Telltale Games Shuts Down, Forcing Millions To Just Watch Movies Like Normal People

Telltale Games, the genre-defining studio that brought us such classics like The Walking Dead, The Wolf Among Us, Tales from the Borderlands, Batman, and Back to the Future has announced today that they are shutting their doors for good.

The Walking Dead: The Final Season has been canceled, as have many of their other projects.

Sales had been slumping, thanks in part to people realizing that TV shows didn’t have quick time events, and parents finally catching on that “Story Mode” was the bad Minecraft and not to buy that one for their kids that don’t even know how to fucking read.

The representative from Telltale also mentioned that the “anthropomorphic Minecraft character” community never quite caught on the same way as Sonic the Hedgehog or Neopets with the autistic child demographic, and as such none of them particularly cared to delve deep into Minecraft: Story Mode’s lore or draw erotic fan art of Story Mode’s original characters.

In their place, Netflix has vowed to bring back those DVD bonus features where you can play games right on the DVD for all movies on their service. Did anyone else ever play those? Like that Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets DVD game where they have to help Harry drive away from the spiders? That’s the only one I can remember but I’m sure there were more. Was that real life or some sort of fever dream? I vaguely remember accidentally finding an old porno of someone peeing in a girl’s mouth on an unmarked VHS tape in my parents’ bedroom once while I was looking for my Pokemon tapes when I was five but that memory is repressed and hazy.

Rest in peace, Telltale. Maybe I’ll go read a fucking book or something.

REPORT: In Animal Crossing Switch, Tortimer Is Fucking Dead

Nintendo surprised everyone at the end of their last Nintendo Direct. Not only was Isabelle confirmed for Super Smash Bros, but a brand new Animal Crossing was confirmed for the Nintendo Switch.

However, Nintendo took everyone by surprise when they revealed the changes coming to the Animal Crossing world. From the original game, up until New Leaf, and even throughout Happy Home Designer and Pocket Camp, time has passed in Animal Crossing. This was never something they avoided. Characters got older.

K.K Slider’s career took off, taking him from a single pup with a guitar to a big-name DJ. Tom Nook left his post at his store, leaving it to his growing sons Tommy and Timmy, to expand his business even further. Kapp’n left his thankless job as a bus driver, got married, had a kid, and decided to live out the rest of his days peacefully on his island. And the beloved mayor, Tortimer, retired from his seat in office and left it to the player character in New Leaf. But as of the newest title on Switch, time has passed even further.

RIP Tortimer

The first thing you discover in Animal Crossing Switch is that Tortimer has died. This isn’t a spoiler or anything, it’s actually the premise of the game. Tortimer has died, leading Isabelle and you, the new mayor, to discover the massive debts Tortimer had racked up before his passing. He took quite a bit of the town’s money with him, and it’s up to you and Isabelle to dig the town out of the hole and get back into the green.

Taxes will now be an important gameplay mechanic, as you will have direct control over how much you’ll be stealing from your villagers. Property taxes, sales taxes, fruit taxes, and more will all be available to levy against your animal friends. Raise them too high, you’ll chase them all away. But if you make too many cuts and lower the property value, crime will rise.

Other popular characters have also been aged up. Pelly is now married, and her sister Phyllis has given up on love. Players that bump into her in the new city will have the option to sleep with her. Just about every dialogue option will lead to it, she’s no longer picky, though she will poke holes in your condoms if you give her the chance. She really wants to settle down.

The new title, simply known as “Animal Crossing” for now, currently has a launch date of sometime in 2019. The ESRB has yet to give it a rating, though the introduction of much more mature themes, as well as Isabelle’s new addiction to prescription painkillers, may just make this the first Animal Crossing game to earn a T rating.

BREAKING: Trump Calls For FEMA To Construct A Large Wall Around White House To Block Hurricane Florence

In wake of Hurricane Florence making landfall, President Donald Trump has ordered FEMA to immediately abandon their roles and to start constructing a massive wall around Washington D.C. to protect himself from the raging storm.

The wall, which is said to be constructed of metal as it’s the strongest building material, will span over 69 square miles in order to protect all of Washington D.C. Many have criticized Trump, as metal walls are weak to nature damage. However, supporters have argued that stone is weak to water, and would be the worse material in a hurricane.

Donald’s son Eric Trump, who will be overseeing the project, claims that the building should be constructed of wood, as it’s actually the best building material, and will be the quickest to erect before Hurricane Florence has a chance to reach them.

Wall

Reports indicate Barron Trump has opposed the building of the wall completely, insisting that building has been nerfed too much and that it’s no longer a viable strategy.

Hurricane Florence has displaced millions. It’s a serious storm, incredibly powerful, and not something to be trifled with. If you are in the path of this violent tropical storm, please seek shelter immediately.

If you’re in the path of the hurricane and have not evacuated yet, stay inside, and stay away from windows and glass doors.

Sega Fans Burning Their Soap Shoes After Sonic Adventure 3 Backlash

Sonic fans have had it rough for such a long time. There hasn’t been a universally acclaimed Sonic game in so long, quite possibly since their retro days. Many have even gone back to criticize those, citing them as having aged poorly or simply being bad games that were given a pass at the time.

No one can agree on whether Sonic made the jump to 3D well, but there’s one thing a large percentage of them can agree on. Sonic Adventure 3 needs to happen. And Sega agreed. But what they announced did not resonate well with the fans.

Ever since the announcement last week, fans have taken to Twitter, YouTube, and Facebook to upload videos of their precious Soap shoes burning. Soap being the brand of shoes that Sonic himself wears.

Gotta go fast

All of this, just because of the massive changes coming to the Sonic Adventure formula. The formula that, Sega argues, was never there. Between Adventure and Adventure 2, the two were so different in how they were set up, it’s hard to argue that they had any formula to them at all.

No Chao Gardens, more boosting levels where you just kind of boost through everything, an even larger pantheon of furries to play with. Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Amy, Big, Shadow, Silver, Rouge, Dr. Eggman, Blaze, Cream, and a gaggle of new characters like Greasy the Pig and Dolores the Naked Mole Rat will all be playable, in their own respective levels. Sonic’s will be about speed, Tails will be shooting, Knuckles will be emerald scavenging, Dolores will be playing blackjack and fleeing sobriety, and so on.

But worst of all, Sega has confirmed that Sonic now pours the milk into the bowl before the cereal, whenever he decides to sit down for a nice bowl of Honey Smacks. Which are now confirmed as Sonic’s favorite cereal.

Part of a balanced breakfast

Sega has made sure that we are grossly aware of Sonic’s preferred method of cereal preparation, not just from lengthy cutscenes that vividly depict Sonic pouring milk into his empty cereal bowl, but from working it into his very personality.

The opening cinematic shows Sonic preparing his breakfast, sure. But later in the opening level, when Tails calls Sonic for help stopping Greasy the Pig from selling Vector the Crocodile fentanyl-laced Xanax, Sonic replies with “I’ll be there quicker than milk into a bowl before the cereal has been poured in.” A line, some may argue, feels forced and ham-fisted.

Following the largely controversial leftist-leaning tone of the previous game in the series, Sonic Forces, many begged Sega to stop pushing their politics into Sonic games. But it appears Sonic Adventure 3 will be as much a political game as Forces was. Having Vector die in the opening level really sets the game up for some powerful storytelling, though. And that’s what the Sonic Adventure games were always about.

We’ve yet to receive any sort of word from any Soap brand representatives, though their stock has plummeted in the wake of this fiasco. Sega, on the other hand, has stood by their product, and insisted that those upset with Sonic Adventure 3 are a “vocal minority”.

Sonic Adventure 3 is currently dated for Holiday 2018.

BREAKING: John McCain Dropped Heart Container Upon His Passing

John S. McCain, Vietnam war veteran and former presidential candidate, passed recently at the ripe old age of 81. He had been battling an aggressive form of cancer, and the cancer had finally won over him.

While there’s been an outpouring of support from every side of American politics since, there are now reports that a heart container had appeared after the senator’s passing.

The matter became increasingly apparent at the memorial service, when the glowing light and revolving heart container simply sat in the background while people paid their respects.

What is that light? Where does it lead?

While much of the grieving McCain family declined to comment on who will be getting the heart container, we were able to get a few words from the senator’s wife and daughter. The former senator’s wife Cindy told us “John would have wanted it to be donated to our troops. They will definitely need the extra heart container, for when we bomb Canceristan and get revenge for what they did to John.”

“I personally believe that the heart container should go to me, since I have inherited his crown. And as the new president of America, after we bomb those Canceristanis off the map, we’ll bomb Allah too and stop terrorism once and for all.” John McCain’s daughter Meghan added. When our reporter attempted to explain that American politics didn’t quite work that way, and that McCain was never actually president, Meghan called upon her mother to bomb us as well.

As we finished up our interviews, John McCain’s son James was caught playing a Nintendo 3DS by his mother, whom promptly smacked it out of his hands and scolded him for “playing with those damn gook machines again”. They declined any further questions.

Our respect and condolences go out to the McCain family for their loss.