Your Children Are Being Indoctrinated Into A Satanic Gore Rape Cult

Children these days have it harder than any other generation. For ages, the strong have preyed on the weak. Atheists, communists, nazis. And now in the modern age, pharmaceutical companies and the Cartoon Network.

But if you think for a second that a Teen Titan Go giving your child the autism is the most you have to worry about, I’ve got some news for you. There’s something bigger out there. Bigger than all of us. Bigger than a Teen Titan Go or Angry Bird.

There are dangerous, degenerate people out there. People into sick, twisted things. And they want your kids.

Is this what you want your kids seeing? Is this what you want being transmitted into their impressionable little minds? A large, colored man defiling a woman’s corpse?

Degenerate

Mortal Kombat has been a household name for years, when they first struck terror into the hearts of parents everywhere. They played down the impact it had, they insisted it was a harmless game. And you know what happened then? September 11th.

Over the years, the games have gotten worse. Bloodier gorier, more degenerate and godless. It may have started with some red pixels, but they’ve gone much more extreme. Death, dismemberment, foul language, fornication and rape, adultery, Satan-worship, denying Christ as our savior, homosexuality, masturbation, pornography, even wearing those ripped jeans those godless teens love so much.

And to think it all started with a “harmless” children’s fighting game. We have truly strayed from the path of Jesus.

It's just a game, they said, we know it's not real, they said

Mortal Kombat X, later re-released in a GOTY-style complete edition as Mortal Kombat XL, is the newest incarnation of the series on Xbox One, PS4, and PC. And like each one before it, it’s only gotten worse.

The popular fighting game franchise is as gory as ever. Fast-paced hand-to-hand combat, revealing outfits, and dismemberment of attractive female bodies will train your child to receive sexual stimulation from blood and violence, shaping them into a rapist or murderer. Or rapist murderer. Or murder-rapist, someone that murders things and then rapes them. Or even a murder-rapist-rapist murderer. Someone that murders rapists that murders murderers in order to rape them.

Mechanically the game is top notch, now with new alternate fighting styles for each character and environments that can be interacted with like in NetherRealm’s other, more Batman-y Mortal Kombat game, Injustice. Fatalities and X-ray moves are more gruesome than ever before, and really, who in their right mind would create something like this? What kind of sick sociopaths thrive on designing, drafting, and animating this for our kids to see?

Lord have mercy

The new, very ambitious cinematic story mode brings a fully fleshed out movie to the table too. A movie where you need to press buttons sometimes. That’s exactly what every gamer wants.

The actual story is one that I can guarantee would be frowned upon by Jesus. So much violence and hatred. Demons and raising the dead and all these evil themes. There’s a lot of lore to the game, apparently, kind of like how Street Fighter and other fighting games have “lore”. All of the otherworldly political drama between demons and false deities that are not Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, always conveniently boils down to perfectly timed 1v1 fist fights. Just like in the real world.

Quick-time events, which are a sin in the Bible, also make frequent occurrences between fights. And this has to be their absolute greatest sin, worse than adultery or masturbation. I don’t know what’s less fun, watching a movie before a fight or watching a movie where i need to press the A button at just the right time to properly decapitate an innocent man and bathe in his blood before rubbing it all over my loins before a fight.

Gravest sin

But it’s to be expected of a fighting game, really. It’s the fighting game curse that so many fail to break free from. No one really plays them for the single player, and it’s tough to really deliver a satisfying story or campaign without relying too heavily on cinematics or nonsensical storylines involving tournaments run by demons or evil dictators or whatever the fuck.

All in all it’s very well-made and a good example of a modern fighting game, albeit that does not excuse the horrid agendas being forced down our children’s throats, rather literally, by the lizard men running Warner Brothers Interactive Entertainment. These graphic scenes of fornicating with someone’s skull cavity are reprehensible and should not have ever been made. There is something wrong with you people.

This is clearly a psyop meant to train our children for the eventual takeover by the WB lizard worshipers. If you can’t see that, you are blinder than the guy that got arrows through his eye sockets up there.

Reprehensible

Just look at all the penetrative imagery. Throats being penetrated. Eyes being penetrated. Skulls being penetrated, chests being penetrated. This is just one big penetration game, and the goal is clear.

Why by the end of my playthrough, for education purposes only of course, I couldn’t help but develop raging erections every time someone was dismembered on screen. I had to confess and take a bath in holy water for three months to cleanse the impurities.

These are trained professionals with a clear objective of tainting our children. If you don’t shut off their Xbox and start taking them to church, it’s only a matter of time before your severed head is under their bed and the studded lizard appendages of the WB overlords are defiling their bodies.

You may ask what would Jesus do, but you already know the answer in your heart. Jesus would not put up with this snuff-ass bullshit, and He would do something about it, like some kind of church potluck or fundraiser or something. I think it’s only fair we follow His example.

Is This A Sweet Dream or a Beautiful Nightmare?

2017 has been a year of great games. The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. Super Mario Odyssey. Persona 5. Nier: Automata. Horizon: Zero Dawn. That one other game, the one that’s not really finished yet.

All of these games were bold, they were different. They had an artistic vision, and executed it perfectly. But were any of them truly art?

Can any of them compare to the pure magic that is Sonic Forces? Short answer, no. Long answer, there is no video game in history, save maybe Sonic Adventure 1 and 2, that could compare to Sonic Forces.

Gotta go fast

Sonic Forces is too pure. That is its problem. It is too good, and too pure. Like an unstable element, volatile in its truest form, not long for our world. In a world that’s been bubble-wrapped by things like “what will sell well with the consumer base”, or “what makes a good game”, or “is this a good idea to put in a game geared towards children”, or “are we allowed to do this”… Sonic Forces disregards all of that.

Sonic Forces simply is, and simply does. Sonic Forces takes no prisoners, and unapologetically delivers an experience of pure, untainted fantasy.

It’s almost unbelievable, in a cruelly ironic sense. The other title that released this year, Sonic Mania, was essentially a fan game of timeless, professional quality. Sonic Forces, on the other hand, is a game from Sega’s Sonic Team themselves that feels entirely like it was cooked up by a couple kids on FurAffinity.

Gotta go fast

There is no grounds too unholy for Sonic Team to tread upon. There is no shame in their actions, no hesitation in their movements. You create your own fursona, whom immediately is sucked into the group of Sonic furry friends we all know and love. You rescue Sonic, become his best friend and most trusted ally, and save the day with him. And that isn’t even the tip of the fanfiction iceberg.

Sonic Forces does not shy away from allowing you to unlock the inexplicably blatant full-body latex suit. Not only can you create your own fursona, you can encase them in skin-tight latex. You can make your cute femboy hedgehog wear high heels, and a skirt to hide his feminine hedgehog penis. Maybe you prefer crocs. Those are also an option.

Gotta go faster, faster

It’s a nonstop ride of pure thrills. Your original character is the only one that can defeat Sonic’s latest nemesis, Coldsteel the Hedgehog. An army of fan-favorite villains, and that fucking red guy from Lost World for some reason, wage war against a team of original the character fursonas. Random Sonic characters pop in here and there to save the day for absolutely no reason, with no build-up or climax of any sort. By pure coincidence, at the last second before our heroes die, a convenient character plot device to save the day. Multiple times, at that.

The plot never even establishes itself, let alone delivers any kind of comprehensible narrative. It’s like someone dumped their bin of crusty Sonic plush toys onto the floor, stuck their chubby fingers lovingly into the discolored fuckholes, and just started mashing them together and making action figure noises. And in that, is where Sonic Forces’ true beauty lies.

A beautiful, perfect piece of abstract, primal desires. Yes, the gameplay is a mess. The classic, 2D Sonic levels are pretty okay, and everything else is a sloppy, incoherent mishmash of explosions and running very fast. Level design and proper pacing are out the window, in favor of running straight lines through robots, from one nonsensical setpiece to the next. Remember when you ran away from the killer whale in Sonic Adventure? That’s the entire game.

Faster faster faster

This is what makes the game good. Not in a traditional sense. Or in a realistic sense. Or in any way that could possibly be enjoyable to a normal human being. But the art. This is what makes the game art. And again, not by any traditional means.

Sonic Forces perfectly captures what it means to be “Sonic”. Sonic Mania may have captured the true essence of classic Sonic nostalgia and everything that made the old games good, but Sonic Forces is the true masterpiece. Capturing the pure, human essence of the modern Sonic fanbase. Their confused, nonsensical sexual desires and paraphilias. The power fantasies, the promises of friendship and love that they’ve never felt before as the social pariahs. The escapism from whatever outlandish, conservative family structure they have. They’re probably a Mormon. I’m almost certain they’re Mormon.

Sonic Forces is beauty. Sonic Forces is art. Sonic Forces is flawed, but that is what makes it human, which makes it art. It is a pure, unadulterated fantasy world, untouched by the realistic expectations or standards of what anything should ever be.

Sonic gets vored by a snake. Sonic gets vored by a giant fucking snake. There is at least a ten minute setpiece where you get swallowed whole by a snake, held in its belly and digested, before Sonic’s unappetizing taste ultimately causes him to be regurgitated. They really go in on all the details. You can tell, you can absolutely tell, that whoever proposed the idea was sweating profusely and pitching a tent in his kimono or whatever the fuck they wear over there. Same as the guy that proposed the full-body latex encasement suit. Or the crocs.

Go go go go go go go go go

You might be able to write off Sonic Forces as a bad game. You, up there on your high horse, pretending like you don’t also have your own inner demons. Your own deep, dark desires. But we know. We know everything.

We’re all human. We’re all a little broken on the inside. Everyone has their skeletons. Everyone has their bodies in the freezer downstairs. The search history we’ve deleted. The things we’ve opened incognito tabs for. Everyone’s got a file cabinet full of suspect Google searches back at the FBI’s office.

So you can go ahead and laugh. Go ahead, pass your judgment on the weird crossdressing furry latex encasement vore game. But when Jesus comes again, and all of our sins are laid out before us, at least we won’t have “being a judgmental cunt” on there next to “bestiality” and “wanting to vore something”/”wanting to be vored by something”.

God Isn’t Real Haha Life Is Meaningless Burp

Burp haha science lol everyone is slowly dying, where’s my chicken tender dip? I need my chicken tender dip. For science. Burp. Haha lol.

You know that one? That’s my favorite show. Classic television programming. Always big on the ol’ Reddit. Sometimes you just gotta quote the show and Reddit will like that. Thank you for the gold, kind stranger. But did you know there’s a video game for it now too?

That’s right. Mr. Swifty. You know, from the show? Get swifty. Haha. Lol!

wobble gobble ding dong

A top-down, fast-paced beat-em-up for the Nintendo Switch and PC, Mr. Swifty puts you in the shoes of the one and only Mr. Swifty. From the cartoon. And you need to infiltrate a high-security tower thing to get your dip back. You know the blue guy from X-Men? Not the one with the tits, the other dude. The one that teleports? Mr. Swifty is kinda like if that guy was in Hotline Miami, and also if there were no drugs involved.

Where Hotline Miami was an intense game with a powerful feeling of life and death, Mr. Swifty kinda just swaps that out for super powers. That intense adrenaline rush, the sensation of knowing that in the brief few seconds after you storm through that door, someone will be dying? The chaos of all your planning and strategy crumbling in the heat of the moment? All of that is gone, and instead we got the ability to instantly vaporize and materialize somewhere else.

Kinda like my dad, one minute he’s going out for cigarettes and the next he shows up at my graduation asking if he could borrow five bucks for dry-cleaning. But he wasn’t even wearing a shirt, so I don’t know what he needed to dry-clean.

wumbo jumbo bazinga

Mr. Swifty is an incredibly satisfying brawler, and uses its gimmick in quite a few interesting ways. Unlike Hotline Miami, you’re forced to stick to melee combat. Punching, using blunt objects to knock people around, throwing coffee cups and shit in their face, just whatever you find lying around. You can chuck a wad of money at someone to knock them out, but you can’t pick their gun up off the floor to use. Not even to throw the gun at someone, you can’t even touch the guns.

The weapons you do find lying around are usually pretty similar in how they work, because again, they’re almost all either blunt objects or projectiles. It’s not like there’s combos or anything, you just mash the button to kill people. There’s quite a bit of enemy variety though, and the game will give you options on how you’d like to tackle them. You can barge in, punching and teleporting your way through everything. Or you can always opt for the silent, stealthy approach.

Teleporting through walls and stringing together kills by warping between enemies is a lot of fun, and the action rarely stagnates. It’s an incredibly empowering experience, far from the endorphin-fueled lesson in mortality that Hotline Miami was. You get no sense of the fragility of human life, just the overwhelming sensation of how fucking badass it is to teleport through a guy and kick him through a fucking window. Very different games.

now that's just cool

Towards the end of the game, when almost every enemy has, like, an automatic grenade shotgun? Maybe it’s closer to Hotline Miami, but only in the sense that you’re going to die a lot. It gets very tense, but I would never put it on the same level as Hotline Miami. In fact, I wouldn’t even want to put them in a sentence together.

Unless the sentence was “Mr. Swifty is a poor attempt to recreate Hotline Miami and completely misses in its attempt to even capture the true essence of the original game, but you can set off all the explosives in a room just as you teleport through a wall, leaving all of the enemies trapped inside to meet their fiery demise, so the game is still pretty alright”.

Standing on its own merits, Mr. Swifty definitely scores much higher than when compared to Hotline Miami. Going in expecting the same thing would definitely disappoint a few people.

hey, that's pretty good

If you enjoyed Hotline Miami, I think it’s only natural that you would also enjoy Mr. Swifty. They loosely use similar game mechanics, even if the feel and aesthetic are completely off. The art style is pretty attractive, though there is a tiny bit of slowdown I noticed when things get a little too hectic on screen.

The core concept is pretty sound though. It could even apply to other games. Just think about it. Take a game that’s really good, and then add a superpower. Hotline Miami with teleportation might seem cool, but what if you had shapeshifting powers in Pokemon? You could become the Pokemon and fight alongside your Pokemon. And like, probably yiff them too.

Or what if Cooking Mama could spontaneously ignite her body? She wouldn’t even need to cook shit anymore, she would just have to hold shit and it’d get cooked. The name Cooking Mama would still make sense in a way.

Really, superpowers need to be the next gaming trend. Fuck the mech, fuck the bow and arrow, fuck the open-world and the rogue-like. Superpowers. That’s what we need.

Fist Me Harder, Daddy

Haha, how’s it going bros, my name is Waaaaaffle King.

Today, we’ll be looking at the next biggest app to hit the mobile market since Miitomo. Remember that one? Classic game.

Everyone’s favorite Youtube channel now has an official game. That’s right, Smosh. Yep, Smosh finally got their shit together and made a game. It wasn’t a scam after all, folks.

Look at this stupid fucking face.

Just kidding. It’s actually a game from everyone’s, uh, least favorite Youtuber. PewDiePie. Yeah, ew.

Somehow, someone thought it was a great idea to let this fucking guy have a game. Whoever allowed this should be fired, and needs to be dropkicked into a volcano.

PewDiePie’s Tuber Simulator is a game all about building your very own Youtube empire just like his. Except even if you’re only clicking buttons on your phone while you’re taking a dump, you’ll probably still have way more talent than he’ll ever have.

It's just like real Youtube.

I don’t get why PewDiePie is such a big deal, I mean really, he doesn’t even do anything. He doesn’t have any real talent, he just gets by because he has a cute face. Do you think he’d have half as many subscribers if he was just making his usual shitty videos but was an ugly inbred Jap like Filthy Frank? I don’t think so. Filthy Frank looks like shit.

He looks like the guy that runs the nail salon my mom goes to. Only like, if he had Down’s Syndrome, raped his sister, and they tried to abort it but it didn’t quite turn out right. And she also had Zika virus so his head is fucking deformed. And then that crippled child grew up to be a meth addict. I’m pretty sure I just summed up Frank’s life story right there.

And yet he’s a successful, popular Youtube nonetheless. He has talent. He’s like the Asian Stevie Wonder. PewDiePie ain’t shit. If PewDiePie was such a big deal, why is it called Tuber Simulator and not Youtube Simulator? If he’s making a billion dollars playing Minecraft or whatever the fuck he does, you’d think the rights to use the Youtube name would be easy for him to get. But no, we get fucking Tuber. Like the shitty Walmart brand Youtube. Thanks, Pewds.

Classic Pewds humor.

At its core, Tuber Simulator is a game about resource management and waiting. Click a button to start making a video. Wait for it to finish, use the views you get from it to buy stuff for your room. Wait for it to arrive. Getting things will make you level up. Get a different kind of premium currency, “Bux”, as you level up for buying other things, or to get things with your views faster to level up faster. Get skill points for your skill tree with each level, make all of the other steps faster or more efficient with your skills. Rinse, repeat.

Buying furniture to customize your room is how you level up, which I thought was kinda weird. You’d think subscribers would be how one levels up, you know? Increasing your fan base, making a bigger name for yourself. But you know it really kinda makes sense for PewDiePie to prioritize buying things over his fans. You know, because he’s a talentless sell-out that plays like Minecraft and shit all the time and isn’t even funny and is stupid and Swedish and stupid. Of course he would prioritize stuffing his stupid face with his stupid Swedish meatballs or whatever the fuck Swedes eat over in Sweden instead of bonding with his fans.

Of course you can buy in-game “Bux” with your real money too, because it’s not a mobile game without shamelessly charging someone $100 for in-game dollars to buy an in-game cow or whatever stupid shit you gotta decorate your room with. And why are they called “Bux”, huh? You can’t just call them dollars or something? You gotta be cute with your little names, huh? Fuck you, Pewds. This is America, we use dollars. We don’t use “Bux” like you do in Swedan, Pewds.

Fucking Swede

Look at his dumb pixelated face and dumb Swedish talk. I fucking hate him. His stupid videos and his stupid cash-grab mobile game. He doesn’t care about his fans at all, he only cares about making us buy his stupid Swedish “Bux” and watch his stupid videos. He’s not in it for the art.

You know a great Youtube channel that isn’t in it for the money, h3h3Productions. You know, Ethan? The channel with the fat, autistic, middle-aged Jew guy? He’s like 50 but prances around like he just got off the middle school short bus?

Ethan is a fucking Jew, it’s in his blood to try and take our shekels. But he’s not putting out some weak-ass Minecraft shit or anything. He really tries in his videos. They might not all be funny, I mean most of them aren’t. But you can tell he’s trying his best given his handicap.

If the option to pay real money for in-game junk wasn’t bad enough, you got these fucking ads.

Greedy Jew

PewDiePie, more like JewDiePie, am I right? Ha. Ha ha.

The ads aren’t mandatory, you can do them to increase your views or decrease the wait time for the furniture you order. But like, if you don’t watch them, you gotta wait that much more for anything to happen. Which is boring.

Aside from that, yeah, it’s a pretty alright game. If you only play it while on the toilet, it doesn’t really feel like you’re waiting at all. The game’s simple pleasures of decorating your room and customizing your avatar are nice, there’s a little pug mini-game to speed things up, and you can rate other people’s rooms. Different quests you can get everyday also help to give you a little something else to do while you wait for things to happen.

Hahahaha, it's over 9000.

Hahahahaha, look at that. Get over 9000 subs, hahahaha. That’s a nice meme, Pewds. Great reference to 20-fucking-09. It’s great to know that you’re still on the cutting edge of what’s funny. Learn some new memes why don’t you, fucking unfunny little cunt. Like, uh, Harambe? That’s a funny new meme. The gorilla that got shot? Lol, dicks out for Harambe guys, lol. Maybe if Pewds learned to use fresh memes only he could be funny again. As if Pewds was ever funny in the first place. Which he wasn’t.

It’s really not a bad game though, in spite of Pewds being in it. It helped pass the time when I was stuck at my dumb, wealthy, redneck aunt’s gluten-free, non-GMO birthday party. I was on the couch playing this shit for like five hours so I wouldn’t have to talk to anyone. And they kept offering me gluten-free meatballs. I didn’t want any fucking gluten-free meatballs.

It definitely got the job done. It’s a pretty fun game in the same vein as Fallout Shelter or any of the other micromanaging simulator games you can download on your phone. And it’s great to see someone make it big off of Youtube and get their own quality game, you know?

And he's got his pugs in here too, of course.

Just, why PewDiePie of all people? Talentless fucking Swedish fuck. Literally anyone else would’ve been great. Like Leafy. Imagine Leafy simulator. Instead of subs you’d have a body count of how many people you cyber-bullied into killing themselves. That’d be metal as fuck, dude.

They could give a game to that one cancer survivor kid that no one cared about until he roasted Leafy. They gotta get the Make-A-Wish Foundation in on that, dude, it’d be like the biggest thing for cancer patients. Imagine a bunch of little kids dying of cancer all in their hospital beds playing “I’m Gay” Simulator or whatever his name is. People would donate their money to that for sure.

Or that one other guy that’s in Filthy Frank videos. The one with an accent. He’s alright. He’d make a better game than PewDiePie that’s for sure. Fucking PewDiePie. I could make a better game and a better Youtube channel than PewDiePie. The only reason I didn’t do it yet is, uh, because I didn’t feel like it, duh.

The game’s social features and customizing is definitely its biggest draw. I’d say all of PewDiePie’s classic humor and fan service is in here too, which it is, but that would imply he was funny or had fans. Which he doesn’t.

Tuber Simulator’s only real problem, aside from being a PewDiePie game, is the exact same issue almost every mobile game ends up suffering from. It’s a very disposable experience. It’s great for playing in short bursts, but it ultimately doesn’t have much actual substance to it aside from consuming either your time or money waiting for meaningless in-game stuff to happen.

It’s definitely entertaining though. I mean I haven’t uninstalled it yet, and I’ve been playing it for a while, so it has that going for it.

But fuck PewDiePie. That fucking Swede. Stupid fucking Swede. I hate him. I hate that guy so much.

Fuck you Pewds. Fuck your fucking face.

Pokemon Minus The Fuckable, Vaguely Humanoid Monsters

Rick and Morty is one of my favorite shows. Fantastic show.

Pokemon is one of my favorite games. I can’t think of any other game with as many different things to beat off to as Pokemon has.

Combining them should be perfect for me, right? That should be something I’m really into, right?

I get that every game does this but it's still ridiculous.

I’m honestly a little hurt by this, but I don’t know why I had my hopes up for a shitty mobile game.

Pocket Mortys takes all the fun of capturing and training Pokemon, disregards most of it, and just slaps together one of the most barebones RPG experiences I’ve ever played. With some zany, wacky Rick and Morty charm and microtransactions to act as the duct tape binding this cheap mess together.

Come on, guys, it’s your favorite dudes. Rick and Morty. Give us your money to catch some Pokemans. Wibble dibble ding dong. Your zany pals Rick and Morty. Look at us and our comical blatant disregard for everything lol haha razzle dazzle flim flam we’re all gonna die anyway nothing matters lol science.

The first few moments of Pocket Mortys is promising. You get a taste of the battle mechanics and capturing another Morty. It all seems exactly like Pokemon. And it is. It’s a literal cut and paste of Pokemon mechanics. It’s dumbed down considerably, but it’s there.

Team Ricket

There’s type match-ups, just like Pokemon. Moves of the correct type will do extra damage, moves of the weaker type will do less. It’s a simple Rock, Paper, Scissors thing, like the types are literally Rock, Paper, and Scissors. There’s only three types, plus your default Morty’s neutral typing. But it works.

It is slightly more difficult, however, in the sense that it’s not quite as simple. Which you’d think it’d be the other way around, less types seems easier. But knowing a blue turtle is Water-type or a red dragon is Fire-type is a lot easier to figure out than what type Banana Morty, Cat Morty, or Spoon Morty are.

He has a spoon

Mortys can evolve, though it takes a little more than just leveling up. You need to fuse together Mortys of the same species to evolve them, so it’ll involve capturing a lot more. Other than that though, it’s essentially a very primitive Pokemon title.

And then, everything goes to shit. Somewhere between the start of the game and capturing a full team of Mortys, the difficulty spikes to an absurd degree, making simply playing the game an obnoxious chore. Progress screeches to an absolute halt as you find yourself caught in a never-ending grind.

Paper-type, obviously.

When you get to the point where you have a full team, every single trainer will have a full team. A full team that can more than rival yours, at times. And the way the battles go, you really can’t defeat someone’s Morty without losing one of your own Mortys.

They’re not as quick as most Pokemon battles, where a string of perfect type match-ups can end a battle in seconds. There’s always a back and forth of attacking each other, and it takes longer than it should. Even with type match-ups. Which, again, are harder to plan for since memorizing what Morty is which type is so difficult. What type is Banana Morty? He’s a banana. How the fuck are you supposed to figure that out at first glance?

Some of them are pretty easy to figure out, a Morty with claws is gonna be Scissors-type. “Spooky Morty”, with a sheet over his head, is Paper-type. Okay, yeah, I can kinda see that. But other times it seems perfectly random. “Geriatric Morty”, an elderly Morty, is Paper type. Why? I’m not sure. “Veiny Morty” is Scissors-type. He’s a Morty with no skin. Is he Scissors-type because all of his skin was cut off? I don’t know.

What type is he? Who fucking knows.

“Tired Morty”, a Morty that just wants to sleep, is Rock-type. Wouldn’t he be Paper, because of the already established sheet = Paper rule? Nothing makes sense.

Memorizing Morty types is the least of your worry though, because every other section of the game is designed to make you hate the game. The randomized dungeons filled with other Morty trainers with maxed out parties that are a chore to fight through have no exit or anything to them, so should you need to heal up before a boss fight, your choices are to stock up on an absurd amount of healing items beforehand to heal your entire party after every single fight, or just let your team die.

I was finding myself avoiding as many battle as I could towards the end, just trying to find the boss so I could hurry up and get to the next part of the game. A game that struggles to reward you with anything more than “haha lol look how zany we are, sizzle dizzle snoop dogg look at how random we are, spoon morty haha because he has a spoon and he evolves into spork morty haha XD so random”. The dialogue isn’t even particularly funny, considering how great the writing is to actual Rick and Morty episodes.

DORARARARARARARARARARA

Considering that Pocket Mortys is free, it’s not too bad. A crippled Pokemon clone, for free, is really not too bad. All the fun of Pokemon is in there. There’s even an interesting little crafting system where you can merge items to create better items. Pokemon doesn’t have that. This is like totally just as good as Pokemon.

Even if almost all of the move animations are literally the same, and all of the monsters are the same but one is holding a spoon so it’s funny, and it’s all randomly generated and grindy and not fun at all. It’s really not that bad, you know, for free.

Eating the stray pieces of shredded cheese and lettuce out of Taco Bell bags you find in the dumpster is free, and that’s both your daily necessary calcium and leafy green vegetable serving for the day. It’s literally just as good as buying actual food.

If you’re looking for a decent Pokemon experience but don’t want to pay for it, you can totally go for Pocket Mortys. Or you could just pirate actual Pokemon games like the horrible person you are. Fucking pirate-ass bitch. You aren’t even a real pirate, unless you go all the way and rob GameStop of all their Pokemon games while wearing an eye-patch. That’s respectable pirating. Not that shitty emulator stuff.

Nintendo Switch Already Set To Get Its First Disappointment Before Launch

With the Nintendo Switch on the horizon, we’re gonna need some games. That’s the most important part of any new console launch, games. Nintendo fans might think otherwise, given how most of their consoles have launched recently. But trust me, you’re supposed to launch with games. It’s just something that happens, they just kind of come out naturally.

But a game has been announced for the Nintendo Switch already, and everyone has been very excited. Can you believe that? One whole game is coming to the Switch. And the developer? They want it on the Switch. They’re not even being paid by Nintendo to put it on there. It almost seems like a prank. They’re not gonna, like, pretend they’re making a game for the Switch and then it turns out the box is actually full of anthrax, are they?

It’s more likely than you think.

This image is full of anthrax, nice going.

A very nice, generous man from France or something has a very nice idea for a game. It’s called The Last Guardian. You’re a boy, running around doing nothing with your stupid dog thing. It’s going to be in development forever and then just not come out.

It’s based off a book, which is apparently about a boy with autism that can talk to his dog through psychic powers. Which, I don’t know about you, but that sounds to me like game of the year. The Nintendo Switch’s killer app. When is psychic autism boy gonna be confirmed for Smash? Lucas doesn’t count.

It looks very pretty, trust me. You can go ahead and watch the trailer with its totally not stock Unreal Engine assets and very smooth, professional animation. This is not a scam.

This is going to be the Nintendo Switch’s killer app, so can you please send money? We’re gonna do a Kickstarter, send us lots of money, come on. Send nudes, send nudes over Kickstarter. Games require money and motivation.

You know how Nintendo said there would be a big announcement for the Switch in January? And how all of the developers are also being very secretive with their Switch games? Nothing official has really been announced yet. But this guy just decided to announce his very own Nintendo Switch exclusive. It’s also currently running on PC, not even a Nintendo dev kit.

And you know, if he actually had a dev kit, he’d also be bound by the NDA, so he wouldn’t even be able to start announcing things. But like, that’s not a big deal, right? Come on guys, we’re getting one whole game. One whole game, from this developer that has no dev kit, has a shitty-looking trailer, and according to our sources that I can’t even read because I don’t speak croissant, this guy is a fucking joke.

But it’s okay guys, come on, Nintendo Switch is getting their first exclusive. We need to band together as a community to send them one billion dollars. Enough for him to achieve his perfect, artistic vision of this book he read. It’s gonna be great. This will be the game people buy a Switch for.

Don’t worry guys, you won’t be disappointed one bit. He’s gonna have a Kickstarter to get a billion dollars, and if the game ever comes out, everyone is gonna hate on it just because it’s a Switch exclusive. But all of the real Nintendo fans will know that it’s a real masterpiece. Remember Devil’s Third? A real masterpiece. This is going to be Devil’s Fourth. Just you wait. We’ll show them. We’ll show them all that Nintendo can get great exclusives.

2016 Is Coming Back And The World Is In Mortal Danger

Guys, I got some bad news. We’re all probably gonna die. Or something. This is serious.

2016 was a rocky time for our world, but it also saw many great things happen. Things that, like history, should stay in the past where they belong. The Fallen Ape, the Rise of the Green Unicycle Men, the discovery of the lost porous creatures of prehistoric origin. And who could forget The Great War of the Three, which ultimately lead to the decisive victory of the Angery Frog Boys and their beloved Grand Talking Yam.

I think we can all agree that it was a trying time. It was the year I had my first Baconator, and things just haven’t been the same since. And while I, like many, would love to put it all behind us, the ones that profited off our struggles would have us relive those dark days. Because hey, it’s better than 2017.

oh god

Pokemon Go has received a steady drip-feed of updates since launch, nothing too major, mostly minor text fixes. But people have been waiting for some major updates for a long time now. Like, all the things they promised us? PvP, trading, legendary Pokemon? Anything?

Well, guess what. It’s finally all coming, one entire year later. In an interview with some site I can’t read because I don’t speak Pokemon, Niantic confirmed that a major update is planned for the summer, including PvP, legendary Pokemon, and more. You can read a translated version of the interview here.

“We know a lot of people have fond memories of the first few weeks of Pokemon Go. It was a crazy, wild time. Like the pioneers exploring the West. We want to bring back this feeling, as much as possible. And that’s why, we’ve decided that we’ll simply relive those glory days. All of us, forever.” Niantic stated in our interview, in a chillingly calm tone.

pokemon go into the void

“We will Pokemon Go back to 2016 as many times as it is necessary, using Google’s extensive technology and knowledge of the ancient tongue, we will combine the powers of Man and God alike to create a true heaven on earth, a new Garden of Eden. But with Pokemon.” Niantic monks chanted in the background, their hoods decorated with the Google logo. “In one of these timelines, Pokemon Go will get the PvP on time. They will get the trading and legendary Pokemon on time. No one will ever put down Pokemon Go, and we will usher in a brand new age.”

I was shown a great orb that was pulsing with power, and was instructed to hold my hand gently against it. When I did, I could feel it. Pokemon Go, inside of me. It was a spiritual moment. I could feel it, a powerful love. But it also filled me with a great fear. I dropped to my knees before the orb, and was immediately escorted away by the monks to a different room, where there was a machine. But it looked to be sculpted not of metals or glass, but of flesh and energy. An abomination of Man, Machine, and God. An engine capable of tapping into the flow of time itself, and screeching our existence to a halt, to live blissfully in this moment forever.

It was at this time that I began to wake up from their attempted indoctrination, and fled from the saccharine embrace of the monks. I smashed the orb, from which a gorilla made of smoke awoke. It let out a powerful roar, the monks trembling. “You fool, what have you done?!” they all shrieked. I didn’t stick around long after. I didn’t want to know what would happen. I grabbed one of the unicycles lined up against the wall and booked it for the exit. Behind me, I could hear the gorilla’s deep, fatherly grunt. “Thank you, My son. Thank you for freeing Me.”

So yeah, Pokemon Go will be getting a new update in the summer. I hope you’re all excited. Maybe it’ll be like a big deal again. Who knows.

Bayonetta 3 Is Officially Happening, And Changing Up The Series Like Never Before

The 2017 Game Awards were huge for Nintendo. They took home awards for both The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild and Super Mario Odyssey, and a number of other achievements. But that wasn’t the end of it. They had a lot more to announce too.

Bayonetta will be making another triumphant return exclusively to a Nintendo platform, despite the lukewarm success of Bayonetta 2 on the Wii U. Nintendo still thinks there is a future for the franchise, and will be bringing both 1 and 2 to the Switch, as well as a new installment. Bayonetta 3 will launch next year, supposedly, and take Bayonetta in a direction never before seen. The stakes will be raised higher than anything you’ve ever experienced.

Kamiya, director of the Bayonetta games, had this to say on the new title:

“In Bayonetta 3, we want to explore a new side of Bayonetta. A side we’ve never seen. As you know, in the past games, whenever we see a younger version of Bayonetta, she does not have the mole. But modern Bayonetta, she has the mole. My personal explanation for this, is that witches only get moles after they’ve experienced something important in their life. This is why, in Bayonetta 3, we will be exploring the origins of Bayonetta’s mole, and the impact it has had on her. I remember when I was working on the first Bayonetta title. I found a lump, right here. Would you like to see it? Don’t worry, it’s benign. Here– you can touch it, it’s okay. Anyway, I found this lump. It was a cause of great concern. I would like to put some of that experience into a game.”

Unlike her past games, where Bayonetta went face to face with angels and demons, in 3 she will be going up against something much scarier. Dermatologists, and waiting rooms.

Fucking Beth

Bayonetta will have to deal with new arch-nemesis Beth, the receptionist. Beth will always tell her “the doctor will be with you shortly, it’ll just be a little longer”, but it’ll never just be a little longer. It’ll always be a lot longer. And they don’t have a plugging outlet, and your phone will be at 20%. It’ll take all of Bayonetta’s witching skills to overcome that wicked bitch and her wiles.

Having discovered a mole where there was no mole before, Bayonetta will get it checked out at her local dermatologist, where they tell her it may be malignant. They’ll need to run some tests to make sure it’s benign, and it’ll take about a week or two for the results to get back. In the meantime, Bayonetta will need to keep coming in for regular appointments to make sure there are no immediate developments, and keep a watchful eye to make sure there are no drastic changes in size, shape, color, or any unhealthy discharge.

This new medical mystery won’t come without hardship, and Bayonetta will be forwarded to many a specialist to make sure she gets the care she needs. She’ll need to make sure they’re covered under her insurance also.

The doctor is in

Long-time fans of the series need not fret, all the fast-paced action and sexy fanservice will be right where you expect it. You’ll need to furiously button-mash to scroll through Bayonetta’s Twitter feed as she sits in the waiting room, and you’ll need to have lightning-quick reflexes to stand at the right moment when your name is called. Should you mess up and stand when someone else’s name is called, everyone in the waiting room will turn and stare at you, dealing a crippling blow to Bayonetta’s ego and self-worth.

And when the doctor asks if Bayonetta has noticed any other growths or blemishes, she will bare it all to make sure she gets the proper treatment she needs, in typical Bayonetta style.

The stress of all the procedures won’t be easy for her, though. She’s no longer in her prime, no longer the woman she used to be. Can she still be a witch? Should she give it up? Bayonetta will also go through a maddening mid-life crisis, and at one point in the game start going for jogs and exclusively wearing MC Hammer pants. This will be the toughest ordeal you’ve ever seen her through.

You know I had to do it to em

Will Bayonetta’s mole be benign, or malignant? Will she need to have her mole removed? Will that twisted bitch Beth ever get what’s coming to her? It’ll be a wild rollercoaster of nonstop action and thrills in Bayonetta 3.

When we tried to squeeze some more juicy tidbits out of Kamiya, he gently placed a finger on my lips to shush me, before turning into a cheetah and leaping out a window. I was concerned that he would fall to his death, but he promptly became a condor and flew into the sunset. There is no telling where he is now, or what cruel fate awaits the Umbra witch.

Bayonetta 1 and 2 will be released for the Switch in the Spring. There is no concrete date for 3 yet, but we can only expect it to release sometime in 2018. The suspense is killing me.

EA Opens Up GoFundMe After Battlefront 2 Flop Caused By Cyberbullying

EA’s Star Wars Battlefront 2 saga has been ongoing since the game’s initial announcement. First people were excited that they were finally gonna improve upon the last abysmal attempt at a Battlefront game. It was gonna have a real campaign and everything. They even promised, no DLC.

And then the real news came out. There were going to be loot boxes instead. And of course, in typical EA fashion, they were going to gouge every last nickel and dime from us with as many microtransactions as they legally could. The fans did not approve of this, and there was a considerable backlash.

But did you ever stop to think about EA’s feelings? This has been especially hard for them. And they think you owe them an apology.

Stop bullying!!!!!!

EA’s stock has plummeted, their employees have been threatened, their relationship with Disney is rockier than ever, and their investors are very upset. Can’t you see that your selfish internet bullying has ruined lives? I mean come on, it’s only video games. It’s not like this is super serious or anything.

Internet bullying is wrong, no matter how you want to justify it. If you cyberbullied ISIS until they disbanded and never killed another innocent civilian ever again, you would burn in Hell for eternity. The ends never justify the means, and bullying is illegal in every form. EA is the real victim here. And all because you didn’t want to pay extra money for some dumb video game features. Come on, people have been slaving away at this shit for well over a year I’m sure. Animators, programmers, artists, and so many more worked tirelessly to create this dumb video game for you. Are you seriously telling me you won’t even respect their time by just paying an extra $90 just for the chance to unlock Darth Vader? You should be ashamed.

At least, that’s what EA claims with their new GoFundMe campaign. You’ve cost their business millions of dollars. And now they want it back, and then some for the emotional damages.

If you would like to donate to EA in their time of need, you can find their GoFundMe here.

Regardless of your personal feelings on Battlefront 2, I think we can all agree that bullying is wrong. And all of the proceeds will be going directly to EA’s investors, and Bully Patrol themselves. The Bully Patrol, the men and women on the frontlines protecting us from bullies night and day.

If you’re still skeptic, famous celebrity Kevin Spacey has already stepped forward as a show of support, and is giving all of EA’s investors signed copies of Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare as well as front row seats to his impending court hearing. “I have to give it to EA, they really are a trusted developer in the industry. Anyone that brings joy to children is something worth protecting in my book. Especially with how big Star Wars Battlefront 2 is for the LGBT community. The first openly gay big-budget, AAA game is no small feat, and it deserves respect where respect is due.” Spacey said in an exclusive interview at the Gap Kids fitting rooms.

Other names in the industry have also come forward, including Phil Fish, who was a victim of bullying himself. Mr. Fish has kindly donated copies of Fez to everyone at EA.

We at Lord Waffle King Dot Com must agree with the sentiment. No matter how you try to spin in, bullying is wrong, and I think at the very least we owe EA an apology for our rude behavior, and maybe like twenty bucks of loot boxes. It’s the least we could do.

Nan Takes A Tumble 2: Tumblegeddon

Tumbling is more than just something your nan does. It’s an art form. A way of life. Nan puts a lot into her tumbling. She’s up bright and early, downing her oatmeal and grapefruit to keep her heart healthy. She’s always packing Life Alert, just in case.

But sometimes, a tumble down the stairs doesn’t cut it anymore. Human life is all about evolution. Growing, changing, becoming stronger. We can’t tumble down stairs forever. We need to set our sights higher. Like tumbling up a fucking mountain.

Get fucked, Nan. The future is now.

fuck off nan

This isn’t your nan’s tumbling anymore. The game has changed. This is TumbleSeed. Your nan thinks breaking hips is intense? Prepare to break your everything. Your will to live? Broken. TumbleSeed doesn’t play around. You’re gonna have to do 100 tumbles in less than a minute if you want to keep up with TumbleSeed.

TumbleSeed is the latest in tumbling games for PS4, PC, and Nintendo Switch. Like Dark Souls with tumbling. You’re gonna be fucking pissed at how much you need to tumble just to get shit done in this game. But that’s what makes it good. To some people. Definitely not all though. It’s a rogue-like tumbler, so in other words, every time you die you need to start all over again. And it’s really fucking hard. That alone is a deal breaker for a lot of people.

It’s incredibly easy to overlook how much depth there is to TumbleSeed, and that’s simply because my first impression was “fuck this game and everything it stands for”. There’s an incredibly steep difficulty curve to TumbleSeed, and it doesn’t make things easy when you’re just trying to get a grip on how to play the game. The controls are slightly awkward; it kinda reminds me of one of those Chuck E. Cheese games where you need to balance those huge-ass unbalanceable blocks on that little tilt thing, and if you can actually do it, you win a bunch of tickets. Except instead of blocks you’re balancing your nan. You don’t control her directly, just the little tilt thing she rests on. And she just won’t sit the fuck still.

hardcore tumbling

The game’s initial premise is deceptively simple. You tumble your nan up the mountain, and avoid the enemies and holes. Except there’s too many fucking holes and too many fucking enemies. So you kind of die. A lot. But the game slowly introduces new abilities for you to use to even the playing field, only about four of which are permanent. After that, you’ll be able to acquire a slew of power-ups and abilities to make tumbling easier, though they’ll be lost with every new playthrough.

It’s almost like a crude RPG in a sense. You’ll need to carefully manage your resources, which are required to use your powers. Defeating enemies will earn you more resources, though it takes a considerable amount of skill and maneuvering to accomplish in certain cases. There are towns you’ll make stops at, with shops and banks. There’s a lot more to it besides tumbling and dying. But that’s all most will ever see in it, thanks to the ridiculous difficulty.

There are no breaks. None. You don’t ever get to relax. Even the weakest enemy could easily fuck you up, and there’s a lot more that aren’t easy that’ll fuck you up even faster. Sometimes the holes you’re tumbling around will have bombs in them, so even going near them is potentially fatal. Quite a few different enemies will continuously follow you, meaning that you can’t even sit still sometimes without getting it up the ass from something. It’s a stressful game, one that forces you to be vigilant at all times of everything on screen. And the holes. The fucking holes.

fuck em

Fuck these holes, man. Fuck ’em. They’re everywhere. And it’s so hard to navigate around them. And that’s without enemies constantly on your back. Tumbling already requires a saintly level of patience, sometimes these holes are like a fucking tightrope act. And then on top of that there’s enemies that follow you, bombs, and resources for you to manage and shit. Even the little favors it throws your way are cursed.

You can get a rare power-up that follows you around the screen, dealing damage to enemies it bumps into. When I got it, I felt absolutely blessed. Finally, I could tumble in peace. But no, if I touch it, I get hurt. That’s the kind of game this is. You can’t even trust the damn power-ups. You can’t trust anyone in the tumbling game. Not even your nan.

Deriving pleasure from this game is like deriving pleasure from playing Dark Souls. There is none, unless you’re some kind of fucking degenerate. And this game is even worse. In Dark Souls you’re only being gangraped by skeletons and shit. Who the fuck would want to see their nan get gangraped by insects? That’s beyond fucked, man. Dark Souls might be fucked, but this shit is super fucked. This should be illegal.

the fuck is wrong wih you nigga that's yo nan

I don’t think the target audience for a game about your nan getting destroyed by worms and shit is a particularly big one, even with the appealing aesthetic design that went into TumbleSeed. If you’re not into brutal games, I’d say you should probably keep away. This is some graphic shit here. Banned in Australia, actually.

But if you’re weird on the inside because your uncle touched you or whatever and now you get off to pain and working tirelessly to please a video game, TumbleSeed is definitely up your alley. It doesn’t have the kind of precision controls that Dark Souls or any platformer-hell would, but given getting used to the controls, it’s entirely possible to be more than satisfactory at the game. There is skill involved, don’t get the wrong idea.

It’ll take work. Determination. Blood, sweat, and tears. All the things your nan put into her tumbling, back when it was just her and the stairs. They started at the bottom. But now we’re here. And the future of tumbling is on your shoulders. Will you grab it? Or just let it slip? Nan will keep tumbling, don’t disappoint her. She’ll tumble like she always has. Always tumbling. Always, tumbling.

Tumble on, Nan. Tumble on.