Cars 3 Confirmed For Switch, Thank God

Nintendo has had a rocky launch, but all of their woes are over. Disney has officially announced Cars 3 is coming to the Nintendo Switch.

KA-CHOW!

I’m so excited, this looks so cool. You get to play as Lightning McQueen. Lightning fucking McQueen.

I am so fucking pumped. I love Cars so much.

Lightning McQueen is my favorite one, Mater is fucking gay.

I was a little worried about the first look at the Cars 3 movie, because I thought Lightning McQueen died in it? That was really stressful, it bothered me for weeks. I still have some self-harm scars. If they dared to try and kill off my hero, I swear. I would boycott Disney forever.

The official Cars 3 game will hit just about every major platform, last gen and current. And also the Wii U, because that’s still a thing.

I hope they do that Sonic crossover DLC l wanted. I wrote out the whole idea for them and mailed it to them. I don’t even care if they don’t credit me, I just want to see my fanfiction come to life. Hedgehog on human is so 2006. Hedgehog on car though.

I just really wanna be able to show off my carsona without being ridiculed. He’s so cool. He can drive 100 laps in less than one second, because he moves at the speed of light, and can shoot katanas out of his headlights.

The trailer looks like it might have the katana-shooting, so it might hint at the Sonic DLC to come. But we can only hope.

Shmitty Washte Of My Time

Photoshop is a wonderful tool. Sure, with enough training and experience you can make ugly people look attractive and make all of the shame disappear with a few brush strokes. It’s a powerful thing. But any random kid using it can make something way cooler, like this.

A R T

You’re God damn right I made that myself. That’s some fucking skill there, man. That’s all me.

Photoshop is full of fun little tools that can make it look like you know what you’re doing when you really don’t. That’s why you need to pay for it or, you know, just find a free copy somewhere. Just lying around. I found it. So it’s mine.

And it looks like someone else found it too, because they made something pretty dank.

This is it. This is the whole game.

It’s a game! One whole game.

Nice job with the gradient tool, guy. You made some nice circles. Nice going. You did it.

This is… uh… well. It’s a game, yeah, but… the title is… well, uh… The title is a little embarrassing to say.

How do I put this lightly? Ha, that’s kind of a pun. Light. Heh. Because the game’s name is Shmadow.

This is a real thing someone is charging money for.

Shmadow. Fucking Shmadow.

Shmadow? Really? REALLY now? That’s what you’re going with? Shmadow? Of all fucking titles you’re gonna name it like you’re naming your Sonic original character? Is this named after your fursona, Shmadow the Shmedgehog? This is by far the stupidest title I’ve ever seen. If you named the game “Black Ball Assault” we would’ve gotten the same idea. The idea that you made a shitty game and dared to charge real money for it. I bought this game purely because of the name, and well, let me tell you. I was not disappointed in the least, it was exactly what I thought it was.

Well, what is Shmadow exactly? Besides the stupidest sounding word I’ve heard since “twug”, which is apparently short for “Twitter Hug” according to the nice white people on a morning talk show that were trying to tell me about the hippest new young people slang, Shmadow is a little PSchee game on Shteam. Shmadow, according to the developer, is a portmanteau of “shoot-em-up” and “shadow”. Because that’s what this game is, summed up in a word. Kind of. I, personally, would’ve named it Shmashteroids. Because it’s a shitty version of Asteroid.

It’s got the basic building blocks of a shoot-em-up. You move around the screen, aiming your nonstop barrage of white particles around with the mouse to hit all the black things coming at you. Like an interracial porno. The little white circle is you, the good guy. The little black circles are the bad guys, because they’re black. You need to stop them from mugging you, or banging your wife. Or voting. You can acquire power-ups and charge up special attacks to help you take down the bosses that’ll randomly appear. They’ll be made of a fancier gradient, and shoot bigger balls at you. Very fun sounding, I’m sure. Maybe not so bad for a dollar or two.

Look, there's even a boss. It's like a real game. Give us the money now please.

But Shmadow plays like a fancy version of Asteroids. Only instead of jagged triangle shapes they’re just big black balls. There’s no structure, bosses just kinda drop on you randomly and in no particular order. Things are just kinda flying at you from all directions, and your only real purpose is to get points. It’s like someone’s final project for their Flash class, but they waited until the last minute on the character design and just said “Fuck it, we’re doing circles”. “Inspired by light and shadow”, yeah right. “Limbo-inspired graphical style”. Sure, buddy. And Shmadow the Smegma is actually a knockoff of Shmonic the Smegma. Totally not original at all. You got it, buddy. Whatever you want us to believe.

It’s shmallow and dull. There’s not even an interesting hook to the game, unless you think a black background with a white circle as the main character is a totally killer art style. You could easily google “Asteroids” and find a free version of it to play online, which would probably entertain you about as long as this does. I’ve played better on Flash game websites. I’m not even knocking it for being arcadey, I’ve played some really fun arcade-style games. It’s just not fun to play, it’s not shmatisfying at all. If I waved around a flashlight in a dark room for a few minutes I would’ve had about as much fun as I did playing this game. You can find better shoot-em-up games on Steam for around the same price, that are actually worth the dollar or so. I bought this on a Steam sale and still feel ripped off. If you’ve seen the screenshots, you’ve essentially seen the whole game. There’s nothing else to it.

What I find most offensive and off-putting about this game is that the name probably came first, and then the game. I can totally see someone sitting at their desk, thinking of the name “Shmadow” and saying “Oh my God, thish ish the funniesht name I’ve ever come up with, I better make a game about it right now”. Was Shmadow really the best you could come up with? Really? I shudder to think of what names didn’t make the cut. Were there worse names? Is it possible to have a worse name than Shmadow?

There’s a lot of better things you could do with a dollar and some change. Like use the dollar as a little scoop to scoop the coins into your mouth. At least then you’re getting your daily required copper and zinc. Important nutrients for a growing body.

And maybe if you’re lucky one will get caught in your windpipe and you’ll get the rush of choking to death.

Krillen Will Fuck Your Bitch And She Will Call Him Daddy

The Dragon Ball series has been one of the most widely popular and iconic Chinese cartoons ever since its inception, from the original Dragon Ball where they just kinda pulled shit out of their ass every week to Z and beyond, where the entirety of the show revolves around a single fight or two that takes over a hundred episodes to build up to.

It makes sense, then, that the series should translate so well to video games. What better way to dick around and waste time then with a show that does exactly that, but with explosions and shit? There have been many iterations, many different video game spin-offs. But none with as much hype and promise as Dragon Ball FighterZ.

Finally, Krillin's time to shine

The newest Dragon Ball fighting game for PS4, Xbox One, and PC. A three-on-three, 2D fighter with beautiful animation and balanced fighting mechanics; something the Dragon Ball series has deserved all along. Which, you’d think the latter would be common sense for a fighting game. Haha, yeah. It’s a bit reminiscent of the Marvel Vs. Capcom games, which is definitely a good thing.

A lot of Dragon Ball ideas and concepts translate very well to video games, as Dragon Ball FighterZ so eloquently displays. But so, so many of them also really don’t. Many Dragon Ball staples are notably absent, from beam struggles to absurdly overpowered characters. Things that Dragon Ball’s autistic, entitled weeaboo fanbase may find absolutely necessary for a good Dragon Ball game. So keep in mind, this may inadvertently be the worst game you’ve ever played, despite my opinions on it.

It makes perfect sense that they would make it possible for SSSGSGBTQQIP2SAA Virginia to go toe to toe with Krillin purely to make the game somewhat enjoyable. Yeah, having Krillin whip his dick out to decimate every fighter in the game would be a lot more canon. But canon doesn’t mean fun. Canon doesn’t make a good game. If that’s what you wanted, Krillin’s Balls Fighters Z might be a better title for the game.

You are already dead

All of the Mario Party-level bullshit, like mashing buttons to make your laser beam stronger than the other guy’s laser beam so that your laser beam pushes his back and explodes in his face, all of it is gone. It’s just a fighting game. Is something lost by sticking to what is traditionally accepted as competitively viable? Yeah, kinda. It’s no longer a licensed anime game, it’s a real fighting game that the “eSports” people will care about. That’s what all of the hype was about. Why everyone was so excited for it, why people are celebrating it as the greatest Dragon Ball game ever.

Dragon Ball FighterZ is Pikachu putting on a suit and tie, going Super Sonic, and saying “you know what, we’re not just Narutos anymore. We’re gonna show them what we can do”. This is a formal Dragon Ball video game, appealing to a greater audience than just spastic man-children that want to play the cartoon on a literal level.

The team behind Fighter Balls Z has done nothing but show a profound respect for the property, characters, and our collective nostalgias. Everything from secret Easter eggs and cutscenes that are references to important moments from the show, to humiliating and degrading Yamcha like the worthless cuckold he is. They’ve even gone a step further, and satisfied every eager fan out there that thought to themselves “You know what, I really want Majin Buu to vore me. But I also want him to have tits. How am I, a virgin weeb, supposed to jerk off like this?” with their new original character.

Vore me mommy

And much like Dragon Ball Z, not only does Fighter Balls Z exceeds expectations in terms of raw design, aesthetic, and how fucking worthless Yamcha is; FighterZ Balls is something of a train-wreck in terms of plot and execution at times. The very ambitious Story mode introduces a new waifu for all the vore fans out there, and that is about where its accolades end.

It’s an odd, turn-based RPG hybrid of sorts. You move around a map, picking fights with evil versions of everyone’s favorite characters. You level up for beating them up, and you move on to the next chapter by killing the boss of that map. What it ends up being, however, is a slog of repetitive fights. The AI tends to flit between “almost as retarded as Yamcha, almost” to “SGBLTSAS God SSJJBA SGA Krillin”, all thanks to the convenient RPG elements. Like the Dark Souls of Candy Land.

Even if you’re at the top of your game, a character with triple the attack power and health as you is still a bitch to fight. Especially when they automatically recover their health on top of it. The majority of matches I had in Story Mode were the enemy pinned to the wall while Krillin pounded their ass like a needy housewife. The other portion, a grossly non-canon massacre where some God Mode-ass lower life-form just wouldn’t stay dead unless I had properly slogged through the endless grind of smaller fights to make sure I could withstand their power level.

The Dark Souls of Monopoly

In short, they’ve perfectly captured the essence of the show. An endless slog of meaningless battles conveying a meaningless story that you’re forced to sit through in order to get to the one big, equally meaningless battle where you fall down but get back up and say something about your friends. And then you win. Everyone always comes back to life, and nothing of value is ever lost except your precious time.

So it’s a good thing they got the whole “fighting game” thing down. FighterZ has been meticulously sculpted to be both an easy, casual fighter and a serious, competitive fighter at the same time. A tricky thing to accomplish, and yet they’ve pulled it off easily with some simple Dragon Ball magic. All of the cool things you’d want to do, like shoot laser beams and do lots of very fast punches, are a single button-press or two away. And yet, for someone looking beyond simple button-mashing, quite a bit of depth lurks under the surface.

Simple checks and balances exist to counter most “cheap” moves. A homing dash attack counters someone spamming laser beams. The homing dash, while invulnerable to beam attacks, leaves one wide open to be smacked out of the air. And so forth. However, while lower level and pro level Fighter’s Ball Z both seem pretty solid, I can definitely see a point in the middle where tempers can be flared. The sheer flashiness of how easy the game makes some maneuvers look, coupled with the easy spam potential of a lot of attacks, can definitely come across as “cheap”. And considering the spastic weeaboo player base, I can see some controller-smashing keyboard shitstorms ensuing after they get shat on by a better player.

You hurt my friends, now I'm invincible

After all, weebs don’t like Dragon Ball because of Yamcha. It’s about living the Goku power fantasy, being the invincible god that no one can touch because of their friendship, disregarding women and beating up all the bullies. That’s the reason people love Dragon Ball. That, and black kids finding the plot so relatable. Goku steps out for a pack of cigarettes for a hundred episodes, maybe he’ll get back before everything goes to shit. Next time on Dragon Ball Z.

Regardless of how good of a Dragon Ball game FighterZ is, it’s a good fighting game. It’s a game first, and licensed anime fanservice tat second. Not to say other Dragon Ball games aren’t good. But really, the public’s reception of FighterZ should be telling enough. The fact that people are talking about it, considering it a real fighting game and developing a real competitive scene around it; it’s a Dragon Ball game geared towards everyone. Not just niche anime game fans. It’s almost like it’s a real game or something.

Perhaps too real for a Dragon Ball game, considering the servers have been literally broken since launch. Almost like they didn’t expect it to be as well-received as it has been. Hopefully they sort their online issues out soon, but otherwise the game is phenomenally well-made.

Will Bandai Namco fix their shitty online infrastructure and lobby system? Will they whore out their fighting game with an absurd amount of DLC? When will the Complete Edition come out, so people can just buy that instead of paying twice the price for a stupid fighting game?

Will they add Mr. Popo as a fighter? Will Bulma call him the n word again? Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z.

Sony Reveals Dark Souls VR Mode Where You Just Fucking Die For Real

Back in January, Nintendo announced during their Direct Mini that Dark Souls was being remastered for the Switch. The internet was in an uproar, both from fans that were so eager to buy another port for their Switch to critics, pointing out yet another game being ported to the Switch.

Dark Souls is, in my opinion, one of the best games of the last generation. Sure, the critics have a point. It’s a game from 2011, people really shouldn’t be too hyped to pay the suggested retail price of $39.99 for it again when they can get it off Steam during a sale or from a GameStop discount bin for less than half that cost.

But some of those critics might want to think twice about their initial judgement. While it was Nintendo’s announcement, FromSoftware confirmed that Dark Souls: Remastered wasn’t a Switch exclusive. Rather, it was going to be hitting every major platform. You’ll be able to play it on your Xbox One and PS4, not just your Switch.

The Switch version’s portability factor may not even be the best exclusive feature anymore. If Dark Souls on the go sounded good, just wait until you hear about Playstation’s exclusive mode.

Sony has been pushing their VR headset pretty hard lately, and while it’s been mostly an overpriced Chuck E. Cheese machine from the comfort of your own home, major titles like Skyrim and Doom have slowly made their way to the platform. Some games, like Resident Evil VII, have been adding VR modes to an otherwise standalone PS4 title. Dark Souls: Remastered is taking it to a whole new level though.

Prepare to fucking kill yourself

Bandai Namco will be releasing a deluxe “Prepare To Die” Edition of Dark Souls: Remastered for PS4, complete with a custom helmet replica VR headset. While playing in VR, any damage sustained will be felt in real life through powerful electrical currents. While the standard PSVR headset is still compatible, the Dark Souls VR headset also includes “HD VR” for added immersion.

“HD VR” functions include emitting the scent of decaying flesh when around the undead, various “HD Rumble Emitters” such as a blunt metal cylinder and sharp metal bits that will strike the player’s head while playing, a lighter that will ignite the player’s hair and flesh should they catch on fire, and over 1000 spiders that can be released on the player’s head at any time.

Should the player die in game, while using the “HD VR” Dark Souls headset, they will meet an appropriately fitting end by whatever killed them. Impalement, blunt trauma, and being burned alive are all possible fates. If using the standard PSVR headset, a sharp electrical shock will instantly and painlessly kill the player.

Several allergy warnings and disclaimers are listed on the FromSoftware website. The decaying scent is apparently fueled by a real decaying rat built into the headset itself. FromSoftware is also not liable for players being bad at the game, for as it’s stated on their website, Dark Souls is not meant to be a hard game in the first place.

Dark Souls: Remastered will launch May 25th for $39.99. The “Prepare to Die” Edition will retail for $349.99, and will be exclusive to GameStop and the Bandai Namco website.

Logan Paul Dropped By Nintendo After Latest Viral Stunt

Infamous Youtube star Logan Paul has found himself in controversy after controversy, with no end in sight to his shenanigans. The internet has collectively grown tired of his antics, and yet his latest one may have done them all a favor.

After the Youtube “comedian” uploaded a video where he tasered a couple of dead rats, judgement was swift and unanimous, condemning the Youtuber and ultimately getting his ads revoked.

Don't tase me bro

Anyone that’s been anywhere on the internet has most likely heard this song and dance before, with Youtube slapping their favorite lapdog on the wrist and calling it a day. But this time, whether he gets his ads back or not, this latest controversy has cost him a valuable partnership and saved us all quite a headache.

While the information was still under wraps by Hollywood execs, Logan Paul had actually been cast in the upcoming live action Nintendo film, Detective Pikachu. Nintendo has been sparing nothing in getting together big names for their latest cinematic outing, casting Ryan Reynolds himself as the gruff Detective Pikachu.

Logan Paul, an upcoming “star”, was to be cast as an antagonist in the film as seen below, before Nintendo seemed to catch wind of the rather unfavorable image he may bring to the film. Ironic, that he should lose his role in a Pikachu flick after electrocuting a few mice.

It's everyday bro

The movie, which is currently set to release in 2019, is a darker take on the Pokemon world seen from the eyes of the eponymous hard-boiled detective played by Ryan Reynolds. Solving murders, stopping criminals, and foiling acts of grand theft; a rather bold step in the PG-13 direction for the Pokemon IP and Nintendo.

There is no word yet on if Nintendo has chosen a replacement actor yet, but rumor has it a shortlist has been circulating that includes Gregory Daniel Jackson, Steven Jay Williams, and Felix Arvid Ulf Kjellberg as possible candidates for the role.

Many online petitions have been calling for Danny DeVito to be cast in the film, but Nintendo’s insistence on younger celebrities and actors to appeal to a hipper demographic may have all but ruled him out. Only time will tell.

On Heels of Miitomo’s End of Service Announcement, Nintendo Announces Successor “MiiTwomo”

When Nintendo first entered the mobile game market with their first title, “Miitomo”, there was quite a bit of confusion over what in the ever-loving fuck they were thinking. It was like, a meme template maker app? With like, weird social features? And you could dress up your Mii. Overall, very underwhelming, no one really loved it.

I thought it was pretty okay, as I stated in my incredibly informative and thought-provoking review. It definitely held some promise, promise that Nintendo unfortunately never capitalized on. Though, with how fast the mobile market moves, even if they did fix it, that was no guarantee it would take off.

Nintendo seemed to know that too. And that’s why they decided to kill it off for something new.

Nintendo has announced that Miitomo’s service will be ending May 9th, 2018. It had a pretty good run, and got frequent updates and support, but it just couldn’t pull off a miracle. It was tainted by a bad launch. Like a bad lemon; no matter if you put it in the lemonade or take it out, it’s already been soiled by the bad seeds.

That’s why they’re starting off from scratch. It’s easier to start over and make something nice than to try and patch up a sinking ship. “MiiTwomo”, Miitomo’s successor, has been officially announced, and will be launching shortly after Miitomo is officially dead and buried. More robust social interactions, like direct messaging and the much-requested Stories feature will all be available at launch; newer customization options like furniture, wallpaper, carpets, and more will make MiiTwomo’s apartments more like a miniature Animal Crossing on your phone than a simple social media app.

More ways to play, more fun

MiiTwomo marks Nintendo’s very first direct sequel on mobile devices, and seems to show a concrete faith in their product despite its shortcomings.

Nintendo seems to be putting all their faith in the new “Miingle” feature, which aims to match up potential Mii couples based on the questions they answer. Should you and that cute girl you politely asked for their email address in order to invite them to friend you on MiiTwomo both answer “hush puppies” as your favorite kind of bread, MiiTwomo will do the hard part of breaking the ice for you, by having your Miis begin casually hooking up. Whether you’re currently in-app or not. Yoshio Sakamoto, director of the original Miitomo, will be heading up its sequel and assured us they’re sure Miingle will be a hit in his official statement to us.

Sakamoto: “The original idea behind Miitomo was to help bring people together. Sometimes you need that icebreaker, and you’re not sure how to introduce yourself. Having the Miis do it for you took was like having your own little wingman. For MiiTwomo, we wanted to expand on that by allowing the Miis to help break the ice in romantic relationships as well. There is a cute intern at the office, she is new. Whenever she leaves for the day, I smell the seat of her chair. She sits there for hours doing her work, so you can still smell her after she’s gotten up. It is hard for me as her superior to introduce myself in a casual manner, but I always see her drinking bottled water. If only my Mii could tell her, hey, I drink water too, you know?” (laughs)

Romance at last

Not to worry for parents, though. No actual piinis or vagiina will be shown. Much like something out of The Sims, when Miis hook up, they will simply lock themselves in the bedroom and make various high-pitched screeches or garbled static sounds. The most suggestive things will ever get are the different lingerie or BDSM-styled outfits that’ll be available to win in the new MiiTwomo Drop machines, and occasional raunchy dialogue from the Miis. Stuff like “Wow, Hitler has some really bomb-ass diick, did you know he likes hush puppies too?”, or “Damn, Meg Griffin dummy thick. I’d smash that. Did you know she drinks water? I love drinking water!”

Miingle is an opt-in service on MiiTwomo, so as long as you don’t set your Mii as “Single”, they won’t go sleeping around with whoever likes hush puppies. It can still be played as Miitomo was, as a simple socializing game. But with so much work being put into Miingle, all the exclusive dialogue and items that can only be obtained through casual Mii sex, it might be better off just to set yourself as single anyway. It doesn’t count as cheating if it’s only your Mii, right?

MiiTwomo will launch on May 10th, the day after Miitomo goes offline. Save data can’t be transferred over, so if you have any outfits you liked, you’ll need to start over on the new app. But if you had a Miitomo account, you will unlock exclusive Miitomo-themed outfits at launch. An open beta will launch on Valentine’s Day to help Nintendo fans get a date, and carrying over your data from the beta will unlock the exclusive Mushroom Ball-Gag and Sheikah Whip, for the Mii Friiks out there.

Nintendo has hinted that the game will connect with a Switch version of Tomodachi Life, but nothing official has been confirmed yet.

Degenerate Shitposters? In YOUR Friends List? It’s More Likely Than You Think

Nintendo has avoided the mobile market for a long time. And it makes sense. Their IP’s are valuable, and a reason to buy their consoles. It’s common sense. Mr Krabs defends the Krabby Patty Secret Formula for a reason. It’s not about how much it would sell at the Chum Bucket, it’s about protecting your brand and your product.

Nintendo wants people playing Nintendo games on Nintendo consoles. They’ve always seen phones as a rival platform, and would hate for their platforms to become obsolete. But finally, Nintendo, always slow to adopt the cutting edge in favor of inexpensive but whimsical technology, have discovered the truth about the mobile market. It’s totally not a threat to the game industry, probably.

It’s not about playing games on your phone at all. It’s about getting on people’s phones, and in their head. I’m talking about what businesses love to call “viral marketing”. Memes. Every company wants some meme marketing these days. Umad, bro? Y U NO EAT THE SNICKERS. Haha, get it? Snickers is a meme. It’s what the kids say. Now give us your fucking money. Do what Orange Hair Homer Simpson says.

Nintendo knows a thing or two about what the kids like these days. They have quite the ear for memes. So when they finally decided it was time to enter the mobile market, it wasn’t with a bang. It was with a text-to-speech voice.

may mays

This is Miitomo. Welcome to the most degenerate, stupid, pointless, and entertaining app you’ll ever download.

Miitomo is, first and foremost, noticeably Nintendo. It has the Nintendo charm, and really does feel like a Nintendo experience on your phone. Available on iOS and Android; Miitomo is more of a social app than a game, and yet it feels more like a game than other social apps. It’s a very Nintendo concept, to turn some very dull and mundane thing into a game based around what you can’t do as opposed to what you can.

If you played the excellently stupid Tomodachi Life on 3DS, Miitomo will feel very familiar. It’s essentially Tomodachi Life Online.

There’s really not that much substance to Miitomo. You’ll make your Mii character, and they’ll have a nice little house for you to watch them wander around in. You can connect with friends, through Facebook or other means, and their Miis will wander into your house and your Mii to theirs. Like a Seinfeld Tamagotchi of sorts, though it’s significantly minimal. Your only real interactions with the Miis are talking to them and dressing yours up.

Chillin at my crib

The meat of the game comes in the form of socializing. Your Mii will ask you a variety of questions to better get to know you. What did you eat for dinner last night? What’s your favorite movie? What traits do you look for in a boyfriend or girlfriend? You’ll answer however you like, and then your Mii will wander off to a different Mii’s house to whisper all your deepest and darkest secrets to them. Then your friend’s know you spend your nights jacking off to tentacle hentai and shat your pants once during a school play so your nickname growing up was Sir William Shitsmear.

You can like and comment on your friends’ answers, like any other social media site. But the genius of Miitomo lies in the fact that your Mii is basically your wingman. You don’t need any icebreakers or anything to strike up a conversation with your friend. I’ve noticed that the people using it the most on my friend list are people that are usually pretty shy or suffer from some hardcore social anxiety. But with the help of a little Mii socializing, suddenly we have a lot more in common.

S O C I A L I Z I N G

nice

it's true tho

It’s a bit more than simply being online giving you a bit more courage. All of the hard work of talking to people is basically passed through a middleman that eases the process for you.

As you make friends and socialize with different Miis, certain Miis will start to ask you more personalized questions. They stay only between you and the other Mii, so they’re private basically. But they offer a chance to really hit it off and connect with someone in a meaningful way.

Meaningful friendship

And, if ever it so happens that words fail you, Miitomo has your back. If you can’t reply with text, reply with a meme.

mems are my life

Miifotos are simple little diorama scenes you can make with your Mii, your friends, and a little toy box full of stickers and backgrounds. But the real fun comes in using any picture from your phone’s gallery as a background. You can get really creative. To a surprising degree, actually.

The most notable thing to me was just how open Miitomo is for a Nintendo game. Aside from forcing you to add friends either in-person or through a site like Facebook or Twitter, Nintendo has really taken off the training wheels. You can say fuck in all its glory. It’s actually kind of jarring to hear your happy little Mii character tell someone to “fuck off and kill yourself you stupid Jew cuck”. Jarring, but absolutely hilarious.

It’s a bit of an empty game, with not much to really do besides socializing, dressing up your Mii, and making Miifotos. If you can’t entertain yourself on socializing alone, it won’t hold your attention very long. And if you have no friends, things really aren’t going to work out for you with this game. But it is free, and free is a good price.

Nintendo’s monetization is through the in-game coins used to buy outfits. You’ll get a certain amount everyday for talking to your Mii and answering questions. But outfits are pretty pricey. It takes a few days to save up a decent enough amount to buy one whole outfit. Individual tops, bottoms, hats, shoes, and more can range in price, but all the best outfits are of course going to be expensive. And that’s why you can pay real-world money for it.

Sexy

If you want a hotdog suit or a sexy maid uniform for some hot and dirty Miitomo sexting, you’ll need to save up for a while. But everything is obtainable in-game, so like any other free app/game you get on your phone you’re either gonna be sinking in lots of time or money to get what you want. It’s only cosmetic stuff, so it’s not stuff you need. But if you’re out to make the dankest Memetomo Memefotos, you’ll need a suit for every occasion.

I feel like Nintendo made a good move for their first app. There’s a lot of room to grow, sure. And they really need to if they hope to hold our attention for a long time to come, because I got bored of it super quick. But it’s something different from what we’re used to from them, and it shows they’re willing to embrace change.

Miitomo is built to let people use it as they please, whether they want to have genuine discussions with people or just want to be degenerate shitposters. How Nintendo embraces it from here is all up to them, but they definitely have the foundation for a quality social game. I can say with certainty that I’ll find lots of ways to have fun with this game in the future, and I look forward to how Nintendo updates and improves what they have here.

I’m looking forward to seeing how far things will come.

Cume

Mario Party 11 To Have Nintendo Labo Support, Coming Holiday 2018

When Nintendo announced their new Labo products for the Switch, there were mixed reactions from all around the industry. Core gamers that didn’t understand the appeal. Fanboys, eager to buy cardboard with the Nintendo logo on it. Children, that liked the idea of being a cardboard robot. And of course investors, that loved the idea of selling cardboard for the same price as expensive electronics toys.

But Nintendo has more up its sleeve for their new Labo line of products. Being a giant robot and playing the piano aren’t the only things you can expect. No, there are plenty of games for all audiences that will love the appeal of Labo. The latest announced, Mario Party 11.

More fun than a box full of Toads, which is actually just one Toad according to standard box sizes.

If you thought Mario Party 9 and 10 would’ve been way more fun with a large, cardboard car to get in while you play, you’re not alone. Fans have been rather upset with the new Mario Party formula for some time now, but Nintendo has finally figured out a way to satisfy everyone. Every copy of Mario Party 11 will come with a Labo Party Box, which can be customized and decorated to the player’s liking.

As players make their way around the board together, in a large car as Mario Party fans absolutely adore, the Labo Party Box will vibrate and make sounds with the Joycons, providing the most immersive Mario Party experience ever. A minimum of four controllers will be required, two for the box and one for each of the players. But Nintendo already has a solution for anyone looking to have a big cardboard party.

The Mario Party 11 Party Box Bundle will retail for $79.99, and the Mario Party 11 Ultimate Party Bonanza Box, which will include two boxes, a copy of the game, and three sets of Joy-con controllers will retail for $299.99. A cheap price to pay for the ultimate cardboard party game.

What a bargain

Mario Party 11 will feature over 200+ unique mini-games, 10 different boards, and 20 different customizable cars to drive around those boards with. Everyone loves the cars. Mario Party 11 will also be the first Mario Party game to feature Sonic the Hedgehog characters. Namely, Tails, Eggman, and that one crocodile guy. I think his name was Steve or something? The one that’s obviously meant to be black, but is an anthropomorphic crocodile. Sonic himself will not be in the game.

No trailers have been shown yet, but Nintendo has promised us that we will be getting the big reveal at E3 this year. Mario Party 11 has a tentative date of Holiday 2018.

This Is What Happens To The Weird Kids That Don’t Shoot Up Their Schools

Sometimes, the best places to find inspiration come from real life. Maybe not your boring, unfulfilling, effortless life. Flitting from distraction to distraction, leisurely jogging in the hamster wheel of privileged mediocrity you call life until it’s time for you to step off and die.

But people like us, the people with lives woven like great tapestries by fate, our souls twisted and tempered in the fires of true pain and suffering, those who others call “weird”, we know what life is really about. We, who are weird on the inside. We see things through the distorted lens of a cruel reality, a world sculpted by unsaid and unseen truths. Human nature without the magic of friendship and daddy’s firm yet gentle touch.

The world is not a nice place, and coming to terms with that can fill you with all sorts of unpleasant feelings. But the important thing to remember is that it’s okay. Because no matter how rough you’ve had it, you can slap that childhood trauma onto a video game or something and sell that shit to build your own stairway to the heaven we call “the hamster wheel of privileged mediocrity”.

Hello, repressed memories

The Binding of Isaac is kind of like that. It was originally a PC cult classic that went on to later be added onto, remade, and remastered several times, before being ported to most modern consoles with the most recent being The Binding of Isaac: Afterbirth Plus. And while there are disagreements on which version is the superior and whether or not certain DLC’s are worth it more than others, the consensus still stands. This kid is fucked, and you all just love crowding around and tossing peanuts into his shit-smeared basement for laughs.

You see, this is the ultimate destiny of the weird kids out there. They may laugh at you now, kid with the mom that didn’t want a child and takes every chance she can to emasculate you and demean you that she can. But in a few years, that inner turmoil will rocket you to success. And then everyone in the world will be laughing at you. But they’ll be paying you. $4.99 for the base game. $14.99 for the remake. And don’t even get me started on all the expansions. You’re looking at about forty bucks of emotional trauma here, bud.

Binding of Isaac is a top-down dungeon-crawler, in the style of the old 2D Legend of Zelda games. But instead of a sword, you shoot tears from your eyes to kill fetuses and globs of human fecal matter. Yeah, the guy that made this could probably use some counseling or something. But who needs therapy when you can monetize the deepest essence of your tormented soul? Thank you, capitalism.

I too cry myself to sleep in the shower

Made from the same fucked-up people that brought you Super Meat Boy, Binding of Isaac brings all of that bloody, fetus aborting fun and brutal difficulty they’re known for. But now with some hilariously sacrilegious undertones. All in good fun though so it’s okay, don’t worry. You can’t go to Hell if it’s tasteful and you bring a couple cold ones to crack open with God and The Boys.

The game is an arcadey, roguelike experience, with dungeons that are never quite the same no matter how often you run through them. Different nightmares will haunt you, different strange pills or Satanic effigies will appear to avail yourself of. Even playthroughs of the same dungeon will play out differently, as the many branching paths will have you coming across different enemies and items at different times.

With each playthrough, the game expands on top of what it already provides. New items and bosses will unlock, deeper floors will become available. For someone looking for replayability, Isaac does nothing but deliver. The arcade vibe may deter some players that are looking for a more permanent investment in their character, but if roguelikes are your thing, Isaac is a perfect model of the genre. Balanced and refined to the point that every playthrough is a fast-paced flurry of bloody fetus tear lasers; each experience more climactic than the next, topped off with massive boss battles against demons and giant, literal piles of shit. Like, just one big shit, one coiling serpent of filth that’s gone unpinched. If that doesn’t sound like something up your alley, I’m sorry, but you might be better off golfing or filing your taxes like the productive member of society you are.

Poop worms

So in a sense, it’s almost a good thing that the creators have obviously lived a horrible, emotionally scarring life. Yeah, they probably suffered a whole lot. Maybe they’re still messed up from it, and the commercial success of their magnum opus still hasn’t quite filled the void. But like, this game is rad, you know?

That is the true meaning of life, you see? Everything happens for a reason, and the reason is that it’s just more interesting that way. Sure, you could be born into a perfect family that’s financially stable, and go through life without ever knowing pain or tragedy. But your mom’s miscarriage? That’s a fucking riot. That’s the kind of stuff that adds a little substance to your dull, dull lives.

And you might think to yourself, “well if the whole point of living is to suffer, why don’t I just fucking kill myself?” Let me tell you right now, that’s not the answer. Because if you don’t suffer, if you never become an artist or musician, and never put that inner turmoil to use, what will my children play?

This is nice

What movie will I take my college-educated, well-adjusted wife that I met through friends like a normal person to for our anniversary? What will we watch with the kids when we have family night? Who’s story will be on To Catch A Predator? Who’s corpse will they find on Dateline NBC?

You really shouldn’t be so selfish. Yeah, you need to suffer. But only to be interesting. For us. Come on. Everything will be okay, just cheer up. Stop being depressed. Just smile more. As long as you greet each day positively, you’ll be just fine.

You really don’t have it that bad anyway. Some kid in Africa was born without a body, so you really should just be more grateful.