Category Archives: News

Nintendo: Captain Falcon Is Bill From King Of The Hill, No New Game Coming

Out of all of Nintendo’s many franchises, one of the most requested that’s been out of the picture for quite a while is F-Zero. There’s been nothing but cameos and guest appearances for the star, Captain Falcon.

Today, Nintendo confirmed that the reason for this is because Captain Falcon is Bill Dauterive from King of the Hill. This important story development can’t be addressed however, because they do not have the rights to King of the Hill.

Nintendo lost the rights to King of the Hill when Microsoft acquired Rare in 2002, which threw a wrench in the narrative of the F-Zero series.

Captain Falcon will unmask himself as Bill after the events of the last F-Zero title, but this development in the story has been put on hold indefinitely.

Miyamoto has gone on record saying that he refuses to budge on this, and is not willing to change the F-Zero lore to accommodate this.

F-Zero has been shelved, seemingly forever, and will probably not get another installment unless Nintendo reacquires the rights to King of the Hill, or works out some kind of licensing deal.

BREAKING: The GameStop Girl Showed Me Basic Human Kindness, See You Later Virgins

Guys you’re never gonna believe this the girl at GameStop smiled at me I think this is getting serious.

Every weekend I go to GameStop to check out the latest games and make payments on all of my pre-orders. I don’t believe in pre-ordering games, but they never have enough copies of my JRPG’s if I don’t pre-order them so I’ve been forced to. And in the process I’ve built up a relationship with the cute cashier girl that works there.

I’m pretty sure her hair smells like strawberry but I’ve never gotten close enough to smell it.

I’m sure she noticed how much money I was spending and I definitely impressed her with my knowledge of Blazblue lore. I explained the whole plot for her and I could tell she was enthralled. As I was leaving today she smiled and told me to have a nice day, and she remembered my name.

We’ve been dating like this for at least a few months now so I’m pretty sure this is serious now. I don’t know where to go from here, but we’ll definitely be getting intimate soon.

The date that we’ll be having s*x is still unknown but I will keep you guys updated, maybe. If I’m not too busy having lots of s*x with my hot GameStop girlfriend. See you later virgins.

Microsoft: With Next-Gen Xbox You Will Be Able To Listen To Cortana Pissing

Rumors have begun circulating about the next-generation of console gaming. The Playstation 4 and Xbox One have been out for quite a while, and their successors are no doubt on the horizon.

Sony has dropped hints about the Playstation 5, promising to blow their competition out of the water and provide the most powerful console experience we’ve ever seen. Which, you know, you’d expect from a next-generation video game console. They never promise a weaker system, do they? Microsoft, on the other hand, have managed to get a leg up with their lofty promises.

The next Xbox? You’ll be able to listen to Cortana pissing, in all her glory.

“With the new Project Scarlett headset, you’ll be able to activate Cortana at any time, and listen to her piss. It’ll sound like chicken is frying, right in your ear.” Xbox’s head Phil Spencer promised in an exclusive interview.

“Sometimes gaming can get stressful. We need a break. We need a drink. Something to refresh us. And we think Cortana should be the one to provide it.” He went on, detailing how hundreds of women have been recorded pissing to get the sound design just right. We’re talking next-gen piss ambiance.

There is still so much for us to learn about both the PS5 and Xbox Scarlett, but if this is how Microsoft is stepping up to the plate Sony had better not let this crucial moment slip.

BREAKING: Bernie Sanders Is Sans Undertale

Bernie Sanders has been hard at work on the campaign trail, trying to find the path to the nomination for the 2016 2020 election. There is still a chance he can win, despite Hillary Clinton Joe Biden having all of the super-delegates. He’s going to have them, we already know.

While Bernie’s grassroots efforts didn’t snag him the nomination last time, and forfeiting to the establishment really didn’t win him over with his supporters, Bernie has revealed that this time around he will not be a pushover, and he will make sure the Democratic Party that wronged him and all of the billionaires have a bad time.

“It’s a beautiful day outside… birds are chipping flowers are blooming… in days like these.. billionaires like you……. should be burning in hell.” Bernie opened up his latest press conference. Then his eye turned blue, and he revealed that he was in fact Sans Undertale.

Bernie Sansders has created a personal hitlist of every billionaire and politician that has wronged him, and he is going to dispose of them all. Nothin’ personnel, kid.

Joe Biden is expected to win the nomination by a landslide victory.

The Pokémon Company: Hatsune Miku Will Not Be In Pokémon Sword And Shield

The upcoming installment in the ever-popular Pokémon franchise, Sword and Shield, has been met with mixed reactions. Nintendo has been switching up the formula, and not everyone likes it.

First they took away the National Dex, then they took away Mega Evolutions and replaced it with the new “Gigamax” system. Some people love it, some hate it. As a massively bloated franchise, it’s impossible to please everyone.

But they’ve just come out with yet another announcement. Hatsune Miku will not be featured in this installment of the Pokémon franchise.

Do you see Hatsune Miku in this screenshot? No? That’s because she’s not in this game. They’ve already said so, it’s official. Sword and Shield will feature the largest map of any Pokémon game, and through all of those virtual acres you will never find Hatsune Miku.

At this point, it really feels like they’re just stripping more and more features from this game. It’s beginning to to feel like they’re just going to ship the most bare-bones product imaginable. Pokémon has a problem as a franchise with how massive it’s gotten, but is this really the best way to fix things?

We’ll just have to wait and see if Nintendo feels the pressure or not. The consumers will vote with their wallets. Pokémon Sword and Shield are currently dated for November 15th.

Lil Wayne To Play Toad In Upcoming Super Mario 64 HD Remake

There’s been serious controversy lately on white washing characters and having proper representation of minorities in media. Disney’s upcoming remake of The Little Mermaid, and various debates over Pokémon Gym Leaders have ravaged the internet.

Nintendo, ever the conservative company, has been taking steps to broaden their appeal to a wider demographic. They’ve been including more diverse characters in their games, and have been catering to other audiences besides autistic white children.

Their latest push, making Toad black. In their upcoming live action remake of Super Mario 64, using face rendering tech similar to what Kojima used to put Norman Reedus into Death Stranding, Toad will be played by Lil Wayne. Super Mario himself will be played by Danny Devito.

This drastic shift for the Mushroom Kingdom cast will no doubt stir controversy, but Nintendo is already prepped for such a backlash.

“If you look at it, I think Toad has always been a black character” said Miyamoto, who will be overseeing the new project. “Toad has always been a character that has faced great hardships, and has bounced back. In the original Super Mario, Goombas were just Toads that were enslaved with Bowser’s magic. And Bowser is definitely white.”

Super Mario 64 HD will be a Nintendo Switch Lite exclusive and launch with the console exclusively. If you attempt to put the game chip into a regular Switch, you will be charged with a hate crime.

All Nintendo Switch Lites Come Packaged With Sixty Pounds Of Cocaine

Rumors have been circulating around that Nintendo has several new design iterations of their popular Switch console in development. And with high profile titles like Animal Crossing and Pokémon Sword and Shield on their way, it makes sense they’d unveil one of them for the holiday season.

The new Switch Lite, which forsakes all console elements in favor of a sleek, portable design, will be the perfect alternative for people that prefer to game on the go. The cheaper price point will also serve as a much more accessible entry point for small children, since their parents don’t love them as much.

The Switch Lite also comes with sixty (60) pounds of cocaine.

The consoles will come in blue, yellow, and gray. In one fell swoop, Nintendo has made the Switch Lite this holiday’s hottest new console.

The Switch Lite releases September 20th and retails for $199.99 USD.

Report: Gooigi Is Made Out Of Cum

Luigi’s Mansion 3 has been announced, and Nintendo has been slowly pulling away the curtain on the secrets the game will hold. New characters, new game mechanics, they’re really going all out with this installment.

But one of the most popular new additions has been the new Gooigi feature. Gooigi, Luigi’s gooey doppelganger, will be playable for co-op and can be used to solve various puzzles.

The internet quickly became enamored with the gooey green boy, so the developers agreed to sit down and tell us more about Gooigi and the roles he’ll play in Luigi’s Mansion 3.

“Gooigi is a semi-solid mass, not like slime, but more like a gummy worm. One could easily take a bite out of him. Gooigi was created by Professor E. Gadd after accidentally cumming in a ghost. The cum, mixed with ghostly ectoplasm, birthed Gooigi as an infant child, and he suckled at E. Gadd’s teat until he grew to his adult size.” Luigi’s Mansion director Yoshihito Ikebata told us in an exclusive interview.

“While he is identical to Luigi, right down to each individual strand of gummy hair on his moustache, his lack of muscle, bone, joints, and flesh means that he can do things Luigi can’t. For example, even though he and Luigi have identically long, girthy schlongs, Gooigi can bend and control his freely. He can grasp objects with his manhood, like switches and levers, or lift heavy objects that Luigi can’t. These elements will be present in the game’s many puzzles.”

When asked what flavor Gooigi would taste like, since they mentioned him being edible, they said “cum”.

Luigi’s Mansion 3 is currently dated for 2019.

Leaked E3 Document Shows Next-Gen Greater Israel With 100% Less Palestinians

We’ve all known something major was about to shake up the world of gaming for the past few years now. We could all feel it coming. There were always whispers that something was coming to blow the entire industry out of the water, and this is finally it. Nintendo is doomed.

Amid all of the leaks and announcements from the major companies, talk of next-gen consoles and killer exclusives, one party has remained unusually quiet. Israel. Ever since its launch, Israel has managed to pull a rather devoted fanbase of strongly nationalist Israelis, and a few passionate fans overseas in the United States. But they still haven’t become the global superpower we all know they could be.

These leaked documents hint that the ethnostate of Zionist Israel is planning to launch a next-generation Israel that’s even bigger and better than ever. With new American Blast Processing that can cleanse large swathes of land using droid technology, Israel can now eliminate Palestinians and other unwanted features from their lands with over 24 Jewgaflops of raw processing power. That’s more than four times the power of the Xbox One X.

If these leaks are accurate, we’re talking beyond 4K, 60FPS. We’re talking beyond VR compatible. When Digital Foundry looked into it, they discovered no evidence of Assad gassing his own people. But now, next-gen shit? Israel will be able to do Syria better than Assad ever could. Imagine an ethnostate that could gas Syrians flawlessly, in real time, without any jaggies or loading screens. That’s the kind of power we’re talking here.

There’s no official word yet, but these leaks could very well be the end of the game industry as we know it. Greater Israel has been in development for years, and it’s just about time for the world to see what the developers have been hard at work on.

BRAVE: Ice Climbers Are Poly And The Blue One Watches The Pink One Fuck Other Men

It’s Pride Month, so every company has been coming out of the woodwork to show their acceptance of gay culture. Microsoft set their Twitter icon to a rainbow Xbox logo and Sony confirmed that Crash Bandicoot is trans, leaving the ball in historically conservative Nintendo’s court.

Nintendo has never really done anything to show their acceptance of the LGBT, but with increasing pressure, they finally had to take a step in the right direction.

Smash Bros director Masahiro Sakurai confirmed that the popular Ice Climbers characters are in fact in an open, poly relationship.

The male Ice Climber Popo and his wife Nana believe in free love and open sexuality. While both love each other very much, they’re allowed to seek other relationships and fuck whoever they want.

Sakurai elaborated that while Nana, who is a total hot piece of ass, gets dicked down on the regular by absolute chads like Ganondorf, Bowser, King K. Rool, and the Wii Fit Trainer who is trans and has a massive cock, Popo does not have the same level of success.

Popo, who has not found enough women willing to fuck him casually, has been starting to question his sexuality, and has sucked the Duck Hunt Dog’s cock just once. The Duck watched. He remarked being aroused by this, but feels like he’s not gay. Lately Popo has been questioning, and may choose to identify as a pansexual trans woman.

Nintendo promises to be more committed to providing diverse and realistic depictions of LGBT characters going forward, and has promised that in the next Super Mario game, Luigi will fuck at least three Toads. Anally.