I Want To Impregnate Tulsi Gabbard

Please God, I want to impregnate Tulsi Gabbard so bad. I want her to bear my children with those beautiful child-bearing hips. That beautiful, radiant white angel. Like a goddess, having come down to Earth to cleanse us of our sins.

Tulsi Gabbard is beyond divine. I can’t help but drop to my knees in worship whenever I see her beautiful figure. I yearn for her in a way both primal and spiritual. I would commit more war crimes than every president in United States history just to lick the sweet, glistening sweat from her smooth, creamy skin. I want to listen to her moans as my manhood throbs within her, I want to hear her heart race as our bodies become one and our souls irreversibly intertwine in the holy sin of carnal union.

I want to suckle at her motherly bosom, slurping that rich coconut milk from her teat as she gently strokes my raging erection. I would stir her velvety Samoan cream into my coffee and let my balls boil in it. Her cries of pleasure and the rocking of our bed would be louder than the cacophony of ten thousand drone strikes. I would make love to her until my body gave out, and then some. I would let her break my rib cage with any part of her body. I would let her hit me with her car just to be near her for a brief moment.

She’s so perfect it hurts. Every moment without her I suffer a pain worse than breaking every bone in my body simultaneously while drowning and also having shards of glass coated in hot sauce forced through every orifice of my body. I want her, I need her. I want to desecrate her pure, white pantsuit. I want to start a family with her and retire after our twenty seven children have grown up and moved out. I want to see those luscious lips speak such filthy, perverse words into my ear while she slides ice cubes down my gaping pisshole.

I want to fuck her like she owes me money. I would let her step on me, just to feel the soft, firm warmth of her feet upon my face and groin area. I would sleep under her just to catch her drool in my mouth. I would fish the strands of hair from her shower drain just to smell her alluring scent, and braid them into necklaces to keep her with me always. Or cock rings. Whichever would please her more.

God please, I would do anything for her. I would relinquish my life, all my hopes and dreams, just to become the socks on her feet so that I may warm her mouthwatering toes with my very being, so that she may feel the heat of my love always. I would encase myself in cement and become her doorstep, so that she may wipe her heels upon my face. I would tear my own limbs off. I don’t know what I’d do after that, or why she might want my limbs. But I would do it.

My queen, my goddess, the light of my life. Please God, let me have her. I want her to be mine and only mine. I would lick the Doritos dust from her fingers and fill her belly button with honey mustard to dip my tendies in. I would give her a sponge-bath with my tongue every morning and serve her breakfast in bed. I would let her eat her eggs and pancakes off my body if it pleased her, no matter how painful the third-degree burns would be.

I would bear the torment of eternal damnation until the end of time to taste the seat of her car but once. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her, nothing I wouldn’t say. I would beat my own mother to death with my engorged penis if it would bring a smile to Tulsi’s shining face. I wouldn’t even let myself cum until she gave me permission.

I love you, Tulsi Gabbard. Please. Be mine. Be my wife, my lover, my everything. Say yes. I see it in your eyes, when you’re up there on that debate stage talking about Syria or whatever. Answer my calls, respond to my letters. Something. Give me a sign, Tulsi. I’m waiting for you.

I’ll always be waiting for you.

Tragic: Man Unable To Come Out As Gay After Calling “No Homo Infinity”

While it’s slowly been falling out of practice in our much more accepting society, the calling of “No Homo” before committing a deed with homo tendencies is as old as being homo itself.

But tragedy struck when a man, wanting to come out as gay, found himself unable to thanks to prior actions. In his foolish youth, he called “No Homo Infinity” while sucking his bro’s dick. With the “infinity” perpetuating his “no homo” indefinitely, no matter how much he attempts to yes homo, the no homo effect makes it null and void.

The case has gained enough traction online and gotten enough support for the matter to be taken up with the Supreme Court. LGBT demonstrations have rallied for the “No Homo Infinity” to be overruled, but justice has yet to be done.

“Well, with the infinity on there, theoretically there’s nothing we can do. You’ve made your choice, and you need to stick with it.” Someone with a blue checkmark that doesn’t really matter said on Twitter. Another replied back, “Love is love, and he has the right to contradict infinity if he wants to.”

The Supreme Court has yet to make any comments or rulings on the matter.

Shenron: “Dragon Balls Do Not Have Power To Impeach Trump”

The Democratic Party is back to square one now it seems in their quest to impeach President Donald Trump. There have been talks since 2016 of impeachment, and though they’ve been hard at work for the past few years, there still no results.

The latest plan seemed like it had just reached fruition, as Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton set off to collect the Dragon Balls and have Trump banished for good. But in a disappointing twist, the great dragon Shenron informed us that the Dragon Balls do not have the power to grant that wish.

Shenron has refused to cooperate with the impeachment case, and sources say Shenron himself may have ties to Russia.

An anonymous whistle-blower has leaked that Shenron allegedly granted a wish to Vladimir Putin to have Crimea. Clearly this wish worked, because Crimea was annexed and we all just kinda let that happen. Not even a drone strike.

The Democratic Party is now seeking to have Shenron himself impeached, and they’ve proposed that Bill Clinton take the seat instead.

Shenron has yet to comment on these allegations.

Greta Thunberg Takes Aim At Goku And Friends: “Stop Destroying Planets”

Greta Thunberg has captured the entire globe’s attention, telling world leaders around the Americas and Europe but definitely not China to straighten up their act and finally take some decisive action against climate change. The kid prodigy has bravely done what no one else had the balls to do, and now she’s set her sights on an even greater goal.

“Earth is only the beginning, we should be protecting every planet in the universe. How many times are we going to blow up Planet Namek? We cannot rely on the Dragon Balls forever, they can’t fix everything. They have limits.” said Thunberg, in a stunning call-out of Earth’s so-called “heroes”.

According to NASA findings, Earth will be a barren husk of rock and dust if Goku and/or Vegeta get into one more fight, with each other or some other monstrosity. They are solely responsible for destroying more mountains, forests, and land masses than any country, and have left more smoldering craters in Earth and many other planets than a meteor shower.

The findings only get worse when you factor in that it was uncovered in the recent FBI probe that Goku has ties with Frieza, former self-instated universal fascist emperor. Frieza has destroyed multiple planets on his own, and Goku was apparently well aware of this fact before teaming up with and aligning himself with fascism.

“The planet can’t take anymore of these fights. If we allow the toxic masculinity and culture of war that these white men perpetuate, there won’t be any home for my generation and the ones after us.” Thunberg said in a United Nations climate change conference.

Goku has yet to respond, but the UN has voted unanimously to bar Goku from fighting ever again, and has appointed the much less destructive Yamcha to be Earth’s defender.