BREAKING: New California Republic And Caesar’s Legion To Hold Peace Summit

In a momentous and unforeseen twist, the Mojave may be united at last. While the two had been at war for years, in recent months tensions have been on the rise between the two main factions, the NCR and Caesar’s Legion. But seemingly overnight, it’s as if we’ve jumped to a completely different timeline.

Edward “Caesar” Sallow, the tyrannical warlord of the cult-like Legion, has come forward and agreed to holding a peace summit. This single, historic move has broken through years of hostility and tension between the two, and has put the possibility of negotiations and even peace without unnecessary bloodshed on the table for the first time in years.

Caesar, pictured below shaking hands with President Trump, has gone on record saying he would like to establish a new peaceful regime alongside current NCR leader President Aaron Kimball, and has called for “new history” between the two.

Completely unedited picture of Caesar

Peace talks between the NCR and Legion will take place at a neutral location, with President Trump attending for good measure. Many have attributed the breakthrough to Trump, thanks to his unrelenting pressure and ruthless sanctions. Under Obama, Caesar’s occupation of the Mojave had only increased, and some would say it was due to his weakness as a leader. Others claim that this peace is entirely thanks to the NCR and Kimball’s unyielding resolve.

“So glad my good friend Aaron Kimball and Lil Spartacus finally agreed to peace talks! Very smart! Weak Obama never could’ve got this done! MAGA!!!” Trump’s one of many tweets reads, moments after the summit was announced. While Caesar and Trump have had a mostly rocky relationship at best, with threats constantly being sent and/or tweeted back and forth between them, it truly seems as if for once, Trump’s stubbornness has allowed him to come out on top.

Kimball has expressed nothing but relief with the talks of peace, more than happy to settle things diplomatically with the tyrannical slaver barbarian tribe. Nothing has been said yet of what will become of the Legion’s strict slave society or ideals; Trump and Kimball will most likely have to talk Caesar down from his extreme views. But for now, they seem content to shake hands as pictured below.

Trump shaking hands with a generic Caucasian male that is probably Kimball

Caesar looks incredibly pleased with himself here, as Trump on the left shakes hands with the generic white guy in a suit on the right. The cruel, inhuman dictator guilty of countless war crimes and crimes against nature really seems happy about this tough diplomatic decision he’s had to make.

There’s nothing official yet, of course. It’s only negotiations at this point, nothing concrete. But still, the fact that there’s a chance of it happening now is a huge step for relations in the Mojave. Even a peace summit that goes nowhere is better than what we’ve had for decades.

Hopefully Trump can behave himself long enough for these talks to go somewhere. The last thing we need is him saying something to set Caesar off.

It’s Decided: Kanye West Can No Longer Use The N Word; You’ll Never Guess Who Can Now

Popular Rapper Kanye West has come under fire as of late for his bold new political opinions. Some have condemned the artist along with all of his works. Others have held out hope that this is some sort of publicity stunt. But whether it is or not, actions have consequences. And Kanye’s consequences are catching up to him now.

The African Linguistics Society has taken notice of Kanye’s blatant anti-black rhetoric, and has stepped in to swiftly punish the rapper. In an unprecedented act of judgement, Kanye was stripped of his melanin license, and his rights to use the “N-word”. The ALS has never stripped a single individual of their melanin before in all recorded history, and have not invoked that power since their decision to strip all Italians of their minority status decades ago.

With Kanye’s melanin freed up, the ALS began searching for a worthy successor. Melanin donors are few and far between, and the number of those that rightfully deserve melanin is always climbing. It was a tough narrowing process, but the end decision was unanimous.

The new black

As of today, the Red Pikmin are now considered black-identifying, and can say the N word at their leisure. As the official statement goes, “Red Pikmin are very obviously potent carriers of melanin. The strongest of their race, capable of dealing incredible damage, and subjugated to a life of hard labor by colonists. It should be obvious to anyone that they’re meant to be black, and we welcome our red-skinned African brothers with open arms”.

Red Pikmin narrowly beat out Purple Pikmin for the melanin title, as the ALS viewed Purple Pikmin as “potentially racially insensitive” and an improper image attempting to emasculate African American men.

Other runners-up included Funky Kong, who the ALS agreed was the blackest of the Kong tribe. There was a brief discussion over whether it would be racist to name a Kong as black, but they ultimately agreed that Kongs were neither black nor white, but if they were black, Diddy Kong would be a lightskin.

The results are in

The ALS also informally agreed that the mammoths from Ice Age, the Squirtle evolution line, and Joey Wheeler from Yu-Gi-Oh are all also black, and can say the N word as they please. They will not be legally registered as African until another melanin donation frees up, however.

When asked about their newfound melanin-enriched lives, the Red Pikmin gave us this riveting interview.

All I can say on the matter is, it’s about damn time.