All posts by Lord Waffle King

Mothman Is Real And He’s Trying To Drug My Food With Estrogen To Make Me A Femboy Cumslut

What is a soul? What does it mean to carry on a legacy, a lineage? The deep, metaphorical themes that intertwine with the stories of our life?

Do my memories make me who I am? The way I think? The way I look? The thematic elements of my soul’s journey?

Whatever it is, Fallout 76 fucked up everything and is complete and utter dogshit.

Fallout 76 is a poorly put together shitstack cobbled out of regurgitated Bethesda assets. Bethesda does not actually know how to make games, they only know how to make one game, and Fallout 76 is a badly made version of that game.

I don’t like to beat dead horses. I don’t like to circlejerk. I didn’t want to be part of the circlejerk. I was hoping to give Fallout 76 a fair chance, I wanted to analyze it and understand its flaws. I wanted to break it down as I would any other game and judge it based on its own merits. But it’s literally just a shitty Bethesda game. All of the flaws from every Bethesda game, but now all boiled down into one big cancerous Bethesda tumor.

I was hopeful. “Massively multiplayer Fallout Battle Royale” was a good hook. It really was. I liked the idea of dicking around in a Fallout world with friends. I was actually kind of excited for it. I loved a lot of controversial installments in other franchises. The Legend of Zelda: Triforce Heroes boils down what makes Zelda games fun into a multiplayer experience. Super Paper Mario, while not a traditional Paper Mario RPG, fully captures the charm of the Paper Mario games. Fallout 76 doesn’t really do anything for the franchise.

It doesn’t capture what makes the Fallout universe compelling, and it really doesn’t function well as either an RPG or a shooter. So what was the point of the game? Who was it made for? It wasn’t made to satisfy fans of Fallout’s gameplay or charm. It wasn’t made for fans of RPG games, or shooters. And while it functions as a mediocre online game, I wouldn’t even recommend it as something to play with friends.

No, Fallout 76 was made for two groups. The people in suits, and the weak-jawed bugmen that collect shitty mass-produced plastic figures because they have a certain character or series on them. The worshippers of new age brand cults, the religions of the commercial capitalist age, dedicating their lives to the escapist fantasies that line the pockets of the people in suits. Fallout 76 was made to sell toys, and t-shirts. It was made to be another installment for the bugmen to collect and another product for the suits to ship.

“But it’s fun with friends” is the only defense that Fallout 76 players can really stand behind, and even then, it’s not a good one. Everything is better with friends.

Every video game in the history of video games is better with friends. When they played with rocks and sticks before they invented better games? Better with friends. Playing freeze tag in traffic? Better with friends. Drinking to drown out the dark cloud of misery and sorrow hanging over you ever since your wife took the kids and half of everything you own? Better with friends. Getting jumped by human traffickers in South America and sold into slavery? Better with friends.

The online multiplayer market isn’t just ripe with games to play, it’s oversaturated. There’s too many online games to play, and they’re all trying to throw some vague novelty your way to keep you invested long enough to pay for some microtransactions. With so many games trying their hardest to be relevant for their fifteen seconds of fame, why would you give your attention to Fallout 76 just because it has Fallout in the name?

Why would you do Fallout the disservice of supporting a shallow cash grab when you’re only encouraging Bethesda to whore it out more? Is the Star Wars Holiday Special a true Star Wars movie? When they drop the Holiday Special from the lore and bury their embarrassment in the annals of history, is it still Star Wars? What makes it any different from my fanfiction where Darth Vader uses the force choke on Chewbacca’s red, throbbing dick? If I’m more faithful to the lore, and more respectful to the spirit of Star Wars, what makes my work less Star Wars than the Holiday Special?

What is it that separates us, the fans and the suits? Paperwork, red tape, legislature, and legalese that break down the concept of idea ownership. But should ideas truly be owned? To whom should the future of a franchise be entrusted to? Do fans that complain of Bethesda maiming and driving Fallout into the ground have the right, the same way Tumblr cretins have the right to disfigure characters into engorged, racially ambiguous reflections of the inner workings of their autism?

Would Fallout’s lore, and the lore of many other franchises be treated better if they were allowed to lapse into public domain? Perhaps.

And perhaps one day my mature reboot of the Thomas the Tank Engine world and its lore will be accepted as canon. In a perfect world, my trainsona will finally hack that asshole Gordon in half with his katana.

Nintendo: Captain Falcon Is Bill From King Of The Hill, No New Game Coming

Out of all of Nintendo’s many franchises, one of the most requested that’s been out of the picture for quite a while is F-Zero. There’s been nothing but cameos and guest appearances for the star, Captain Falcon.

Today, Nintendo confirmed that the reason for this is because Captain Falcon is Bill Dauterive from King of the Hill. This important story development can’t be addressed however, because they do not have the rights to King of the Hill.

Nintendo lost the rights to King of the Hill when Microsoft acquired Rare in 2002, which threw a wrench in the narrative of the F-Zero series.

Captain Falcon will unmask himself as Bill after the events of the last F-Zero title, but this development in the story has been put on hold indefinitely.

Miyamoto has gone on record saying that he refuses to budge on this, and is not willing to change the F-Zero lore to accommodate this.

F-Zero has been shelved, seemingly forever, and will probably not get another installment unless Nintendo reacquires the rights to King of the Hill, or works out some kind of licensing deal.

BREAKING: The GameStop Girl Showed Me Basic Human Kindness, See You Later Virgins

Guys you’re never gonna believe this the girl at GameStop smiled at me I think this is getting serious.

Every weekend I go to GameStop to check out the latest games and make payments on all of my pre-orders. I don’t believe in pre-ordering games, but they never have enough copies of my JRPG’s if I don’t pre-order them so I’ve been forced to. And in the process I’ve built up a relationship with the cute cashier girl that works there.

I’m pretty sure her hair smells like strawberry but I’ve never gotten close enough to smell it.

I’m sure she noticed how much money I was spending and I definitely impressed her with my knowledge of Blazblue lore. I explained the whole plot for her and I could tell she was enthralled. As I was leaving today she smiled and told me to have a nice day, and she remembered my name.

We’ve been dating like this for at least a few months now so I’m pretty sure this is serious now. I don’t know where to go from here, but we’ll definitely be getting intimate soon.

The date that we’ll be having s*x is still unknown but I will keep you guys updated, maybe. If I’m not too busy having lots of s*x with my hot GameStop girlfriend. See you later virgins.

Microsoft: With Next-Gen Xbox You Will Be Able To Listen To Cortana Pissing

Rumors have begun circulating about the next-generation of console gaming. The Playstation 4 and Xbox One have been out for quite a while, and their successors are no doubt on the horizon.

Sony has dropped hints about the Playstation 5, promising to blow their competition out of the water and provide the most powerful console experience we’ve ever seen. Which, you know, you’d expect from a next-generation video game console. They never promise a weaker system, do they? Microsoft, on the other hand, have managed to get a leg up with their lofty promises.

The next Xbox? You’ll be able to listen to Cortana pissing, in all her glory.

“With the new Project Scarlett headset, you’ll be able to activate Cortana at any time, and listen to her piss. It’ll sound like chicken is frying, right in your ear.” Xbox’s head Phil Spencer promised in an exclusive interview.

“Sometimes gaming can get stressful. We need a break. We need a drink. Something to refresh us. And we think Cortana should be the one to provide it.” He went on, detailing how hundreds of women have been recorded pissing to get the sound design just right. We’re talking next-gen piss ambiance.

There is still so much for us to learn about both the PS5 and Xbox Scarlett, but if this is how Microsoft is stepping up to the plate Sony had better not let this crucial moment slip.

BREAKING: Bernie Sanders Is Sans Undertale

Bernie Sanders has been hard at work on the campaign trail, trying to find the path to the nomination for the 2016 2020 election. There is still a chance he can win, despite Hillary Clinton Joe Biden having all of the super-delegates. He’s going to have them, we already know.

While Bernie’s grassroots efforts didn’t snag him the nomination last time, and forfeiting to the establishment really didn’t win him over with his supporters, Bernie has revealed that this time around he will not be a pushover, and he will make sure the Democratic Party that wronged him and all of the billionaires have a bad time.

“It’s a beautiful day outside… birds are chipping flowers are blooming… in days like these.. billionaires like you……. should be burning in hell.” Bernie opened up his latest press conference. Then his eye turned blue, and he revealed that he was in fact Sans Undertale.

Bernie Sansders has created a personal hitlist of every billionaire and politician that has wronged him, and he is going to dispose of them all. Nothin’ personnel, kid.

Joe Biden is expected to win the nomination by a landslide victory.

The Pokémon Company: Hatsune Miku Will Not Be In Pokémon Sword And Shield

The upcoming installment in the ever-popular Pokémon franchise, Sword and Shield, has been met with mixed reactions. Nintendo has been switching up the formula, and not everyone likes it.

First they took away the National Dex, then they took away Mega Evolutions and replaced it with the new “Gigamax” system. Some people love it, some hate it. As a massively bloated franchise, it’s impossible to please everyone.

But they’ve just come out with yet another announcement. Hatsune Miku will not be featured in this installment of the Pokémon franchise.

Do you see Hatsune Miku in this screenshot? No? That’s because she’s not in this game. They’ve already said so, it’s official. Sword and Shield will feature the largest map of any Pokémon game, and through all of those virtual acres you will never find Hatsune Miku.

At this point, it really feels like they’re just stripping more and more features from this game. It’s beginning to to feel like they’re just going to ship the most bare-bones product imaginable. Pokémon has a problem as a franchise with how massive it’s gotten, but is this really the best way to fix things?

We’ll just have to wait and see if Nintendo feels the pressure or not. The consumers will vote with their wallets. Pokémon Sword and Shield are currently dated for November 15th.

Lil Wayne To Play Toad In Upcoming Super Mario 64 HD Remake

There’s been serious controversy lately on white washing characters and having proper representation of minorities in media. Disney’s upcoming remake of The Little Mermaid, and various debates over Pokémon Gym Leaders have ravaged the internet.

Nintendo, ever the conservative company, has been taking steps to broaden their appeal to a wider demographic. They’ve been including more diverse characters in their games, and have been catering to other audiences besides autistic white children.

Their latest push, making Toad black. In their upcoming live action remake of Super Mario 64, using face rendering tech similar to what Kojima used to put Norman Reedus into Death Stranding, Toad will be played by Lil Wayne. Super Mario himself will be played by Danny Devito.

This drastic shift for the Mushroom Kingdom cast will no doubt stir controversy, but Nintendo is already prepped for such a backlash.

“If you look at it, I think Toad has always been a black character” said Miyamoto, who will be overseeing the new project. “Toad has always been a character that has faced great hardships, and has bounced back. In the original Super Mario, Goombas were just Toads that were enslaved with Bowser’s magic. And Bowser is definitely white.”

Super Mario 64 HD will be a Nintendo Switch Lite exclusive and launch with the console exclusively. If you attempt to put the game chip into a regular Switch, you will be charged with a hate crime.

All Nintendo Switch Lites Come Packaged With Sixty Pounds Of Cocaine

Rumors have been circulating around that Nintendo has several new design iterations of their popular Switch console in development. And with high profile titles like Animal Crossing and Pokémon Sword and Shield on their way, it makes sense they’d unveil one of them for the holiday season.

The new Switch Lite, which forsakes all console elements in favor of a sleek, portable design, will be the perfect alternative for people that prefer to game on the go. The cheaper price point will also serve as a much more accessible entry point for small children, since their parents don’t love them as much.

The Switch Lite also comes with sixty (60) pounds of cocaine.

The consoles will come in blue, yellow, and gray. In one fell swoop, Nintendo has made the Switch Lite this holiday’s hottest new console.

The Switch Lite releases September 20th and retails for $199.99 USD.

Report: Gooigi Is Made Out Of Cum

Luigi’s Mansion 3 has been announced, and Nintendo has been slowly pulling away the curtain on the secrets the game will hold. New characters, new game mechanics, they’re really going all out with this installment.

But one of the most popular new additions has been the new Gooigi feature. Gooigi, Luigi’s gooey doppelganger, will be playable for co-op and can be used to solve various puzzles.

The internet quickly became enamored with the gooey green boy, so the developers agreed to sit down and tell us more about Gooigi and the roles he’ll play in Luigi’s Mansion 3.

“Gooigi is a semi-solid mass, not like slime, but more like a gummy worm. One could easily take a bite out of him. Gooigi was created by Professor E. Gadd after accidentally cumming in a ghost. The cum, mixed with ghostly ectoplasm, birthed Gooigi as an infant child, and he suckled at E. Gadd’s teat until he grew to his adult size.” Luigi’s Mansion director Yoshihito Ikebata told us in an exclusive interview.

“While he is identical to Luigi, right down to each individual strand of gummy hair on his moustache, his lack of muscle, bone, joints, and flesh means that he can do things Luigi can’t. For example, even though he and Luigi have identically long, girthy schlongs, Gooigi can bend and control his freely. He can grasp objects with his manhood, like switches and levers, or lift heavy objects that Luigi can’t. These elements will be present in the game’s many puzzles.”

When asked what flavor Gooigi would taste like, since they mentioned him being edible, they said “cum”.

Luigi’s Mansion 3 is currently dated for 2019.

Leaked E3 Document Shows Next-Gen Greater Israel With 100% Less Palestinians

We’ve all known something major was about to shake up the world of gaming for the past few years now. We could all feel it coming. There were always whispers that something was coming to blow the entire industry out of the water, and this is finally it. Nintendo is doomed.

Amid all of the leaks and announcements from the major companies, talk of next-gen consoles and killer exclusives, one party has remained unusually quiet. Israel. Ever since its launch, Israel has managed to pull a rather devoted fanbase of strongly nationalist Israelis, and a few passionate fans overseas in the United States. But they still haven’t become the global superpower we all know they could be.

These leaked documents hint that the ethnostate of Zionist Israel is planning to launch a next-generation Israel that’s even bigger and better than ever. With new American Blast Processing that can cleanse large swathes of land using droid technology, Israel can now eliminate Palestinians and other unwanted features from their lands with over 24 Jewgaflops of raw processing power. That’s more than four times the power of the Xbox One X.

If these leaks are accurate, we’re talking beyond 4K, 60FPS. We’re talking beyond VR compatible. When Digital Foundry looked into it, they discovered no evidence of Assad gassing his own people. But now, next-gen shit? Israel will be able to do Syria better than Assad ever could. Imagine an ethnostate that could gas Syrians flawlessly, in real time, without any jaggies or loading screens. That’s the kind of power we’re talking here.

There’s no official word yet, but these leaks could very well be the end of the game industry as we know it. Greater Israel has been in development for years, and it’s just about time for the world to see what the developers have been hard at work on.