toys R Us. But in Japanese.

Umbreon’s Star is a Chinese Dynasty Warriors game for the PS4, Vita, PC, and Nintendo Switch. Unlike past Dynasty Warriors games that take place in Japan and pit you against ninjas and shit, Fate Excedrin takes place in China. You’ll need to jump through the fabric of spacetime, beating up robots and hentai girls. Like they do in China.

Remember, not all Asians are Japanese. Some of them have fox ears and elegant female penises.

Take that, round-earthers"

Excedrin has a very compelling plot. The Earth is suddenly a Rubik’s Cube, and there are robots trying to take over. But you, someone’s first deviantArt character, have the power to stop them with anime girls named after famous historical figures. Like George Washington and Joseph Stalin.

But wait, there’s fucking more. Get this, the whole game is in fucking Chinese. Some dingaling totally forgot to translate it. Where’s 4kids when you need them? Someone needs to get on this shit, how am I supposed to play anything if I can’t read it?

Can you understand a word of this gibberish? Because I fucking can’t.

Complete nonsense

The game itself on the other hand is wholly unimpressive. Not bad or anything, just like, it’s fucking Dynasty Warriors. Off-brand Dynasty Warriors at that. There’s nothing spectacular about a Great Value brand, Made in China Dynasty Warriors.

Wal-Mart Brand “Regime Dudes”, just as good as the name brand but at half the cost. Except it costs the same and has anime tits in it, which is kind of a fair trade-off. The in-game models are very nice and have jiggle physics and everything. But that’s really the only thing compelling about the game. The plot is gibberish, unless you’ve apparently watched the mangos and read the amiibos.

If you’re a fan of Dynasty Warriors, hey, you might kinda like it. Sure, it’s not quite as polished, and the combat might be a little more on the repetitive side. The plot is garbage, the characters are incredibly flat. Personality-wise, the titties are fucking huge. And that’s really what matters in the end, isn’t it? The titties? That’s why I bought this game. Isn’t it why you’re reading this right now?

This is a lie and you know it

Dynasty Warriors aren’t typically all too great when it comes to a lot of things. Like eating steak at Applebee’s. Who the fuck eats steak at Applebee’s? Really? It’s unappetizing, the presentation isn’t all too great, and it’s a cheap chain restaurant take on a high-class restaurant dish. Sure, people order it. But are they morally right for doing so? No. They’ll burn in Hell. But when you strip away the little presentation that Dynasty Warriors has in favor of titties, what is there really?

The finished product is a mishmash of pseudointellectual sci-fi nonsense and button mashing, all in order to attempt justifying wanting to wank off to some jiggly anime titties. Is it really worth it in the end? Is paying full price for a video game, sinking hours into it, and sitting through paragraphs of meaningless techno-babble lore just to see some virtual titties shake really worth it?

The answer, of course, is yes. What, y’all really gonna judge a fella? You get to take a bath with your virtual cartoon wife, and you can see the tops of her boobies. That’s like, what, second base? Fuck outta here with your negative vibes, man.

Bethesda Sparks Alt-Right Protests Over Latest Nazi-Shooting Game

2017 has been a wild time for everyone. The political landscape worldwide had gotten a little tense, and people are uneasy. America has been divided like never before, and both sides are angry.

But the tensions seemed to have peaked now. With a video game. The upcoming sequel to Bethesda’s classic WWII shooter, Wolfenstein, takes the fight to American soil.

And while the premise definitely seems enticing, it might also sound oddly familiar for a lot of people. In fact, fighting a dystopian Nazi regime right here in America isn’t even a work of fiction anymore. It’s everyday life for a lot of people. And some of said people have taken notice of this convenient coincidence.

SAD!

While left-leaning media outlets have praised the title for its bold stance on the issue, many right-wing news sources and advocates have taken grave offense to the game. The face of YouTube himself, Barron F. Kjellberg Trump Jr., immediately produced a scathing video review slamming the title for its blatant disregard for free speech.

“Just imagine for a second that the roles were reversed, and someone was making a game about shooting n words and Jews.” Kjellberg opens his rant with, interrupting his video every minute or so to profusely apologize for his use of the n word. It just slips out sometimes, he explains. “You can’t make a game about shooting Jews. That’s a hate crime. But Nazis? Oh, no, shoot away. Please. It’s not like they’re also human beings or anything.”

Bethesda issued a statement reading “Guys, it’s just a game, please relax”, which was immediately met with death threats from Antifa and some cars being lit on fire. There is now a Black Lives Matter rally outside Bethesda’s main office, and lots of very angry pasty men chanting “Our lives are not a game”. On the opposite side of the street, overweight men waving Confederate flags have gathered. Police have been called to try and keep things amicable between the factions, but it seems riots are imminent.

Too many dialogue options

When asked to comment, Bethesda Director Todd Howard grew incredibly disoriented and insisted on sitting down. Though we attempted to coerce some answers out of him, for some odd reason he could only reply with “Yes”, “No”, “Sarcastic Quip”, and “Tell Me More”. It felt like we’d gone in circles for hours before a brick was thrown through the office window.

It is currently unknown which faction did it, but in order to ensure Bethesda doesn’t take any one side, the replacement window will be purchased from a white, nonpracticing Jewish man of ambiguous sexual orientation, currently unmarried, though he has a rocky relationship with his mother. The proceeds from the transaction will go to charity, and help pay for our war veterans who are in retirement. But only the black ones that do not currently own guns, but are not currently opposed to owning them.

Wolfenstein II: The New Colossus is currently scheduled to release October 27th on PS4, Xbox One, PC, and even on Nintendo Switch. The Switch version currently has no launch date, however. Like usual.