Category Archives: News

Nintendo Announces Paid Premium Subscription To Restore All Cut Pokémon From Sword And Shield

When Nintendo first announced Pokémon Sword and Shield, they were met with mixed reactions. A lot of things were changing, and not all of them seemed to be for the better. Less Pokémon, less content, seemingly the same level of graphics we’d grown to expect from a 3DS game, something just wasn’t adding up.

But there’s no longer a need to worry, Game Freak and Nintendo have just dropped some major news. All of the things they fucked up on, it’ll all be fixed as long as you pay for their new monthly premium Pokémon experience.

With the newly announced Pokémon Master Pass, players will be able to capture, train, and battle all 890+ Pokémon in the National Dex, as well as access a number of other features only available to Master Pass owners.

“We realize that many Pokémon fans are unhappy with the current experience. However, please understand that designing and animating over one thousand different models is extremely time-consuming. But with this new paid premium membership, we will be able to afford the coke and prostitutes necessary to keep studio morale up in order to make our vision possible. Please understand” Junichi Masuda, producer of Sword and Shield, told us in an exclusive interview.

While the primary benefit of unlocking the National Dex seems to be the main pull, many other quality of life additions will be made, including offering higher resolution textures, and being taken off of the government watch list for jerking off to cartoon children.

The Master Pass will be released early Spring 2020, just in time to keep you busy until the next game is announced and rushed through production for next year’s holiday season.

Mike Pence Is Not Allowed To Cum

After over a month of quiet simmering behind closed doors, Trump’s impeachment inquiries have burst out into the public, along with all of the details they’ve uncovered so far. Many are convinced that Trump’s days in office are numbered, but amid all of the noise, one odd thing has been uncovered during the last public hearing.

Mike Pence is not allowed to cum. He never has, and never will. The vice president is so anti-cumming, he doesn’t even like to look at his own penis. Whenever he has to piss, he will unzip his fly and gyrate his hips in order to flop his member out, and then urinate hands-free without looking. He is afraid to touch his own penis, and he wouldn’t even dare looking at it. He sleeps fully clothed, in a separate bed from his wife, with his arms perfectly at his sides, under a weighted blanket. This ritual began when his own mother told him he was not allowed to cum, and the ritual has been carried on by his wife when Pence was married off to her. Both his wife and his mother always check with him every morning to make sure he is still a good no cummy boy.

This was completely unprompted by any questioning, Mike Pence simply interjected during the impeachment hearing to announce that he was in fact winning No Nut November because he has never cummed in his entire life thanks to his mother. The press was baffled by this news, and pointed out a few contradictions in his story. How were his children born? Has he truly never touched his own penis? How does he wash it? Does he wash it?

Mike insisted that his children, including his son who is pictured with him above, were “blessings from God” and that his wife was capable of virgin-birth because of her devotion to God. When it comes to showering, Mike insisted that he would never have to, because it has remained clean for his entire life thanks to his chastity and resolve to remain pure. However, he claims that he has definitely poured some bleach down his pants in the shower now and then, just to burn away any sinful thoughts or urges festering in there. As just a simple, mortal man, even he is subjected to temptations now and then. But he would never want to disappoint his mother by cumming, and will always dip his penis, balls and all, into bleach to burn away his desires. Yes, the burning is something he enjoys. He says it brings him closer to God. Yes, he does also shower fully clothed as well.

Reporters were stunned by this breakthrough in the impeachment case, and the room remained silent for over twenty minutes as Pence stood proudly up on stage. The hearings for that day were adjourned, and everyone went home to think for a very long time.

We can only hope that Orange Man, who is Very Bad, is ousted from office as soon as possible. However, there have now been mutterings about what to do when Pence inevitably takes office in his place. Should he be impeached next? Or should he just be forced to cum once, just to see what all the fuss is about? Maybe it’d help him out a little, you know?

I Want To Impregnate Tulsi Gabbard

Please God, I want to impregnate Tulsi Gabbard so bad. I want her to bear my children with those beautiful child-bearing hips. That beautiful, radiant white angel. Like a goddess, having come down to Earth to cleanse us of our sins.

Tulsi Gabbard is beyond divine. I can’t help but drop to my knees in worship whenever I see her beautiful figure. I yearn for her in a way both primal and spiritual. I would commit more war crimes than every president in United States history just to lick the sweet, glistening sweat from her smooth, creamy skin. I want to listen to her moans as my manhood throbs within her, I want to hear her heart race as our bodies become one and our souls irreversibly intertwine in the holy sin of carnal union.

I want to suckle at her motherly bosom, slurping that rich coconut milk from her teat as she gently strokes my raging erection. I would stir her velvety Samoan cream into my coffee and let my balls boil in it. Her cries of pleasure and the rocking of our bed would be louder than the cacophony of ten thousand drone strikes. I would make love to her until my body gave out, and then some. I would let her break my rib cage with any part of her body. I would let her hit me with her car just to be near her for a brief moment.

She’s so perfect it hurts. Every moment without her I suffer a pain worse than breaking every bone in my body simultaneously while drowning and also having shards of glass coated in hot sauce forced through every orifice of my body. I want her, I need her. I want to desecrate her pure, white pantsuit. I want to start a family with her and retire after our twenty seven children have grown up and moved out. I want to see those luscious lips speak such filthy, perverse words into my ear while she slides ice cubes down my gaping pisshole.

I want to fuck her like she owes me money. I would let her step on me, just to feel the soft, firm warmth of her feet upon my face and groin area. I would sleep under her just to catch her drool in my mouth. I would fish the strands of hair from her shower drain just to smell her alluring scent, and braid them into necklaces to keep her with me always. Or cock rings. Whichever would please her more.

God please, I would do anything for her. I would relinquish my life, all my hopes and dreams, just to become the socks on her feet so that I may warm her mouthwatering toes with my very being, so that she may feel the heat of my love always. I would encase myself in cement and become her doorstep, so that she may wipe her heels upon my face. I would tear my own limbs off. I don’t know what I’d do after that, or why she might want my limbs. But I would do it.

My queen, my goddess, the light of my life. Please God, let me have her. I want her to be mine and only mine. I would lick the Doritos dust from her fingers and fill her belly button with honey mustard to dip my tendies in. I would give her a sponge-bath with my tongue every morning and serve her breakfast in bed. I would let her eat her eggs and pancakes off my body if it pleased her, no matter how painful the third-degree burns would be.

I would bear the torment of eternal damnation until the end of time to taste the seat of her car but once. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her, nothing I wouldn’t say. I would beat my own mother to death with my engorged penis if it would bring a smile to Tulsi’s shining face. I wouldn’t even let myself cum until she gave me permission.

I love you, Tulsi Gabbard. Please. Be mine. Be my wife, my lover, my everything. Say yes. I see it in your eyes, when you’re up there on that debate stage talking about Syria or whatever. Answer my calls, respond to my letters. Something. Give me a sign, Tulsi. I’m waiting for you.

I’ll always be waiting for you.

Tragic: Man Unable To Come Out As Gay After Calling “No Homo Infinity”

While it’s slowly been falling out of practice in our much more accepting society, the calling of “No Homo” before committing a deed with homo tendencies is as old as being homo itself.

But tragedy struck when a man, wanting to come out as gay, found himself unable to thanks to prior actions. In his foolish youth, he called “No Homo Infinity” while sucking his bro’s dick. With the “infinity” perpetuating his “no homo” indefinitely, no matter how much he attempts to yes homo, the no homo effect makes it null and void.

The case has gained enough traction online and gotten enough support for the matter to be taken up with the Supreme Court. LGBT demonstrations have rallied for the “No Homo Infinity” to be overruled, but justice has yet to be done.

“Well, with the infinity on there, theoretically there’s nothing we can do. You’ve made your choice, and you need to stick with it.” Someone with a blue checkmark that doesn’t really matter said on Twitter. Another replied back, “Love is love, and he has the right to contradict infinity if he wants to.”

The Supreme Court has yet to make any comments or rulings on the matter.

Shenron: “Dragon Balls Do Not Have Power To Impeach Trump”

The Democratic Party is back to square one now it seems in their quest to impeach President Donald Trump. There have been talks since 2016 of impeachment, and though they’ve been hard at work for the past few years, there still no results.

The latest plan seemed like it had just reached fruition, as Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton set off to collect the Dragon Balls and have Trump banished for good. But in a disappointing twist, the great dragon Shenron informed us that the Dragon Balls do not have the power to grant that wish.

Shenron has refused to cooperate with the impeachment case, and sources say Shenron himself may have ties to Russia.

An anonymous whistle-blower has leaked that Shenron allegedly granted a wish to Vladimir Putin to have Crimea. Clearly this wish worked, because Crimea was annexed and we all just kinda let that happen. Not even a drone strike.

The Democratic Party is now seeking to have Shenron himself impeached, and they’ve proposed that Bill Clinton take the seat instead.

Shenron has yet to comment on these allegations.

Greta Thunberg Takes Aim At Goku And Friends: “Stop Destroying Planets”

Greta Thunberg has captured the entire globe’s attention, telling world leaders around the Americas and Europe but definitely not China to straighten up their act and finally take some decisive action against climate change. The kid prodigy has bravely done what no one else had the balls to do, and now she’s set her sights on an even greater goal.

“Earth is only the beginning, we should be protecting every planet in the universe. How many times are we going to blow up Planet Namek? We cannot rely on the Dragon Balls forever, they can’t fix everything. They have limits.” said Thunberg, in a stunning call-out of Earth’s so-called “heroes”.

According to NASA findings, Earth will be a barren husk of rock and dust if Goku and/or Vegeta get into one more fight, with each other or some other monstrosity. They are solely responsible for destroying more mountains, forests, and land masses than any country, and have left more smoldering craters in Earth and many other planets than a meteor shower.

The findings only get worse when you factor in that it was uncovered in the recent FBI probe that Goku has ties with Frieza, former self-instated universal fascist emperor. Frieza has destroyed multiple planets on his own, and Goku was apparently well aware of this fact before teaming up with and aligning himself with fascism.

“The planet can’t take anymore of these fights. If we allow the toxic masculinity and culture of war that these white men perpetuate, there won’t be any home for my generation and the ones after us.” Thunberg said in a United Nations climate change conference.

Goku has yet to respond, but the UN has voted unanimously to bar Goku from fighting ever again, and has appointed the much less destructive Yamcha to be Earth’s defender.

6ix9ine Testifies That Light Yagami Is Kira

Infamous rapper 6ix9ine has been snitching on everyone since his trial began, naming a number of big names like Cardi B and Trippie Redd as gang members. It seems no one has been safe from his testimony.

The latest bizarre twist? 6ix9ine, full name Daniel Hernandez, has just revealed that the infamous serial killer Kira is in fact ordinary Japanese student Light Yagami, son of the chief of police.

Investigators are going over the evidence now, but the notion seems absurd. An upstanding young student with such a bright future, capable of killing massive swaths of people without ever leaving his house? The resemblance, however, does seem uncanny.

6ix9ine, who was facing over 40 years in prison, may be looking at under a year now thanks to ratting on all of his former associates. The snitching does not seem to have any end in sight, and though the judge has said that Hernandez has named enough people, he just keeps talking.

We will keep this story updated as the trial develops.

Latest Disturbing Report Reveals Epstein Shipped Bakugo With Ochaco

The Epstein case continues to be one of the most monumental and jaw dropping of our time. Who could have expected for billionaires, politicians, and the media to all be in cahoots with one another? Who would have guessed they’d abuse their power to commit vile acts like child sex trafficking?

We were absolutely blindsided by the fact that the wealthy elite would abuse their power like that. And yet, somehow it just keeps getting worse.

As private investigators continue to comb through whatever was left of Epstein’s private pedophile island which was tragically purged of almost all evidence accidentally by the feds, the latest report back is absolutely sickening. Epstein was a huge fan of Bakugo X Ochaco.

horrible

Records show Epstein sent and solicited Bakugo X Ochaco images and hentai to many high-profile figures and politicians, including Bill Clinton and Prince Andrew. The absolutely degenerate pairing, which makes zero sense in any context, is just the whipped cream on top Epstein’s twisted case.

Investigators on the case made the official statement “It’s not only a bad ship, it’s a nonexistent, nonsensical ship. It’s not just bad, it’s stupid. They literally interact like maybe once or twice, they have zero chemistry. Not even a hint of romantic tension. You could ship any other two characters and it would make slightly more sense, because at least then it would be two random characters instead of two random characters but one is clearly meant to be with a certain character. The only way it would make a sliver of sense is if this was some kind of weird netorare hentai thing where Bakugo just rapes Ochaco to spite Deku, but that’s absolutely degenerate.”

Luckily, the feds have decided to close the Epstein case, so we can all put this absolute nightmare behind us already and forget it ever happened.

Super Mario: “So Long, Gay Amazon Rainforest!”

Fires have been raging across the Amazon rainforest, destroying one of the most precious and important ecosystems on our planet. Experts have been calling for conservation efforts to try and save it, raising money and getting in touch with politicians. But the man in charge just will not budge on the matter.

Super Mario. He just hates forest. Can’t stand them. Doesn’t want any of them. Rain forests? Fuck them. Deciduous? Fuck them too. Coniferous? Fuck them especially. Mario fucking hates forests. And he’s burning all of them down.

wahoo

Authorities have tried to stop Mario, but he’s eluded capture and killed several members of law enforcement. Scientists fear that a doomsday scenario may be approaching, and that the forest may collapse upon itself any day now if Mario isn’t stopped.

Mario is considered armed and dangerous, and it’s urged that we all leave this to the proper authorities so that no one else is hurt. It’s imperative that we all remain calm in this situation.

At the very least, we can all rest easy knowing that the Amazon is actually burning close to average of what it usually does around fire season according to NASA reports, and the rainforest does not actually provide all of Earth’s oxygen, the ocean does.

In other news, the feds have decided to stop moving forward with the Epstein case. But that’s really not all that important.

BREAKING: Epstein Didn’t Sleep In Prison Bed Before Suicide

It’s been a nonstop series of completely unpredictable twists and turns in the Epstein case up to date that literally no one could have seen coming. This incredibly high-profile case, which has been getting exactly the amount of media attention it should be getting because the media is just and unbiased with no ulterior motives, just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

While initial reports from a completely reliable, trustworthy source confirmed that Epstein died by suicide in his cell when he knelt with enough force to shatter several bones in his neck, many were unsatisfied with this report and have pushed for independent investigations.

The latest findings from one of these reports? Epstein never slept in his bed.

While Epstein’s cell contained a simple bunk bed, suitable for him and his cellmate who had been conveniently moved right before Epstein’s suicide, reports indicate that Epstein never slept in it.

Many are now wondering, what bed did Epstein sleep in last? Where is his respawn point tied to? If it was the bed on his weird pedophile sex island, that thing has probably been torched by the feds by accident when they raided the island to gather evidence and definitely not destroy any evidence. Will Epstein spawn at the default world spawn location? Will he spawn in the Clintons’ bed, or Trump’s bed?

It still remains to be seen what this discovery means for the Epstein case, but one thing is for certain. Everything was handled with utmost competence, and no corners were cut for any ulterior means. Politicians, the media, and wealthy business people definitely do not have any stakes in this very high profile case that’s been swept under the rug, and we can trust them to report things accurately.