Xenoblade Chronicles 2 is right around the corner, but Nintendo and Monolith Soft aren’t done trying to build the hype train. People are pumped. Even some American fans, despite the whole censorship debacle. Artistic decisions and localization aside, the game looks great, and I’m a big fan of the Xeno games.
The latest tease that’s sure to get the fans riled up is the return of a fan-favorite character. Many of you probably don’t know her. In fact, I’m sure pretty much all of you. No one plays obscure PS2 RPG’s. But I’m sure you recognize her from one of her many cameos in other video games or from various pieces of “fan art”, more often than not including her holding a phallus in either hand.
Tiddybot is reporting for duty in Xenoblade 2, and will be available as a rare blade. Armed with powerful tiddy thrusters that can vaporize planets in the blink of an eye, she will make your enemies quiver in fear. They will die of dread before she can even remove her G-cup limiters from her fertile cannons. It’s like she’s packing two Death Stars in her top.
She will be bringing all of her power to the table, even her signature move, Tiddy Zap. Not to be confused with ZZ Top, popular 70’s blues rock band.
She’s not Japanese exclusive, though her breasts will be significantly toned down for the American release, and will no longer remove her armor and squeeze her chest until lasers shoot out like in the Japanese release.
The American version of the game will instead have her pull out a hyper-realistic, military-grade assault rifle and unload hell into her opponents’ skulls, bathing the earth around them in a bloody pink mist, with bonus X-ray special effects to truly see the level of gory devastation that she’s unleashing upon them. That way it’s family-friendly, and can keep its humble T rating.
Xenoblade Chronicles 2 releases exclusively for Nintendo Switch on December 1st.
Exciting news for JRPG enthusiasts and Nintendo Switch owners. Atlus, creators of everyone’s favorite hentai games, have just announced that they’re bringing something a little more wholesome to the platform. If you were hoping for that boob jiggling game, tough luck. That one is staying in Japan, you perverts.
We’re not just getting any wholesome game, no. We’re getting the most wholesome game there is. A game about love, peace, and forgiveness. You get to be Jesus Christ, the greatest superhero there is.
Lemme tell you a little about this guy, Jesus. He was a very swell dude. The most kind and gentle you ever did meet. He was radder than any rock concert or video game. Because what’s radder than being accepted into Jesus’ eternal love? Now that’s what I call radical, my chums.
Jesus Simulator 2018 will take place in present day Tokyo, where, for some reason, a lot of these Jesus sims seem to take place. I don’t really get it.
But everything else is perfectly accurate to the Bible’s representation. You are a young anime boy, and you must gather your harem of anime girls and demons to kill Lucifer and bring peace to the world. Just as Jesus did. That’s been the premise for just about every game in the Jesus Sim series to come out of Atlus so far. And it works. And do you know why? Because it’s a true one. Everything that happened in the Good Book is 100% factual and can be taken at face value.
Other details about the game are scarce as of right now, we did just get the trailer and confirmation that it’s coming after all. But this will surely be a must-play title for the console. Atlus has never failed us before with Jesus Simulator, I find it hard to believe they would now. Hopefully Atlus keeps up their streak of Jesus’ disciples having perfectly thick anime thighs.
There is no release date as of right now, and the game is expected to still be quite a ways off. Hopefully we get more news on it soon.
Every fanboy thinks they know it all. They think they’re so smart, because they played Super Smash Bros a few times and know everything there is about retro games.
“Oh, Nintendo, bring back this game.”
“Do a gritty reboot of that game.”
“Bring back Urban Champion.”
Fuck all of you. You don’t know shit. The gaming landscape has changed. Things are different now. You can’t just make games. That’s crazy talk. You need to make games for specific demographics. Call of Duty specifically targets adolescent boys, dudebros, older gamers that can’t play anything that isn’t “realistic” because they can’t get it up in the bedroom, and girls that can be gamers too. Did you know that they could be? I didn’t.
One of the most popular franchises that people beg Nintendo to bring back is the SNES classic, F-Zero.
Apparently, in the future, people live in giant vibrators.
Frequently touted as one of the best racing games of all time, and the forefather of all modern racers today; F-Zero created the future-racing sim genre and paved the way for other great titles like the WipeOut series.
It had ultra tight controls, amazing graphics, a kickass soundtrack, and really pushed the SNES’ capabilities with its use of Mode 7. It had a fantastic learning curve, starting you out slow and eventually forcing you into ultra fast-paced tests of reflexes. It wasn’t just a racing game, it was much faster. It really gave the impression of zooming around at mach speeds.
Some even say it still stands as one of the greatest games of all time, both racing and in general.
But that’s fucking bullshit, dude. And anyone saying they should bring back F-Zero are fucking wrong. No one wants to buy a racing game like F-Zero these days when you can buy something like Forza or Gran Turismo. And Nintendo already has Mario Kart? Hello? No system needs two racing games.
First of all, you might think this looks cool, but everyone knows electric cars are fucking gay. Fossil fuels for life, chump. Fuck the planet.
Second of all, F-Zero isn’t even THAT great. Okay? Yeah, it might be one of the greatest racing games of all time, and it might have revolutionized and revitalized a stale genre. But, um, what the fuck is this?
KM/H? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? It should be in miles per hour. What is this, some kind of horse racing or whatever the fuck they do it pansy-ass England? Racing is an American sport, for only the proudest patriots of American freedom. It needs fast cars, beer, screeching tires, the smell of gasoline, and the American units of measurement like miles per hour.
George Washington invented the mile himself, as the distance it took for him to run from his house to the nearest Burger King to get himself a flame-broiled Whopper. The most American of American delicacies. Get this Kilo stuff out of here, Nintendo. Are you telling me that America isn’t running the racing sports of the future? What kind of nonsense is that? Literally, unplayable.
And you know, F-Zero is a dumb name. Really dumb. Yeah, it sounds cool. But do you know what F-Zero means? An F0 tornado is the weakest tornado there is. It causes no damage. According to Wikipedia, an F0 tornado can damage some gutters or break some branches off trees. That’s not fast at all. Ooooh, these hover cars are so fast, they’re gonna snap some twigs off a tree. Oooooooh. So fast. Bitch, please.
F-Zero is basically just Space NASCAR, okay? It’s just a bunch of rednecks from the future driving around different planets and junk. What’s so exciting about that? Just look at this guy. He’s a redneck.
He looks like someone that would chase you down with a shotgun for ogling his sister at a truck stop in the middle of the desert. I’m pretty sure he’s fucked at least one of his cousins.
Just think about it. In a world where humanity has reached the stars, and all sorts of strange alien race-mixing is going on, this guy is still very proud of his human heritage. It’s a symbol of heritage and culture, not a symbol of oppression.
Drives a car with a red, white, and blue color scheme? Check. Majestic bird of prey motif? Check. He’s basically a biker guy with an eagle helmet and a lawn mower spray-painted to look like an Independence Day parade float.
In the future, who else would decide to spend a fortune building race tracks on different planets and wrecking expensive hovercrafts just for shits and giggles? No one but rednecks would put that much time and effort to see people drive in circles until someone blows up.
No one is here for the racing, they wanna see a guy explode at mach speed. They got fucking land mines on the race track. You don’t put land mines on the track to test out a driver’s reflexes, you’re trying to fucking murder them.
This would be illegal on any civilized planet. Only rednecks could get away with something like this. They’re already sticking it up the butt of cows and shit, killing each other with explosives doesn’t seem like a huge leap. They’re all just gathered around, fucking their perfect no-bucket-required horses and driving their billion dollar hover cars into each other because we need to keep evolution out of our school curriculum.
There’s a planet named Big Blue. For God’s sake, Big fucking Blue. Who the fuck names a planet “Big Blue”? Why couldn’t they give it real name? It’s a water planet, so they just call it Big Blue? Huh? That’s a redneck thing for sure. “Dis here planet big, and it blue, so we done named it Big Blue”. The future is run by rednecks in F-Zero, and I don’t like it.
There’s nothing good that could possibly come out of F-Zero. Is it a great game? Yeah, probably. Does it have a fantastic soundtrack? Definitely. Is it revolutionary and valuable to the history of video games? Sure. But we need to be keeping rednecks away from our children, our livestock, and our mach-speed hover vehicles.
Nintendo shouldn’t be focusing on rebooting trailer trash like this. They should be focused on making sure their AAA titles like Mario and Zelda aren’t unoriginal or gimmicky shit. We got enough car games to worry about. Fuck car games, and fuck you for thinking we need more.
To be completely honest, no one would buy a new F-Zero. Everyone would love to claim they would, but no, you’re all gonna shovel your money into Nintendo’s ass while they shit out New Super Mario Bros Thrii U and Fire Emblem Amiibo Fest. The handful of people that would buy a new F-Zero are kidding themselves if they think their money alone is good enough to pay the millions of unpaid Chinese children making F-Zero game discs out of the fine paste of ground up stray cats and dogs no one ate.
Nintendo has better things to worry about than car games. Like making sure they stop putting out shit games like Chibi-fucking-Robo Ziplash.
And would it kill them to stop pretending like Wii Fit is still a thing? It’s not, someone tell them that. If there’s another Wii Fit launch title, I’m gonna be very upset.
Ubisoft has been in a lot of shit lately. With the reveal of their new anti-American Far Cry game that promotes the senseless killing of white children, they’ve seen quite a bit of controversy.
They’ve been on a slow and steady trend towards the extreme left for some time now, but their latest announcement, on top of the announcement for Far Cry 5, has left many people worried.
Ubisoft has announced a new, redesigned logo to replace their trademark blue swirl. Something modern, minimalistic, and most of all, progressive.
Their new logo is a familiarly stoic, monochrome swirl on a black backdrop. The design sparked outrage among conservative news outlets. “That is literally a t——– logo.” stated conservative news outlet Fox News, blatantly using a derogatory term like the t-word to describe the new look.
“We just wanted a look that resonated with all of our fans going forward, and I think we really nailed it.” Ubisoft CEO Yves Guillemot told us in an exclusive interview. Ubisoft is aiming to position itself as the most progressive AAA publisher in the industry, beating out EA and their strong LGBTQIAPDK representation.
“It’s 2017, LGBTQIAPDK people should be the norm now. We want to take things a step forward, and show diversity for people of all races, cultures, ethnicities, and religions. We won’t rest until there’s proper representation for everyone, and every cis-het white Christian male that has a stable career is dead. Death to America!” Ubisoft’s Chief of Marketing told us, in a follow-up to Guillemot’s initial statement.
The new logo, while met with lukewarm reception from the fans, will be taking its place as the new permanent logo for Ubisoft. When questioned about how they felt that their fans didn’t care for the new design, an Ubisoft representative promptly told me “Death to the infidels.”, and I was escorted from the building at gunpoint.
This bold new progressive stance by Ubisoft is sure to cause ripples through the industry, as more AAA publishers look to capitalize on the new progressive movement. Activision is looking to scrap the previously announced Call of Duty: World War II for its offensive portrayal of World War II as the whites would have you believe it: a white American army fighting Nazis, when we all know that the American military was made up entirely of Islamic lgbtqiapdk-poc. The side of history they never show.
While the new Call of Duty is still in development, new leaks seem to suggest an Antifa-theme, that includes bringing about the fall of Western civilization as we know it. This new game will definitely resonate with all of the fans, and ensure all players get representation. It’s about time we killed all whites and took back the privileges they’ve kept from us for so long.
Call of Duty: Dump The Drumpf is expected to launch November 3rd. Far Cry 5 is dated for February 27th.
Video games are the pinnacle of human creation. Physical proof of our divine roots. We, whom have been sculpted in His image: God, Allah, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the Intelligent Designer; whatever higher being there is that exists in the plane above, we are just as He. Gods of our own domain.
Creation is the gift of the divine, and crafting worlds within worlds is the highest form of the art. We are finally The Creator. And in our own image, like our God before us, we create what we see.
Goat Simulator. Goat. Simulator. On almost every home console, and PC. Goat Simulator.
Just as man seeks purpose and meaning in life, so too does goat. Man has created the world as He sees it. Cruel. Empty. Meaningless. But not without simple pleasures.
Is Goat to wander aimlessly for eternity? To amass a large number of points of no meaningful value? To aim for higher and higher achievements, which will mean very little in the endless stream of time, lost to history?
Does the world of Goat carry any meaning? Or is it given meaning by every Goat within? Is every Goat the center of his own universe, the protagonist of his own story? Or is the search for meaning futile, a hollow quest with no true goal and no real answers to be found?
The world of Goat is a world created by Man, but is Goat bound by the laws of Man, as Man is bound by Fate? Or are Goats as we are, given the tools and knowledge of God, free to become as we were sculpted, to sculpt as they see?
Do we live separate from Goat for our own good, as we do from our creator? Do they fear us? Or is it us that should fear them? Is it the ultimate destiny of Goat to surpass and denounce us? To thrive beyond our control and banish us to mortality, a crumbling obelisk bleached by time it can no longer perceive, its significance long forgotten?
It matters not. For even as the world of Man fades, awash in original sin, so too shall Goat. The Apple shall be passed to the son of Man, the burden of the sin of existence dragging creation to the void where all is fated to return.
There are no definite answers. No concrete meanings, no truths that we can perceive. No comforting lies that won’t lose their luster as the cruel lens of age brings each harsh reality into focus.
Goat Simulator is what it means to live. What it means to be human. It is human to hurt. It is human to destroy. It is human to create. We, who are truly in the image of God. Goat Simulator is the mirror in which we see our own twisted doctrine by which we live, decided for us by an unknowable, unseeable force.
There is no shame in being human. There is no shame in imperfection, in godliness. In fact, it is only natural. It’s the only thing we’ve ever known since the very beginning.
Superheroes are a staple of American pop culture. Everyone fucking loves superheroes. They’re just a fun concept. A regular hero, but better. Super.
The people behind superheroes, the people at DC and Marvel, they’ve amazed and inspired generations with their characters. The people that design the heroes, the people that draw them, animate them, voice them, act them. All the magic that goes into it is truly astounding.
But there’s no one I look up to more than the writers. They, truly, are the backbone of the business. I, myself, am a writer. And nothing is truly quite as impressive as the thought-provoking stories they come up with.
What if Superman was evil? That is the premise explored in Injustice: Gods Among Us, NetherRealm’s other Mortal Kombat, for the Xbox 360, PS3, and fancy next-gen Wii U and PS4. Wii U, obviously, is the definitive console though. You can’t play Injustice and take a shit at the same time on PS4.
So he’s evil. So evil. Like really, really evil. Literally Hitler, but not in an angry liberal way. He actually uses his laser eyes to roast Jews in the game. Lex Luthor and the Joker? Both Jews. Luthorstein because he got all the money and Jokervich because the nose.
And then after Superman turns evil, everyone has to beat him up until he’s dead. And that’s it. That’s the story. And after that? How does this series of events impact every character, how will they move on? Well, they don’t have to.
This is all an alternate universe, none of it has any real impact on anything. Yeah, Superman killed all the Jews. But in another dimension, he didn’t. And in yet another, he is Jewish. None of it really matters.
And these writers over at DC are being paid a real nice salary just to come up with this shit. How can I, a much more talented writer, get paid as much as them just to pull shit out of my ass? They truly are my idols. If I could be paid a livable wage just to imagine simple what-if scenarios for men that wear their underwear on the outside of their pants, I would definitely sell out.
The game, the game is pretty alright. It’s literally Mortal Kombat, except no one gets their heart ripped out through their asshole and force fed down their throat until it shoots out their dickhole. So like a 2D fighting game, but you can also punch people through walls and shit. Good shit.
But this lazy, half-assed writing that literally anyone could do, that is the problem holding this game back. What if Batman was evil? What if Spiderman was evil? What if Aquaman was evil, and had a better power than surviving the crippling pressure of dolphin ejaculations? Did you know that it would kill you if a dolphin nutted in you? It would. But not Aquaman. He’s gifted.
What if Wonder Woman was exactly how she normally is, but her arms were chopped off in an arm chopping accident, and now whenever she uses her magic lasso thing she has to shoot it from her vagina? Like she just squirts it out, like Spiderman. Because her arms are little stumps. Also she can’t fly anymore since her arms are stumps and she can’t wave them anymore to fly, so she uses her cunt rope to swing around. Also just like Spiderman. So she’s basically Spiderman but can only shoot a single web from her between her legs. And she has to suck it back in every time she shoots it out.
See, anyone can just come up with this shit. But if DC had any real writers, they would be able to work that simple concept into something real. Like Shrek Forever After.
In DreamWorks’ hit classic, Shrek Forever After, they pose the simple question. What if Shrek and Fiona never met? What if Shrek had never saved her, what if he never existed? A chilling proposition, to say the least. But they go beyond that.
Not only do they explore the world without Shrek, they force him to examine himself, and his inner demons. Shrek has to look within himself, realize what he’s become and what he truly holds dear, and make a change. It isn’t some flashy, meaningless superhero gangbang. Shrek Forever After explores a serious moment in Shrek’s life, and he becomes a better ogre for it. At the end of the movie, something has happened. Forever After is not a throwaway story from a different universe. It happened, and it changed things.
At the end of Injustice, how has the world of DC’s heroes changed? It hasn’t. No one has grown. No one has changed. No real consequences ever need to be explored. Superman hates Jews, but that’s not a problem. We’ll keep that in a different universe, so regular Superman doesn’t need to publicly apologize for his antisemitic remarks. That’s just easier writing.
How his antisemitism changes his dynamic with his blind, deaf, and mute girlfriend doesn’t matter. The Flash, DC’s most proud Aryan, how would he look at Superman now? We don’t need to worry about that. It’s a different universe.
Shrek didn’t get another universe. Shrek had to carry that burden. Shrek had to look into the void, rip his beating heart out of his shadow’s chest, and make room within the hollow husk of his being to find a place for it. A part of Shrek died and he’ll never get it back. He’ll never be the ogre he once was. And there’s no magic reset button, no alternate universe we can just flip to now, just to make sure nothing substantial ever happens.
Is Shrek Forever After a better story than Injustice? I can say without a sliver of doubt, yes. I would stake my integrity as a writer on it.
Would Shrek Forever After make a better fighting game? I can say, again, with not even a hint of doubt, absolutely. I would stake my dick in it.
In the end, Injustice is a great Mortal Kombat clone, but it just has no substance. Not that fighting games ever have any substance at all, even remotely. But to see that things like Injustice keep getting made, while classics like Shrek Forever After never get their well-deserved NetherRealm fighting game?
It’s disappointing, and upsetting. It pains me to see the industry’s clear disregard for art in this way.
One day, though. We’ll tell Shrek’s story, with all the cinematic and quick-time events it rightfully deserves.
It’s a dark day in the world of eSports. One of our very own has succumbed to the pressure of newfound stardom, and is now in critical condition following a night of uncontrolled, unsupervised partying and recreational drug use.
Captain Chubs McBonerwitz Esquire, often referred to by fans as “Chubby”, was a rising star in the world of competitive 1-2 Switch. A visionary cow milker that pioneered the wave-squeeze and nipple cancel techniques, McBonerwitz paved the way for other big stars like Big Daddy “The Train” Gumbo and Lil Carbon Footprint. His rise to stardom was like nothing ever before seen in the world of eSports. Chubby’s was a name that people remembered, it was practically a household name.
But it seems as if the rising star’s struggle with depression followed him to the big leagues and beyond, where the pressure of his own fame seems to have done him in. The statement from the hospital seems to insist that the concoction of Xanax, gummy worms, Pibb Xtra, and children’s ear medication Chubby took may have been laced. Chubby has had a history of drug abuse in the past, and some reports even say he showed up to his matches while under the influence.
The last known picture of Chubby before he became a star, before he underwent all of those body modification surgeries and got all those tattoos, paints him as just one of us. Just another gamer with a passion for competitive 1-2 Switch and Wii Fit. Was it the fame that did him in? Or was he always broken on the inside, and the power just finally gave him the means to dull his pain?
Doctors say Chubby is expected to live, though he’s in critical condition, and it’s a miracle that he survived. In fact, experts say that he wouldn’t have survived at all if he hadn’t been wearing his Joy-Con wrist strap. Just goes to show you, it always pays to be safe and use protection.
What this means for the future of the 1-2 Switch competitive scene remains to be seen. Especially since this news come right on the heels of Gore-Tex “Tex-Mex” Trombone Jones’ disqualification from the Bovi-Con 1-2 Switch Magnum Cup amid allegations that he sexually harassed several women.
The Magnum Cup Finale is scheduled for November 23rd and will be broadcasting on Twitch, YouTube Gaming, and xHamster Gold. Todd “The Flodd” Monopoly Piece is expected to take Chubby’s place, but after his humiliating loss to The Ganges River’s expertly executed Hover Shaving, fans are skeptic as to whether he’ll be a worthy substitute for a grand finals match.
Overwatch may have just gotten a new hero recently, but the updates don’t stop there. No, Blizzard has something huge in store for the non-denominational winter holidays.
Last year’s events were a bit of a letdown for people. After the impact Halloween Mercy had, people were expecting a lot more. Fan-favorite character Mei’s outfit was incredibly disappointing, which you’d think she’d get the best one. She is snow and ice-themed, so like, that should be her event. Wouldn’t you think? But no, there really wasn’t anything substantial.
This year, though, they’re taking out all the stops to bring you all holiday cheer. Blizzard has announced an exclusive partnership with Christmas icon, Mariah Carey. She will be doing more than just voicing a character and recording festive background music to play during the event. She will be, physically, in the event.
Mariah will be an offensive hero with an emphasis on support. Heroes within range of her inspiring Christmas singing will gain substantial boosts to their health and attack power, and she will be the perfect hero to lead people into battle as she mows down her enemies with a modified assault rifle.
Early testing on the PTR have shown teams centered around Mariah cutting through most tanks with ease, and her boost seems to break many game mechanics at this time. Even worse are teams composed entirely of Mariahs, with their stackable boost making a near invincible army of Christmas warriors that shrug off even walking straight into a Bastion turret’s line of fire as if it was nothing.
Even worse is her powerful ballistic Christmas missile, which has powerful aiming capabilities and deals out one hit kills to all but the beefiest tanks. And even then, it only takes one missile to render a Reinhardt shield inoperable. How this powerful new hero will impact the meta has yet to be seen, but Blizzard has made it known that she will not be getting any nerfs until after the Christmas season.
The only thing being nerfed, apparently, is Widowmaker. Her bust size will be temporarily reduced so as to be less impressive than Mariah for the remainder of 2017, up into Spring 2018. This was apparently part of Mariah’s contract, as were her abilities in-game. She personally requested to be the strongest and have the largest breasts in the entire game.
It’s still unknown how Mariah will work after the Christmas event, Blizzard insists that she’s a permanent addition to the game but everything she has is Christmas-themed. Whether they give her some more normal skins or just remain festive year-round is still unclear.
The Overwatch Winter Event will begin early December, and stretch all the way through mid-Janurary. Official dates will be announced at a later time.
Alright, look. I don’t know what you’re doing here, and I don’t know why you’re even here. What were you expecting to find here? Who the fuck wants to read a review for Super Mario Odyssey?
Lemme guess. You clicked on this, all excited just to masturbate to several paragraphs of “this game is so good”. You just wanted me to confirm what you already knew. That Nintendo, surprise, knows how to make a Super Mario game, and pulled out every stop in making sure the Nintendo Switch had a worthy game to wrap up its launch year.
Really, there’s no point to either of us being here. Yes, the game is fantastic. A breath of fresh air in a stagnant industry. It encourages discovery and play over methodical, checklist completionism. It’s gorgeous, aesthetically pleasing to every sense, and revolutionizes Super Mario in ways never seen before.
No, it’s not a Super Mario 64 Expansion Pack, it’s not exactly the same thing. That might make a few retards screech in anger, but for any normal and well-adjusted people out there that enjoy new things, this is exactly what you’ve been waiting for.
Now, what else did you expect out of this? More paragraphs where I repeat everything I said above, but differently? Maybe you wanted me to zero in on specific cases of the game being great. Like the entirety of New Donk City, and the pure ecstasy of its finale.
Did you want me to make some sentimental observation, maybe an anecdote to invoke nostalgia for you to beat off to? When I was but a young lad, I played a Super Mario game. This game, also, happens to be a Super Mario game. My brain made the connection that they were both Super Mario games, which prompted me to reminisce about the innocence of youth. I took my Switch out of the dock, carried it with me into the shower, turned the water on as hot as it could go, curled up on the floor and cried while furiously stroking my erect penis.
Really, what else is there to say?
By golly, Nintendo has done it again. They’ve taken their tried-and-true formula, tweaked it to optimize the maximum enjoyment factor, and delivered a gorgeous aesthetic presentation that perfectly compliments the gameplay. Who in the fucking world would have thought that was a good idea? No one. No one could have seen this coming. In all my years of video game journalism, I never would’ve expected this. Nintendo made a Super Mario game. And it was really fucking good.
Let’s not waste anymore time. No, let’s talk about what really matters now.
Super Mario Odyssey definitely deserves some major props for bringing back Pauline, it’s been ages since she was relevant enough to get some decent hentai.
But my biggest concern is the introduction of the concept of cuckoldry to our children. Mario and Bowser are fighting for Princess Peach’s hand in marriage. Super Mario, the relatable, chubby, working class, white male, is who the average American will identify with. And then there’s Bowser, a nonwhite, physically superior male, depicted to be almost bestial in nature, pursuing Princess Peach with no regard for any existing relationships.
If this isn’t meant to introduce the incredibly racist concept of interracial porn to our children, we may as well get them a PornHub premium account or whatever they’ll end up paying for once they’ve beaten this game and find themselves perma-virgin cucks twenty years later.
Interracial porn has an impact on the way we see each other, and it’s not good for race relations. And this isn’t to say that people of different races shouldn’t have sex, or porn of people that are different races is bad. But rather, the interracial fetish. When one says “interracial porn” or looks it up on their preferred porn site of choice, they’re not looking for white men and black women. Or black women and Asian men. Or anything besides some huge, hulking black male and a petite little blonde white girl.
The interracial fetish has deep roots in cuckoldry, racism, and racial violence. The forbidden aspect of it still lingers in the tone of much of it. A black man taking someone’s wife, their daughter, their sister. Violent sex and rape are often parts of it too. Black males might not see the problem with it, who in their right mind would refuse a trophy for “biggest penis”? But it’s not a trophy or pedestal. It’s objectification. Black males are often depicted as little more than monsters. Beasts, that exist to rape white women and humiliate white men.
Interracial porn is not made for black people. Whether they enjoy it or not isn’t the issue. It’s made for white people. Black men and their allegedly oversized dongs are a novelty, some kind of exhibit they’d all put their fanny packs on to go see. An appliance for wife-fucking, like the Magic Bullet is for smoothie-making.
Look at this in the context of Super Mario Odyssey. Bowser visits all these different worlds, collecting up bouquets and dresses and jewelry to impress Princess Peach. But Peach doesn’t want Bowser. She just wants his massive dragon cock. To Mario and Peach, Bowser is an object. A plot device. Bowser kidnaps Peach, rapes her ass, and Mario stumbles in at some point later to catch them in the act and lynch Bowser like he usually does. Bowser’s emotions are never considered at any point. Maybe Bowser truly loves Peach. Maybe Bowser is more than just a soulless raping machine.
Look at this nice boy’s hair. Don’t worry, this isn’t a spoiler. Don’t shit your pants. It shouldn’t be a spoiler that you fight Bowser in a Mario game, don’t be a stupid fuck.
Look at that nice boy’s hair, all neatly groomed. Bowser is soft. Sensitive. Men often are told to bottle their emotions. To “man up”. To feel is a sign of weakness. And this problem is big in the black, and most definitely Koopa communities. Between black males and Koopa males, their very cultures are centered around violence and criminal activity, through no fault of their own. Bowser is the Koopa idol that they all strive to be, a tyrannical monarch that didn’t get where he is today by handing out bouquets and showering a little blonde bitch with jewelry.
The same can be said of black males. Most of their idols are bad examples, rappers that glorify gang violence and drug abuse, celebrating the lower class they’ve been forced into. Black males and Koopas have no control what kingdom they’re born into. Sure, the Koopas born in the Mushroom Kingdom might have it nice. They can be whoever they want, just like Toads can. They can be a sidekick in Paper Mario, or the President of the United States, it’s all good.
But toxic male culture is rampant in the black community, and white people looking to get their wife fucked by some big black monster off the streets only feeds into that. Black males aren’t all super ripped. Black males aren’t all wife-rapists, they don’t all have massive dongs. Assuming all black men have giant genitals and want to fuck your wife is the same as assuming your female coworkers totally want that dick pic you’re going to send them. It’s fetish-speak. Something that privileged white men like to believe. All women are whores that totally want to be grabbed and touched, and all black males are fucking machines.
Interracial porn is the culmination of those toxic behaviors, the gross taking advantage of vulnerable youths. And you might think, hey, that doesn’t seem like such a big deal, what a weird tangent for this Super Mario Odyssey review to take, are you okay? And to that I say yes, I’m more than okay. I see the truth. I’m woke.
What other form of media is as widely consumed as pornography. Some people don’t like video games, some don’t like television. But everyone has to bust a nut every once in a while. It’s kind of like when that dick back in high school would always call me gay. You know you’re not gay, deep down. But if you hear it all the time, it eventually internalizes, and the next thing you know you’re being held down in the locker room and you can’t stop it.
The objectification of black males for white recreation only serves to belittle them, their dreams and their feelings. It’s bad for the black community, and in turn the white community. This is something we’re all hurt by, and it’s time we took a stand and said no to the race war being perpetuated by RedTube, PornHub, and the like. I’m onto them, they can’t hide from the light of justice. The blood of our children is on their hands, and they think they’re gonna get away with this.
But all the nerdy, small penis Africans out there, we’re all united. We are here, our voices are heard, and we will not stand down while we’re erased from the porn sites of the world. Together, we can make a difference. And the first step in all this is for Super Mario and Bowser to put aside their differences, stop chasing that rich blonde bitch, and go out for a night with the boys.
Mario, Bowser, Luigi, Donkey Kong, Yoshi, Wario, Toad, all the Mushroom Kingdom guys. They’re all men from different ethnic backgrounds, backgrounds that might not have gotten along at one point or another. Bowser, Donkey Kong, and Wario have all been villains. Toad gets fucked over every day by Peach, Yoshi and Luigi get kicked around by Mario all for Peach. But if Peach was never there, what reason would any of them have to fight?
Cracking open a cold one with the boys is all they really need. It’s all any of us really need. If every nation in the world got their men together, and they all cracked open a couple cold ones, we would have world peace. We would have nothing but brotherly love for our fellow boys. The shadow matriarchy pulling our strings from the shadows, pitting us against each other for some cruel exercise in survival of the fittest, if all we did was turn our backs on that, why would we have any reason to fight? Were Eve and Lilith not the fall of Adam?
We small penised individuals must strike out on our own to make the world right. We, Koopas, who have found the right path. Koopas going their own way. And we will not stand by and watch our people fall victim to the matriarchy any longer. Mark our words.
Mobile games are a wild west of redundant, shallow, half-assed shit. Anyone can slap together a free mobile game, throw it on the app store, and watch the ad revenue roll in.
Anyone can do it. Anyone can profit from it. But it takes true genius to create something great on mobile. True genius, and unapologetically large, sagging, unshaven balls. Balls to realize the power you’ve stumbled upon, and the money you could make by violently raping every orifice of its trembling newborn body.
You like Angry Birds, kids? Everyone loves Angry Birds. The face of mobile gaming. Mobile doesn’t need recognizable icons like Super Mario or Master Chief anymore. They’ve got some Angry fucking Birds.
What else could be as great as a simple physics game with intuitive touch screen controls? What could possibly beat the simple pleasure of swiping, tapping, and reveling in the unbridled whoring out of simple cartoon birds? Their rotund, flightless bodies, lifted by the tiny tuft of feathers atop their head, and defiled with the big, black, throbbing cock of capitalism; surely, there is no greater joy in the entire video game industry.
Angry Birds truly set the bar for what all mobile games should aspire to be. A simple concept, supported regularly with new updates, challenges, levels, and more. Mobile games shouldn’t be just what you get. They should be a rapidly evolving service, with constant new content to fill the void of your empty soul. You’re not truly entertained without constant fresh distractions to fill up the time you spend on the toilet.
How can an intellectual property monopolize your time and energy properly if it’s not constantly growing, changing, finding new ways to nickel and dime you, and infect your children with their cheap merchandise?
Angry Birds is a landmark title for the mobile game market, and though it’s already fallen into irrelevance like every other disposable experience the mobile market provides, its place has already been cemented in history.
The unwanted, unloved merchandise that no one asked for will have a foundational layer in the landfills of the world. Scholars will be excavating colorful plush birds and children’s clothing that no child would wear if their impressionable minds had a say in what their negligent parents dug out of Wal-Mart’s clearance bin. The Angry Birds period will be a brief one, but a pivotal one.
For now, thanks to the groundwork laid by Angry Birds, every mobile game will be chomping at the bit; eager for their chance at the spotlight, their chance to get their sweatshop full of unpaid starving brown children revved up and pumping out cheap, worthless shit to stock store shelves with. Little Timmy plays that bird game on his phone, right? Look, let’s buy him these Angry Birds bed sheets. The perfect gift to keep him warm in the winter, and a permanent social outcast in the summer and for the rest of his life until he dies young in a pool of his own blood, shortly before the SWAT team has to drag his lifeless body out from the school hallways.
Thank you, Finnish game developer Rovio Entertainment, acclaimed developers of the Angry Birds franchise. Without you, the mobile industry would be lost. We would still have no clue how to spend our time on the toilet. We’d still have to sit there and contemplate the emptiness of our purposeless lives. Thanks to you, the harsh truths of the universe will never nag at our subconscious thoughts ever again.
Time alone with ourselves, to meditate and find the path to true nirvana, is completely overrated. Finding peace within our souls and attaining a true understanding of the mysteries of this life is nowhere near the simple bliss of flinging tiny birds to their deaths. Our lives are not complete without this juggernaut of entertainment, spanning multiple video games, a movie, and billions in cheap plastic merchandise.
This is truly a perfect example of the American Dream, to start out from the very bottom and ruthlessly beat a simple concept into the ground until its maggot-ridden body is limp and squishy enough to be raped until there’s enough gallons of semen in it to the point that it looks like its innards were never beaten out of it in the first place. Then all you gotta do is prop it up, put a little hat on it, and by golly you’ve got yourself the next big thing.
From the bottom of our hearts, from every gamer on Earth to you, Rovio. Thank you. Thank you, Rovio. Thank you for all you’ve done. Your service will never be forgotten. Amen.