Elon Musk’s Latest Project To Bring Network Of Nuclear Bomb Shelters To The American People

Elon Musk has dabbled in everything from electric cars to space exploration, but his latest project definitely seems rather bleak. Musk seems to be planning for the very worst-case scenario now with his latest spin-off project, a Plan B of sorts in the event that his SpaceX ventures do not see humanity to outer space in time; underground nuclear shelters in case of a cataclysmic war.

Nuclear armageddon has definitely been on a lot of our minds as of late, what with America’s rather volatile relations with our allies and enemies and the ensuing threats from nuclear powers like Russia, China, and North Korea. And while the chances of us surviving the planet being nuked into oblivion are a staggering zero percent, according to Musk, our chances are significantly greater should we hide away underground and repopulate Earth’s lifeless husk at a later time.

This is where Elon’s new “Musk-Tech” Nuclear Shelters come into play. With over a hundred currently planned by the end of 2019 and possibly a thousand more if Earth lasts beyond that, Elon Musk wants humanity to have a way out should Earth become an uninhabitable wasteland. Each Musk-Tech Shelter will come preprepared with everything one would need to survive a nuclear winter, and some nifty radiation-resistant jumpsuits as well.

Elon's patented Musk-tech Musk-suit

The Musk-Tech Musk-Suit, aptly named by Elon Musk himself, will come in a stylish blue and gold and be supplied free for every participant in the Musk-Tech Shelter program.

As of right now it’s a first-come, first-served basis. Anyone interested can pre-order their spot online through the Musk-Tech website. If it ever stops crashing, that is. Unfortunately, as soon as the site went up, pre-orders were being booked quicker than they were being opened. But according to Elon, more pre-orders will be opened eventually, so all is not lost just yet.

On the bright side, pre-order vouchers have also been popping up on websites like eBay for exorbitant prices. So even if every spot ends up being filled, you may just be able to get you and your family front row seats to the apocalypse for as little as an NES Classic and a packet of Szechuan sauce.

Stay tuned to be the first to hear when more spots are opened. As I’ve already gotten reservations for myself and my loved ones before the publishing of this article, we will be the first to report when something opens up.

Rick & Morty Confirmed For Super Smash Bros Ultimate

Since E3, Nintendo fans have been hard at work combing through trailers and gameplay, speculating and theorizing about the new Super Smash Bros game that was just announced. Though there were suspicions that it might just be a port, Nintendo has been adamant that Super Smash Bros Ultimate is in fact a brand new game.

New and tweaked mechanics have been introduced, as have new characters like Ridley and the Inklings. But Nintendo is still packing some surprises. They’re gonna need to do more to really capture that sense of awe and surprise that they’re famous for. For Super Smash Bros Wii U and 3DS, that surprise was Megaman, Cloud, and Bayonetta. What can they possibly do now to top that?

The answer is simple.

Wubba dubba doo

Rick and Morty are portal gunning their way into Super Smash Bros. The Adult Swim duo have torn up plenty of sci-fi landscapes, but they’ll be getting a chance to shine in Nintendo’s epic fighting game like never before. Similar to the “Pokemon Trainer” fighter, Rick and Morty will act as a pair, with Rick giving orders to his Morty. Morty will be who the player actually controls, though Rick will step into the game when the player unleashes his epic Final Smash where he transforms into Pickle Rick. Morty will wield an assortment of high-tech gadgets and summon all sorts of bizarre creatures with his portal gun to devastate his opponents.

“You know, I really enjoy Rick & Morty. I know some of the players may feel he doesn’t belong in Smash. But to be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand Rick and Morty. The humour is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of theoretical physics most of the jokes will go over a typical viewer’s head. There’s also Rick’s nihilistic outlook, which is deftly woven into his characterisation- his personal philosophy draws heavily from Narodnaya Volya literature, for instance. The fans understand this stuff; they have the intellectual capacity to truly appreciate the depths of these jokes, to realise that they’re not just funny- they say something deep about LIFE. As a consequence people who dislike Rick & Morty truly ARE idiots- of course they wouldn’t appreciate, for instance, the humour in Rick’s existential catchphrase “Wubba Lubba Dub Dub,” which itself is a cryptic reference to Turgenev’s Russian epic Fathers and Sons. I’m smirking right now just imagining one of those addlepated simpletons scratching their heads in confusion as Dan Harmon’s genius wit unfolds itself on their television screens. What fools.. how I pity them. 😂 And yes, by the way, i DO have a Rick & Morty tattoo. And no, you cannot see it. It’s for the ladies’ eyes only- and even then they have to demonstrate that they’re within 5 IQ points of my own (preferably lower) beforehand. Nothin personnel kid 😎” Sakurai told us, in an exlusive interview.

Super Smash Bros Ultimate is currently dated for December 7th, 2018. There’s no word yet on if Sakurai is an atheist or not, but it has been confirmed that he does indeed vape. Rick and Morty Amiibos will be open for pre-order at an unspecified date.

Papa John CEO Purged From Existence After Using “N Word” Slur Against Mortal Beings

The balance of the universe was gravely upset this week as our world’s Supreme Papa was purged from existence. While unprecedented in the history of our universe, a Papa was indeed found to be malevolent, and his reign had to be brought to a swift end.

As you all should know, our world is watched over by the Supreme Papa. They are beings of creation and life, and they exist to keep the balance between creation and destruction. While a Supreme Papa typically rules for eons upon eons, it is in fact possible for a Supreme Papa to die, as ours has.

Supreme Papa John was found to be unfitting in his role as guardian of our universe during a press conference, in which he happened to drop a certain “N word”. The slur, often used by deities towards mortals, was originally pulled out of context from the interview and alone was not worthy of his dismissal. However, things got much darker upon further investigation.

Can't believe Papa John said ningen

It was found that Supreme Papa John was actually messing with the Ingredient Rings. The Ingredient Rings, closely guarded by the Supreme Papa, control just how much better the ingredients and pizza are. Each Ingredient Ring represents another ingredient that a Papa has used on a Pizza, and they may alter the very flow of ingredients themselves.

Supreme Papa John had intended to control all of the ingredients, as he felt humanity was an ugly, inferior race undeserving of his pizza. While there is little above a Supreme Papa, Supreme Papa John had indeed aimed to surpass his lofty roles to become the Grand Papa. The One Papa. Papa of All Things. Supreme Papa John felt that if he could wipe the universe of all mortal life, it would finally be beautiful again.

When this plot was discovered, Supreme Papa John was immediately stripped of his title and destroyed with pure destruction energy. Nothing of him remains, in any timeline, and will be promptly replaced by a new Papa in training.

Supreme Papa John was 56 million years old. No service will be held for him, and his likeness and image will be wiped from all of the company’s ads.

Trump Nominates Three Goombas Stacked On Top Of Each Other For Supreme Court

With Judge Kennedy announcing that he would step down from the Supreme Court, a panic has swept over the nation. The Supreme Court is now in Donald Trump’s hands, and liberals have been awaiting who he would nominate with bated breath. This is Trump’s chance to veer the entire country’s politics towards the right, and will most definitely cause an impact that will be felt for years to come.

However, Trump’s Supreme Court nominee is a choice no one was quite expecting. Three Goombas, stacked on top of each other.

An unexpected pick

Three Goombas stacked on top of each other, while an unforeseen candidate, still doesn’t deviate that far from what one would expect. They’re all older, well-off, right-leaning Catholics. Though they’d tell you they’re not right-leaning, otherwise they would topple over. But we all know that’s just their way of trying to cover up the fact of what they really are.

While criticism has been thrown around on Trump choosing yet another right-wing Supreme Court justice, the right has taken the opportunity to show they’re a party of more than just white men. Indeed, that’s not one, but three minorities that’ve been elected to the Supreme Court by Donald Trump. Other critics have called into consideration that there are three of them, which is an unprecedented move in the history of the United States Supreme Court.

“I don’t care if they all count as one vote, there’s still three of them. That’s not how the Supreme Court works, and this just opens up the door to more of these kinds of loopholes being found to give these corporations a louder voice in our legal system.” Senator Bernie Sanders claimed, citing that this is against the Constitution.

Okay now this is epic

“A+ trolling by Trump, yet again.” Ben Shapiro chimed in, claiming there’s nowhere in the Constitution that specifically says it’s illegal, and that this is a cultural thing for Goombas that Americans will just have to respect. Because “if Muslims can wear their scarves and build mosques on American land, Goombas should be allowed to live in stacks as they please”.

Regardless, America’s fate lies in the hands of the Senate now. All we can do now is hope and pray that they have our best interests at heart.

We’re completely fucked.