BREAKING: Bernie Sanders Is Sans Undertale

Bernie Sanders has been hard at work on the campaign trail, trying to find the path to the nomination for the 2016 2020 election. There is still a chance he can win, despite Hillary Clinton Joe Biden having all of the super-delegates. He’s going to have them, we already know.

While Bernie’s grassroots efforts didn’t snag him the nomination last time, and forfeiting to the establishment really didn’t win him over with his supporters, Bernie has revealed that this time around he will not be a pushover, and he will make sure the Democratic Party that wronged him and all of the billionaires have a bad time.

“It’s a beautiful day outside… birds are chipping flowers are blooming… in days like these.. billionaires like you……. should be burning in hell.” Bernie opened up his latest press conference. Then his eye turned blue, and he revealed that he was in fact Sans Undertale.

Bernie Sansders has created a personal hitlist of every billionaire and politician that has wronged him, and he is going to dispose of them all. Nothin’ personnel, kid.

Joe Biden is expected to win the nomination by a landslide victory.

The Pokémon Company: Hatsune Miku Will Not Be In Pokémon Sword And Shield

The upcoming installment in the ever-popular Pokémon franchise, Sword and Shield, has been met with mixed reactions. Nintendo has been switching up the formula, and not everyone likes it.

First they took away the National Dex, then they took away Mega Evolutions and replaced it with the new “Gigamax” system. Some people love it, some hate it. As a massively bloated franchise, it’s impossible to please everyone.

But they’ve just come out with yet another announcement. Hatsune Miku will not be featured in this installment of the Pokémon franchise.

Do you see Hatsune Miku in this screenshot? No? That’s because she’s not in this game. They’ve already said so, it’s official. Sword and Shield will feature the largest map of any Pokémon game, and through all of those virtual acres you will never find Hatsune Miku.

At this point, it really feels like they’re just stripping more and more features from this game. It’s beginning to to feel like they’re just going to ship the most bare-bones product imaginable. Pokémon has a problem as a franchise with how massive it’s gotten, but is this really the best way to fix things?

We’ll just have to wait and see if Nintendo feels the pressure or not. The consumers will vote with their wallets. Pokémon Sword and Shield are currently dated for November 15th.

Lil Wayne To Play Toad In Upcoming Super Mario 64 HD Remake

There’s been serious controversy lately on white washing characters and having proper representation of minorities in media. Disney’s upcoming remake of The Little Mermaid, and various debates over Pokémon Gym Leaders have ravaged the internet.

Nintendo, ever the conservative company, has been taking steps to broaden their appeal to a wider demographic. They’ve been including more diverse characters in their games, and have been catering to other audiences besides autistic white children.

Their latest push, making Toad black. In their upcoming live action remake of Super Mario 64, using face rendering tech similar to what Kojima used to put Norman Reedus into Death Stranding, Toad will be played by Lil Wayne. Super Mario himself will be played by Danny Devito.

This drastic shift for the Mushroom Kingdom cast will no doubt stir controversy, but Nintendo is already prepped for such a backlash.

“If you look at it, I think Toad has always been a black character” said Miyamoto, who will be overseeing the new project. “Toad has always been a character that has faced great hardships, and has bounced back. In the original Super Mario, Goombas were just Toads that were enslaved with Bowser’s magic. And Bowser is definitely white.”

Super Mario 64 HD will be a Nintendo Switch Lite exclusive and launch with the console exclusively. If you attempt to put the game chip into a regular Switch, you will be charged with a hate crime.

All Nintendo Switch Lites Come Packaged With Sixty Pounds Of Cocaine

Rumors have been circulating around that Nintendo has several new design iterations of their popular Switch console in development. And with high profile titles like Animal Crossing and Pokémon Sword and Shield on their way, it makes sense they’d unveil one of them for the holiday season.

The new Switch Lite, which forsakes all console elements in favor of a sleek, portable design, will be the perfect alternative for people that prefer to game on the go. The cheaper price point will also serve as a much more accessible entry point for small children, since their parents don’t love them as much.

The Switch Lite also comes with sixty (60) pounds of cocaine.

The consoles will come in blue, yellow, and gray. In one fell swoop, Nintendo has made the Switch Lite this holiday’s hottest new console.

The Switch Lite releases September 20th and retails for $199.99 USD.

Report: Gooigi Is Made Out Of Cum

Luigi’s Mansion 3 has been announced, and Nintendo has been slowly pulling away the curtain on the secrets the game will hold. New characters, new game mechanics, they’re really going all out with this installment.

But one of the most popular new additions has been the new Gooigi feature. Gooigi, Luigi’s gooey doppelganger, will be playable for co-op and can be used to solve various puzzles.

The internet quickly became enamored with the gooey green boy, so the developers agreed to sit down and tell us more about Gooigi and the roles he’ll play in Luigi’s Mansion 3.

“Gooigi is a semi-solid mass, not like slime, but more like a gummy worm. One could easily take a bite out of him. Gooigi was created by Professor E. Gadd after accidentally cumming in a ghost. The cum, mixed with ghostly ectoplasm, birthed Gooigi as an infant child, and he suckled at E. Gadd’s teat until he grew to his adult size.” Luigi’s Mansion director Yoshihito Ikebata told us in an exclusive interview.

“While he is identical to Luigi, right down to each individual strand of gummy hair on his moustache, his lack of muscle, bone, joints, and flesh means that he can do things Luigi can’t. For example, even though he and Luigi have identically long, girthy schlongs, Gooigi can bend and control his freely. He can grasp objects with his manhood, like switches and levers, or lift heavy objects that Luigi can’t. These elements will be present in the game’s many puzzles.”

When asked what flavor Gooigi would taste like, since they mentioned him being edible, they said “cum”.

Luigi’s Mansion 3 is currently dated for 2019.