Trump Refuses To End Government Shutdown Until K. Rool Gets Nerf

Nintendo’s all-star fighting mash-up has hardly been out a month, and the game’s mechanics are already under fire. Complaints that the game is not “balanced” and not anywhere near as competitively viable as certain other past Smash games have been all over the place, raising massive shitstorms among a bunch of fucking nerds.

One of the most notable changes within the Smash formula was how heavy fighters worked. Heavy fighters have almost always been not very viable on the competitive scene, thanks to their poor speed and combo potential. Since Nintendo was adding several heavies to the mix, including Ridley and K. Rool, it was time for the heavies to have a chance to redeem themselves.

But Nintendo has pissed off some people in high places now with how powerful a certain fighter is.

Nerf immediately

The threat of a government shutdown has always loomed over the United States, thanks to the sheer incompetence, corruption, and greed in their political system. Always divided over the stupidest issues, unable to get anything done on their own without one of the many megacorporations puppeteering them or Saudis, Israelis, Russians, or Chinese lining their pockets pushing them one way or another. Never in the common interests of their own people, either.

But now that our government has come to a screeching halt, our country is being held hostage by the man at the top. And he’s got some demands. Aside from trying to smooth over his V-Buck scandal, Trump has decided that while we’re at it, we may as well tackle a few other pressing issues too. Namely, nerf K. Rool. He really, really doesn’t like K. Rool.

He HATES K. Rool

Trump, a dedicated and outspoken Wii Fit Trainer and Bayonetta main, has been campaigning on Twitter since launch for his prized main fighters to get a buff and for the bane of his existence to be nerfed. “Make Wii Fit Trainer Great Again” has been trending, as has “Make Bayonetta Great Again”.

The two female fighters, the second a bit more controversial than the first, Trump has always loved to play because they “remind him of Melania and Ivanka”. He’s gone on record stating how attractive he finds both. The characters, and his own wife and daughter. Sometimes it’s hard to figure out which he’s referring to when the topic comes up, but the uncomfortable thoughts are the same regardless.

Oh no

With no end to the government shutdown in sight, and Trump now threatening action against Japan, it looks like we’ll be entering 2019 the way we started it. On the brink of nuclear war with an Asian country.

One thing is for certain. We’re all completely fucked. One can only hope and pray that this all blows over and we’re perfectly fine for another few months, until the next thing happens and we’re fucked again, all the while skating by on thin ice while our hollow shell of a government teeters on the brink of collapse until either society collapses or we fuck this planet into oblivion.

Don’t kid yourself, there’s no other way out of this mess. We’ll drag the entire world down with us before we let this country go belly up.

Donald Trump Starts GoFundMe For Border Wall After Spending Government Funds On Fortnite “V-Bucks”

The state of American politics has been a joke for quite some time now, and yet with each passing day the distinction between reality and fantasy slips just a little more. Parody and satire bits are becoming actual news stories, and fact is becoming more ridiculous than fiction. It really shouldn’t surprise us anymore when there’s a major political scandal. And yet here we are, once again.

A GoFundMe has been making the rounds on the internet, claiming to be a “by the people” movement to get Trump’s border wall funded. With the threat of a government shutdown constantly looming, Trump has had to make a few compromises on what he built his entire campaign on. Keeping illegal immigrants out with a big, meaty wall. As funds are mysteriously drying up, Trump’s supporters have stepped in to cover the costs.

And yet things aren’t exactly what they seem.

MAGA

The campaign, having blown up so suddenly, has been under intense scrutiny. Who is this guy, where is this money going? Will it actually be put towards the wall? Or is it just some guy trying to cash in and scam a bunch of people? It’s actually a little of both.

According to sources close to Trump, the president has taken up a new hobby in addition to golf. A hobby that’s proven to be slightly more expensive. Trump, who is 72 years old, is understandably wary of modern tech. He’s preferred to use his phone, and sometimes his iPad, which he refers to as “the flat one” according to tweets from mid-2018. He’s always been very reluctant to using any of the White House computers or laptops.

But when one of his caretakers allowed him to download games onto “the flat one”, Trump discovered the video game sensation “Fortnite”. That’s where things get messy.

Within weeks of Trump becoming hooked on the game, government funds began to get inexplicably sucked up. Little by little, money wasn’t where it should be. It wasn’t until later investigations that anyone discovered where that money was being spent. Trump had been spending hundreds of dollars on the game’s “V-Bucks”, which are a form of in-game currency. Several other major purchases were made, including one for a gaming PC, and a new headset.

While White House staff attempted to cover up the mess, the problem of the missing government funds was still something they couldn’t just ignore. And that’s when the idea for the GoFundMe came up. Witnesses say it was Barron Trump’s idea, but we have no official confirmation. Regardless, a fake persona and account were made by government officials in order to raise the money Donald had inadvertently spent.

Very cool

You’d think the story would end there, but Trump is still vehemently denying that he’s ever played Fortnite, despite photographic evidence and tweets in which he explicitly mentions playing Fortnite.

Critics of the president have been calling for him to be impeached over this, and yet he continues to deny it, even going so far as to accusing them of being racist against “gamers”. Which, if he refers to himself as a gamer, would imply he is playing Fortnite? Trump has also gone on record saying “buying V-bucks is not illegal”. Though I’m pretty sure misusing government funds is?

I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore.

Yoshi’s Original Final Smash In Ultimate Had Him Violently Fucking His Enemies, Here’s Why Nintendo Censored That

Nintendo has always been infamous for their gratuitous censorship. They have a family-friendly image to uphold, as the house of Mario. Their games are mostly rated E for everyone, they can’t do anything to offend the conservative soccer moms that purchase their products for the whole family.

In recent years, they’ve gotten a bit bolder, here and there. Bayonetta is in Smash, that alone should be enough to show that they’re unafraid to step out of their comfort zone. But time and time again, Nintendo will make decisions that baffle their long-time fans. For example, the rampant censorship in the Switch’s latest blockbuster title, Super Smash Bros Ultimate.

Censored thots

Many female characters saw changes to their outfits, from Fire Emblem’s Camilla losing her tit window, to Xenoblade’s Mythra. Also losing her tit window. All the windows have been closed. And the thighs have been covered as well. But the character most touched by Nintendo’s overprotective censorship is actually a playable one. Yoshi.

As part of their attempt to make Super Smash Bros Ultimate quicker and more to the point, each character’s finishing move has been tweaked and edited to make them snappier and less of an interruption to the match. Any transformation style moves were removed, in favor of much faster and flashier attacks. Yoshi no longer transforms into his dragon form. Now, he simply stampedes across the stage and tramples all in his path.

Censorship at its worst

It’s an odd move choice. As anyone familiar with Yoshi canon knows, Yoshis don’t travel in massive herds like that. At most, there’s maybe like twelve of them? Somewhere around that. They move in packs, like the terrifying predators they are. Not to mention the average Yoshi IQ is equal to, if not greater than the average human’s. They aren’t brainless animals, nothing would make them stampede like that. Why the odd, seemingly non-canon move choice then? It’s not the first time Sakurai has taken creative liberties with a character. But this time, it’s because of Nintendo’s intervention.

Yoshi’s original Final Smash? The cinematic portion isn’t entirely off. The massive pack of Yoshis charging was part of the original animation. But the rest of it was cut. All core Yoshi fans know that the two most defining traits of the whimsical green dinosaur are his appetite, and his voracious sex drive. Yoshis are capable of fucking for up to an entire week straight, which is why they have such copious calorie intakes. There’s no time to eat or drink if you’re in the middle of a two week long fuckfest. Yes, Yoshi’s original Final Smash was for him and his pack of Broshis to descend on their helpless enemy, ensnare the hapless fighter with their tongues, and engage in a violent gangbang dealing critical damage.

It only makes sense. Yoshi has never been some savage, lower creature. They’re intelligent pack animals. Just a couple of bros taking their latest victim to pound town, as Yoshis are known to do. That was literally the plot of Yoshi’s Story. Why would Yoshi have a fully rendered erect penis stored in the game’s files? Data miners have been able to pull snippets of code and animation from the game, but the full animation has yet to be discovered. Models for various characters in various positions are also being dug up, but not enough to reconstruct a possible scene.

uwu

Each character is also equipped with an “orgasm face”, though it appears the faces have been recycled to be used whenever they grab the “Spicy Curry” item. Except, the faces are labeled as part of Yoshi’s Final Smash in the game’s codes. Further proof that Nintendo has once again stepped all over a developer’s integrity for the sake of maintaining their image? I rest my case.

Data miners will continue to dig through the game’s code, unearthing more leftover tidbits of the Yoshi Gangbang that was stolen from us. One day, we may even have full animations for each character. Realistically, it’s on us. But one can only hope that perhaps if enough people complain about it on Twitter, maybe, just maybe, Nintendo may listen to our demands and patch the original back into the game.

Please, Nintendo. We all want to see Yoshi’s fat, dripping, dinosaur cock spread some plumber cheeks. It’s what every gamer has wanted to see since our childhoods. Give us gamers what we want.

PSA: If You Don’t Pet Your Pokémon In Let’s Go Pikachu And Eevee They Will Kill Themselves

Pokémon are cute and cuddly, most of the time. It’s no wonder why Nintendo keeps pushing the Tamagotchi-esque care mechanics into games. Starting with Pokémon-Amie in XY and finding its way into every game since, Nintendo wants trainers to be petting and feeding their Pokémon.

But the latest Pokémon title for the Nintendo Switch takes a much heavy-handed approach to the love and care portion of raising a Pokémon. Nintendo has opted to make bringing up a Pokémon a bit more “realistic” in terms of what they need to grow and flourish. Food, water, and shelter of course. If you don’t feed your Pokémon, they will eventually wither away and die. But they also crave love and belongingness, and without it they will grow up to be stunted and emotionally crippled beings.

The mechanics, which remained hidden for the first few weeks after the game’s release while the Pokémon in question brooded like ticking time bombs, began to surface late last week. With trainers finding their precious Pokémon broken, maimed, or poisoned in varying fashions. The Pokémon, starved of love and affection, will seek an escape from their cruel lives of imprisonment and isolation.

Oh my god no Pikachu don't do it

No no no this can’t be happening oh my God Pikachu stop please no don’t do it please Pikachu oh my God he can’t hear us I can’t believe this he’s gonna die Pikachu please don’t we love you oh my God I’m crying and shaking right now Pikachu don’t do it oh God oh fuck.

The horrible fates can be prevented, but only if you stop them in time. If you catch your Pikachu or Eevee about to overdose on heroin, make sure you stop them. But do it gently, remind them that you care. If you scold them or come across as accusatory they will only hide their intentions from you. They’re crying out for help, don’t punish them for it. Help them, please.

We can all help to prevent suicide. If you or a Pokémon you know is considering suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Suicide is never the answer, and together we can help those suffering from substance abuse and emotional distress.

Nintendo Announces Seinfeld Let’s Go Jerry And Newman

Nintendo has just been raking in the money ever since Pokémon Let’s Go hit the Nintendo Switch. Their fastest selling console, paired with their fastest selling franchise, has made Let’s Go one of Nintendo’s most popular games yet.

Many have argued over whether Let’s Go would be considered a “mainline” Pokémon game, a spin-off, or something in-between. Some have found the streamlined mechanics welcome, some long for a return to the complex yet bloated games of the past few generations. But now that the game has launched, and Nintendo has gotten a chance to look at the numbers, they’ve made their decision. We need more Let’s Go.

And we’re getting one, in an unexpected form. Let’s Go: Seinfeld. Similar to Nintendo’s “Yarn” series of games, which jumped from Kirby to Yoshi unexpectedly, “Let’s Go” has come to mean a style of games in itself to them.

Giddy up

The new pair of titles, which are actually officially dubbed “Seinfeld: Giddy Up Jerry” and “Seinfeld: Giddy Up Newman” will bring the casual, co-op exploration and simple mobile game-style touch and motion controlled gameplay to an all new world with brand new characters.

Players will be able to collect up George, Elaine, Kramer, and more as they venture far and wide. There will be Soup Nazis to vanquish, puffy shirts to wear, and shrinkage to avoid in a quest spanning many classic Seinfeld locales across time and space. You can give Kramer a gun. Get into a fist fight with a protester. Purchase an iPad. Go to a furry convention. Walk dogs at night so you don’t have to pick up their poop. Nintendo has truly taken a lot of liberties with the Seinfeld property.

Seinfeld: Giddy Up Jerry and Seinfeld: Giddy Up Newman are both dated for holiday of next year, and the next “real” Pokémon game has been pushed back indefinitely. Let’s Go is the Pokémon game we got for this generation. You better be happy with it.

Pokémon Let’s Go Confirms Identity of Ash’s Father And Here’s Why That’s Important

Pokémon Let’s Go finally launched, stirring up Pokémon fever once more. People are playing Pokémon Go again for the connectivity features, and Nintendo has been at work teasing new Pokémon to stir up hype for the inevitable full Pokémon RPG launching next year.

While there’s been some excitement revolving around the new Pokémon Meltan, the odd metal nut-like creature first revealed in Pokémon Go, Nintendo has made sure to not let their experimental half-step Switch title go to waste. Pokémon Let’s Go may not be the first “full-fledged console Pokémon RPG experience”, but it’s packed quite a bit of mechanical improvements and world lore all into its unexpectedly smooth Red and Blue remaster.

Catching mechanics are entirely different, building a competitive team is a bit more straightforward, and for the first time ever, the player trainer has a dad. That’s right. Ash has a father, and they’re in the game.

Papa

The enigmatic NPC does not do much but sit in the front room of the player’s house. If spoken to, they don’t respond with any sort of text, but will vibrate violently and activate the console’s rumble features. But otherwise, they do nothing.

Data miners have tried digging into the code to figure out what purpose he serves and if he does anything, and have discovered that he can be battled. His team consists of six Mega Rayquazas, which oddly breaks the game’s own rules of only allowing one Mega per team, and they are sent out already in their Mega form. Other than that, the mysterious NPC only raises more questions than he answers. At the very least, Pokemon fans now have some sort of clue to go on in terms of the mysteries surrounding Ash’s father.

Only time will tell what this means for Let’s Go players. Could this be hinting at DLC expansions? Will other regions’ Pokemon be introduced, if not at the very least Hoenn’s? Or are there secrets still hidden within the game that players have yet to uncover? Nintendo has refused to comment on the matter.