Zuckerburg Reveals Facebook’s Plans For The Game Industry

Facebook has been having a hard time lately. Everything seems to be on fire. One scandal after another, their users fleeing to newer social media sites, their desperate attempts to assure whatever users they have left that they’re not stalking them in every conceivable way to mine their precious personal info, and of course the crusade against Mark Zuckerburg himself.

Some feel that Marky Z is unfit to lead Facebook. Some fear that the direction he’s taking the site, with its predatory approach to their users, is actively killing their business. But they’re still trying. They have multiple large tech projects in the works to bolster their business, the first being the Facebook Portal which launched on November 8th. Their newest tech device, though, looks to make an even larger splash.

“Here at Facebook, we like to partake in amusement and revelry” Mark Zuckerburg began his presentation, each of his eyes moving independently to scan the audience. “We wish to join in this merrymaking with our new Recreation Hexahedron. This solid figure with six plane faces contains components to read data off of the storage devices your people call the ‘Blue Rays’. On these storage devices, there will be images, sounds, and video that may be electronically manipulated to produce pure elation.”

Satisfaction

Zuckerburg did not blink, walking from one end of the stage to the other. His lips curled into a static smile every few minutes, before returning to its blank, emotionless starting position. “All the Hexahedron will command in return is regular retina and infrared iris scans, blood samples, and fingerprint input via the included control apparatus. The Hexahedron comes equipped with powerful smart cameras, and will be able to recognize members of your family unit when they are partaking in the festivities of the Hexahedron. It will not listen to your private conversations and send those recordings to Facebook for data analysis to better understand human specimens of our experiments. We will not use your DNA, likeness, or digitally reconstructed personality information to create anything.”

“The Hexahedron will display messages from our sponsored corporate human brethren at regular intervals, and will be the cause of much happiness. The messages displayed which will correlate to the activities and products which the consumer shows interest in will not draw from information we collect from the family unit’s behaviors, conversations, appetite, hormonal balance, blood sugar levels, sleeping patterns, or perceived desires from the digitally reconstructed human consciousness stored within our servers.” Zuckerburg reassured us, his tone rising and falling just slightly off while he spoke, as if speaking in some unknown dialect.

We were curious what kind of games might be launching with Facebook’s new console, so we asked what they currently had in development for it. Zuckerburg grew silent at this question, his lips still curling into a smile at timed intervals as if he was still speaking. After a roughly ten minute pause, he responded “The Recreation Hexahedron will deliver purest amusement for the purpose of producing the sensation of happiness within the human consumer.” I wasn’t quite sure if he was implying that the console itself was the game, or if perhaps the games were a higher concept which could not be comprehended. The statement itself made no sense. But when I asked him to elaborate some more, he repeated the statement, this time with added emphasis on the word “happiness”. He smiled after, this one seeming to be a conscious effort, as he held it for the twenty minutes the room was silent.

There is currently no release date for Facebook’s “Hexahedron” console. Zuckerburg did not seem like he was capable of answering any further questions, and all of the Facebook representatives we reached out to could only reply with “It is coming”, each of them oddly speaking in the same voice and tone. It could be described as monotone and lifeless, yet at the same time, both terrified and aroused.

Considering that Facebook also owns Oculus, this could easily shape up to be an interesting console, though it remains to be seen what Facebook puts out for it. With all of their money and vast internet presence, along with the flourishing PC market as it begins to converge with the console market, this coming generation may see one of the big three wiped right off the map.

All we know right now, is that it’s coming. It is coming, and the world will never be the same.

President Trump Signs Executive Order Granting Asylum To Gamers

Finally some good news in the volatile mess of American politics. President Donald Trump, long criticized for his inhumane policies on social matters, has finally shown a small chip in the heavy armor surrounding his cold, cold heart.

While many are still separated from their families, being ruthlessly persecuted and living in fear of the day that the government will come for them, the most vulnerable minority has finally gotten a break from good ol’ Donnie. It’s a Christmas miracle. Trump has signed an executive order granting gamers around the world asylum in our blessed country.

He met with important gamer figures, ironing out a plan to rescue as many gamers as possible, and steps to combat the growing hostility towards gamers. Trump actually agreed that stopping gamer genocide should be the top priority of the UN.

Rise up gamers

Some say Trump’s crusty orange heart grew three sizes when he signed that order. Now it’s yuge.

Millions of gamers have been displaced by Israel since they started occupying gamer land in 1967. Israel has been unjustly persecuting and killing gamers for years, waging genocide against the gamer people. Gamers have fought for their homes with rocks and sticks, and Israel has torn into them with tanks, bullets, tear gas, and worse.

Gamers will finally be able to live without persecution within America’s borders. But that alone is not enough. Gamers need to rise up and take back their homeland. Israel must pay for their war crimes, they must answer for the sins they’ve committed. They’ll get what’s coming to them.

You don’t wanna mess with gamers. You can use your tanks, your guns, your drones, your tear gas and poison. You can manipulate the media, you can try to obscure the truth as you murder us by the thousands. But still, we gamers will never be afraid of you.

Because gamers never die. We respawn.

Blizzard Announces New Title OverMatch, And Overwatch Mobile Coming 2019

Blizzard has been at the center of quite a bit of controversy lately. Ever since their Blizzcon event earlier this month, they’ve gotten nothing but hate for their general lack of foresight in announcing Diablo Immortal without Diablo IV so much as hinted at. Gamers have been up in arms, hurling accusations that Blizzard is pandering to casuals with a shitty mobile game and not giving real gamers what they want.

While they’ve attempted damage control in the past week, it appears either Blizzard really hasn’t learned their lesson, or that Blizzard’s PR department and their advertising team haven’t had a word with each other yet. Another poorly timed announcement was just made, this time taking a stab at one of Blizzard’s other major franchises, Overwatch.

Coming to gamers’ phones early next year, two Overwatch titles. One, a shrunken down Overwatch experience that fits right on your phone. The other, an Overwatch puzzle spin-off much in the style of Candy Crush Saga, allowing players to delve deep into the Overwatch lore while matching colors.

Nerf Bastion

Featuring a unique stand-alone story in the Overwatch universe, OverMatch will see players taking up the role of Tracer and collecting other Overwatch heroes in order to match colors and win Play of the Game. Oddly enough, the game will feature over 300+ heroes at launch that can be collected, though the typical mobile loot box microtransactions. This will be a massive departure for Overwatch, which has only given us a steady drip feed of new characters up until now.

Fans have already taken to Twitter and YouTube to voice their disapproval, citing that once again Blizzard is pandering to casual fans and not delivering quality gaming experiences for “real gamers”. Some fear that Blizzard is turning their backs on the PC market in favor of the much more lucrative mobile market.

Blizzard reps have been having a field day trying to recover from this, seeing as they’re still recoiling from the Diablo Immortal announcement. But they still continue to insist that they are not abandoning the core game market for casual mobile gamers. They’re already planning their next Overwatch character and World of Warcraft expansion, and have teased more new games to come. Including a mysterious new project in the World of Warcraft universe they’re calling “Warcraftville”.

Only on PC

Not much is known about it aside from a few teased screenshots, but Blizzard has promised it will be PC exclusive, coming to Facebook in 2019.

One can only hope Blizzard doesn’t mess this up by announcing another mobile port or spin-off. They’re one of the biggest names in gaming, responsible for some of the most recognizable franchises and best PC exclusives. They need to put the gamers first and stop messing around with these casual mobile games.

Diablo Immortal, OverMatch, and Overwatch Mobile all have no set release dates, though they’re currently projected to launch sometime in 2019. Unless they get canceled, which will most likely never happen, since Blizzard likes money so much.

Sony Refuses To Answer Why The PS1 Classic Comes Pre-Loaded With Twenty Copies Of Hooters Road Trip

Nostalgia sells in the game industry, that’s something we’ve known for decades. Everyone loves to play old games. 8-bit and 16-bit graphics are popular styles even to this day, purely for the aesthetic and nostalgia factor.

Nintendo, the undisputed kings of nostalgia, have gotten away with selling us the exact same old games for unreasonable prices ever since Super Mario All-Stars hit the Super Nintendo. Or maybe when Donkey Kong was ported to the NES. They’ve sold us ports, they’ve sold us remasters, they’ve sold us on the Virtual Console and now their new Switch Online retro library. But their line of retro mini consoles is what’s been setting GameStops on fire and leaving eBay prices in the thousands.

Of course, where there’s money, other businesses will flock to it. Sega released their own, incredibly cheaply made flashback consoles. And now Sony is getting in on it.

The classic

The PS1 Classic is set to release right in time for the holidays, and will be packed with twenty classic PS1 titles. However, many fans are concerned that Sony may be overlooking many of the games that made the PS1 such a great console in the first place. Playstation’s early mascots, Crash Bandicoot and Spyro, are nowhere to be seen on the console’s twenty pre-installed games.

This, in addition to the odd choice to include the PS1’s original controllers without the joysticks, and the bizarre choice to not include the console’s AC adapter in the box, make the steep $99.99 USD price tag a bit questionable. But the biggest enigma of the whole debacle is that Sony’s confirmed PS1 game list was twenty of the same exact game. Hooters Road Trip.

The poorly received PS1 abomination was a buggy, clunky mess of a racing title. Shovelware, with the name “Hooters” slapped on it. The PS1, home to classic franchises like Crash Bandicoot and Spyro, timeless games like Castlevania: Symphony of the Night and PaRappa the Rapper, and all in all just so many better games to put on there. Any of the Tomb Raider games, Suikoden, Legend of Dragoon? There’s so many great games. Why did they only put Hooters Road Trip on there?

WTF

Seriously. Hooters Road Trip. That was the best you could come up with, Sony? And twenty copies of it. All the same game. It’s not like there’s physical copies they had to scrounge around their vaults for, they just downloaded twenty copies of the same game off an emulator site or something. This really just makes no sense at all, whatsoever.

Fans have complained on social media, hounding Sony on Facebook, Twitter, and on their Playstation blog. And Sony has refused to even answer. We sent Sony a message, and they left it on read. They’re seeing the fans upset, they’re just not doing anything about it and no one can figure out why. At its core, the PS1 Classic is just sounding more and more like some cheap cash grab by the day. The least they could do is explain their reasoning. Do they not want to take out of their PS Now sales or something? Do they want us to buy all the classics people actually want off the Playstation Store?

It just makes no sense. None if it makes sense. Hooters Road Trip isn’t even that good.

The PS1 Classic is dated for December 3rd. Pre-orders are already filled up everywhere, don’t even bother looking for it. I already checked. I managed to reserve three at three different GameStops and one at Best Buy.

Dragon Ball FighterZ’s Next Character DLC Leaked, Revealing Goku’s New SSBBW Form

It’s been a major year for Dragon Ball fans. With the release of Dragon Ball FighterZ earlier this year, and the conclusion of Dragon Ball Super shortly after, Dragon Ball fever has been raging like it hasn’t ever since the original Dragon Ball Z saga.

Dragon Ball fans new and old have been pumped to see old favorites come to life on the 2D fighting game scene, and new forms take life on the big screen. Goku has gotten several new forms since Dragon Ball Super started, beginning with the red-haired Super Saiyan God, and ending with the new Ultra Instinct form. But apparently, Goku will be going much further than simply Ultra Instinct very soon. And we’ve got an exclusive firsthand glimpse, thanks to data miners.

In the latest patch for Dragon Ball FighterZ, a mysterious character was unearthed, pointing towards a new Goku form, for a new movie or perhaps for the next Dragon Ball anime to come after Super.

Braaaaap

No one is quite sure what to make of this form yet, as it’s not something we’ve seen yet in Dragon Ball Super, but a fan theory going around points towards this being Goku reaching a level of Super Saiyan beyond the Super Saiyan God, or perhaps perfectly achieving Ultra Instinct the way the gods do.

Another popular fan theory is that this takes place after the new Broly movie, in which Goku soothes Broly’s Saiyan Rage by expressing his deepest, most profound love. The odd conclusion to the film, which involved a twenty minute love-making scene between Goku, Broly, and Vegeta was met with mixed reception by moviegoers, including slight outrage that Vegeta was once again left on the sidelines and made to watch while Goku reached greater and greater heights.

Could this truly be a form of Goku pregnant with the purebred Saiyan child of Broly? It’s entirely plausible. That would make their son the first Saiyan child to be born in Goku’s universe that was all Saiyan since the destruction of Planet Vegeta, as all of the Saiyan children born prior were only half Saiyan. The form is referred to as “SSBBW Goku” in all of the game’s menus and dialogue, though almost all of it has still yet to be translated.

There has still yet to be any official word on when this DLC officially launches, but more likely than not we’ll have some huge Dragon Ball news to share soon.

The Alt-Right War On Mr. Game & Watch

The alt-right has been known for its shadowy online activity since it first emerged and made itself known to the common people back in 2016. Targeted harassment, bullying, and using memes to manipulate people have been their most common tricks, and though most people have grown wise to their little campaigns, it appears some are still falling for their schemes.

A recent scandal surrounding Nintendo’s upcoming Super Smash Bros game painted the character “Mr. Game & Watch” as a racially insensitive character. In an effort to make the character more true to his roots, Nintendo has made his animations reflect the games he featured in, including making his character resemble the ones featured in said games.

The problem being, one of his games was a “Cowboys and Indians”-inspired game, depicting a rather offensive image of a Native American character.

The offending image

An outdated image from an era when this type of thing was viewed as acceptable and the norm, nothing more. Entertainment always takes on the views of those consuming it, and people from any one generation can only know as well as the history they are taught. There’s a number of cartoons, movies, books, and more with imagery like this. Nintendo has agreed to remove the image as well. But that’s not the problem.

The problem is that this is a targeted attack at Nintendo’s proudest character of color, and Mr. Game & Watch has been at the center of many of these attacks from neo-Nazis and white supremacists ever since he was first introduced in Melee. Does no one remember the Flat Zone N word fiasco of 2002? Or were most Smash players too young at the time? Every single run of Melee copies after the first had only the instrumental Flat Zone rap because having Mr. Game and Watch drop the N word was apparently too much for a T-rated game. But it was never about that word, it was about the attempted white-washing of Mr. Game and Watch.

Mr. Game & Watch, an older character from a bygone era, was technically Nintendo’s first “character”. He came before Mario, before Donkey Kong, before Pikachu. He was their very first, and he’s also a proud African male. All of Nintendo’s characters, all of their games and franchises, all owe their respect to Mr. Game & Watch. In a sense, Nintendo’s very history and success as a company is built on the foundation of African culture. Nintendo is practically an African company.

White skin Game & Watch is a symbol of oppression

Neo-Nazis, white supremacists, and now the alt-right have been trying to take away Mr. Game & Watch’s heritage ever since he was brought to their attention. There have been petitions to make White Game & Watch the default skin for Mr. Game & Watch, and many high-ranking alt-right eSports players will only use White Game & Watch as a sort of subtle nod to their people. In the neo-Nazi developed Smash spin-off “Project M”, White Game & Watch will cause more damage and have move priority over the real Mr. Game & Watch, because in their twisted view that’s how it should be.

They’re trying their hardest to drag Mr. Game & Watch down. They couldn’t get him made to be white by default, so now they’re just trying to get rid of him. They know Nintendo is not their company, and they’re afraid of Nintendo embracing their African heritage. They know that Mr. Game & Watch should be the rightful face of Nintendo, as their oldest and most respected character, but they fear a Nintendo that has a powerful African man at their helm. Of a video game industry created and dominated not by their inferior white men, but by a superior African man. They know that as soon as the biggest name in video games is black, everyone else will be too. They can’t handle that, and they’re doing everything they can to strip Nintendo’s true heritage.

If you think this sounds crazy, that’s exactly what the alt-right wants you to think. Because they’ve already done it once before, and you never even noticed.

Wakanda Forever

Nintendo’s leading African queen, Daisy, was stripped of her melanin over the years. The greatest tennis player in Mario Tennis (much like our own real life Nubian queens), and the superior princess, Daisy rules over the Africa-inspired Sarasaland. A great land of pyramids, futuristic technology, and prosperity quite unlike Mario’s own Mushroom Kingdom. Mario gets to drive a plane and submarine in Sarasaland, but has to walk everywhere back home. They don’t even have cars yet, those primitive whites. Peach is overrun with invaders every week, while Daisy is able to keep the invaders out on her own so well there’s only one game that takes place in her homeland. A homeland Nintendo is afraid to show again, with its unmitigated prosperity and African pride.

Daisy was the original princess, Daisy was originally supposed to be the “real” princess. “Daisy Toadstool”. This is obviously prevalent in the Super Mario Bros Movie, which also touches on the centralized African origin of all life. We all originated from Africans, except the whites. They’re lizards, like the evil Koopa. Daisy was meant to be Nintendo’s proud Nubian matriarch, and Super Mario was originally Mr. Game & Watch. Mr. Game & Watch preceded Mario, and many Mario games have their roots in Game & Watch. So in reality, despite the attempts by the whites to whitewash Nintendo’s history, the original leading Nintendo couple were an African King and Queen. Mr. Game & Watch, and Princess Daisy. It wasn’t until white supremacists and neo-Nazis started getting involved that Super Mario and Princess Peach were created to hide Nintendo’s true African heritage.

With each Mario Party, with each Mario sports game, Daisy was slightly whiter. Slightly paler, slightly weaker. And then they tried to replace her with Rosalina, their new white princess. But both Peach and Rosalina are nothing before Daisy, in all her African glory. With each passing game, they thought we wouldn’t notice. They thought they could whitewash our proudest Nubian gaming queen. But we are woke African men, and we will not allow them to take our representation anymore.

Don't allow them to whitewash anymore Nintendo characters

This is what they did to Princess Daisy, and this is what they’re trying to do to Mr. Game & Watch. Don’t let them take anymore of our African Kings or Queens, don’t let them whitewash and gentrify gaming. Gaming was invented by Africans, it’s rooted deeply in African culture. We are the original gamers, and it’s time that we gamers rose up.

Super Smash Bros Ultimate will be releasing December 7th, and as of right now Mr. Game & Watch is still included, though the alt-right has been trying to find ways to get him removed. Don’t fall for these tricks, don’t fall for their hate. We are African Kings, we will rise above their hate. Let us show Nintendo our African pride, our Game & Watch pride, and support Mr. Game & Watch through these silly allegations.

Game & Watch forever.

Nintendo Confirms Super Smash Bros Ultimate Will Have Enhanced Ball Physics

Ever since Super Smash Bros Ultimate was announced, many have argued over whether it was a port or a brand new game. Even after Sakurai, the game’s director, released an official announcement stating that the game was being designed from the ground up, many were still skeptical. After all, it still looks and feels like Super Smash Bros for Wii U and 3DS.

While many have remained insistent that the game doesn’t do enough to differentiate itself from its predecessor, the latest announcement from Sakurai seems to establish that this latest Smash installment will be like nothing ever before.

Super Smash Bros Ultimate will have an enhanced physics engine to give the game ultra-realistic detail. And the first thing to have this noticeable improvement? The balls.

Smooth and scaly

Many of Smash’s characters will have their balls on display, including Donkey Kong, Diddy Kong, Pikachu, K. Rool, and Pac-Man. Other Pokemon and Assist Trophies will also have rendered balls, including Rathalos of Monster Hunter fame, with massive balls one Mario tall and two Marios wide in scale.

The physics, said to rival Red Dead Redemption 2’s groundbreaking physics engine, will be bringing out the full potential of the Switch, giving each individual ball their own unique jiggle. Donkey Kong, for example, has one ball that sits just a little higher than the other. Sonic the Hedgehog has an undescended testicle, and while Wario’s won’t be immediately visible since he’s clothed, you’ll be able to see the outline of his massive balls through his overalls.

Super Smash Bros Ultimate releases on December 7th exclusively for Nintendo Switch.