Category Archives: News

Leaked E3 Document Shows Next-Gen Greater Israel With 100% Less Palestinians

We’ve all known something major was about to shake up the world of gaming for the past few years now. We could all feel it coming. There were always whispers that something was coming to blow the entire industry out of the water, and this is finally it. Nintendo is doomed.

Amid all of the leaks and announcements from the major companies, talk of next-gen consoles and killer exclusives, one party has remained unusually quiet. Israel. Ever since its launch, Israel has managed to pull a rather devoted fanbase of strongly nationalist Israelis, and a few passionate fans overseas in the United States. But they still haven’t become the global superpower we all know they could be.

These leaked documents hint that the ethnostate of Zionist Israel is planning to launch a next-generation Israel that’s even bigger and better than ever. With new American Blast Processing that can cleanse large swathes of land using droid technology, Israel can now eliminate Palestinians and other unwanted features from their lands with over 24 Jewgaflops of raw processing power. That’s more than four times the power of the Xbox One X.

If these leaks are accurate, we’re talking beyond 4K, 60FPS. We’re talking beyond VR compatible. When Digital Foundry looked into it, they discovered no evidence of Assad gassing his own people. But now, next-gen shit? Israel will be able to do Syria better than Assad ever could. Imagine an ethnostate that could gas Syrians flawlessly, in real time, without any jaggies or loading screens. That’s the kind of power we’re talking here.

There’s no official word yet, but these leaks could very well be the end of the game industry as we know it. Greater Israel has been in development for years, and it’s just about time for the world to see what the developers have been hard at work on.

BRAVE: Ice Climbers Are Poly And The Blue One Watches The Pink One Fuck Other Men

It’s Pride Month, so every company has been coming out of the woodwork to show their acceptance of gay culture. Microsoft set their Twitter icon to a rainbow Xbox logo and Sony confirmed that Crash Bandicoot is trans, leaving the ball in historically conservative Nintendo’s court.

Nintendo has never really done anything to show their acceptance of the LGBT, but with increasing pressure, they finally had to take a step in the right direction.

Smash Bros director Masahiro Sakurai confirmed that the popular Ice Climbers characters are in fact in an open, poly relationship.

The male Ice Climber Popo and his wife Nana believe in free love and open sexuality. While both love each other very much, they’re allowed to seek other relationships and fuck whoever they want.

Sakurai elaborated that while Nana, who is a total hot piece of ass, gets dicked down on the regular by absolute chads like Ganondorf, Bowser, King K. Rool, and the Wii Fit Trainer who is trans and has a massive cock, Popo does not have the same level of success.

Popo, who has not found enough women willing to fuck him casually, has been starting to question his sexuality, and has sucked the Duck Hunt Dog’s cock just once. The Duck watched. He remarked being aroused by this, but feels like he’s not gay. Lately Popo has been questioning, and may choose to identify as a pansexual trans woman.

Nintendo promises to be more committed to providing diverse and realistic depictions of LGBT characters going forward, and has promised that in the next Super Mario game, Luigi will fuck at least three Toads. Anally.

Game of Thrones Author George R. R. Martin Says Waluigi Was Always Meant To Sit On The Iron Throne

Game of Thrones has finally ended, with a finale that’s left fans all over divided. Very few could have seen that last episode coming, and very few would have guessed that it would go out the way it did.

Many expected the series to go out with a bang, but it settled for more of a soft, moist plop. Some are happy with the outcome, many wish that it had gone differently. But the original author, George R. R. Martin, says that it’s not even close to the ending he’d envisioned.

“Why do you think it’s even called Westeros? Why do you think the primary antagonist was the Walkers? The Night King was the spirit of Waluigi, the true protagonist of the story. All of Westeros were the villains, the corrupt and greedy humans that had stolen his land away from him. His destiny was to reclaim what was his. All of Waaahsteros.”

King of the Waaahkers

George R. R. Martin went on to insist that the books hinted at it from the very beginning. Bran Stark was the true villain all along, capable of seeing the future, and aiming to topple the kingdoms and bring them under his rule. The Night King, Waluigi, was attempting to save his people and reclaim his throne by taking him out. The Waaahkers, his loyal followers that gave their lives for him, were never the villains.

Sure, killing and eating people might be wrong. But what’s more wrong, killing and eating people, or fucking and impregnating your sister? What\’s more wrong, killing and eating people, or burning your child alive? What’s more wrong, killing and eating people, or being a feminist? Game of Thrones has always been about which character one hates the least, not lovable characters. Waluigi and his followers are flawed, but they are the best fit for the throne.

Martin, while disappointed over the ending, is not losing sleep. He’s got several other projects underway at HBO, and is confident in his newest series, A Dance Of Fire And Crash Bandicoot.

HBO has confirmed, Crash Bandicoot will not be appearing in the TV adaptation, despite being on the cover of the novel.

Toadsworth Allows Princess To Be Kidnapped To Distract Kingdom Populace From Impending Invasion Of Iran

The Mushroom Kingdom has been in an uproar because of yet another high-ranking blunder on account of their military force.

Once again, Bowser’s forces have seemed to slip through without a hitch to abduct the fair princess and hold the government hostage. The two nations, which have been at perpetual war, have had many an altercation like this. Naturally, the nation’s heroes will rise up to save the day.

At least, that’s the narrative they want you to believe, says one ex-Mushroom Kingdom insider.

Anonymous for their safety

A former aid of the royal family, whom we’ve opted to keep anonymous for their own safety, has come forward to reveal the true nature of this ordeal, which is supposedly a planned move.

Toadsworth, right-hand to the royal family, has watched over generation after generation of the great monarchy. And in that time, he’s grown to be a terrifyingly powerful figure behind the scenes.

Princess Peach was allowed to be kidnapped, unbeknownst to her, so that while she’s away and the kingdom is in panic, Toadsworth may rally the Mushroom Kingdom forces and invade Iran on behalf of their close ally Israel. Toadsworth has been accepting money from an Israeli special interest group for years, and will go to any lengths to see their agendas carried out.

We reached out to Peach’s Castle for comment, one of the Toad’s responded with “AGGAGA OH NO AAAAAAAA AGAHGAGA GAGA HAHAHAHA OH NO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

The Mushroom Kingdom hasn’t made any official moves yet in this inevitable, costly war, but it’s certain they will be making this move, if you follow the trail of money. We can only hope the bloodshed is minimal.

Toadette Gets Illegal Abortion, Revealing Toad(s) Cum Inside Her On The Regular

Abortion has always been an incredibly controversial political issue. The legal matters of human rights, bodily autonomy, a right to life, and consent are a messy business, and it’s natural for a diverse group with different viewpoints to see things in their own ways. Even in a population as homogeneous as the Mushroom Kingdom.

The conservative, nationalist country of the Mushroom Kingdom has long held traditional ideals, but Toads are unfortunately mortal beings with vices like the rest of us. As much as we all would love to never imagine that. Toads don’t just reproduce. They fuck. Toads fuck hard. And sometimes, when Toads fuck, there are consequences.

Toadette, resident of the Mushroom Kingdom, discovered she was pregnant recently. The pink-haired Toad civilian, unable to care for her child with her tennis career (and not too sure which Toad did the deed, they all kind of look alike), opted to end the child’s suffering before bringing them into a cruel world where they could never know the love of a real mother and father.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Abortion, which is strictly illegal in the Mushroom Kingdom because of their deeply religious beliefs, is not something readily available at your local Planned Parent Pipe. Toadette had to find some shady ass people to stick a coat hanger in her and fish out bits of Toad fetus. It wasn’t very pretty.

When Mushroom Kingdom authorities discovered the crime that’d taken place, they bounced in place and shrieked in their high-pitched, nasally voices “AGHAGGAHGAGAA OH NO AGHAHAGA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA OH NO AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AGAGHAGAGA”. The Mushroom Kingdom has never had the most competent law enforcement.

The leader of the Mushroom Kingdom, grand matriarch Princess Peach, was unavailable to offer a statement as she was once again missing from her castle. But the Toads we could reach out to gave us the statement “OH NO AGAHGAGA GAGA AUAUAUGAGU AHAHAHA YAHOO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OH NO GAGAGA GAHAGGHAGAAGA”.

Toadette will be executed for her crimes at a future date.

Kotaku Used Derogatory N-Word Slur At Me In Applebee’s Parking Lot

This just happened oh my god I am literally crying and shaking right now I was at Applebee’s enjoying my 2 for $20 and minding my own business when Kotaku came up to me and started shouting gamer language at me I was so shocked and disgusted I have never felt more assaulted in my life this literally just happened right now this is a true story.

I was sitting at my own table, eating my own 2 for $20, when they just barged in and intruded on my meal, and blasphemed against my most sacrosanct of dinners. They called my 2 for $20’s gay and the f word that means gay, and then they turned to me and called me the n word with a hard r that means African American. Then they whipped out their dick and told me I am an f word that means gay for looking at it, when they were grabbing food off of my plate, my 2 for $20’s, and stuffing it in their foreskin.

When their foreskin was swollen up to about the size of a large plum, they grabbed the bottle of ketchup off my table and generously squirted it on top, before making a “pftpththfhthfthtpt” sound with their tongue while squirting it on my nice Easter Sunday suit jacket, as if they were farting out ketchup onto my outfit.

Oh god oh fuck

The waiter came and asked if everything was alright, and I tried to speak up and say no but Kotaku kept interrupting me, repeating everything I said but louder and in a voice like Goofy from Mickey Mouse, and making those fart noises with their tongue. They told the waiter everything was fine, and the waiter didn’t even question why there was 2 for $20 dripping from Kotaku’s exposed foreskin.

Whenever I’d try to ignore them and eat my food Kotaku would say something about how they were gonna dig up my aunt’s grave and jerk off on her “stupid fat (n word with a hard r) feet” if I didn’t stop eating and listen to them. But if I’d put my food down they’d just stare at me and call me a “stupid (n word with a hard r) cuck”.

I tried to gather my things and leave but they’d stand in front of my face and make every step I took a battle. When I finally got to the parking lot they just circled me calling me the n word over and over. I broke down and cried, but they just wouldn’t stop. It took me a while to get into my car because they’d shut the door on me whenever I opened it. They followed me and kept honking their horn and hurling gamer language at me all the way home. I had to circle my block a few times and only barely lost them when we passed a cop. I parked my car in my garage and am still in there, typing this from my phone.

I’ll keep this story updated as it unfolds.

EDIT:

I peeked out a few times and I still see them driving by slowly every few minutes like they’re looking for me. I’m so scared oh my god I’m shaking right now this is really happening. I’ll update this story again when they leave.

Gearbox Bravely Announces Borderlands 3 Despite Broken Kneecaps And Pressure From Hooded Figure With Gun-Shaped Outline In Their Coat Pocket

Borderlands fans can finally rejoice, Borderlands 3 is officially happening. The third (technically fourth?) Borderlands game was officially announced, promising even more colorful characters and billions of guns.

The announcement came rather out of the blue at around 3AM from a McDonald’s parking lot in El Paso, Texas. Gearbox CEO Randy Pitchford, wearing a makeshift poncho composed of Walmart bags and what looked to be gum scraped off the underside of a park bench, appeared to make the surprise reveal in a rather erratic manner. The entire thing was filmed from his phone.

An unidentifiable hooded figure was with him the entire time, with their hands in their coat pockets. A distinct gun shape could be seen pointing from within aforementioned pocket. Anytime Pitchford would stumble on his words, they would poke him with the pointed shape within their pocket, and Pitchford would correct himself.

At one point during the broadcast, Pitchford broke down into tears, blubbering near incomprehensible gibberish. While most of it was lost to his nasally whimpering, “I’m sorry about Aliens, I’m sorry about Battleborn, please help” could scarcely be made out, before he began sobbing hysterically. I could’ve swore he said “They’re gonna take my bone marrow”, but it was hard to decipher just what was said before the stream cut out abruptly.

Imagine how many dicks she could pleasure at once

Many interesting and colorful characters were teased, and it looks as if more diverse environments will be joining the desert world of Borderlands. From the looks of it, the next playable Siren character will be melee focused, wielding many powerful arms.

Randy Pitchford has not been seen since the announcement, and any attempts to get in touch with Gearbox have fallen through. Their offices have a foreclosure notice on them, and it appears their phone has been disconnected. Their website now redirects to some kind of Russian site.

There is no confirmed date yet for when Borderlands 3 drops, but fans speculate it may be sometime in October.

Tensions With North Korea Escalate After Trump Tells Kim Jong-un To Dig Straight Down In Minecraft

The United States and North Korea have been butting heads for quite some time now. It seems every month or so, Kim Jong-un feels the need to remind everyone that he does in fact possess nuclear weapons and is not afraid to use them.

They’ve had quite a few disagreements, and there was a point where it looked like war was imminent. But then Trump did the unthinkable, and became the first US president to meet with the North Korean head of state. And for a time, it seemed like perhaps negotiations were possible. Tensions were slowly simmering down, and talks of denuclearization actually seemed like a feasible reality.

And now it’s all gone down the drain.

Moments before disaster

In an effort to foster a greater relationship between America and North Korea, Trump and Kim Jong-un had become more or less best buds. Kim would get to golf with Trump at Mar-a-Lago, they’d go out to nice restaurants and basketball games together, and would be up all night talking to each other about dreams they had or playing games online. Kim thought he finally found a real friend.

And in a game of Minecraft the other night, Trump told Kim to dig straight down as a joke, landing the North Korean dictator in hot lava. Quite literally. Everything he’d collected up until that point, lost. The cruel prank prompted Kim to cut off all ties with Trump and America, and vow to get revenge with his nuclear program.

Thanks to our dumb idiot stupid orange Cheeto puff small hand Nazi stupid idiot retard president, North Korea has newfound interest in carpet-bombing America off the map. Trump, who’s only job was to be nice to the guy with the nukes, had to go and pick on the autistic kid. Thanks a fucking lot.

We can only hope and pray that this blows over by the time Kim Jong-un finishes his Lunchables.

Super Mario Maker 2 Cancelled After Controversial “Make Mario Great Again” Ad Campaign Backfires

Fans looking forward to crafting their own Super Mario levels and sharing them with fellow Nintendo Switch players may have to retreat back to their Wii U consoles for the foreseeable future. Nintendo’s embarrassing ad snafu just got the plug pulled on Super Mario Maker 2.

Shortly after the last Nintendo Direct where the official trailer dropped for Super Mario Maker 2, an ad began airing featuring the current President of the United States, Donald Trump. The controversial and divisive political figure was seen playing the upcoming title, building walls to keep various enemies from touching Mario and constructing grand architectural monuments within the game.

As Trump would build, a brightly animated Mushroom Kingdom world would sprout up from the office around him, until Mario and Luigi themselves were right there in the White House with him wearing construction hats with the “Make America Great Again” branding on them. Trump would then turn to a Goomba and tell them “You’re Fired”.

The community, understandably enough, did not agree with this depiction of their beloved Mushroom Kingdom world, and began to protest the ad and the game on social media. Many critics lampooned Nintendo for their “tone-deaf marketing” and for their support of Donald Trump.

Protests in the streets

Following the swift and brutal Twitter backlash, all traces of the commercial were pulled from the internet, the video no longer available on Nintendo’s official Youtube channel. Nintendo’s stock dropped considerably following the boycotts, and in an effort to appease the masses simply announced that the game would be pushed back indefinitely.

Trump, who did not see anything wrong with harmlessly promoting a game, took to Twitter for a rant of his own, which at some point devolved into him ranting about Nintendo for giving in to the “fake news media”, and then finally ranting about the game. He was having a hard time figuring out how to navigate the menus, and was asking how he could add more Bowsers to his level to make the coolest level ever where several dozen Bowsers stacked on top of one another would rush the player all at once. That was the entire stage, just Bowsers.

After stumbling through the menus for a few hours he dropped off Super Mario Maker 2 and ended up playing Fortnite the rest of the night, tweeting every time he died and making vague legal threats at whoever did it.

Make Nintendo Great Again

Super Mario Maker 2, which was originally dated for June 2019, is on permanent hiatus until further notice. Trump, who received his own promotional Switch and early release copy of Super Mario Maker 2 out of the deal, has said nothing but good things about the Switch, citing that the Joy-Cons fit perfectly in his hands.

Barron Trump has also come forward to express gratitude and relief towards Nintendo, as his father now has his own system to keep him busy and won’t loiter outside Barron’s door asking if it’s “his turn to play the Xbox yet”.

Nintendo has not responded to any further comments, questions, or concerns since their last press statement.

Newest Sonic Game Confirmed As “Sonic Forces”, Raises Speculation Of What He’s Forcing

I hope you like Sanic, because it’s gonna be a big year for him. Sonic Mania was pushed back to Summer, which is unfortunate, but Project Sonic 2017 finally got some official news.

The official name will be “Sonic Forces”, and there’s a brand new trailer to go along with that name.

It’s unclear what the name means from the trailer. It looks pretty cool, there’s a lot going on. Kinda reminds me of Sonic ’06 a little.

But what, exactly, is Sonic forcing? What is Sonic Forces? What does this name mean?

Is this gonna be a hybrid Sonic first-person shooter? Is he some kind of covert forces soldier? Or is “Forces” meant to imply that he’s forcing someone to do something? A lot of questions are raised by this name. “Generations” made sense, because it was all about how Sonic had inadvertently made an entire generation into furries. But Forces?

I decided to do a bit of investigative journalism, and used my expert hacking skills to find a Sega employee still logged into their Facebook when they walked away from their computer. I made sure to post statuses of how they were hacked, and made sure to announce how gay they were, but I also uncovered this bit of official concept art.

What Sonic is forcing?

From the looks of this official concept art, it looks like Sonic Forces is looking to recapture the furry demographic, as Sonic Generations and now Mania are meant to appeal to the unloved kids that grew up with a Sega console instead of a Nintendo.

If properly executed, and Sonic can somehow maintain every aspect of their fanbase, it may in turn become one of the most powerful franchises out there.

The Sonic ’06 influence from the trailer could well imply that Sonic Forces looks to explore the human princess on hedgehog bestiality romance concept from the past games, and may go as far as implementing a full-scale romance system. It’s gonna be very interesting to see what direction they take this one.

Sonic Forces will be coming out on Xbox One, PS4, and Switch later this year.