Horse Balls Revealed To Be Leading Cause Of Red Dead Redemption 2’s Crunch, PETA Enraged Over “Horse Overtime”

Red Dead Redemption 2 has been one of the most anticipated games of the past couple years, and the hype leading up to its release has been astounding. Rockstar Games has a track record of putting an absurd amount of detail into their games, and the worlds of games like Grand Theft Auto, Red Dead, and Bully set the bar for how massive and immersive open-world games should be.

But worlds that big take an equally gargantuan level of time and manpower to craft. And in the fast-paced world of the game industry, publishers don’t typically have the same understanding when it comes to things like release dates and the amount of work it takes to build a world so deep and detailed. Rockstar has been under fire quite a bit lately for their controversial use of crunch time, overworking their employees to the brink of madness just to have the game ready in time for release. But the latest report from an ex-employee paints a much more chilling picture.

Of those many hundred-hour work weeks that Rockstar forced onto its employees leading up to launch, a majority part of those hours were spent studying and modeling horse balls.

They're there and they're round

One ex-employee opened up to us in an exclusive interview. “For weeks, maybe months, all we did was look at horse balls. Just look at them, we didn’t even get to modeling them until much later. Our supervisor had a horse in the studio, and he would make us all take turns going up and grabbing the horse by the balls. Sometimes the horse would just sit there and let it happen, but sometimes he would get angry. Broke three of Jason’s ribs, the poor guy. Sent him through his desk. We had to get that computer replaced. Weeks of work lost”.

The horses, which Rockstar insisted were not harmed during the makings of the game, are said to have been the target of severe molestation. Which Rockstar representatives have not exactly denied nor confirmed, instead offering the answer “the horses were compensated fairly for their work, and they could have said no at any time if we overstepped our boundaries. We have an atmosphere of trust and consent within our studio, and we made sure the horses enjoyed every second of their job”.

When asked how long the horses were forced to work, Rockstar released the statement that while they don’t exactly consider what the horses did work, they were present at all times for the duration of development, meaning that they also in fact were forced to work during crunch. A message that only raises further ethics questions. Can a horse work overtime? PETA didn’t seem to think so.

PETA is at it again

The official PETA Twitter account immediately got to work with issuing threats to Rockstar games, sharing images of loose horse testicles. Following the malicious tweets posted earlier this week, we received a report this morning that horse testicles were found on the premise of Rockstar Games’ offices, with a copious amount of testicle splatter coating cars, windows, walls, and anything else one could pelt with loose horse testicles.

Rockstar’s Horse Graphics Supervisor, which is in fact his official job title, responded to the threats rather casually. “I can respect PETA’s determination and flair for the dramatic. While many of our employees may feel in danger because of the rain of horse balls barraging our office building, I actually find the sound and thought of it quite soothing. If only it rained horse balls where I live, at 650 Broadway, New York, NY 10012”. He was careful to make sure I copied his address down exactly, rubbing his hands together and sweating profusely as he asked if PETA would get to see this message. He seemed relieved in a wholly erotic way when I told him that it was entirely possible.

As I attempted to question him further on the culture of crunch pervading the studio, he leaned back in his chair and nudged his mouse, prompting his computer to exit sleep mode and reveal a crude 3D animated video of what appeared to be Lara Croft fellating a horse penis. I was promptly escorted from the premise after. No umbrella or protection of any sort was provided to shield me from the barrage of horse testicles.

Red Dead Redemption 2 launched to critical acclaim on October 26th.

Playing As Straight, Male, Caucasian Character In Fallout 76 Will Result In Massive Debuff

Bethesda’s upcoming Fallout title has had many skeptical on the future of the series. Fallout, long an exclusively single-player experience, will now be opened up to be a massively multiplayer free-for-all kind of game. Some are open to the idea, some are incredibly off-put by the decision, seeing it as a second attempt at “Elder Scrolls Online”.

The recent beta set many doubts to rest, and offered many the chance to see whether or not the game was truly for them. But most alarming was the statement Bethesda issued after, to clear up a bit of the confusion over how some of the game’s technical points work.

Behavior that would earn one a negative reputation in the wasteland will be met with harsh punishments. A way to cut back on griefing, and balance the in-game power dynamic. Wanton murder was listed among the many online crimes, as well as playing as any sort of straight, male, Caucasian avatar.

Welcome to Vault 76, land of equality

“We fear that in an online game, a certain subset of so-called gamers will find it funny to target only female players, or only players of color. While cracking down on racism, sexism, and bigotry in-game would require quite a bit of moderation, we figured it would just be easier and more cost-efficient to just preemptively debuff any players identifying as white, straight, and male. Subsequently, any players identifying as a female or minority will be granted a sharp buff to their stats. It’s only fair.” Bethesda’s community manager said in a statement following a series of questions and comments about the beta.

Any players identifying as straight, male, and white with their in-game avatars will have their attack power severely reduced, both in PvP and PvE situations. Furthermore, should any of them actually manage to actually kill a minority in-game, their account will be swiftly booted from the game for several hours, depending on the severity of the crime.

Fallout 76 will be launching November 14th.

Can Someone Please Play This Game For Me And Unlock All The Anime Girls So I Can Beat Off Already?

I’m having a hard time with this game. It keeps making me do things. First I need to tap through words, then I need to tap through monsters. And then there’s more words, and more monsters. I don’t think Nintendo really understands how this is supposed to work here. They almost had it right with their last anime game but this is just not up to par.

Nintendo has only fairly recently discovered the goldmine that is mobile gaming. And it wasn’t something they immediately nailed on their first try. Miitomo, bless its heart, met its untimely demise earlier this year. Aside from the Niantic-developed runaway success that was Pokemon Go, Nintendo’s greatest success was the anime girl collecting game, Fire Emblem Heroes.

But Nintendo is running out of anime girls from Fire Emblem, so now they need to do something new. Something bold, and different. A fresh IP, with all new anime girls to collect. With an untapped supply of anime girls. Anime girls, and vaguely sexy dragons.

Rise up

Dragalia Lost is their first truly bold mobile game. The largest risk they’ve ever taken. Not counting Miitomo, which really wasn’t a risk. It’s not a risk if you’re actively trying to shotgun your face off. Trying to take a horse penis up the ass is a risk. Miitomo wasn’t the risk, the rope breaking was the risk. The slow, painful couple years it spent as a cripple was what they got for taking that risk. The punishment they reaped for sinning in the eyes of God. But Miitomo itself was never the risk.

A completely new, fresh IP with a brand new cast of characters. No familiar faces to immediately endear it, no established lore or rules to constrain it. Nintendo is now free to come up with whatever they want, embrace the fullest extents of their creativity, and bullshit their way into your wallets with a limitless supply of anime girls to collect.

And what they’ve done with that boundless creativity? Eh. It passes the time.

Kawaii

If you’ve ever watched one of those anime cartoon shows, you’ll know exactly what you’re getting yourself into here. It’s really nothing special. There’s one million characters but only like two of them are important. The other ones are there for you to draw porn of and re-label funny tweets as in-character conversations that only you and three other socially impaired people will find funny because y’all have no real friends to laugh at normal things with.

As a mobile game, the level of polish is impressive. The obsessive attention to detail is definitely the most Nintendo thing about the game. It’s probably the only “Nintendo” thing about the game. Everything else feels so odd and foreign. As if Nintendo realized there was a million dollars to be made with anime tiddies, so they made a secret porn blog to share anime tiddies and were trying really hard to keep it a secret but you still recognized the way they type.

It’s honestly a little surprising, even with the amount of fanservice Nintendo has been pumping out lately. This had to be some sort of executive order, someone big had to sign off on this. Miyamoto himself unplugged all of the Wii Vitality Sensors from each of his fingers and toes, came down from his eighth dimension of local, asynchronous, cardboard-based, quality of life, glasses-free existence to declare “Let there be anime tiddies”. And he saw they were good.

Playing as a guy character makes you gay

The uninspired premise is only topped by the even duller gameplay. It’s an incredibly simple top-down hack and slash game with an even simpler take on level design. Almost all of the levels are assembled of various hallways leading into monster rooms leading into more hallways leading into more monster rooms, with waves of repetitive enemies mostly differentiated by elemental affinities. In short, it’s literally just any other mobile game with anime tiddies in it.

If the gameplay was meant to be rewarding within itself, it wouldn’t give you “Skip Tickets” to effortlessly clear dungeons without actually playing them. It wouldn’t give you an auto feature to allow the game’s transcendentally retarded AI to shriek and drool through levels for you. Dragalia Lost, like so many other mobile games, falls into the pattern of making gameplay the punishment and not playing the game the actual reward. I hit the Auto button, the game plays itself for me. I use my Skip Ticket, I don’t have to watch the game play itself for me, getting me the satisfaction of not playing the game even faster. Wouldn’t it be even faster to just never play the game and just google the porn in the first place?

We could never do that though, we’re not savages. We need to know the characters’ names first before we nut to them. Have some manners, have some class. Read a little bit of lore first. At least two chapters. Let them endear themselves to you first.

We got some scalies out here

The game is polished as fuck though. It’s got some real pretty artwork, the writing is at least charming when it’s not blatant porn dialogue without the porn, and the soundtrack has a ton of bangers. It was composed by DAOKO, whomst is apparently some kind of major weeb singer/rapper. I had to Google who they were. I’d hit it. Hit me up DAOKO. If you slap anywhere near as hard as your music we’ll get along just great.

My biggest takeaway wasn’t that mobile games could actually have some production value, quality, and depth to them. There are better examples of mobile games with depth, or production values. For some fucking reason. Like what the fuck, make a real game you fucking idiot, no one’s gonna appreciate your mobile game on the app store, you’re gonna have twenty Chinese knock-offs before your game is even published.

I'd fuck this dragon

No, my biggest takeaway was that all this great production value was absolutely wasted on a pretty average, disposable mobile game experience. Imagine if they actually made a real game with high quality art and music like this. People would buy it. Lots of them. But no, Nintendo is busy chasing the overstuffed wallets of fucking weebs that have nothing better to spend their money on besides endlessly rolling the dice on possibly getting their perfect anime girl that’s totally older than twelve and definitely younger than the national age of consent but probably just old enough to be legal in whatever your state is so the FBI won’t kick your door down.

I just wanna get to the part where they take their clothes off. It’s just tapping on monsters until they die and making the numbers get bigger and bigger. When I hit the biggest number, will I finally get to see a little tiddy? Just like, one? A cubic centimeter of areola? That’s a reasonable amount right? I ain’t paying shit Nintendo, don’t be stingy. Cut me a deal or I’ll find a mobile game that’ll give me what I want.

The ball is in your court.

Are Luigi’s Mansion 3’s “Celebrity Guest Appearances” In Poor Taste, Or A Proper Way To Immortalize Someone?

Luigi’s Mansion 3 was a welcome surprise to everyone when it was announced during the September Nintendo Direct. The upcoming Switch entry in the beloved franchise will be bringing Luigi to the big, and also small screen. It’s both, because the Switch is also portable.

While the original reveal trailer gave us a lot of little tidbits to pick apart and analyze, Nintendo has promised a lot of major improvements over the last Luigi’s Mansion game.

Luigi’s Mansion: Dark Moon, the second in the franchise, shrunk down all of the charm of the original for the most part. There were a few compromises here and there. Exploration was a bit limited, and the lack of numerous unique specters dotting the manors made the whole thing a bit more methodical. Nintendo has sworn not to let the same missteps haunt the newest entry though. But some worry that they’re going a little far.

Much like the first game in the series, just about every major room in Luigi’s Mansion 3 will be haunted by its own unique spirit. And though Nintendo has said that there will be original characters in place as well, many of the new spirits will seem quite a bit familiar.

RIP

“Robin Williams was always a huge Nintendo fan, so we decided it would be fitting to make sure his memory is never forgotten. He will be forever remembered as a part of Luigi’s Mansion 3. That is the decision we came to while working on the new mansion’s ghost designs. But that lead us to consider, who else could we have haunting the mansion alongside him? And that’s when it hit us. We could put anyone in there.” Luigi’s Mansion director Hideki Konno told us, in an exclusive interview.

“There are many popular faces that have passed recently. And we thought, if we put one in, the fans may start to request more and more. We originally were gonna have a Luigi’s Mansion Ghost Ballot to see who we would include in and who we wouldn’t, but the development team was having so much fun, we decided to put as many as we could in.”

Nintendo has already confirmed that several popular rappers will be included, in a level called “Thugz Mansion”, named after the popular Tupac song. Old-school and new-school rappers alike will populate the manor, and once they’ve all been sucked up and contained in paintings, the player will have to face an even greater foe. The dreadful, long-deceased Eminem’s Career.

But is it really okay for Nintendo to be putting the likeness of dead celebrities in their games? And, furthermore, what of their controversial “DLC plans”?

RIP soon?

Whether or not Nintendo gets swept up in some sort of legal battle over this remains to be seen, though Nintendo is known to be quite ruthless when it comes to legal cases.

Luigi’s Mansion 3 is currently slated for 2019 sometime, though there’s no exact date.

And as for whether the DLC will be available at launch or not, “We’ll see, but hopefully it will be ready very, very soon. Please understand.” was all Nintendo had to say on that matter.