Newest Sonic Game Confirmed As “Sonic Forces”, Raises Speculation Of What He’s Forcing

I hope you like Sanic, because it’s gonna be a big year for him. Sonic Mania was pushed back to Summer, which is unfortunate, but Project Sonic 2017 finally got some official news.

The official name will be “Sonic Forces”, and there’s a brand new trailer to go along with that name.

It’s unclear what the name means from the trailer. It looks pretty cool, there’s a lot going on. Kinda reminds me of Sonic ’06 a little.

But what, exactly, is Sonic forcing? What is Sonic Forces? What does this name mean?

Is this gonna be a hybrid Sonic first-person shooter? Is he some kind of covert forces soldier? Or is “Forces” meant to imply that he’s forcing someone to do something? A lot of questions are raised by this name. “Generations” made sense, because it was all about how Sonic had inadvertently made an entire generation into furries. But Forces?

I decided to do a bit of investigative journalism, and used my expert hacking skills to find a Sega employee still logged into their Facebook when they walked away from their computer. I made sure to post statuses of how they were hacked, and made sure to announce how gay they were, but I also uncovered this bit of official concept art.

What Sonic is forcing?

From the looks of this official concept art, it looks like Sonic Forces is looking to recapture the furry demographic, as Sonic Generations and now Mania are meant to appeal to the unloved kids that grew up with a Sega console instead of a Nintendo.

If properly executed, and Sonic can somehow maintain every aspect of their fanbase, it may in turn become one of the most powerful franchises out there.

The Sonic ’06 influence from the trailer could well imply that Sonic Forces looks to explore the human princess on hedgehog bestiality romance concept from the past games, and may go as far as implementing a full-scale romance system. It’s gonna be very interesting to see what direction they take this one.

Sonic Forces will be coming out on Xbox One, PS4, and Switch later this year.

Nintendo Switch Is For Gaming, Not Beating Your Meat

If you were hoping to fire up the Switch’s internet browser on launch day and hit up PornHub to break it in, you’re gonna have to wait.

The latest word from Nintendo’s own president, whatever the fuck his name is, is that the Switch will be a dedicated video game platform at launch.

In an interview with some normie game journalism site, President Nintendo Man revealed that there won’t be too many non-gaming apps at launch. Netflix, Youtube, things like that aren’t a priority this time around, they’re just all working on the games instead.

Something as simple as an internet browser won’t even be one of them.

My favorite

This is a considerable downgrade from the Wii U, which had its own official PornHub support.

While it’s been stated that these apps will be added in updates after launch, it’s still a shame that I won’t be able to use my Switch the way I use my Wii U right away.

I’ll have to keep my Wii U around for porn until they patch in some decent apps, a RedTube app at least, if not XVIDEOS.

There’s a lot of potential there, though. Imagine, porn on the go or porn on the big screen. Seamlessly swapping from one to the other. You could start in your car, take it to the front porch, bang a few out in the kitchen or on the couch, take it to the bedroom and blow it up to the big screen for the big finish, then drag it to the shower with you for the after-party while you clean yourself off. This is really a revolution in fapping.

And for your information, yes, my therapist says I do have a masturbation problem. They’ve been trying to work with me to find the source of it and maybe treat it or something but I just keep going back so I can jack off in their coffee every time they leave the room.

Nintendo Has Gone Batshit Fucking Insane And Needs To Be Stopped

What the fuck, Nintendo? What the actual fuck? What the fuck did you think you were fucking doing? Do you think this is some kind of fucking game? Your fucking business is on the line here you rice-ass mother fuckers.

What is this? What the fuck do you call this?

You didn’t have a hard job. Announce Zelda. Announce Mario. Announce Mario Kart and Super Smash ports. Maybe sprinkle a little more in. Third party support. Give us the price point. A reasonable one. And you’re in. You did it.

And they did that. Kind of. They got the Zelda and the Mario. The rest of the games are kind of in there too. For the most part. But what the fuck is this shit?

I hate it

What’s this hipster-ass bullshit? Is this what we’ll be playing on our fucking rooftops when we’re at our little hipster get-togethers on top of random people’s fucking apartments? You know, like all the young folk do, just hanging out on top of a fucking apartment rooftop in the middle of the city, playing the Nintendo Switch.

1-2 Switch, one of the Switch’s few currently known launch titles, is a game about not looking at the TV. And quite frankly, I don’t want to look at any TV where this game is playing. I don’t want to look at this game. I don’t want it near me. Keep it away from me. I don’t like it.

This was the shit Nintendo opened up their conference with. This game, and some fucking demonstration about a glass of water with ice cubes in it. I don’t know, I guess there’s ice inside the new Wii remotes or something, I don’t really get it. There’s ice in the controllers, they run on ice cubes I guess. I don’t fucking know.

They opened up with a bunch of waggle games, and they kept me waiting. They kept me fucking waiting, and then they announced the real games. Super Mario, Splatoon, Xenoblade, Dragon Quest, a bunch of other RPG’s, a Fire Emblem Warriors game, a whole lot of stuff. But they had to open with fucking 1-2 Switch. They started on their weakest fucking note. And it’s not even a fucking pack-in title, apparently. Who’s gonna buy that shit? No one. No one is gonna buy that shit.

No one is gonna say “hey guys, you wanna play some 1-2 Switch, I brought my Nintendo Switch over”, that’s fucking gay. You know who says shit like that, the hipster-ass mother fuckers in the fucking trailer and promotional art. Nintendo is replacing Miis with hipsters. Everyone gets their own hipster avatar now.

And then there’s the fucking Arms game?

That’ll make for some interesting Rule 34 at least, but it’s all waggle controlled? There’s no real controls to it? I don’t like that. I don’t like that one bit. Don’t do that, Nintendo. Stop it. Right now.

It looks stupid. It looks like Overwatch, but with arms. Arms instead of butts. And I don’t have an arm fetish. You can’t really fuck arms. Some people, they have an armpit fetish. Some people like to fuck armpits. I’m not one of them. I don’t like armpits. They’re stinky and bad. I don’t like them.

It’s not even a launch game either, I don’t think. They didn’t say “launch”, they said “Spring 2017”. Who’s gonna want to buy this shit? The Wii died years ago. We’re two consoles ahead of it now. We’re on the Nintendo Switch now, not the Wii. You can’t just turn in a Wii game and call it a Switch game. This is garbage.

Not to mention the false advertising.

Where are my arms?

“Subscribe for more arms”. I subscribed. But I don’t have any more arms.

Am I supposed to grow them? Are they gonna be mailed to me? Where are my arms, Nintendo? If I don’t get them soon I swear to God I will unsubscribe. Don’t make me do it, Nintendo. Give me my arms.

Local Journalist Sucks Ass, Complains Online And Calls It “Video Game Journalism”

Breaking news, guys. Got some important stuff, hot off the presses. There’s a video game too hard for someone. Quick, someone. Call an adult. We need help here.

Wednesday, March 22nd at 1:30pm, a writer at infamous fake news website Kotaku wrote a very heartfelt “news article” about how hard a particular mission was in Zelda.

ono

Mr. Kotaku Fake Journalism Man goes on to list his many gripes with this particular mission. It’s too hard. He messed up too many times. It took way too long, and it was just very bad. Just the worst, and it took him over half an hour. Maybe more. He was very upset.

Upon reading this, I realized, hey, I’m also just entering this same part of the game in my Zelda playthrough. It just so happened, you know. A real coincidence. I was just exploring and boom. Forest. Right out of nowhere. So I figured, hey, let’s try out this really bad mission. Just to see what the big deal is, you know? May as well get it out of the way.

And I finished it. And to my surprise? It wasn’t even that bad. Maybe I was just better prepared for it? Maybe I was just better at it? Or… could it be… Kotaku, infamous fake news website, wrote another FAKE NEWS ARTICLE?????????

Hey, that's pretty good

The mission in question is a simple stealth mission. While not traditionally a stealth genre, Breath of the Wild actually features quite a bit of stealth options. Enemies can be stealth-killed, and you almost always have options to sneak away from enemies while exploring. So stealth isn’t something foreign to this game.

You follow this little green bitch through the forest, careful not to get caught. He leads you to a shrine. It’s a simple mission. Gonna say it probably took me about 5 to 10 minutes total, counting the two times I got caught. My bad. Whoops. Everyone makes mistakes.

The journalism man notes a number of flaws in the design of this mission. You can’t stray too far from the path, otherwise you get lost. You can’t get too close to the little green bitch because he’ll notice you, he blends in with the environment, and he also has some very strong views on immigration. Very bad flaws. But watch this.

Fake news alarm

Look how close I could get to this bitch. Like that close. I could lock onto him. You see that? So close. And all you gotta do, for the most part, is follow him in a straight line. You don’t need to stay a mile behind him. It’s common sense not to be directly behind him the entire time, but like, what the fuck. Kotaku is spreading fake news again.

The mission isn’t too hard at all. You just follow the little guy. If you pay attention to what he’s doing, it’s not hard. At one point, some tree branches fall down. He strays off the path to go investigate, and then returns to the path. He does, in fact, turn around and walk towards you at that point. But that’s not a problem, because there’s easy cover everywhere.

Uhhhh, hello? Trees and shit?

It’s a forest. Bitch, there’s trees. There’s trees all over. And is that guy so hard to spot? I don’t think he is. Maybe in a still picture, but when he’s waddling around? He’s really not. If you let him get too far, yeah. But if you get too close, the cursor automatically moves around him and like it shows where he is? It’s really not that hard. Unless maybe the fake news man needs new glasses? Maybe, just maybe, all of the fake news they’ve created have clouded their minds from the truth.

It does throw a couple curve balls at you with him suddenly getting scared and running toward you, and a wolf attacking. But like, that’s two things. Not several things that would cause someone to be stuck on a mission for almost an hour. It’s not a very long mission either. It takes a couple minutes to go through the course without messing up.

This guy is just really bad at games. That’s really all it boils down to. He just fucking sucks. Like, how can you be a real video game journalist, like me, and not be good at games? That’s like being a news reporter and being very bad at news. And you just write a whole article about how you’re bad at games? Where’s the ethics in video game journalism in that? There are none. I’ll tell you what. This man has no ethics in video game journalism. At all.

This is just all one big smear campaign, to try and mar the good name of the little green forest dude. Just because he’s green? Really, Kotaku? He’s just on his pilgrimage. It’s a part of his culture. The forest people are a religion of peace.

He might be like, an off-green color. He looks more like tree bark than a leaf. But you’re gonna discriminate against him because he’s not green-passing? That’s still racist, no matter what you think about green people being incapable of racism.

This is just another example of fake news sites sensationalizing something small like this, just to make a major article out of nothing. No, the forest people are not secretly terrorists, just because they fly everyone on their little pilgrimages. No, this particular forest person is not out to get you. He’s on his pilgrimage. And I’m sick and tired of all of these stereotypes dictating how you look at people.

The only reason this article was written was because Kotaku loves spreading fake news to delegitimize the forest people. It’s all to fit their sick agenda. Fake news like this should not be allowed, and I would request that everyone please report Kotaku’s articles to your parent or guardian as fake news so that someone can throw them all in jail already.

Journalism is a form of art. Not your tool to manipulate and control, Kotaku. And I refuse to stand for it.

Let’s Take A Moment To Talk About Jesus

Today is Easter, and I found it only fitting that we took a break from the video game journalism to reflect on Easter things. Like Jesus.

Jesus was a pretty cool guy. You know that? He was all about peace and love, man. He was all about understanding. But you know, I have a few issues with Jesus. I think He’s a little overrated. Which isn’t to say He isn’t cool. He was great, especially for His time. But I think more than a few improvements could definitely be made for Jesus 2: The Second Coming.

My main qualm with Jesus is that, for starters, I think he needs to upgrade to some more modern platforms. I can’t worship Jesus on my Xbox. What’s up with that? All sorts of retro stuff is on modern platforms. Would an HD release hurt so bad? Maybe a Bible reading app for the Nintendo Switch? I’m sure the tablet would work wonders as a virtual Bible.

Get with the times, man

Jesus is definitely a stronger protagonist than God from the first installment, he seems infinitely more enjoyable to immerse yourself in. But like, His moveset is a little weak. Turning people to pillars of salt and shit was badass, dude. If you were to tell me that Jesus was the main character of the sequel, it’s almost ridiculous to think they’re in the same series. It’s like going from Megaman X to Megaman. Which is a downgrade, you know. I think the third should definitely go back to the darker, grittier protagonist.

And you know, it wouldn’t be impossible to do, but I doubt they will. They keep hinting at Him coming back throughout His entire story, it’s like they’re practically forcing a sequel down our throat that we never even asked for. It’s like Teen Titans Go. No one wants it to come back, but somehow it just keeps happening. I blame the Catholics.

I think it may have something to do with the fractured fanbase. Kinda like Sonic the Hedgehog, you know? People just can’t agree on what direction to take it. Some people want that peaceful, happy Jesus stuff. But other people want that edgy stuff.

praise jesus

Now I also think this could be a prime time to really define Jesus’ character. Much like Sonic Adventure 2 leading into Shadow the Hedgehog. If we could get a standalone installment, only Jesus without any of those annoying followers and none of that healing bullshit, I think we could have a pretty great modern Jesus sequel.

Imagine, Jesus with no limits to His powers. No annoying story scenes or anything where it makes you lose a fight you could easily win but it doesn’t allow you to. Battles that you’re forced to lose are such an outdated concept. I want to see Jesus fuck up some Roman soldiers. Being forced to lose the final boss fight just for story purposes is unsatisfying, to say the least.

And the brutal difficulty is kind of a bitch. I mean, does literally everything have to trigger you to go down the evil path? What kind of broken karma system is that? I can’t even masturbate every once in a while without earning bad karma? It’s not even a real girl, it’s just a cartoon drawing. That can’t still count, can it?

kawaii

Still, Jesus really delivers a powerful narrative, and deserves all of the accolades He has been bestowed. He truly is a timeless classic, and even if no sequel is ever developed, I’m sure people will all be digging up their Bibles to enjoy some Jesus for years and years to come. I can only imagine the clamor they would cause if they ever came out with a miniature Jesus Classic. That would be an instant hit over the holidays. Great stocking stuffer, you know? All of those classic Jesus adventures, all in the palm of your hand.

Come on, Nintendo. You’re sitting on a ton of money here. Re-release Jesus already. It’s all you ever do anyway, isn’t it? Re-release old shit? Come on. Bring back Jesus, Miyamoto. Or at least put him in the next Smash. If you can put Duck Hunt Dog as a character, at least go with some real retro shit and put Jesus in.

These Joy-Cons Small As Fuck And Probably Won’t Make Good Sex Toys

I’ve had my Switch for about 2 days now, gotten some good playtime with it. And I have to say, the hardware is very nice so far. Screen is surprisingly good quality, you know, for a Nintendo console. Leagues ahead of the calculator display that the 3DS had.

It really is pretty seamless to go from handheld mode to TV mode. Haven’t used the other mode yet, where you can play on the little screen? I haven’t found the opportunity to do so yet. It all seems like some decent hardware, which is surprising for Nintendo. This might be their most high-end console yet. And that’s saying something. It’s a toy, but it’s a very fancy toy.

The controllers are a little tiny though. The Joy-Cons. The ones with the fancy rumble in them, the little parts that snap into the things. They’re pretty small. I don’t think they’d work very well as dildos, at least not without the vibrate cranked up.

Small

These guys are about 4 inches, so they were probably made with the Japanese market in mind. Got the average Asian length going. Joy-Cons are interchangeable though, so I can totally see them making some in larger sizes. Maybe an extra large, with some fancy bumps and shit. That’d be cool.

Not for me, though. I’m straight. Haha. Yeah, not for me. It’s for, you know. The girls. Not me. I just, you know. I was a little surprised by the size of the controllers is all. It’s like you’re playing with two little Asian penises. I knew they’d be small, but like, they’re pretty small. They feel much more comfortable in the grip that comes with the console.

I’m not some kind of computer science man, so the graphics and shit, that all looks great to me. All of the games I’ve played look very nice, there’s probably some kind of jiggaflops or something going on in that machine. Overall, very happy with it. Very good quality Nintendo toy. The cartridges are really tiny, and supposedly come in different flavors. My copy of Zelda was Buttered Popcorn-flavored, and my copy of Bomberman was Boston Cream Pie.

Caution, watch out for these

It’s been reported that the Nintendo Switch really doesn’t like aquariums, and users will experience connectivity issues if one is nearby or even mentioned. I hadn’t felt any strange connection issues personally, but I tried asking my Switch what its favorite fish was out of curiosity. It got up and smashed every window in my house, so that’s probably an issue Nintendo needs to patch.

Their choice to go with buttons instead of a classic Nintendo D-pad seems dumb to me, but I can see why they did it. That’s about my only complaint so far with the console.

I’m still getting comfy with my Switch, already dropped it once. But I can say, I like it so far. UI could use some updates and improvements, it’s pretty basic right now. Clean, easy, but basic. I think it has a lot of potential though. We’ll just have to see how well it does. I think Nintendo might have finally not fucked up, for once. Not a huge fuck up, at least. Maybe a few tiny ones here and there, but nothing that can’t be fixed.

Metroid Prime 4 Delayed Because Samus Is On Heroin

The Nintendo Switch has been a runaway success thanks to its steady stream of quality content. Zelda, Mario, Smash Bros, and more have all graced the console, providing one classic Nintendo experience after another. But it looks as if the Switch may have hit its first bump in the road.

One of Nintendo’s major franchises, Metroid, has hit an unexpected delay. Metroid Prime 4 development has come to a screeching halt, thanks to Samus’ crippling heroin addiction. Yes, that’s right.

Samus is on heroin. The iconic bounty hunter and femme fatale was hospitalized after a near fatal heroin overdose, and she seems to have no plans on seeking help, much to Nintendo’s dismay. While they’ve been trying to help her through rehab, it’s been an incredibly rough road, and she’s already relapsed several times.

The only statement we could get

We attempted to reach out to Samus to get some news on if she would be returning to continue her work on Metroid Prime 4, but the statement and photo above was all we could get from her.

Nintendo has said work on Metroid Prime 4 would continue after development “reboots”, but we have no clue what that means. Perhaps they’ll find a leading actress that is not on heroin. We have no clue. We can only wait with bated breath for the next Nintendo Direct.

There is no date or even an idea for when the next Nintendo Direct may be. The ball is in Nintendo’s court with this one. Metroid Prime 4 was previously slated for this year, but the date seems to be up in the air now.