Prince Philip On Loose After Release From Hospital, First Bite Victim Comes Forward

Britain’s Prince Philip was released from the hospital in time for the holidays, and was allowed to spend time with the rest of the royal family for Christmas. But they may not be spending New Years together, at least not among the living.

On Christmas morning, we got reports that one of his attendants was bitten while trying to put his Christmas socks on. You know, the ones you always get as a gift from your parents that no one actually wears? They tried to make him wear them, and he didn’t like that.

The first bite victim unfortunately could not answer any questions because their skin is now peeling off and they’re foaming at the mouth. But authorities have been struggling to contain both them and Prince Philip himself.

As of right now, we’ve yet to hear anything more from the royal family, and local law enforcement have had a hard time keeping up communication with us. But the authorities have gotten the Special Tactics and Rescue Service involved to quarantine the United Kingdom and make sure this plague doesn’t extend to any other parts of the world.

No one is quite sure what kind of unspeakable disease Prince Philip may have developed. Perhaps it has something to do with whatever unholy black magic they’ve been using to keep him alive. Maybe it has something to do with Prince Andrew and Jeffrey Epstein sacrificing child sex slaves to Moloch. We’ll never truly know for sure.

All we know is that prayers are all we have in this darkest hour of humanity. Please God, have mercy on our souls.

Nancy Pelosi Will Pop Her Pussy On Senate Floor To Impeach Trump

Donald Trump’s impeachment has been all over the news lately. The Democrats have finally moved to impeach, and the House has ruled in favor of impeachment. There’s still the issue of pushing it through the Senate, which will prove to be tricky considering the GOP holds a majority.

But Nancy Pelosi still has one trick up her sleeve that she’s been saving for this exact moment. Her entire life has been leading up to this fateful stand-off, and she will put her entire life on the line to finish this battle. Nancy Pelosi will pop her pussy to impeach Trump.

This gorgeous brunette milf will sway the hearts and minds of the whole Senate with her body. She has been practicing for this, every day of her life. She does kegels constantly. She could peel an onion with her vagina muscles. Every Thanksgiving, she makes mashed potatoes from scratch by inserting them into her sopping wet slit.

Nancy Pelosi’s pussy doesn’t just pop, Nancy Pelosi’s pussy snaps and crackles too. She has such powerful and precise control over her muscles, she can fire projectiles from her coochie at lethal speeds. She could pitch an entire baseball game using only her cunt, and she wouldn’t even break a sweat.

Nancy Pelosi won’t just pop her pussy on the Senate floor, she currently has the articles of impeachment stored up there, and she will hand-deliver them right to the Senate. But with her vagina.

Drumpf is finally finished, once and for all. There’s no chance that he can survive this. The seven trumpets of the apocalypse have been sounded, by one mature, dark-haired angel. That’s right, Nancy quite literally blew seven trumpets with her vagina. That is how powerful she is.

This is not Orange Man’s America anymore. The future is female.

Just Because The House Voted To Impeach Trump, Doesn’t Mean The Senate Has Found A Peach Big Enough To Put Him In, Says Trump Advisor

Ever since the 2016 election, the Democrats have been pushing to get Trump impeached from office. And here we are, about to enter 2020, and they’ve finally done it. The House has ruled to impeach Trump. Orange Man is officially bad, it’s now on paper.

Or at least, that’s what the mainstream media has been pushing down everyone’s throats, with their narratives and ulterior motives. But the truth of the matter is, according to one of Trump’s advisors, that the impeachment still needs to go through the Senate. And they haven’t even found a big enough peach to put him in.

The record for the world’s largest peach only puts it at about three times the size of an average peach. Donald Trump, on the other hand, is 6’3″. There is no way he would be able to fit in it. They would need an exponentially larger peach to contain him, and at this current date nothing of that size has been found.

The resources needed to grow such a peach would be absurd, and we don’t even know if it’d even be possible. Are we really willing to spend taxpayer dollars on researching how to grow a 7 foot tall peach? Is that really what the Democrats want right now, when we should be embezzling money to Israel?

Sorry libtards, it’s just not gonna happen. Donald Trump will never be put inside a peach, and there’s nothing you can do about it. If you don’t like it, we’ll ship you back over the border to California. America is Trump country now, and he is our president.

Nintendo Announces Paid Premium Subscription To Restore All Cut Pokémon From Sword And Shield

When Nintendo first announced Pokémon Sword and Shield, they were met with mixed reactions. A lot of things were changing, and not all of them seemed to be for the better. Less Pokémon, less content, seemingly the same level of graphics we’d grown to expect from a 3DS game, something just wasn’t adding up.

But there’s no longer a need to worry, Game Freak and Nintendo have just dropped some major news. All of the things they fucked up on, it’ll all be fixed as long as you pay for their new monthly premium Pokémon experience.

With the newly announced Pokémon Master Pass, players will be able to capture, train, and battle all 890+ Pokémon in the National Dex, as well as access a number of other features only available to Master Pass owners.

“We realize that many Pokémon fans are unhappy with the current experience. However, please understand that designing and animating over one thousand different models is extremely time-consuming. But with this new paid premium membership, we will be able to afford the coke and prostitutes necessary to keep studio morale up in order to make our vision possible. Please understand” Junichi Masuda, producer of Sword and Shield, told us in an exclusive interview.

While the primary benefit of unlocking the National Dex seems to be the main pull, many other quality of life additions will be made, including offering higher resolution textures, and being taken off of the government watch list for jerking off to cartoon children.

The Master Pass will be released early Spring 2020, just in time to keep you busy until the next game is announced and rushed through production for next year’s holiday season.