Why Is Kanye Developing A Bromance With King Dedede?

Fans of the prominent rapper Kanye West were absolutely baffled over the past few weeks as he took to Twitter to voice his support of King Dedede, a controversial political figure in the world of Dreamland. King Dedede, self-proclaimed King of Dreamland, is known for stealing all of his nation’s food and other harebrained schemes in the past.

With Dreamland being rather split over their government, taking such a bold pro-Dedede stance for most is career suicide. But Kanye has never been one to shy away from controversy, and some are saying now that he’s taken a step too far. But why in the world would he endorse King Dedede of all people?

Kanye has even met with King Dedede multiple times at Castle Dedede.

Kanye standing with Dedede

But in retrospect, it really shouldn’t come a much of a surprise for a lot of people. Not just because Kanye seems to seek out controversy, but from his past political statements. Kanye has always been politically volatile, swerving from one side to another, never particularly taking allegiance with one party or another.

Back in 2005, in response to Kirby’s handling of Dark Meta Knight, Kanye West said Kirby “doesn’t care about black people”. While he later apologized for that, and expressed regret for having called him out, later in 2009 he got into a public spat with Meta Knight. Kanye criticized Dreamland’s law enforcement, and insisted that under Meta Knight’s rule the Waddle Dees had only speared more innocents, despite Meta Knight’s liberal lean.

Fast-forward to 2018, and Kanye’s sudden endorsement of Dedede shouldn’t come as much of a shock at all. What first began as endorsing various Dedede lackeys on Twitter, agreeing with Chilly’s stance on illegal immigrants and promoting Poppy Bros. Jr., later came to a boil when Kanye posted a picture of him wearing a Dedede hat.

CTTK!

“You don’t have to wanna clobber that there Kirby but the mob can’t make me not love him” Kanye said in a Twitter rant, posing with his signed Dedede hat and proudly wearing it out in public. King Dedede himself later responded, tweeting back at Kanye “Superstar Warrior!” with several flame and star emojis.

From there, Kanye attempted to justify and explain his love of King Dedede, but the internet didn’t seem to accept it, with many major celebrities unfollowing him on Twitter. Kanye insisted his new single “Fountain of Ye” would clear the air on his political views and stance on Trump, and while it released to mixed reviews, the lyrics are definitely taking a strong stand.

Though the entire track is full of powerful lyrics, including a full-on rap debate with acclaimed rapper Rick the Hamster, the lines “I don’t fuck with Kirby, he a bitch” and “I’ll clobber that little pink-haired robot girl from the 3DS game with my monster” seemed to make his political allegiances quite clear. And while some fans are skeptic about what the line “Why doesn’t Waddle Doo have eyebrows” really means, it seems unanimous that Kanye really put it all on the line with this one.

Kanye has mentioned wanting to rule Dreamland before, but with his sudden interest in politics, he may just actually mean it. Only time will tell if this is the beginning of the end for Kanye’s career, or the beginning of the end for Dreamland.

Sega’s Best Content Coming To Nintendo Switch With “Sega Ages”, Is Literally Just The Sonic Twitter Account

Sega may have been reeling after the lukewarm reception of critically panned Sonic Forces, but it seems they’ve gotten a handle on what their customers want again.

No one actually wants new 3D Sonic games, or any new Sonic games for that manner. Sonic fans just want to play Green Hill Zone, and shitpost to try and pretend like their community isn’t 99% comprised of furries and porn artists that would love nothing more than to see Sonic’s arms and legs amputated so Eggman could force-feed him his own diapers. Just to fatten him up, boil him alive, and eat him while wearing a dress. You know, typical Sonic stuff haha.

The nice people over at Sega and Sonic Team got the idea now though. They understand. No more shitty 3D Sonic games. They’re starting something new, something fresh. They’re gonna recapture some of that classic Sega magic, with the new “Sega Ages” series for Switch. There have been a few in the past, bringing retro games to newer platforms. But how many times can they possibly rerelease the original Sonic the Hedgehog? No, this is something more modern and recent.

Ahh, the classics

Sonic Tweets. Sega Ages, currently in development for the Switch, will be bringing all of the best Sonic the Hedgehog tweets people love so much to Nintendo’s newest console. Finally, gamers will be able to browse a remastered collection of the Sonic the Hedgehog Twitter account’s greatest tweets and replies. Now in full 1080p, and in a sharp new font.

Players will be able to look at and “Like” tweets on their Switch. However, these “Likes” will not count as real “Twitter Likes” and will ultimately do nothing. Even if the player has a real Twitter account and links it to their Switch. So players can “Like” away, without worrying about what may pop up in their real life Twitter feed.

Playable with or without Joy-Cons

To commemorate this new release, the Sonic the Hedgehog Twitter account has been given clearance to say “Fuck” by Sega. You heard that right. Sonic the Hedgehog’s Twitter account is now allowed to say “Fuck”, for a limited time only. Gamers that pre-order Sega Ages for Switch through Amazon will get framed printouts of Sonic the Hedgehog’s Twitter account saying “Fuck” as well, as a pre-order bonus.

Sega Ages is set to release some time in the Summer in two different variants; a complete bundle for a standard set retail price, and a “Free to Start” version one can download off the eShop. From there, players may view Tweets once for free, and any Tweets they particularly like can be purchased and downloaded for a discounted price from the full game.

This will surely be a profitable venture for Sega, as they’re bundling all of their most valuable and popular content into one convenient package.

Donkey Kong Is A Nazi And Must Be Held Accountable For His War Crimes

Nationalism, race, and immigration have become hot button issues in recent years. It’s not only an American problem, but an international one. America’s push for immigration reform to handle all the people entering illegally, Europe’s struggles with refugees and assimilation, the tensions in South Africa, and of course Israel’s occupation of Palestinian lands and ongoing genocide of its people. With the newfound freedom and anonymity of the internet, racist rhetoric has been on the rise. The United States, a land of diversity and living in harmony, is divided now more than ever. But one individual among all has been a greater source of hate, violence, and racism than any other. You all should know him well, he’s kind of a big deal. He wears a tie. That’s right, Donkey Kong.

Just look at his smug face

Donkey Kong is the patriarch and ruler of Donkey Kong island. He’s a violent ruler, most definitely guilty of war crimes of the gravest degree, and must be tried for the bloody violence he’s caused, the holocausts he’s personally started and carried out. Not only is he a threat to his homeland, forced to exist under his fascist rule, he’s a threat to any whom would dare to attempt so much as visiting his homeland, and of course our children. As I’ve covered before, children are incredibly receptive to violent ideas. Children in America already have Trump to look up to, the last thing they need is a warmongering Nazi Kong teaching them racial purity and Kong superiority.

Donkey Kong has been spreading his nationalistic, ethnocentric rhetoric for years. Ever since his first appearance in Donkey Kong Country, when the independent ethnostate of Donkey Kong Island was subjugated to an influx of “Kremling” immigrants. DK almost immediately set out to forcibly remove them all from his country.

Don't discriminate

His “reason”? The excuse he used to justify the mass apartheid of Kremlings from Donkey Kong Island? His bananas. One Kremling, allegedly, stole his banana horde. Which, of course, means that all Kremlings must be murdering, raping, banana thieves. A familiar tactic, using a race or ethnicity as a scapegoat in order to stir an ethnic group into a violent frenzy. We’ve seen it with Nazi Germany, we’ve seen it with Trump’s take on immigration, we’ve even seen it on a broader scale with western countries and Islam. As many as 35% of Muslims in Canada have experienced some form of Islamophobia, and that’s with a government that’s generally fairly accepting of Muslim individuals into the country. Imagine how bad it would be if Trudeau himself came bursting out of his tree hut and started rolling into Muslims in some genocidal rampage? Over bananas?

Please, point out to me in this video where the innocent Kremling in question makes a move towards DK or his bananas. Does it look like, at any point, this alleged “thug” makes a move towards Donkey Kong with intent to harm him or his property? No. As we can very clearly see, this crocodile is unarmed, minding his own business. He walks straight past Donkey Kong’s bananas, and doesn’t even shoot a glance towards the racist Kong. He didn’t even see it coming. How many young, unarmed crocs need to die before we seriously discuss Kong brutality?

Unarmed crocodile murdered by racist ape

Donkey Kong’s nationalistic crusade doesn’t even end there either. It doesn’t only extend to Kremlings.

The Kongs aren’t the only residents of Donkey Kong Island. A wide variety of groups and cultures call it their home. Rhinos, parrots, elephants, ostriches, you name it. But what are these, to Donkey Kong?

Look at this diversity

Tools. That’s what the diverse population of DK Island is to this fascist monster. These groups are subjugated and forced to serve Donkey Kong and his people. They are not given rights, they are not even given autonomy of their own bodies. Donkey Kong keeps them as slaves, stored in boxes, like they’re objects to be stored away when not in use. This isn’t just racism, this is barbaric. There’s a difference between implicit and explicit racism. Donald Trump perceiving other races as one thing or another could easily be justified as implicit. It was how he was raised, perhaps he just doesn’t know any better and truly thinks he is being fair. But there is no justifying Donkey Kong’s behavior. What is the difference between the Kongs and the other animals? They’re all equally animals. Are some more equal than others?

Does this look the slightest bit humane? Those boxes that they’re stored in don’t even have any sort of air holes. And we can only imagine how often they’re fed, considering that there’s no openings for even air to get in. The only way Donkey Kong can get them out is by smashing the box wide open. Not like there’s a hatch to open it or anything, that would be too convenient to the poor slaves.

This is inhumane

Donkey Kong has enslaved the other native peoples of his land and enforced apartheid on peaceful immigrants looking to settle and assimilate into Donkey Kong Island culture. Studies show immigrants often want to assimilate, and feel much more content when they do. And yet Donkey Kong refused to even give them that chance, driving them out with the use of the people he’s enslaved. But it gets even worse.

Donkey Kong Island does not even belong to Donkey Kong. There were people there before the Kong tribe settled. The aboriginal Tiki people were the original settlers, a tribal people that resided within the island’s volcano for what we can only assume is decades, possibly centuries before any of the Kongs were even born.

What about the natives?

And yet what does Donkey Kong do? Drive them out, murder them all, absolutely purge them from the island. Who does the island rightfully belong to? The people that populated it originally, the natives? Or the Kongs, simply because they claimed it as their island? Do we not owe the Native Americans for the land we’ve stolen from them? Don’t the native people of a country deserve the right to live as they please in the land they’ve always considered home? Do they not have the right to their land, to fight for what belongs to them?

Just look at the way they tremble in fear as he approaches to murder each and every one. Donkey Kong has done nothing but violent, hateful acts in his time in office on Donkey Kong Island. He’s driven out immigrants and refugees, enslaved his fellow countrymen, drove a native population to genocide, and continues to be a threat to all around him. He hasn’t just raised his fists against the Kremlings, but to literally every other race that’s ever come in contact with him.

None are safe

The Kremlings, the Tikis, the Snomads, the indigenous life of his own accursed island; where does it end? What’s to say humanity isn’t next? The United States of America, global superpower; what’s to say DK won’t set his sights on us?

America would be safer handing over all of their nuclear arms to North Korea than they would be allowing Donkey Kong to continue living without facing the swift judgement he so deserves for his crimes. This is no Gaddafi, no Hussein, no Bin Laden. This is a Hitler-level threat, and it’s about time America put some of that military power to some justifiable use for once. Enough drone strikes and carpet bombing of innocent civilians, we need Trump to bring his fire and fury to Donkey Kong Island already.

America spends half a trillion dollars on our military every year. If Trump wants to invest all of our hard-earned tax payer dollars on our military, the least he could do is use that army to keep us safe. It’s only a matter of time before Donkey Kong starts getting ambitious, maybe decides to start expanding his Aryan Kong race’s reach to the nations beyond. If we don’t stop the Kong Reich, there’s no guarantee it won’t eventually make its way to our shores.

Call your state’s representatives, call your governors and your senators. Call the president, call the head of the UN. Get out there and start demonstrating. Donald Trump may not be taking the threat to our safety and our children’s safety seriously. But if we all unite as one, we can defeat the Kong menace and all the evils he’s wrought. God bless America.

References

Adesnik, David. “A Sufficient Defense.” National Review, 68, no. 14, 15 Aug. 2016, pp. 30–33.

Angelini, Viola, et al. “Life Satisfaction of Immigrants: Does Cultural Assimilation Matter?” SSRN Electronic Journal, 2014, doi:10.2139/ssrn.2439643.

Banks, Antoine J., and Heather M. Hicks. “Fear and Implicit Racism: Whites’ Support for Voter ID Laws.” Political Psychology, vol. 37, no. 5, Jan. 2015, pp. 641–658., doi:10.1111/pops.12292.

King, Waffle. “Minecraft Causes School Shootings.” Lord Waffle King, Lord Waffle King, 2 Apr. 2018, lordwaffleking.com/news/minecraft-causes-school-shootings.

Wilkins-Laflamme, Sarah. “Islamophobia in Canada: Measuring the Realities of Negative Attitudes Toward Muslims and Religious Discrimination.” Canadian Review of Sociology/Revue Canadienne De Sociologie, vol. 55, no. 1, 2018, pp. 86–110., doi:10.1111/cars.12180.

Minecraft Causes School Shootings

Gun violence has become a pandemic in our fair nation. Especially among our youth. School shootings have been on the rise, and only become more common each and every year. Many have suggested solutions to the problem. Additional legislature or bans on military-style assault rifles have been the most common. Some argue that those looking to kill would simply find ways around it, or other means to kill. The arguments are always back and forth over the means of the killings, but never the source. The deep, underlying tension within our very people, the culture of violence and hate looming over our once great nation, pervading our children’s minds. Thousands of studies have been done, and they all bring back the same result. Young children being exposed to violent themes are more likely to be violent themselves.

Think of the children

Violence is in almost everything we see. The media we consume, the music we listen to, the movies and TV shows we watch, and most of all, the video games that our children are glued to, every minute of the day, pumping their violent ideas into our children’s impressionable minds. Video games are a booming industry. Children all over the nation are playing games. As someone who’s worked at GameStop, I see it with my own eyes. Parents come in, and buy their little shits whatever they want. But it never occurs to them what kind of filth they’re indoctrinating their children with. Games that elicit violence, hatred, or instability. According to the Surgeon General, young children playing games with realistic depictions of violence are considerably more likely to mimic the behavior. And over 89% of all games being made these days are incredibly violent. That’s not to say all video games contribute to our toxic culture of glorifying violence. Like any other form of media, video games can also be used to teach, promote physical and mental health, and inspire empathy.

Indoctrination

Take popular action game, Grand Theft Auto. Grand Theft Auto puts players in the shoes of a character that, more often than not, has some criminal inclinations. However, unlike the average macabre celebration of senseless violence that games are, Grand Theft Auto provides some important lessons to the growing child’s mind. Should little Timmy go shoot up a strip club, beat a pregnant woman to death, or run his car into a crowd of people, he’ll quickly find that his actions have consequences. The in-game police will be alerted of his actions, and he will be reprimanded. There is a clear cause and effect, a negative outcome from an action. Like when a mouse is electrocuted for taking a cheese. Should small children playing GTA torture a man for information, or film two unsuspecting, consenting adults mid-intercourse as a means to blackmail them, they will promptly be taught that such behavior is not tolerated. Would a child shoot up a school if they knew the police would come? They would certainly think twice, where children not playing the game would have no guarantees that they wouldn’t shoot up a school. After all, were they ever expressly taught that it was wrong? Grand Theft Auto is only the tip of the iceberg, too.

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There are other such positive influences on our kids, like Call of Duty, the popular military shooter. By putting our kids in the role of an American soldier, we teach them the valuable lesson of serving our country. Sure, they may shoot some people. Call of Duty may have them massacring civilians, or taking out their frustrations on a server full of other human players, spewing every vile slur known to man. But all of those murders are for a good cause. Our country. America kills people all the time. We call drone strikes on civilians, topple foreign governments, and even go so far as to be assisting Israel in committing genocide against the Palestinian people. But it’s for America, so it’s okay. We’re the good guys. Call of Duty players would never shoot up one of our schools. Not an American school. Those are American civilians in those schools, and killing them would definitely not be in America’s best interests.

Do it for America, kill the infidels

Other video games, like the ever-popular Minecraft, are not so wholesome or educational. In Minecraft, players must do what they can to survive, no matter the cost. Players can punch innocent animals to death in order to consume their flesh, with not a single police officer in sight to correct the senseless violence. Enemies can be brutally killed with a myriad of weapons, from blades and axes to more creative tools, like a shovel or even one’s bare hands. Players will punch trees in a grievously non-environmentally friendly manner to harvest their materials to build their house, mine all sorts of gold and fine gems, and never once pay Uncle Sam his cut. These Minecraft players don’t have their proper permits or licenses for the architectural projects they’re pursuing, they’re not paying their taxes. There’s no America in Minecraft. Is that the kind of message we want to send our children? To grow up and be a tax-evading murderer that beats animals to death like some sort of sociopath? Why is there no Whole Foods in Minecraft, so that players can simply purchase their food peacefully without mindless violence? And if you think Minecraft is the only thing training our children to kill in cold blood, that’s only the tip of the iceberg.

A true sociopath

Parents handing their child an iPad and having them play Angry Birds to keep them busy is an incredibly common thing. But few ever stop to play the game for themselves, or even look into what kind of radical ideas these incredibly displeased avian terrorists are spreading. The “Angry Birds” in Angry Birds are an organized militia of ethnocentric radicalists, committing heinous war crimes against the Pigs, a minority class attempting to live in their own land alongside these birds. The birds, however, refuse to acknowledge the poor pigs as anything more than animals to be round up for slaughter, and utilize suicide bomber-style kamikaze attacks to blow up entire buildings where these pigs live. This racism and hate fueled war against the indigenous pigs of the Angry Birds world shows our children what, exactly? That our differences are worth killing one another over, and self-destructive violence is a proper means to achieving one’s goal? That certainly sounds like a school shooter to me. The correlation is unmistakable.

Innocent civilians

Angry Birds, Minecraft, Roblox, Club Penguin, the list goes on. And grows every year. Not every new game is as educational as Call of Duty, Grand Theft Auto, or Sonic the Hedgehog. Will parents ever learn to watch what games their children buy? God, no. Will they ever learn to actually parent their children and raise them to be normal, productive members of society? Of course not. That is way too much work. Would children having strong parental figures instead of being raised by television and video games help them grow into mentally stable adults? Yeah, probably. But hopefully not. Otherwise we’re fucked. Do you know how hard to is to communicate with your own children? It’s so much easier to just toss them an Xbox and let them figure out things themselves. Mental health has probably nothing to do with school shootings anyway, it’s not even real. Just another one of those millennial buzzwords, like being vegan. Or CrossFit.

One can only hope that parents grow wise to the evil indoctrination going on in video games like Minecraft and Angry Birds, brainwashing our kids into becoming terrorists, anarchists, and tax evaders, and that our lawmakers will step up and ban these horrible games. Or at least ban children. Make all of our lives a little easier. Maybe we could just have, like, a parenting license? You know, like a driver’s license, but for raising a child? That would probably help too. Only time will tell how these things work out. But chances are, like everything else, nothing will ever get done. God bless America.

References
Dhiaa, Saba, and Waleed A Tawfeeq. “Prevalence of Exposure to Violent Video Games and Media among Primary School Children in Baghdad City.” Tikrit Medical Journal, vol. 21, no. 2, 2016, pp. 128–143.

“Game Industry Revenues Are Expected to Hit $230 Billion by 2022, with Big Growth on PC.” PCGamesN, 16 Jan. 2018, www.pcgamesn.com/game-industry-revenue-2018.

Nayar-Akhtar, Monisha C. “Do We Glorify Violence in Our Culture? Psychoanalytic Perspectives on Media and Violence.” Psychoanalytic Inquiry, vol. 36, no. 6, 2016, pp. 510–522., doi:10.1080/07351690.2016.1192403.