All posts by Lord Waffle King

Tragic: Man Unable To Come Out As Gay After Calling “No Homo Infinity”

While it’s slowly been falling out of practice in our much more accepting society, the calling of “No Homo” before committing a deed with homo tendencies is as old as being homo itself.

But tragedy struck when a man, wanting to come out as gay, found himself unable to thanks to prior actions. In his foolish youth, he called “No Homo Infinity” while sucking his bro’s dick. With the “infinity” perpetuating his “no homo” indefinitely, no matter how much he attempts to yes homo, the no homo effect makes it null and void.

The case has gained enough traction online and gotten enough support for the matter to be taken up with the Supreme Court. LGBT demonstrations have rallied for the “No Homo Infinity” to be overruled, but justice has yet to be done.

“Well, with the infinity on there, theoretically there’s nothing we can do. You’ve made your choice, and you need to stick with it.” Someone with a blue checkmark that doesn’t really matter said on Twitter. Another replied back, “Love is love, and he has the right to contradict infinity if he wants to.”

The Supreme Court has yet to make any comments or rulings on the matter.

Shenron: “Dragon Balls Do Not Have Power To Impeach Trump”

The Democratic Party is back to square one now it seems in their quest to impeach President Donald Trump. There have been talks since 2016 of impeachment, and though they’ve been hard at work for the past few years, there still no results.

The latest plan seemed like it had just reached fruition, as Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton set off to collect the Dragon Balls and have Trump banished for good. But in a disappointing twist, the great dragon Shenron informed us that the Dragon Balls do not have the power to grant that wish.

Shenron has refused to cooperate with the impeachment case, and sources say Shenron himself may have ties to Russia.

An anonymous whistle-blower has leaked that Shenron allegedly granted a wish to Vladimir Putin to have Crimea. Clearly this wish worked, because Crimea was annexed and we all just kinda let that happen. Not even a drone strike.

The Democratic Party is now seeking to have Shenron himself impeached, and they’ve proposed that Bill Clinton take the seat instead.

Shenron has yet to comment on these allegations.

Greta Thunberg Takes Aim At Goku And Friends: “Stop Destroying Planets”

Greta Thunberg has captured the entire globe’s attention, telling world leaders around the Americas and Europe but definitely not China to straighten up their act and finally take some decisive action against climate change. The kid prodigy has bravely done what no one else had the balls to do, and now she’s set her sights on an even greater goal.

“Earth is only the beginning, we should be protecting every planet in the universe. How many times are we going to blow up Planet Namek? We cannot rely on the Dragon Balls forever, they can’t fix everything. They have limits.” said Thunberg, in a stunning call-out of Earth’s so-called “heroes”.

According to NASA findings, Earth will be a barren husk of rock and dust if Goku and/or Vegeta get into one more fight, with each other or some other monstrosity. They are solely responsible for destroying more mountains, forests, and land masses than any country, and have left more smoldering craters in Earth and many other planets than a meteor shower.

The findings only get worse when you factor in that it was uncovered in the recent FBI probe that Goku has ties with Frieza, former self-instated universal fascist emperor. Frieza has destroyed multiple planets on his own, and Goku was apparently well aware of this fact before teaming up with and aligning himself with fascism.

“The planet can’t take anymore of these fights. If we allow the toxic masculinity and culture of war that these white men perpetuate, there won’t be any home for my generation and the ones after us.” Thunberg said in a United Nations climate change conference.

Goku has yet to respond, but the UN has voted unanimously to bar Goku from fighting ever again, and has appointed the much less destructive Yamcha to be Earth’s defender.

6ix9ine Testifies That Light Yagami Is Kira

Infamous rapper 6ix9ine has been snitching on everyone since his trial began, naming a number of big names like Cardi B and Trippie Redd as gang members. It seems no one has been safe from his testimony.

The latest bizarre twist? 6ix9ine, full name Daniel Hernandez, has just revealed that the infamous serial killer Kira is in fact ordinary Japanese student Light Yagami, son of the chief of police.

Investigators are going over the evidence now, but the notion seems absurd. An upstanding young student with such a bright future, capable of killing massive swaths of people without ever leaving his house? The resemblance, however, does seem uncanny.

6ix9ine, who was facing over 40 years in prison, may be looking at under a year now thanks to ratting on all of his former associates. The snitching does not seem to have any end in sight, and though the judge has said that Hernandez has named enough people, he just keeps talking.

We will keep this story updated as the trial develops.

Latest Disturbing Report Reveals Epstein Shipped Bakugo With Ochaco

The Epstein case continues to be one of the most monumental and jaw dropping of our time. Who could have expected for billionaires, politicians, and the media to all be in cahoots with one another? Who would have guessed they’d abuse their power to commit vile acts like child sex trafficking?

We were absolutely blindsided by the fact that the wealthy elite would abuse their power like that. And yet, somehow it just keeps getting worse.

As private investigators continue to comb through whatever was left of Epstein’s private pedophile island which was tragically purged of almost all evidence accidentally by the feds, the latest report back is absolutely sickening. Epstein was a huge fan of Bakugo X Ochaco.

horrible

Records show Epstein sent and solicited Bakugo X Ochaco images and hentai to many high-profile figures and politicians, including Bill Clinton and Prince Andrew. The absolutely degenerate pairing, which makes zero sense in any context, is just the whipped cream on top Epstein’s twisted case.

Investigators on the case made the official statement “It’s not only a bad ship, it’s a nonexistent, nonsensical ship. It’s not just bad, it’s stupid. They literally interact like maybe once or twice, they have zero chemistry. Not even a hint of romantic tension. You could ship any other two characters and it would make slightly more sense, because at least then it would be two random characters instead of two random characters but one is clearly meant to be with a certain character. The only way it would make a sliver of sense is if this was some kind of weird netorare hentai thing where Bakugo just rapes Ochaco to spite Deku, but that’s absolutely degenerate.”

Luckily, the feds have decided to close the Epstein case, so we can all put this absolute nightmare behind us already and forget it ever happened.

Super Mario: “So Long, Gay Amazon Rainforest!”

Fires have been raging across the Amazon rainforest, destroying one of the most precious and important ecosystems on our planet. Experts have been calling for conservation efforts to try and save it, raising money and getting in touch with politicians. But the man in charge just will not budge on the matter.

Super Mario. He just hates forest. Can’t stand them. Doesn’t want any of them. Rain forests? Fuck them. Deciduous? Fuck them too. Coniferous? Fuck them especially. Mario fucking hates forests. And he’s burning all of them down.

wahoo

Authorities have tried to stop Mario, but he’s eluded capture and killed several members of law enforcement. Scientists fear that a doomsday scenario may be approaching, and that the forest may collapse upon itself any day now if Mario isn’t stopped.

Mario is considered armed and dangerous, and it’s urged that we all leave this to the proper authorities so that no one else is hurt. It’s imperative that we all remain calm in this situation.

At the very least, we can all rest easy knowing that the Amazon is actually burning close to average of what it usually does around fire season according to NASA reports, and the rainforest does not actually provide all of Earth’s oxygen, the ocean does.

In other news, the feds have decided to stop moving forward with the Epstein case. But that’s really not all that important.

BREAKING: Epstein Didn’t Sleep In Prison Bed Before Suicide

It’s been a nonstop series of completely unpredictable twists and turns in the Epstein case up to date that literally no one could have seen coming. This incredibly high-profile case, which has been getting exactly the amount of media attention it should be getting because the media is just and unbiased with no ulterior motives, just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

While initial reports from a completely reliable, trustworthy source confirmed that Epstein died by suicide in his cell when he knelt with enough force to shatter several bones in his neck, many were unsatisfied with this report and have pushed for independent investigations.

The latest findings from one of these reports? Epstein never slept in his bed.

While Epstein’s cell contained a simple bunk bed, suitable for him and his cellmate who had been conveniently moved right before Epstein’s suicide, reports indicate that Epstein never slept in it.

Many are now wondering, what bed did Epstein sleep in last? Where is his respawn point tied to? If it was the bed on his weird pedophile sex island, that thing has probably been torched by the feds by accident when they raided the island to gather evidence and definitely not destroy any evidence. Will Epstein spawn at the default world spawn location? Will he spawn in the Clintons’ bed, or Trump’s bed?

It still remains to be seen what this discovery means for the Epstein case, but one thing is for certain. Everything was handled with utmost competence, and no corners were cut for any ulterior means. Politicians, the media, and wealthy business people definitely do not have any stakes in this very high profile case that’s been swept under the rug, and we can trust them to report things accurately.

Mothman Is Real And He’s Trying To Drug My Food With Estrogen To Make Me A Femboy Cumslut

What is a soul? What does it mean to carry on a legacy, a lineage? The deep, metaphorical themes that intertwine with the stories of our life?

Do my memories make me who I am? The way I think? The way I look? The thematic elements of my soul’s journey?

Whatever it is, Fallout 76 fucked up everything and is complete and utter dogshit.

Fallout 76 is a poorly put together shitstack cobbled out of regurgitated Bethesda assets. Bethesda does not actually know how to make games, they only know how to make one game, and Fallout 76 is a badly made version of that game.

I don’t like to beat dead horses. I don’t like to circlejerk. I didn’t want to be part of the circlejerk. I was hoping to give Fallout 76 a fair chance, I wanted to analyze it and understand its flaws. I wanted to break it down as I would any other game and judge it based on its own merits. But it’s literally just a shitty Bethesda game. All of the flaws from every Bethesda game, but now all boiled down into one big cancerous Bethesda tumor.

I was hopeful. “Massively multiplayer Fallout Battle Royale” was a good hook. It really was. I liked the idea of dicking around in a Fallout world with friends. I was actually kind of excited for it. I loved a lot of controversial installments in other franchises. The Legend of Zelda: Triforce Heroes boils down what makes Zelda games fun into a multiplayer experience. Super Paper Mario, while not a traditional Paper Mario RPG, fully captures the charm of the Paper Mario games. Fallout 76 doesn’t really do anything for the franchise.

It doesn’t capture what makes the Fallout universe compelling, and it really doesn’t function well as either an RPG or a shooter. So what was the point of the game? Who was it made for? It wasn’t made to satisfy fans of Fallout’s gameplay or charm. It wasn’t made for fans of RPG games, or shooters. And while it functions as a mediocre online game, I wouldn’t even recommend it as something to play with friends.

No, Fallout 76 was made for two groups. The people in suits, and the weak-jawed bugmen that collect shitty mass-produced plastic figures because they have a certain character or series on them. The worshippers of new age brand cults, the religions of the commercial capitalist age, dedicating their lives to the escapist fantasies that line the pockets of the people in suits. Fallout 76 was made to sell toys, and t-shirts. It was made to be another installment for the bugmen to collect and another product for the suits to ship.

“But it’s fun with friends” is the only defense that Fallout 76 players can really stand behind, and even then, it’s not a good one. Everything is better with friends.

Every video game in the history of video games is better with friends. When they played with rocks and sticks before they invented better games? Better with friends. Playing freeze tag in traffic? Better with friends. Drinking to drown out the dark cloud of misery and sorrow hanging over you ever since your wife took the kids and half of everything you own? Better with friends. Getting jumped by human traffickers in South America and sold into slavery? Better with friends.

The online multiplayer market isn’t just ripe with games to play, it’s oversaturated. There’s too many online games to play, and they’re all trying to throw some vague novelty your way to keep you invested long enough to pay for some microtransactions. With so many games trying their hardest to be relevant for their fifteen seconds of fame, why would you give your attention to Fallout 76 just because it has Fallout in the name?

Why would you do Fallout the disservice of supporting a shallow cash grab when you’re only encouraging Bethesda to whore it out more? Is the Star Wars Holiday Special a true Star Wars movie? When they drop the Holiday Special from the lore and bury their embarrassment in the annals of history, is it still Star Wars? What makes it any different from my fanfiction where Darth Vader uses the force choke on Chewbacca’s red, throbbing dick? If I’m more faithful to the lore, and more respectful to the spirit of Star Wars, what makes my work less Star Wars than the Holiday Special?

What is it that separates us, the fans and the suits? Paperwork, red tape, legislature, and legalese that break down the concept of idea ownership. But should ideas truly be owned? To whom should the future of a franchise be entrusted to? Do fans that complain of Bethesda maiming and driving Fallout into the ground have the right, the same way Tumblr cretins have the right to disfigure characters into engorged, racially ambiguous reflections of the inner workings of their autism?

Would Fallout’s lore, and the lore of many other franchises be treated better if they were allowed to lapse into public domain? Perhaps.

And perhaps one day my mature reboot of the Thomas the Tank Engine world and its lore will be accepted as canon. In a perfect world, my trainsona will finally hack that asshole Gordon in half with his katana.

Nintendo: Captain Falcon Is Bill From King Of The Hill, No New Game Coming

Out of all of Nintendo’s many franchises, one of the most requested that’s been out of the picture for quite a while is F-Zero. There’s been nothing but cameos and guest appearances for the star, Captain Falcon.

Today, Nintendo confirmed that the reason for this is because Captain Falcon is Bill Dauterive from King of the Hill. This important story development can’t be addressed however, because they do not have the rights to King of the Hill.

Nintendo lost the rights to King of the Hill when Microsoft acquired Rare in 2002, which threw a wrench in the narrative of the F-Zero series.

Captain Falcon will unmask himself as Bill after the events of the last F-Zero title, but this development in the story has been put on hold indefinitely.

Miyamoto has gone on record saying that he refuses to budge on this, and is not willing to change the F-Zero lore to accommodate this.

F-Zero has been shelved, seemingly forever, and will probably not get another installment unless Nintendo reacquires the rights to King of the Hill, or works out some kind of licensing deal.

BREAKING: The GameStop Girl Showed Me Basic Human Kindness, See You Later Virgins

Guys you’re never gonna believe this the girl at GameStop smiled at me I think this is getting serious.

Every weekend I go to GameStop to check out the latest games and make payments on all of my pre-orders. I don’t believe in pre-ordering games, but they never have enough copies of my JRPG’s if I don’t pre-order them so I’ve been forced to. And in the process I’ve built up a relationship with the cute cashier girl that works there.

I’m pretty sure her hair smells like strawberry but I’ve never gotten close enough to smell it.

I’m sure she noticed how much money I was spending and I definitely impressed her with my knowledge of Blazblue lore. I explained the whole plot for her and I could tell she was enthralled. As I was leaving today she smiled and told me to have a nice day, and she remembered my name.

We’ve been dating like this for at least a few months now so I’m pretty sure this is serious now. I don’t know where to go from here, but we’ll definitely be getting intimate soon.

The date that we’ll be having s*x is still unknown but I will keep you guys updated, maybe. If I’m not too busy having lots of s*x with my hot GameStop girlfriend. See you later virgins.