Master Roshi Pulled From Dragon Ball FighterZ Roster Amid Sexual Harassment Allegations

Sexual harassment and assault have become very real topics in the world of entertainment as of late. Many women feel that they shouldn’t have to bend to the whim of men in the industry or put up with the constant advances they must endure. No one is safe any longer, no name too big, for the #MeToo hashtag to topple.

Not even a name as big as the Turtle Hermit himself, Master Roshi. The old sage, the one that originally trained Goku to be the fighter he is today, has finally met his match after years of harassing and assaulting the supporting women of the series. Though he was set to star in the latest upcoming three-on-three brawler, Dragon Ball FighterZ, Master Roshi will be sitting this one out amid backlash from the #MeToo movement.

Me Too

Dragon Ball fans have been excited to see all of their favorite fighters in the game, from obvious choices like Goku and Vegeta to side characters like Krillin, Master Roshi, and even Yamcha. For some reason. Really, who wants to play as Yamcha? Roshi might be a sexual predator, but at least he’s not a cuck like Yamcha.

But Master Roshi, one of the fan-favorites in the series, has had a long history of sexual harassment and assault spanning back since the original Dragon Ball series. The old hermit has made advances on women as young as 16, and never shied away from propositioning them, attempting to see them in inappropriate ways, and even groping them.

The heat that the old hermit has been under has evidently grown too strong, though. After years of getting away mostly scot-free with his misogynistic behavior, Bandai Namco announced today that growing pressure from the women coming forward has grown exponentially in the days leading up to launch, and they have no choice but to remove him from the playable roster.

In his place, we will be getting a playable Emperor Pilaf, whom will be able to utilize a number of mechs and gadgets in his fighting.

All hail Emperor Pilaf

Emperor Pilaf, a proud feminist and advocate for social rights, will make a much more progressive addition to the Dragon Ball FighterZ roster, and will be making a sizable contribution to Planned Parenthood to help support women’s rights.

Master Roshi had nothing to say on the matter, and his lawyers have issued a statement saying “Master Roshi has a very good relationship with Bandai Namco, and we will be pursuing opportunities as they come our way. We are confident that our client’s innocence will be proven in court.” Bandai Namco, at the time of this publication, has no plans to add Roshi back to the game, even as a DLC fighter.

Dragon Ball FighterZ is currently dated for January 26th, and will be releasing on Xbox One, PS4, and PC.

Dragon Ball FighterZ Now Includes Vore

Dragon Ball FighterZ is right around the corner; Dragon Ball fans and fighting game fans both have been eager with anticipation to get their hands on the game. Many characters have been revealed, and secrets have been teased. But Bandai Namco still has a lot of tricks up their sleeves. New characters, new forms, secret Easter eggs, and more. Including their latest announcement.

Android 21, the lead antagonist of Dragon Ball FighterZ, will be able to vore her opponents.

Her new Vore form, featuring a distinct Majin-like appearance, will be able to transform enemies into food to consume them and absorb their power. The new design has been met with much approval from the degenerates of the internet, praised for her voluptuous figure and fetishistic abilities.

She doesn’t seem the be the only character designed in this manner either. We got to sit down with Toriyama himself, who is overseeing the game’s development and designing new characters.

“The anime industry has changed quite a bit since work first began on the original Dragon Ball. What is allowed now, we never would have considered using back then. We thought we were pushing the limits, having a perverted old man constantly harassing a teenage girl. But now, with current animes having full on nudity, and that one where the little girl is like a thousand years old so she’s perfectly legal? Why the hell didn’t we think of that? Now, we’re not holding back. Anything is legal in anime now. And I’ve been doing my research. We’ve got a lot more characters planned.”

Kinky

Some of the new characters planned are a human fighter with incredible powers that rival even Goku himself, at the cost of helplessly defecating all over herself in the most sexual of manners whenever she releases her true power. A female Namekian fighter that “just loves banging dogs” will also be available in the season pass. Her fetish has no bearing on her fighting skills, but she will loudly exclaim “I just love banging dogs” before and after every match. There aren’t actually any dogs in the game either.

Some existing characters will also be getting kinked up for their Dragon Ball FighterZ outing, such as Krillin, who now whines in his nasally voice “Harder, Daddy” every time he’s struck in the game. Goku has a new training uniform too, including a ball-gag, handcuffs, and a series of long, slender metal rods of dubious intent. The trailer we saw did not show how they were used, but a sound bite of Goku saying “Anything to become stronger” was all that could be heard before the screen faded to black. Toriyama is confident that these new additions will be very well-received.

Dragon Ball FighterZ will be releasing January 26th. Stay tuned for more updates.

We’re Totally Getting Paper Mario Snap: Ocarina Of Time 2 HD The Thousand Island Dressing

The big day is upon us, and soon all will be revealed about Nintendo’s newest console, the Wii 2U.

All of the questions will be answered, all of the mysteries will be solved. The truth will come to light, and a new war will begin in every Youtube video comment section about how Nintendo is doomed and/or gonna rape Microsoft and Sony with their first party Nintendy games.

But what can we really expect from the Switch event? As a Nintendo insider that has the key to Reggie’s place, I can assure you, it’s gonna be magical.

Soupy Merryo will be very happy with the event.

So Reggie and I, we picked up some hookers and blow, went back to his place. Had a little Nintendo Switching of our own. He’s having a good time, so I’m like “Hey, Reg, how about an early look at that Switch event” and he turns to me and says “fuck off, you ain’t seeing shit”.

So I broke an expensive vase over his head and took it. Watched it three times before he started waking up, had to split.

First things first, there’s a special guest appearance by Iwata. Get this, he’s not actually dead. He’s alive in Serbia. Can you fucking believe that? I thought it was just the crack at first but no he’s really on that Switch event and it’s mind-blowing.

We’ll get lengthy looks at Breath of the Wild and Super Mario 64 2, aptly named Super Mario 65. A new Pokemon game that has every Pokemon game ever made in it will also be revealed, which is actually being made by Bethesda. It’s called Pokemon: Skyrim Edition. It’s gonna be sick. Paper Mario HD Trilogy will also come out, but all three games are actually just Thousand Year Door.

There’s gonna be a new Metroid too, and it’ll be in the Prime style, don’t you worry. In fact, the game starts with Samus giving herself a coat-hanger abortion, so you don’t even need to worry about any uncomfortable baby-induced character development. She’s gonna be cold, silent, badass, and have really big boobs. The real way to portray women.

To make up for Star Fox Zero, they’re gonna remake it without the Game Pad support and also let you play as the puppets from the Direct. And there’s gonna be a new F-Zero. It’ll have all the F-Zero stuff you know and love. Like Captain Falcon. And that’s about it.

hey kidz u want some vidya games

Out of all the outlandish rumors there have been, at least a couple are probably true. We’ll definitely be getting some news of a couple Dragon Quest games, whether they ever leave Japan is up in the air though. The rumor about there being a “Rabbids and Super Mario RPG crossover” is whack, Ubisoft would never agree to that. If Mario is in there they could never back out of an exclusivity deal, Nintendo would have the rights.

A Sonic game is probably on the way, whether it’s Sonic Mania or some 3D furry shit I’ve got no clue. Nintendo always gets the Sonic games. Red Dead Redemption and Mass Effect have already been confirmed not coming to the Switch, so it’ll probably be mostly Japanese developers and indies that are hitting the Switch. You know how Americans hate Nintendo.

The rumors of a Nintendo-themed Dynasty Warriors-style game like Hyrule Warriors hitting the Switch is probably real, they churn those games out like crazy. It’s like Call of Duty to Japan. America likes their guns, Japan likes their ninjas or whatever the fuck. Since they already did Zelda, my bets are on something a little more niche. Wii Fit Warriors has a nice ring to it. You’d have to wear a pedometer or something, I’m not sure if they still use the Balance Boards. And you’d just fuck up a bunch of pale white yoga moms. It’ll be great.

Shovel Knight and a couple other indies have already been confirmed, so they’ll probably have a pretty strong eShop offering at launch. And a ton of Wii U ports have already been announced ranging from upgraded versions of Super Smash Bros and Mario Kart 8 to Lego City Undercover and Splatoon. We’ll probably get a bunch of those.

I’m assuming the price will be around $300, if they actually hope to compete with the Xbox One and PS4. It’ll be a much steeper hill to climb if they’re priced above their competition.

I don’t know about you, but I’m gonna be taking shots whenever they announce something stupid. That way if the Switch ends up being a flop at least I’ll be dead.

I have a good feeling about this one, though. The promise of all of Nintendo’s resources focused on one console really seems like a winner of an idea. There’s no annoying gimmicks, as of right now at least. The switching thing is completely optional, it’s not like there’s games that will require it. So far at least, I don’t even know how they would incorporate that though. This might actually be a good console.

You’ll be able to watch the presentation here on Nintendo’s site, or on Youtube or Twitch.

I hope everyone’s ready. It’s gonna be big. Probably. If they have any games, now would be the time to show them.

We’re Totally Getting Paper Mario Snap: Ocarina Of Time 2 HD The Thousand Island Dressing

The big day is upon us, and soon all will be revealed about Nintendo’s newest console, the Wii 2U.

All of the questions will be answered, all of the mysteries will be solved. The truth will come to light, and a new war will begin in every Youtube video comment section about how Nintendo is doomed and/or gonna rape Microsoft and Sony with their first party Nintendy games.

But what can we really expect from the Switch event? As a Nintendo insider that has the key to Reggie’s place, I can assure you, it’s gonna be magical.

Soupy Merryo will be very happy with the event.

So Reggie and I, we picked up some hookers and blow, went back to his place. Had a little Nintendo Switching of our own. He’s having a good time, so I’m like “Hey, Reg, how about an early look at that Switch event” and he turns to me and says “fuck off, you ain’t seeing shit”.

So I broke an expensive vase over his head and took it. Watched it three times before he started waking up, had to split.

First things first, there’s a special guest appearance by Iwata. Get this, he’s not actually dead. He’s alive in Serbia. Can you fucking believe that? I thought it was just the crack at first but no he’s really on that Switch event and it’s mind-blowing.

We’ll get lengthy looks at Breath of the Wild and Super Mario 64 2, aptly named Super Mario 65. A new Pokemon game that has every Pokemon game ever made in it will also be revealed, which is actually being made by Bethesda. It’s called Pokemon: Skyrim Edition. It’s gonna be sick. Paper Mario HD Trilogy will also come out, but all three games are actually just Thousand Year Door.

There’s gonna be a new Metroid too, and it’ll be in the Prime style, don’t you worry. In fact, the game starts with Samus giving herself a coat-hanger abortion, so you don’t even need to worry about any uncomfortable baby-induced character development. She’s gonna be cold, silent, badass, and have really big boobs. The real way to portray women.

To make up for Star Fox Zero, they’re gonna remake it without the Game Pad support and also let you play as the puppets from the Direct. And there’s gonna be a new F-Zero. It’ll have all the F-Zero stuff you know and love. Like Captain Falcon. And that’s about it.

hey kidz u want some vidya games

Out of all the outlandish rumors there have been, at least a couple are probably true. We’ll definitely be getting some news of a couple Dragon Quest games, whether they ever leave Japan is up in the air though. The rumor about there being a “Rabbids and Super Mario RPG crossover” is whack, Ubisoft would never agree to that. If Mario is in there they could never back out of an exclusivity deal, Nintendo would have the rights.

A Sonic game is probably on the way, whether it’s Sonic Mania or some 3D furry shit I’ve got no clue. Nintendo always gets the Sonic games. Red Dead Redemption and Mass Effect have already been confirmed not coming to the Switch, so it’ll probably be mostly Japanese developers and indies that are hitting the Switch. You know how Americans hate Nintendo.

The rumors of a Nintendo-themed Dynasty Warriors-style game like Hyrule Warriors hitting the Switch is probably real, they churn those games out like crazy. It’s like Call of Duty to Japan. America likes their guns, Japan likes their ninjas or whatever the fuck. Since they already did Zelda, my bets are on something a little more niche. Wii Fit Warriors has a nice ring to it. You’d have to wear a pedometer or something, I’m not sure if they still use the Balance Boards. And you’d just fuck up a bunch of pale white yoga moms. It’ll be great.

Shovel Knight and a couple other indies have already been confirmed, so they’ll probably have a pretty strong eShop offering at launch. And a ton of Wii U ports have already been announced ranging from upgraded versions of Super Smash Bros and Mario Kart 8 to Lego City Undercover and Splatoon. We’ll probably get a bunch of those.

I’m assuming the price will be around $300, if they actually hope to compete with the Xbox One and PS4. It’ll be a much steeper hill to climb if they’re priced above their competition.

I don’t know about you, but I’m gonna be taking shots whenever they announce something stupid. That way if the Switch ends up being a flop at least I’ll be dead.

I have a good feeling about this one, though. The promise of all of Nintendo’s resources focused on one console really seems like a winner of an idea. There’s no annoying gimmicks, as of right now at least. The switching thing is completely optional, it’s not like there’s games that will require it. So far at least, I don’t even know how they would incorporate that though. This might actually be a good console.

You’ll be able to watch the presentation here on Nintendo’s site, or on Youtube or Twitch.

I hope everyone’s ready. It’s gonna be big. Probably. If they have any games, now would be the time to show them.

A Very Shiny, Chrome Piece Of Shit

Hundreds of games are made every year. Massive, AAA games. Indie games, mobile games, and all kinds of games in between.

Most games are eagerly eaten up by one market or the other. There’s a clear consumer base for most games. But every once in a while, a special game comes along. It’s not a hit with most people, some might even think it’s stupid. But it hits all the right notes with a small group of individuals. Games with tiny, niche fanbases like this are usually very special. Near and dear to the hearts of those that played it. Usually it’s just a one-off game, not even a series. Sometimes it has a sequel or two. Sometimes the fans eagerly await the rumored sequel with bated breath.

And sometimes the company responsible for it decides that they need to shit all over everything and fuck everything up for everyone.

I am very upset.

You see this cute little chrome mother fucker? Adorable, right? Yeah, think a-fucking-gain.

This is not good. This is not good at all.

One of my favorite Gamecube games, Chibi-Robo, has gotten a new sequel. It’s had a few in the past, which tried but never quite lived up to the original. The original Chibi-Robo was a weird little game. But it had really smart game design choices, and it had a heart. It was a shame that they could never quite recapture the same spirit of the original.

So Nintendo got the bright idea to turn its failing game series around with Chibi-Robo Zip Lash for the 3DS. Yeah, let’s just take this very niche game that people really loved and make it into a big-time seller everyone will love!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. NO NO NO. THIS IS ALL WRONG. FUCK YOU, NINTENDO. THIS IS ALL FUCKING WRONG, AND YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING ASHAMED. THIS IS NOT HOW THINGS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE, AND YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING ASHAMED YOU SQUINTY-EYED PIECES OF SHIT.

NO. THIS IS NOT HOW YOU FUCKING DO IT NINTENDO. THIS IS NOT RIGHT. YOU CAN’T JUST FUCKING DO THAT. YOU CAN’T TAKE A BELOVED GAME CHARACTER AND SHIT ALL OVER HIM IN THIS WAY.

Chibi-Robo isn’t my beloved little robot with a heart of gold anymore. He’s a sham. He sold out, man. With his fucking PEZ CANDY. PEZ is paying him the big fucking dollars now. He doesn’t need to care about helping people anymore. Character development, what? No, he’s got big money now. Cheebs is rolling in the dough. He spends his time snorting crack off of the most expensive hookers he can buy. He’s got trophy wives, literal ones. He buys attractive women and has them solidified in solid gold. They die, but it’s a beautiful thing. Until they start to smell at least. But that’s what FEBREZE BRAND AIR FRESHENER IS FOR, RIGHT? BROUGHT TO YOU BY CHIBI FUCKING ROBO MOTHER FUCKER.

It's really not THAT bad.

Zip Lash is honestly not too bad of a game. It’s nothing special, but it’s tolerable. It’s uninspired, and unoriginal. But I mean, your kids probably won’t know any better. If you hate your kids, definite recommendation.

It’s a platformer, like Nintendo is famous for. Jump around, collect shit. Use the little plug on your butt to solve simple puzzles. Fight enemies by aggressively whipping them with your butt plug. You collect trash sometimes and need to plug into random outlets to charge up, JUST LIKE CHIBI-ROBO DOES.

It’s honestly okay. There’s some weird gameplay things, but it’s okay. It feels soulless though. Nothing really stands out about it, it just feels generic. It feels like they had a checklist of what makes a good platformer and what makes something “Chibi-Robo”.

It’s like the Adam Sandler movie of Nintendo games. Anyone that knows better will think this game is shit, but most people would be able to play through this and think it was decent. Meanwhile Nintendo gets by on shipping out a shit game stuffed with product placement and cashes in on a literal piece of shit with a junk food advertisement stuffed inside.

I don’t usually mind product placement, but in Chibi-Robo of all things? It feels abrupt and weird. It doesn’t feel natural at all. When I first saw a treasure chest open and fucking PEZ flew out at me, I was confused and scared. I wanted to laugh, but I wanted to scream. It was uncomfortable, like when a waiter jerks off in your drink but you’re out having Mother’s Day brunch with your mom. You don’t really wanna say anything, you don’t want to ruin her special day. You don’t wanna say “Hey, don’t nut in my orange juice” in front of your mom.

Nintendo has done product placement well in other games. Pikmin 2, one of my favorite Nintendo games, uses it pretty well. It feels more fitting. But Chibi-Robo is supposedly environmentally friendly and shit now, since when would he support big business? All those plastic bags and wrappers from the junk food he’s collecting, is he gonna properly dispose of that? It never shows him throwing it out. It never shows if he’s recycling them.

Chibi-Robo is a fraud. He only cares about the environment for the tax write-offs. He’s a greedy corporate pig.

One of the stupidest mechanics in the game is the “Destination Wheel”. You can’t pick which level you play, you spin a wheel to randomly choose. And if you can’t roll the right number, you play a level that you already played.

Mmmm, that's-a good gameplay mechanic. You can't decide where you're going. You'll go where we send you.

And the easy way to make the wheel land on the right number? Use the coins you collected to purchase the correctly numbered panels to replace the ones you don’t want.

Cheebs is looking to milk you of every cent he can. He started from the bottom, cleaning the floor with a toothbrush and helping a dysfunctional family reconnect. And now look at the monster he’s become. He wouldn’t even let you choose what level to play without paying his tax.

Nintendo has stated that if Cheebs doesn’t get his act together, this could be his last game. And though the thought of losing a loved one initially filled me with dread… I welcome it now.

This is not the Chibi-Robo I once knew. This is not the happy little robot I once loved. Now he’s just someone that I used to know.

Put the bullet in his head, Nintendo. End it. Can’t you see he’s suffering? Success has ruined him, he was a one-hit wonder. He doesn’t know where to go from here. Let him die. Let him leave with whatever shred of dignity he has left, before it’s all gone. It’s all downhill from here for him. He’s gonna shoot up some heroin and die in a pool of his own blood and vomit after slitting a prostitutes neck and fucking her corpse. End it before he crosses that line.

I’m begging you.

Nintendo Announces The NEW Cardboard Box

Nintendo surprised us all yesterday with its sudden announcement that “a new way to play” was going to be announced on that very night. And then on top of that, announcing something none of us would have ever seen coming. Everyone was all expecting the unveiling of Nintendo’s online program, or of some new Switch accessory that everyone wanted, or even like a game or something.

But what we got was a new iteration in a video game console we haven’t seen since before the NES.

That’s right. Nintendo is making Cardboard.

The original Cardboard Box first came out way back in 1890, when Nintendo’s original founder Yamauchi made the jump from selling playing cards and hookers to selling video games. The Cardboard Box was their very first console and predecessor to the NES, and had a stellar lineup of games including “Pretend The Box Is A Fort”, “Hide In The Box So Dad Can’t Find Us”, “Listen To Mom And Dad Argue From Inside The Box And Pretend You’re A Spy”, and “Crying Inside The Box”.

The timeless tetralogy of “Stick Mr. Muffins Inside The Box”, “Where’s Mr. Muffins”, “What Are Airholes And Where’s Mr. Muffins”, and “Sticking Mr. Muffins 2 Inside The Box, Now With Airholes” is one of the great classics of the late 1890’s and possibly the first instance of video games as art.

And now Nintendo is bringing all of that back in the NEW! Cardboard Box. With full backwards compatibility to play all of your original Cardboard Box games.

Advanced Box Action

The NEW! Cardboard Box features enhanced face-tracking, a new control nub that allows precise input for the camera controls, increased storage and battery life, and Amiibo support. And not just any Amiibo, but all of them. You’ll be able to fit as many Amiibos as you can carry into your box, and it’ll hold them all with a near unlimited amount of storage space. If things start getting a little tight, you might need to stomp it down a bit, but it’ll definitely hold at least one of all current Amiibo products.

And not just that, but it’s Switch compatible too. You can take your Switch with you into the box to play, and you can just play in there for hours. It’ll be like you’re playing a game, while you’re playing a game. Can you believe that? This is truly the future of gaming.

The NEW! Cardboard Box is currently dated for this year on 4/20, and will retail for $69.99. Nintendo is on a fucking roll now.

Netflix Has No Plans For Nintendo Switch App, But Will Be Porting Over Its DVD Rental Service This Spring

Nintendo Switch owners have had no shortage of games to play on their shiny new hybrid consoles. The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild and Super Mario Odyssey, two GOTY contenders, were a fantastic way to ring in a console’s first year on the market. Many high-profile first-party titles and third-party ports have also graced the system since then.

But many console owners have been wondering, where are the rest of the apps? The Switch didn’t even launch with something as simple as a web browser, and any additional apps have been slow to come to the system. Hulu was the first streaming app to hit, but that’s been about it, leaving many fans in the dark without so much as a hint as to when any of it may be coming.

One definitive announcement has finally come through, though. Probably the biggest of all the streaming apps, Netflix, will not have an app for the Switch. That’s not to say they’re not interested in the console, they see very much promise in it. In fact, they have nothing but good things to say about the console, and they want all of their best things on it going forward. Which is why they’re porting over their DVD rental service, which will be accessible from the Switch’s home menu.

A true classic

The entirety of Netflix’ library will not be available to rent from the console at launch, but a select number of shows will be offered, including the full The Andy Griffith Show anthology, the first season of House of Cards, the last episode of Seinfeld, all six seasons of Johnny Test, the Ice Age trilogy, Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, several infomercials for the Magic Bullet line of compact blenders sold by Homeland Housewares, and The Emoji Movie but in Spanish.

The rental app is currently slated for late Spring/early Summer. No future plans for a Netflix streaming service on Switch are currently in the works, although if the rental app is well-received, there are plans to port a similar program for VHS rentals.

The Switch, which does not play DVD’s, will only be able to rent shows. A separate DVD player will be required in order to watch them.

Kirby Star Allies For Switch Introduces Kirby’s Boldest Copy Abilities Yet

Nintendo’s surprise Direct Mini brought with it a lot of new games and some new glimpses at games already previously announced. Lots were ports. Some were surprises we didn’t see coming. But more promising of all had to be the new Kirby game. I don’t think there’s ever been a bad Kirby game, and this newest one looks to be one of the best ones yet.

With up to four player co-op and combinable copy abilities, it looks to be combining all of the best elements of past Kirby games into something even greater. Many new powers were demonstrated. A Spider power, for when Kirby swallows spiders. And an Artist ability, for when Kirby swallows a McDonald’s cashier.

Many even greater abilities weren’t fully shown in the Direct. Nintendo is leaving some of its best new powers a surprise for when the game comes out. But here now are all of the special powers they disclosed to us in an exclusive interview.

“We wanted Kirby to have a much more robust range of powers. Fire, Water, Ice, Wind, Stone, these are all very basic powers. But as we started to experiment with much more complex powers like the Spider that can ensnare opponent and the Artist that immediately drains Kirby’s health and slows his movement with the burden of crippling college debt, we saw an opportunity to give Kirby more powers with greater flexibility in design” said Kirby Star Allies’ lead director, whose name I couldn’t find on Wikipedia.

And King DeDeDe will pay for it

Joining the arsenal are powerful abilities like Wall Kirby, capable of generating walls of Star Blocks to halt his enemies’ movements and drive out unwanted ethnic minorities. Secure a safe and prosperous future for Popstar children with this hard-hitting ability.

Other abilities include Sodium Hypochlorite Kirby, capable of disinfecting and bleaching enemies with devastating pod attacks. When combined with the power of Wall Kirby, powerful White Supremacy attacks are possible, with any enemies you’ve bleached white falling under your command.

Some abilities, like Gout Kirby, may require a prescription for colchicine and changes in diet in order to reduce inflammation and pain.

Ouch

Gout powers can be combined with Wall powers to form my uncle Pete, whom will refuse to budge from both his seat and on his opinions on how many minorities should be allowed in this country. Enemies will quiver at your rock-hard resolve and kidney stones, and many will recommend maybe giving up smoking, unrelated to your chronic gout.

Homeless Asian Man Naked In A Cardboard Box Kirby, Born-Again Christian Kirby, Teen Pregnancy Kirby, Marathoning All 53 Episodes Of “Jakers! The Adventures of Piggley Winks” While Resting In A Pool Of Regurgitated Flaming Hot Cheetos And Sparkling Grape Juice Kirby, and Take Such A Huge Shit That It Causes Physical Fatigue Kirby were all also briefly touched upon by the people at HAL Laboratory, but no concept art was shown of them. Nintendo is eager to take risks now that everyone is all aboard the unstoppable Nintendo Switch hype train, and it’s very apparent in all of the bold new powers Kirby can wield.

Kirby Star Allies is currently dated for March 16th, 2018, and will launch exclusively for Nintendo Switch.

Eat My Ass, Retro Circlejerking Fuckwads

Yall got your heads so far up your asses, I don’t think you’d know a real game if it punched you in your gosh damned mouth.

I enjoy retro games. They’re good. NES, SNES, arcade shit even. Donkey Kong, Space Invaders, whatever the fuck. Pac-Man. I’m cool with that. I’ll stick a quarter in the slot, give it a whirl.

But if you’re seriously gonna pay 10 whole mother fucking dollars on some arcade-ass shit nowadays, that’s 40 whole quarters, yall need to rethink what you’re paying for.

Eyy, that's pretty good

Ultratron is an alright game, available on just about every major platform. PS4, Xbone, PC, Wii U, you name it. Pretty good shoot-em-up, nice arcade-style game. Very colorful, the action is intense. It’s definitely a bullet-hell at points. You get to shoot your way through a bunch of levels, which are all actually the same level because you’re stuck in the same arena for the entirety of the game. But you’ll get to fight a couple bosses, and it’s really great.

Ever play Robotron? It’s kinda like that. Literally. That’s probably why they called it Ultratron, so people would say “hey, I remember that arcade game, here’s ten dollars”. And then they would make 10 dollars.

Ultratron does some great things to pull the genre forward, and yet blatantly ignores how far the genre has come since then. It’s kinda like Blockbuster.

Very nice, good job

You stick around in the arena, fighting waves of enemies. Killing them gets you money for upgrades, extra health or stronger guns, things like that. You can buy turrets to set around, and even extra robots to fight alongside you that can also be upgraded. That’s pretty much the game’s claim to fame, it’s like an arcade game but not because you can do that in it.

Aside from that, it’s your usual arcade shit. Bosses are alright, there’s some little mini-game segment things. It’s ultra flashy, always a million things happening on screen at the same time. If you have epilepsy you’ll probably die if you play this or something. And you can collect fruit. Like Pac-Man.

And that’s pretty much it.

That's it.

Ultratron doesn’t do anything fantastic. Ultratron doesn’t do anything great, or anything to blow you away. In fact, it goes out of its way to not impress you at every turn. It’s fun as an arcade-style bullet-hell, but it does absolutely nothing to break the mold.

The mold is what Ultratron is playing up on. The whole point of Ultratron is that it’s Robotron but with a couple modern things like upgradeable weapons and more flashy special effects. And that’s fine, you know, they had a vision and they went out of their way to make it happen. It’s a modern Robotron.

But Robotron can go fuck itself, for 10 whole dollars. The fuck you mean? I’ve played more impressive games at Chuck E. Cheese. And everything there costs only one token. That’s 25 cents. I wouldn’t blow more than a dollar on this game. Yeah, there’s a lot of flashy lights and shit. But it’s literally a fucking arcade game.

Yall for real? 10 bucks for this?

Would you blow 40 fucking Chuck E. Cheese tokens to play a fucking 80’s ass arcade game? Because I wouldn’t. I’m not denying that it’s a decent experience, but it’s a decent, cheap experience. I spent maybe an hour on this shit and was done with it. Maybe less than an hour.

There’s a strong lack of content here. Anyone praising this as “fantastic” and “how you do twin-stick shooters” is full of shit. This is the bare minimum of what equates a “modern twin stick shooter”. It’s a modern arcade game. Big fucking deal. The biggest draw to the game is that you need to unfocus your eyes to play it because there’s always a clusterfuck of lights and shit going on. And that’s not even a good thing for some people.

If I had the choice between playing this game at Chuck E. Cheese and playing that stupid game where you gotta stop the light in the middle of the thing to get a million tickets? I’d play the stupid ticket game. And Chuck E. Cheese ain’t even got decent prizes anymore.

Chuck E. can take his thousand ticket lava lamp, plug it in, and sit on it. Cheap-ass Ratatouille mother fucker.

What’s Up My Hip, Young Dudes? Check Out These Totally Tubular Trailers, My Dude.

Ubisoft absolutely nailed E3 this year with impeccable, not tone-deaf at all fashion. Ubisoft is the coolest, guys. Did you see their whole Just Dance thing? That was beautiful. But what they got just perfect was their announcement of Watch_Dogs 2. That’s right. Everyone’s absolute favorite game, the GTA killer itself, is getting a second installment. Just check out this totally gnarly trailer.

Selfie sticks and horse masks, this game isn’t just the epitome of cool. It’s trailblazing. This is so hip and fresh, all the young kids will be following in its footsteps for generations. This isn’t just right now cool, this is forever cool. HASHTAG ANONYMOUS HASHTAG EPICLULZ.

Ubisoft had a nice, long gameplay trailer to go along with the official announcement. They even got Stephen Hawking to narrate it, which was pretty impressive.

Everything looks pretty good so far. Ubisoft has clearly scaled back their expectations of the series, seeing as how the first Watch_Dogs promised graphics beyond what was actually possible at the time. This actually looks viable. Which probably means Watch_Dogs 2 will launch looking like an early N64 game.

I cannot wait for it to come out, though. I’m so stoked to play this radical game here. Ubisoft has somehow managed to make a game even more stylish and hip than the first Watch_Dogs. Some people didn’t like the first Watch_Dogs, but any haters can eat my shorts.

Watch_Dogs 2 will definitely break the internet, HASHTAG GONEVIRAL HASHTAG BREAKTHEINTERNET HASHTAG WATCH_DOGS2 HASHTAG EATMYSHORTS.