Category Archives: Reviews

People Die When They Are Killed, Like If You Cry Every Time

Video games are capable of conveying a vast array of emotions. Interactive media can weave grand tales that hit just as hard as any traditional form, arguably even more so thanks to the audience being directly involved.

Massive, sweeping worlds with intricate lore. Deep, symbolic narratives that make us think. All kinds of stories take form in the game industry.

And then there’s the odd PBS documentary like Valiant Hearts: The Great War you wake up to in a drunken stupor at 4am and watch with glazed, dead eyes until the darkness takes you once more.

Snore

If you never cared for the less popular prequel to World War II, it’s kinda hard to blame you. Like, who even was the main bad guy? What even happened? There were no Nazis or Communists. There were like Serbians or something? And what even is an Ottoman? Maybe if they had cool outfits like the Nazis instead of wearing padded, upholstered, backless and armless furniture on their heads, someone would actually remember what they looked like. The marketing team for WWI was very lacking. It was just kinda people killing each other.

But those people were human. That is the moral behind Valiant Hearts, the historic side-scrolling puzzle game developed and published by Ubisoft for just about every major platform. PS4, Xbone, PC, and even mobile. With or without ads. Wouldn’t want anyone missing out on this deep, heart-wrenching tale.

There’s a dog in it. You hear that? A dog. How can you possibly deny how emotional this story is?

Hope he doesn't fucking die haha

Valiant Hearts is the incredibly moving tale of the bleakness of war, told through the eyes of multiple protagonists, a dog, and some puzzles. Not very hard puzzles, you kinda just walk back and forth and do things. That’s the game.

The totally evil Baron von Robbie Rotten has been using his 100% historically accurate mechanical death zeppelins full of elaborate Rube Goldberg machines to terrorize all of Europe, and is out to steal the Krabby Patty formula. Only our lovable band of Mr. Bean impersonators can defeat him and save the world, all while watching their families and friends die in hilariously animated cutscenes.

If there’s one thing Valiant Hearts totally excels at, it’s being sad and hilarious at the same time. Everyone talks like a Muppet, there’s some cutesy exaggerated mannerisms and speech bubbles, and there’s some hilariously choreographed sequences where you dodge bombs to music. It’s great because those bombs which totally murdered a ton of people are dropping to the tune of a funny song, haha.

Allahu Ackbar

Ha, look at this goofball. Shaking his fists, and saying an object with his speech bubble. Because he can’t talk real words, he’s from Turksmackistack or whatever. They only communicate in incomprehensible shouting and obscene hand gestures. Those crazy foreigners, haha.

It’s a good thing Valiant Hearts totally nailed its ambiance and story right, because that’s the only thing saving it from the painful slog of “puzzles” making up the entire rest of the game. If you wanna learn about World War Uno from this game, hope you like walking to the right and occasionally picking things up and putting them somewhere else.

Given the option of watching an actual documentary and playing Valiant Hearts, it’s a really close shave, lemme tell ya. A droning, dull, monotone voice listing off dates and times, detailing all of the very factual and historically accurate bullshit that happened during WWI versus the trite, mundane, offensively elementary gameplay that encompasses Valiant Hearts.

how 2 make hot dog

Here’s a good puzzle. How to make hotdog. First you take the water. Then you add the hot. Then you add the dog. Just like it says on the sign, right behind the hotdog machine. It make hot dog. You win.

The gameplay is incredibly varied, including puzzles, action, stealth, you name it. And yet all of it is held back by the sluggish pacing and tedious design. It’s not fun. That is the underlying problem. The game is just not fun. Sometimes the puzzle is as simple as needing to flip a switch, but the switch is broken. So you need to go find the switch, which is in a different room. And bring it back and stick it in the socket. You solved puzzle, congrat.

It’s all thanks to the incredibly touching narrative that the game is held together at all. The totally sad, tragic tale of how war kills people dead, which still finds time to throw in some light-hearted moments where some totally wack, goofy shit happens. You could totally combine all the best clips into a Valiant Hearts Funny Moments compilation. That shit would be lit.

Peter Griffin trips and falls into mustard gas funny moment

Valiant Hearts is a beautiful game, oozing aesthetic and ambiance. It tells a tender, emotional story with the tact and respect of a Garfield comic strip over the course of several chapters of matching shapes and colors; the shapes and colors are all in another room though, and you can only move from room to room on one of those little stair lift things disabled people use to get around their house.

The game is clearly made with a lot of love, the art style is great and there’s an incredible attention to detail. They’ve really gone to the library and done their research on this guy, and it’s really pretty educational. They should start packing this bitch onto CD’s and shipping it with history textbooks or something. Because it’s educational and really fucking gay, just like the games they usually let you play at school. Except Lemonade Stand, that shit was the best. Learning math was fun.

Valiant Hearts doesn’t seem to know what it’s doing in the purest of ways, and yet it’s good at whatever it’s doing. Not what it’s trying to be, but what it’s doing. It looks good, it’s incredibly polished, and the attention to detail is there. But it’s an entry-level puzzle game that’s too slow and clunky to be a visual novel but really would’ve been better off as one, its lazy excuse for interactivity actually holding back the game instead of helping it.

Ruh Roh

It’s a tragic war story written as a Peanuts cartoon where Snoopy skateboards around with sunglasses on and fucks Charlie Brown’s mom and makes him watch because he’s just so fucking zany. That dog will burn in Hell, God damn him.

I wouldn’t call it a bad game, that would be a little too harsh on it. But to call it a good game would be a little more than an overstatement. It’s simply what it is; a documentary as a video game, a blunt, monotone stream that drags on at a slow, constant pace. Some people tune in specifically to watch it. They’re gonna be the ones that enjoy it.

And anyone else lucky enough to catch it at 5am after throwing up pizza rolls and sitting huddled in their bed, wrapped in a thick cocoon of blankets while the spinning stops, they’ll be watching. They’ll be comforted by the voices, the pictures, maybe even retain a tidbit of knowledge. But it’s not something they’d tune in to watch. And it’s not gonna be what they were watching when they were engorging themselves on several boxes of pizza rolls.

Only One Hero Can Defeat Sans The Skeleton From Five Nights At Steven’s Undertale, And It’s Wilford Brimley

Roleplaying games are some of the most diverse out of every genre, with RPG elements and themes spreading to and influencing almost everything these days.

Games of every type now utilize leveling and experience systems, and RPG’s have graced just about every kind of story. Fantasy RPG’s, sci-fi RPG’s, modern day adventures with cars and guns to weirder things like Earthbound.

But every once in a while, a game comes along and switches up the genre like nothing ever before. An unprecedented adventure, with a story the likes of which you’ve never seen.

A revolutionary story

As early man crept from their caves and huts into the light of knowledge and literature, so too shall all whom experience the greatness that is Miitopia, for the 3DS.

Never before has a game ever reached such levels of depth and immersion. Such robust artistic value. From the moment Vegeta swore loyalty to me and pledged his blade to the cause of good, to the moment the great priest Shaquille O’Neal brought Grumpy Cat back to life in the dramatic turning point in the battle against Nicolas Cage. Nothing could prepare you for the great sacrifice Hank Hill had to make, or what becomes of Guy Fieri.

“Spoiler alert”, you may say. But there’s no need. For all I’ve mentioned is but the tip of the iceberg. I’ve hardly scraped the surface of this grand tale. To know “Jurassic Park” taked place in a park called “Jurassic Park” is a greater spoiler than all I’ve listed.

Perhaps

Miitopia is a masterfully crafted title, blending the deep, complex social sim features of Tomodachi Life with a turn-based RPG formula.

You’ll get to step into the majestic world of Miitopia as yourself. Or Jack Black. Or a Minion. Or Naruto. The character selection screen is immense, spanning every possible being, living or dead, fictional or not. I can’t imagine how Nintendo got the rights to all these characters. Miitopia may just well be the most expensive game ever developed.

Characters can be assigned a variety of RPG classes, ranging from simple knights and mages to scientists, chefs, and even cats. Different classes will have different abilities in combat, and different combinations of classes will be pivotal in defeating the dark lord and saving Miitopia.

Vegeta and Shaq, power couple

Where Miitopia really shines, however, is in its efficient and streamlined RPG design. In a world where every RPG is vying to be the most bloated, definitive time-sink, Miitopia stands in sharp contrast. What makes up an RPG has been deconstructed to its very core, and reassembled for convenience and a smooth play experience.

Dungeons are simultaneously sprawling, branching mazes and linear pathways that auto-scroll, boiling down the “adventuring” to simple point and click choices. Battles are fast-paced and tactical, and yet can be mostly fast-forwarded through with minimal intervention, as your team of heroes can make choices to cast spells, use abilities, or heal themselves and allies on their own. Other recovery items that are broken down to a few basic functions are easily accessible from the touch screen, and can be used on the fly at almost any point in battle.

Off to destroy Dinkleberg

Should you wish to fully explore every nook and cranny of the game, you’re always free to. And yet, if you only wish to get the job done, the game can be breezed through with relative ease. The mechanics are surprisingly flexible, and allow whatever level of immersion one might prefer, giving a true sense of “roleplaying”. Refreshing, for a genre that’s quickly forgetting what it truly means to be an RPG.

Of course, Miitopia’s greatest strengths are also its greatest weaknesses. The simple battle mechanics and dungeons that mostly play themselves take a backseat to the “Tomodachi Life” style madness unfolding on screen at any one point. Which ultimately means that the replay value is entirely dependent on how much joy you can squeeze out of forming a party of Hank Hill and his family and having them wage war on the Dark Lord Bill Dauterive.

Damn, queen

Once you’ve seen every ketchup bottle, banana, and tearful bonding moment between Guy Fieri and Mr. Clean, there’s not much left to really see. When you’ve seen Hillary Clinton’s face plastered to a giant demonic entity, or a “Twerky”, which is a really fuckable turkey, all that’s really left is the simple RPG mechanics.

There’s only so much le random funnyz one can possibly bury in a game, and if you spend a little too much time getting acquainted with the people of Miitopia, you’ll start to notice the jokes recycling themselves and the repetitive grind of watching Sasuke put the beat-down on bad guys for you. Once you’ve hit that point, it’s a lot harder for the game to keep your attention.

like lord waffle king dot com on fb

Would I still give it a perfect score, if I used a scoring system at all? Absolutely. There is nothing more priceless than Timmy’s Dad using mad science to destroy a golem with Peter Griffin’s face on it.

Maybe you disagree. Maybe you’re the type that would rather play some Nazi game, where everything is hyper-realistic and there are no minorities. To you, I say, you’re still wrong. Because in Miitopia, you can just make your main character Hitler anyway.

In Miitopia, everyone’s fantasies are a reality. You can make the Dark Lord Shia LaBeouf, and have Alex Jones rise up to smite him. Or you could play as Bernie Sanders, and fight the Monopoly Man. There is nothing more inclusive than this game, ever, in the history of video games. An all white cast, and all black cast, a cast of all anime characters. Or just every single role, played by Jack Black.

I can’t think of anyone on Earth that could possibly dislike Miitopia. And if there are any, I will personally kill them myself.

Shmitty Washte Of My Time

Photoshop is a wonderful tool. Sure, with enough training and experience you can make ugly people look attractive and make all of the shame disappear with a few brush strokes. It’s a powerful thing. But any random kid using it can make something way cooler, like this.

A R T

You’re God damn right I made that myself. That’s some fucking skill there, man. That’s all me.

Photoshop is full of fun little tools that can make it look like you know what you’re doing when you really don’t. That’s why you need to pay for it or, you know, just find a free copy somewhere. Just lying around. I found it. So it’s mine.

And it looks like someone else found it too, because they made something pretty dank.

This is it. This is the whole game.

It’s a game! One whole game.

Nice job with the gradient tool, guy. You made some nice circles. Nice going. You did it.

This is… uh… well. It’s a game, yeah, but… the title is… well, uh… The title is a little embarrassing to say.

How do I put this lightly? Ha, that’s kind of a pun. Light. Heh. Because the game’s name is Shmadow.

This is a real thing someone is charging money for.

Shmadow. Fucking Shmadow.

Shmadow? Really? REALLY now? That’s what you’re going with? Shmadow? Of all fucking titles you’re gonna name it like you’re naming your Sonic original character? Is this named after your fursona, Shmadow the Shmedgehog? This is by far the stupidest title I’ve ever seen. If you named the game “Black Ball Assault” we would’ve gotten the same idea. The idea that you made a shitty game and dared to charge real money for it. I bought this game purely because of the name, and well, let me tell you. I was not disappointed in the least, it was exactly what I thought it was.

Well, what is Shmadow exactly? Besides the stupidest sounding word I’ve heard since “twug”, which is apparently short for “Twitter Hug” according to the nice white people on a morning talk show that were trying to tell me about the hippest new young people slang, Shmadow is a little PSchee game on Shteam. Shmadow, according to the developer, is a portmanteau of “shoot-em-up” and “shadow”. Because that’s what this game is, summed up in a word. Kind of. I, personally, would’ve named it Shmashteroids. Because it’s a shitty version of Asteroid.

It’s got the basic building blocks of a shoot-em-up. You move around the screen, aiming your nonstop barrage of white particles around with the mouse to hit all the black things coming at you. Like an interracial porno. The little white circle is you, the good guy. The little black circles are the bad guys, because they’re black. You need to stop them from mugging you, or banging your wife. Or voting. You can acquire power-ups and charge up special attacks to help you take down the bosses that’ll randomly appear. They’ll be made of a fancier gradient, and shoot bigger balls at you. Very fun sounding, I’m sure. Maybe not so bad for a dollar or two.

Look, there's even a boss. It's like a real game. Give us the money now please.

But Shmadow plays like a fancy version of Asteroids. Only instead of jagged triangle shapes they’re just big black balls. There’s no structure, bosses just kinda drop on you randomly and in no particular order. Things are just kinda flying at you from all directions, and your only real purpose is to get points. It’s like someone’s final project for their Flash class, but they waited until the last minute on the character design and just said “Fuck it, we’re doing circles”. “Inspired by light and shadow”, yeah right. “Limbo-inspired graphical style”. Sure, buddy. And Shmadow the Smegma is actually a knockoff of Shmonic the Smegma. Totally not original at all. You got it, buddy. Whatever you want us to believe.

It’s shmallow and dull. There’s not even an interesting hook to the game, unless you think a black background with a white circle as the main character is a totally killer art style. You could easily google “Asteroids” and find a free version of it to play online, which would probably entertain you about as long as this does. I’ve played better on Flash game websites. I’m not even knocking it for being arcadey, I’ve played some really fun arcade-style games. It’s just not fun to play, it’s not shmatisfying at all. If I waved around a flashlight in a dark room for a few minutes I would’ve had about as much fun as I did playing this game. You can find better shoot-em-up games on Steam for around the same price, that are actually worth the dollar or so. I bought this on a Steam sale and still feel ripped off. If you’ve seen the screenshots, you’ve essentially seen the whole game. There’s nothing else to it.

What I find most offensive and off-putting about this game is that the name probably came first, and then the game. I can totally see someone sitting at their desk, thinking of the name “Shmadow” and saying “Oh my God, thish ish the funniesht name I’ve ever come up with, I better make a game about it right now”. Was Shmadow really the best you could come up with? Really? I shudder to think of what names didn’t make the cut. Were there worse names? Is it possible to have a worse name than Shmadow?

There’s a lot of better things you could do with a dollar and some change. Like use the dollar as a little scoop to scoop the coins into your mouth. At least then you’re getting your daily required copper and zinc. Important nutrients for a growing body.

And maybe if you’re lucky one will get caught in your windpipe and you’ll get the rush of choking to death.

Krillen Will Fuck Your Bitch And She Will Call Him Daddy

The Dragon Ball series has been one of the most widely popular and iconic Chinese cartoons ever since its inception, from the original Dragon Ball where they just kinda pulled shit out of their ass every week to Z and beyond, where the entirety of the show revolves around a single fight or two that takes over a hundred episodes to build up to.

It makes sense, then, that the series should translate so well to video games. What better way to dick around and waste time then with a show that does exactly that, but with explosions and shit? There have been many iterations, many different video game spin-offs. But none with as much hype and promise as Dragon Ball FighterZ.

Finally, Krillin's time to shine

The newest Dragon Ball fighting game for PS4, Xbox One, and PC. A three-on-three, 2D fighter with beautiful animation and balanced fighting mechanics; something the Dragon Ball series has deserved all along. Which, you’d think the latter would be common sense for a fighting game. Haha, yeah. It’s a bit reminiscent of the Marvel Vs. Capcom games, which is definitely a good thing.

A lot of Dragon Ball ideas and concepts translate very well to video games, as Dragon Ball FighterZ so eloquently displays. But so, so many of them also really don’t. Many Dragon Ball staples are notably absent, from beam struggles to absurdly overpowered characters. Things that Dragon Ball’s autistic, entitled weeaboo fanbase may find absolutely necessary for a good Dragon Ball game. So keep in mind, this may inadvertently be the worst game you’ve ever played, despite my opinions on it.

It makes perfect sense that they would make it possible for SSSGSGBTQQIP2SAA Virginia to go toe to toe with Krillin purely to make the game somewhat enjoyable. Yeah, having Krillin whip his dick out to decimate every fighter in the game would be a lot more canon. But canon doesn’t mean fun. Canon doesn’t make a good game. If that’s what you wanted, Krillin’s Balls Fighters Z might be a better title for the game.

You are already dead

All of the Mario Party-level bullshit, like mashing buttons to make your laser beam stronger than the other guy’s laser beam so that your laser beam pushes his back and explodes in his face, all of it is gone. It’s just a fighting game. Is something lost by sticking to what is traditionally accepted as competitively viable? Yeah, kinda. It’s no longer a licensed anime game, it’s a real fighting game that the “eSports” people will care about. That’s what all of the hype was about. Why everyone was so excited for it, why people are celebrating it as the greatest Dragon Ball game ever.

Dragon Ball FighterZ is Pikachu putting on a suit and tie, going Super Sonic, and saying “you know what, we’re not just Narutos anymore. We’re gonna show them what we can do”. This is a formal Dragon Ball video game, appealing to a greater audience than just spastic man-children that want to play the cartoon on a literal level.

The team behind Fighter Balls Z has done nothing but show a profound respect for the property, characters, and our collective nostalgias. Everything from secret Easter eggs and cutscenes that are references to important moments from the show, to humiliating and degrading Yamcha like the worthless cuckold he is. They’ve even gone a step further, and satisfied every eager fan out there that thought to themselves “You know what, I really want Majin Buu to vore me. But I also want him to have tits. How am I, a virgin weeb, supposed to jerk off like this?” with their new original character.

Vore me mommy

And much like Dragon Ball Z, not only does Fighter Balls Z exceeds expectations in terms of raw design, aesthetic, and how fucking worthless Yamcha is; FighterZ Balls is something of a train-wreck in terms of plot and execution at times. The very ambitious Story mode introduces a new waifu for all the vore fans out there, and that is about where its accolades end.

It’s an odd, turn-based RPG hybrid of sorts. You move around a map, picking fights with evil versions of everyone’s favorite characters. You level up for beating them up, and you move on to the next chapter by killing the boss of that map. What it ends up being, however, is a slog of repetitive fights. The AI tends to flit between “almost as retarded as Yamcha, almost” to “SGBLTSAS God SSJJBA SGA Krillin”, all thanks to the convenient RPG elements. Like the Dark Souls of Candy Land.

Even if you’re at the top of your game, a character with triple the attack power and health as you is still a bitch to fight. Especially when they automatically recover their health on top of it. The majority of matches I had in Story Mode were the enemy pinned to the wall while Krillin pounded their ass like a needy housewife. The other portion, a grossly non-canon massacre where some God Mode-ass lower life-form just wouldn’t stay dead unless I had properly slogged through the endless grind of smaller fights to make sure I could withstand their power level.

The Dark Souls of Monopoly

In short, they’ve perfectly captured the essence of the show. An endless slog of meaningless battles conveying a meaningless story that you’re forced to sit through in order to get to the one big, equally meaningless battle where you fall down but get back up and say something about your friends. And then you win. Everyone always comes back to life, and nothing of value is ever lost except your precious time.

So it’s a good thing they got the whole “fighting game” thing down. FighterZ has been meticulously sculpted to be both an easy, casual fighter and a serious, competitive fighter at the same time. A tricky thing to accomplish, and yet they’ve pulled it off easily with some simple Dragon Ball magic. All of the cool things you’d want to do, like shoot laser beams and do lots of very fast punches, are a single button-press or two away. And yet, for someone looking beyond simple button-mashing, quite a bit of depth lurks under the surface.

Simple checks and balances exist to counter most “cheap” moves. A homing dash attack counters someone spamming laser beams. The homing dash, while invulnerable to beam attacks, leaves one wide open to be smacked out of the air. And so forth. However, while lower level and pro level Fighter’s Ball Z both seem pretty solid, I can definitely see a point in the middle where tempers can be flared. The sheer flashiness of how easy the game makes some maneuvers look, coupled with the easy spam potential of a lot of attacks, can definitely come across as “cheap”. And considering the spastic weeaboo player base, I can see some controller-smashing keyboard shitstorms ensuing after they get shat on by a better player.

You hurt my friends, now I'm invincible

After all, weebs don’t like Dragon Ball because of Yamcha. It’s about living the Goku power fantasy, being the invincible god that no one can touch because of their friendship, disregarding women and beating up all the bullies. That’s the reason people love Dragon Ball. That, and black kids finding the plot so relatable. Goku steps out for a pack of cigarettes for a hundred episodes, maybe he’ll get back before everything goes to shit. Next time on Dragon Ball Z.

Regardless of how good of a Dragon Ball game FighterZ is, it’s a good fighting game. It’s a game first, and licensed anime fanservice tat second. Not to say other Dragon Ball games aren’t good. But really, the public’s reception of FighterZ should be telling enough. The fact that people are talking about it, considering it a real fighting game and developing a real competitive scene around it; it’s a Dragon Ball game geared towards everyone. Not just niche anime game fans. It’s almost like it’s a real game or something.

Perhaps too real for a Dragon Ball game, considering the servers have been literally broken since launch. Almost like they didn’t expect it to be as well-received as it has been. Hopefully they sort their online issues out soon, but otherwise the game is phenomenally well-made.

Will Bandai Namco fix their shitty online infrastructure and lobby system? Will they whore out their fighting game with an absurd amount of DLC? When will the Complete Edition come out, so people can just buy that instead of paying twice the price for a stupid fighting game?

Will they add Mr. Popo as a fighter? Will Bulma call him the n word again? Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z.

Degenerate Shitposters? In YOUR Friends List? It’s More Likely Than You Think

Nintendo has avoided the mobile market for a long time. And it makes sense. Their IP’s are valuable, and a reason to buy their consoles. It’s common sense. Mr Krabs defends the Krabby Patty Secret Formula for a reason. It’s not about how much it would sell at the Chum Bucket, it’s about protecting your brand and your product.

Nintendo wants people playing Nintendo games on Nintendo consoles. They’ve always seen phones as a rival platform, and would hate for their platforms to become obsolete. But finally, Nintendo, always slow to adopt the cutting edge in favor of inexpensive but whimsical technology, have discovered the truth about the mobile market. It’s totally not a threat to the game industry, probably.

It’s not about playing games on your phone at all. It’s about getting on people’s phones, and in their head. I’m talking about what businesses love to call “viral marketing”. Memes. Every company wants some meme marketing these days. Umad, bro? Y U NO EAT THE SNICKERS. Haha, get it? Snickers is a meme. It’s what the kids say. Now give us your fucking money. Do what Orange Hair Homer Simpson says.

Nintendo knows a thing or two about what the kids like these days. They have quite the ear for memes. So when they finally decided it was time to enter the mobile market, it wasn’t with a bang. It was with a text-to-speech voice.

may mays

This is Miitomo. Welcome to the most degenerate, stupid, pointless, and entertaining app you’ll ever download.

Miitomo is, first and foremost, noticeably Nintendo. It has the Nintendo charm, and really does feel like a Nintendo experience on your phone. Available on iOS and Android; Miitomo is more of a social app than a game, and yet it feels more like a game than other social apps. It’s a very Nintendo concept, to turn some very dull and mundane thing into a game based around what you can’t do as opposed to what you can.

If you played the excellently stupid Tomodachi Life on 3DS, Miitomo will feel very familiar. It’s essentially Tomodachi Life Online.

There’s really not that much substance to Miitomo. You’ll make your Mii character, and they’ll have a nice little house for you to watch them wander around in. You can connect with friends, through Facebook or other means, and their Miis will wander into your house and your Mii to theirs. Like a Seinfeld Tamagotchi of sorts, though it’s significantly minimal. Your only real interactions with the Miis are talking to them and dressing yours up.

Chillin at my crib

The meat of the game comes in the form of socializing. Your Mii will ask you a variety of questions to better get to know you. What did you eat for dinner last night? What’s your favorite movie? What traits do you look for in a boyfriend or girlfriend? You’ll answer however you like, and then your Mii will wander off to a different Mii’s house to whisper all your deepest and darkest secrets to them. Then your friend’s know you spend your nights jacking off to tentacle hentai and shat your pants once during a school play so your nickname growing up was Sir William Shitsmear.

You can like and comment on your friends’ answers, like any other social media site. But the genius of Miitomo lies in the fact that your Mii is basically your wingman. You don’t need any icebreakers or anything to strike up a conversation with your friend. I’ve noticed that the people using it the most on my friend list are people that are usually pretty shy or suffer from some hardcore social anxiety. But with the help of a little Mii socializing, suddenly we have a lot more in common.

S O C I A L I Z I N G

nice

it's true tho

It’s a bit more than simply being online giving you a bit more courage. All of the hard work of talking to people is basically passed through a middleman that eases the process for you.

As you make friends and socialize with different Miis, certain Miis will start to ask you more personalized questions. They stay only between you and the other Mii, so they’re private basically. But they offer a chance to really hit it off and connect with someone in a meaningful way.

Meaningful friendship

And, if ever it so happens that words fail you, Miitomo has your back. If you can’t reply with text, reply with a meme.

mems are my life

Miifotos are simple little diorama scenes you can make with your Mii, your friends, and a little toy box full of stickers and backgrounds. But the real fun comes in using any picture from your phone’s gallery as a background. You can get really creative. To a surprising degree, actually.

The most notable thing to me was just how open Miitomo is for a Nintendo game. Aside from forcing you to add friends either in-person or through a site like Facebook or Twitter, Nintendo has really taken off the training wheels. You can say fuck in all its glory. It’s actually kind of jarring to hear your happy little Mii character tell someone to “fuck off and kill yourself you stupid Jew cuck”. Jarring, but absolutely hilarious.

It’s a bit of an empty game, with not much to really do besides socializing, dressing up your Mii, and making Miifotos. If you can’t entertain yourself on socializing alone, it won’t hold your attention very long. And if you have no friends, things really aren’t going to work out for you with this game. But it is free, and free is a good price.

Nintendo’s monetization is through the in-game coins used to buy outfits. You’ll get a certain amount everyday for talking to your Mii and answering questions. But outfits are pretty pricey. It takes a few days to save up a decent enough amount to buy one whole outfit. Individual tops, bottoms, hats, shoes, and more can range in price, but all the best outfits are of course going to be expensive. And that’s why you can pay real-world money for it.

Sexy

If you want a hotdog suit or a sexy maid uniform for some hot and dirty Miitomo sexting, you’ll need to save up for a while. But everything is obtainable in-game, so like any other free app/game you get on your phone you’re either gonna be sinking in lots of time or money to get what you want. It’s only cosmetic stuff, so it’s not stuff you need. But if you’re out to make the dankest Memetomo Memefotos, you’ll need a suit for every occasion.

I feel like Nintendo made a good move for their first app. There’s a lot of room to grow, sure. And they really need to if they hope to hold our attention for a long time to come, because I got bored of it super quick. But it’s something different from what we’re used to from them, and it shows they’re willing to embrace change.

Miitomo is built to let people use it as they please, whether they want to have genuine discussions with people or just want to be degenerate shitposters. How Nintendo embraces it from here is all up to them, but they definitely have the foundation for a quality social game. I can say with certainty that I’ll find lots of ways to have fun with this game in the future, and I look forward to how Nintendo updates and improves what they have here.

I’m looking forward to seeing how far things will come.

Cume

This Is What Happens To The Weird Kids That Don’t Shoot Up Their Schools

Sometimes, the best places to find inspiration come from real life. Maybe not your boring, unfulfilling, effortless life. Flitting from distraction to distraction, leisurely jogging in the hamster wheel of privileged mediocrity you call life until it’s time for you to step off and die.

But people like us, the people with lives woven like great tapestries by fate, our souls twisted and tempered in the fires of true pain and suffering, those who others call “weird”, we know what life is really about. We, who are weird on the inside. We see things through the distorted lens of a cruel reality, a world sculpted by unsaid and unseen truths. Human nature without the magic of friendship and daddy’s firm yet gentle touch.

The world is not a nice place, and coming to terms with that can fill you with all sorts of unpleasant feelings. But the important thing to remember is that it’s okay. Because no matter how rough you’ve had it, you can slap that childhood trauma onto a video game or something and sell that shit to build your own stairway to the heaven we call “the hamster wheel of privileged mediocrity”.

Hello, repressed memories

The Binding of Isaac is kind of like that. It was originally a PC cult classic that went on to later be added onto, remade, and remastered several times, before being ported to most modern consoles with the most recent being The Binding of Isaac: Afterbirth Plus. And while there are disagreements on which version is the superior and whether or not certain DLC’s are worth it more than others, the consensus still stands. This kid is fucked, and you all just love crowding around and tossing peanuts into his shit-smeared basement for laughs.

You see, this is the ultimate destiny of the weird kids out there. They may laugh at you now, kid with the mom that didn’t want a child and takes every chance she can to emasculate you and demean you that she can. But in a few years, that inner turmoil will rocket you to success. And then everyone in the world will be laughing at you. But they’ll be paying you. $4.99 for the base game. $14.99 for the remake. And don’t even get me started on all the expansions. You’re looking at about forty bucks of emotional trauma here, bud.

Binding of Isaac is a top-down dungeon-crawler, in the style of the old 2D Legend of Zelda games. But instead of a sword, you shoot tears from your eyes to kill fetuses and globs of human fecal matter. Yeah, the guy that made this could probably use some counseling or something. But who needs therapy when you can monetize the deepest essence of your tormented soul? Thank you, capitalism.

I too cry myself to sleep in the shower

Made from the same fucked-up people that brought you Super Meat Boy, Binding of Isaac brings all of that bloody, fetus aborting fun and brutal difficulty they’re known for. But now with some hilariously sacrilegious undertones. All in good fun though so it’s okay, don’t worry. You can’t go to Hell if it’s tasteful and you bring a couple cold ones to crack open with God and The Boys.

The game is an arcadey, roguelike experience, with dungeons that are never quite the same no matter how often you run through them. Different nightmares will haunt you, different strange pills or Satanic effigies will appear to avail yourself of. Even playthroughs of the same dungeon will play out differently, as the many branching paths will have you coming across different enemies and items at different times.

With each playthrough, the game expands on top of what it already provides. New items and bosses will unlock, deeper floors will become available. For someone looking for replayability, Isaac does nothing but deliver. The arcade vibe may deter some players that are looking for a more permanent investment in their character, but if roguelikes are your thing, Isaac is a perfect model of the genre. Balanced and refined to the point that every playthrough is a fast-paced flurry of bloody fetus tear lasers; each experience more climactic than the next, topped off with massive boss battles against demons and giant, literal piles of shit. Like, just one big shit, one coiling serpent of filth that’s gone unpinched. If that doesn’t sound like something up your alley, I’m sorry, but you might be better off golfing or filing your taxes like the productive member of society you are.

Poop worms

So in a sense, it’s almost a good thing that the creators have obviously lived a horrible, emotionally scarring life. Yeah, they probably suffered a whole lot. Maybe they’re still messed up from it, and the commercial success of their magnum opus still hasn’t quite filled the void. But like, this game is rad, you know?

That is the true meaning of life, you see? Everything happens for a reason, and the reason is that it’s just more interesting that way. Sure, you could be born into a perfect family that’s financially stable, and go through life without ever knowing pain or tragedy. But your mom’s miscarriage? That’s a fucking riot. That’s the kind of stuff that adds a little substance to your dull, dull lives.

And you might think to yourself, “well if the whole point of living is to suffer, why don’t I just fucking kill myself?” Let me tell you right now, that’s not the answer. Because if you don’t suffer, if you never become an artist or musician, and never put that inner turmoil to use, what will my children play?

This is nice

What movie will I take my college-educated, well-adjusted wife that I met through friends like a normal person to for our anniversary? What will we watch with the kids when we have family night? Who’s story will be on To Catch A Predator? Who’s corpse will they find on Dateline NBC?

You really shouldn’t be so selfish. Yeah, you need to suffer. But only to be interesting. For us. Come on. Everything will be okay, just cheer up. Stop being depressed. Just smile more. As long as you greet each day positively, you’ll be just fine.

You really don’t have it that bad anyway. Some kid in Africa was born without a body, so you really should just be more grateful.

A Very Shiny, Chrome Piece Of Shit

Hundreds of games are made every year. Massive, AAA games. Indie games, mobile games, and all kinds of games in between.

Most games are eagerly eaten up by one market or the other. There’s a clear consumer base for most games. But every once in a while, a special game comes along. It’s not a hit with most people, some might even think it’s stupid. But it hits all the right notes with a small group of individuals. Games with tiny, niche fanbases like this are usually very special. Near and dear to the hearts of those that played it. Usually it’s just a one-off game, not even a series. Sometimes it has a sequel or two. Sometimes the fans eagerly await the rumored sequel with bated breath.

And sometimes the company responsible for it decides that they need to shit all over everything and fuck everything up for everyone.

I am very upset.

You see this cute little chrome mother fucker? Adorable, right? Yeah, think a-fucking-gain.

This is not good. This is not good at all.

One of my favorite Gamecube games, Chibi-Robo, has gotten a new sequel. It’s had a few in the past, which tried but never quite lived up to the original. The original Chibi-Robo was a weird little game. But it had really smart game design choices, and it had a heart. It was a shame that they could never quite recapture the same spirit of the original.

So Nintendo got the bright idea to turn its failing game series around with Chibi-Robo Zip Lash for the 3DS. Yeah, let’s just take this very niche game that people really loved and make it into a big-time seller everyone will love!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. NO NO NO. THIS IS ALL WRONG. FUCK YOU, NINTENDO. THIS IS ALL FUCKING WRONG, AND YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING ASHAMED. THIS IS NOT HOW THINGS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE, AND YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING ASHAMED YOU SQUINTY-EYED PIECES OF SHIT.

NO. THIS IS NOT HOW YOU FUCKING DO IT NINTENDO. THIS IS NOT RIGHT. YOU CAN’T JUST FUCKING DO THAT. YOU CAN’T TAKE A BELOVED GAME CHARACTER AND SHIT ALL OVER HIM IN THIS WAY.

Chibi-Robo isn’t my beloved little robot with a heart of gold anymore. He’s a sham. He sold out, man. With his fucking PEZ CANDY. PEZ is paying him the big fucking dollars now. He doesn’t need to care about helping people anymore. Character development, what? No, he’s got big money now. Cheebs is rolling in the dough. He spends his time snorting crack off of the most expensive hookers he can buy. He’s got trophy wives, literal ones. He buys attractive women and has them solidified in solid gold. They die, but it’s a beautiful thing. Until they start to smell at least. But that’s what FEBREZE BRAND AIR FRESHENER IS FOR, RIGHT? BROUGHT TO YOU BY CHIBI FUCKING ROBO MOTHER FUCKER.

It's really not THAT bad.

Zip Lash is honestly not too bad of a game. It’s nothing special, but it’s tolerable. It’s uninspired, and unoriginal. But I mean, your kids probably won’t know any better. If you hate your kids, definite recommendation.

It’s a platformer, like Nintendo is famous for. Jump around, collect shit. Use the little plug on your butt to solve simple puzzles. Fight enemies by aggressively whipping them with your butt plug. You collect trash sometimes and need to plug into random outlets to charge up, JUST LIKE CHIBI-ROBO DOES.

It’s honestly okay. There’s some weird gameplay things, but it’s okay. It feels soulless though. Nothing really stands out about it, it just feels generic. It feels like they had a checklist of what makes a good platformer and what makes something “Chibi-Robo”.

It’s like the Adam Sandler movie of Nintendo games. Anyone that knows better will think this game is shit, but most people would be able to play through this and think it was decent. Meanwhile Nintendo gets by on shipping out a shit game stuffed with product placement and cashes in on a literal piece of shit with a junk food advertisement stuffed inside.

I don’t usually mind product placement, but in Chibi-Robo of all things? It feels abrupt and weird. It doesn’t feel natural at all. When I first saw a treasure chest open and fucking PEZ flew out at me, I was confused and scared. I wanted to laugh, but I wanted to scream. It was uncomfortable, like when a waiter jerks off in your drink but you’re out having Mother’s Day brunch with your mom. You don’t really wanna say anything, you don’t want to ruin her special day. You don’t wanna say “Hey, don’t nut in my orange juice” in front of your mom.

Nintendo has done product placement well in other games. Pikmin 2, one of my favorite Nintendo games, uses it pretty well. It feels more fitting. But Chibi-Robo is supposedly environmentally friendly and shit now, since when would he support big business? All those plastic bags and wrappers from the junk food he’s collecting, is he gonna properly dispose of that? It never shows him throwing it out. It never shows if he’s recycling them.

Chibi-Robo is a fraud. He only cares about the environment for the tax write-offs. He’s a greedy corporate pig.

One of the stupidest mechanics in the game is the “Destination Wheel”. You can’t pick which level you play, you spin a wheel to randomly choose. And if you can’t roll the right number, you play a level that you already played.

Mmmm, that's-a good gameplay mechanic. You can't decide where you're going. You'll go where we send you.

And the easy way to make the wheel land on the right number? Use the coins you collected to purchase the correctly numbered panels to replace the ones you don’t want.

Cheebs is looking to milk you of every cent he can. He started from the bottom, cleaning the floor with a toothbrush and helping a dysfunctional family reconnect. And now look at the monster he’s become. He wouldn’t even let you choose what level to play without paying his tax.

Nintendo has stated that if Cheebs doesn’t get his act together, this could be his last game. And though the thought of losing a loved one initially filled me with dread… I welcome it now.

This is not the Chibi-Robo I once knew. This is not the happy little robot I once loved. Now he’s just someone that I used to know.

Put the bullet in his head, Nintendo. End it. Can’t you see he’s suffering? Success has ruined him, he was a one-hit wonder. He doesn’t know where to go from here. Let him die. Let him leave with whatever shred of dignity he has left, before it’s all gone. It’s all downhill from here for him. He’s gonna shoot up some heroin and die in a pool of his own blood and vomit after slitting a prostitutes neck and fucking her corpse. End it before he crosses that line.

I’m begging you.

Eat My Ass, Retro Circlejerking Fuckwads

Yall got your heads so far up your asses, I don’t think you’d know a real game if it punched you in your gosh damned mouth.

I enjoy retro games. They’re good. NES, SNES, arcade shit even. Donkey Kong, Space Invaders, whatever the fuck. Pac-Man. I’m cool with that. I’ll stick a quarter in the slot, give it a whirl.

But if you’re seriously gonna pay 10 whole mother fucking dollars on some arcade-ass shit nowadays, that’s 40 whole quarters, yall need to rethink what you’re paying for.

Eyy, that's pretty good

Ultratron is an alright game, available on just about every major platform. PS4, Xbone, PC, Wii U, you name it. Pretty good shoot-em-up, nice arcade-style game. Very colorful, the action is intense. It’s definitely a bullet-hell at points. You get to shoot your way through a bunch of levels, which are all actually the same level because you’re stuck in the same arena for the entirety of the game. But you’ll get to fight a couple bosses, and it’s really great.

Ever play Robotron? It’s kinda like that. Literally. That’s probably why they called it Ultratron, so people would say “hey, I remember that arcade game, here’s ten dollars”. And then they would make 10 dollars.

Ultratron does some great things to pull the genre forward, and yet blatantly ignores how far the genre has come since then. It’s kinda like Blockbuster.

Very nice, good job

You stick around in the arena, fighting waves of enemies. Killing them gets you money for upgrades, extra health or stronger guns, things like that. You can buy turrets to set around, and even extra robots to fight alongside you that can also be upgraded. That’s pretty much the game’s claim to fame, it’s like an arcade game but not because you can do that in it.

Aside from that, it’s your usual arcade shit. Bosses are alright, there’s some little mini-game segment things. It’s ultra flashy, always a million things happening on screen at the same time. If you have epilepsy you’ll probably die if you play this or something. And you can collect fruit. Like Pac-Man.

And that’s pretty much it.

That's it.

Ultratron doesn’t do anything fantastic. Ultratron doesn’t do anything great, or anything to blow you away. In fact, it goes out of its way to not impress you at every turn. It’s fun as an arcade-style bullet-hell, but it does absolutely nothing to break the mold.

The mold is what Ultratron is playing up on. The whole point of Ultratron is that it’s Robotron but with a couple modern things like upgradeable weapons and more flashy special effects. And that’s fine, you know, they had a vision and they went out of their way to make it happen. It’s a modern Robotron.

But Robotron can go fuck itself, for 10 whole dollars. The fuck you mean? I’ve played more impressive games at Chuck E. Cheese. And everything there costs only one token. That’s 25 cents. I wouldn’t blow more than a dollar on this game. Yeah, there’s a lot of flashy lights and shit. But it’s literally a fucking arcade game.

Yall for real? 10 bucks for this?

Would you blow 40 fucking Chuck E. Cheese tokens to play a fucking 80’s ass arcade game? Because I wouldn’t. I’m not denying that it’s a decent experience, but it’s a decent, cheap experience. I spent maybe an hour on this shit and was done with it. Maybe less than an hour.

There’s a strong lack of content here. Anyone praising this as “fantastic” and “how you do twin-stick shooters” is full of shit. This is the bare minimum of what equates a “modern twin stick shooter”. It’s a modern arcade game. Big fucking deal. The biggest draw to the game is that you need to unfocus your eyes to play it because there’s always a clusterfuck of lights and shit going on. And that’s not even a good thing for some people.

If I had the choice between playing this game at Chuck E. Cheese and playing that stupid game where you gotta stop the light in the middle of the thing to get a million tickets? I’d play the stupid ticket game. And Chuck E. Cheese ain’t even got decent prizes anymore.

Chuck E. can take his thousand ticket lava lamp, plug it in, and sit on it. Cheap-ass Ratatouille mother fucker.

There’s Something in The Water and It Ain’t Adderall

It’s hard, being a gamer in the modern age. So many big names and so many franchises have gotten so ambitious. Everything needs to be a massive, sweeping adventure with a grand plot that stretches across great trilogies.

Where are the games for me, guy who ate glue through grade school? I can’t focus on one thing for that long. Every little thing catches my interest. How am I supposed to play these games if my dick is stuck in the peanut butter jar again?

But now there’s finally a game for me. Finally, something I can get behind. A clusterfuck of flashing lights and colors to remind me of the time Uncle Frank stuck his finger up my butthole at the carnival.

rAnDoM dAnCiNg

Shütshimi, the working class man’s shoot-em-up for PS4, Vita, Wii U, and PC. You can’t beat a classic like this. Pure side-scrolling arcade shooter action, with a dash of WarioWare and off the ritalin.

Nothing like some wacky, zany shooting fun. There isn’t enough zany anymore, there really isn’t. Everything these days has to be “cool” or “epic”. Wacky and zany have been left in the dust. But just a few minutes of this bad boy and you’ll be all “gadzooks, this is so zany”. You’ll see the light, you’ll understand. All those kids having fun in 90’s toy commercials, they’re truly woke.

Shutshimi is, at its core, a fast-paced mess. In a good way, most of the time. Like the designers just huffed some Pixy Stix and sometime in-between the exhilarating high and checking into the ER because their art director wouldn’t wake up, one of them just said “hey fellas, let’s make a game where like, shit just happens, you know?” and all of them immediately agreed that it’d be a far out idea.

Of course sea bears are real

You’ll blast through randomized, bite-sized levels that exponentially pile on more and more bullshit, throwing another gimmick in every ten seconds so that every waking moment of your existence is suffering. You’ll randomly be bigger, or smaller, or gently drifting upward or downward. Your weapons will change, your power-ups will change, and if you’re lucky, you just might make it to one of a few special boss fights.

This isn’t the kind of game one would sit down and actually play. Not without some kind of learning disability at least. But the multiplayer options mean that if you’re looking for some kind of random game to dick around in with the lads, this one makes a fine addition to the collection of literally any game if you’re drunk and/or high enough.

And this

The only issue then becomes, how to get your friends to play with you without them thinking less of you. Everything here, just, the game’s overall aesthetic design, it’s just too much. They would never understand.

The game is just too wacky, too zany for the mainstream. It’s just trying so, so hard to be your friend. And as fun as it would be to have friends over to play it, I don’t think anyone wants to be the guy that says “Hey, do you wanna hang out with my stepdad? He just got a motorcycle, and he’ll buy us all chewing tobacco”. I’m sure he’s a great guy, but no one wants to hear this middle-aged man with a comb-over commenting on your 16 year old female classmates’ asses.

As far as indie retro shooters go, hey, it’s something. Literally everyone makes a retro shooter at some point, and you know, most of them are generic rehashed garbage. At the very least, no one will ever be able to say that about Shutshimi’s strong “personality”. And for that, it deserves some respect. Sure, it might be a little better if it was a tiny bit more focused, had just a bit more content, and wasn’t just an idea someone pulled out of their ass during a Fun Dip-fueled fever dream. But you know, that would defeat the purpose of Shutshimi.

Some games are fine just the way they are. You might consider it a disorder, but I think it’s just one more thing that makes each and every one of us a special, unique, one-of-a-kind individual.

The Number One Reason To Come To Brazil

Football is a major American sport and a multi-billion dollar industry. Players make more money than I’ll ever make, even though I should be making billions doing the essential job of reporting on real video game news.

But American football dwarfs in comparison to real football. The original football. The one that’s played all over the globe. “Soccer”, as we call it. But outside the United States, it’s referred to as “futbol”. That’s Spanish for football.

This is the real football. This is how it’s really played.

A U T H E N T I C

This is an authentic futbol game, as it’s played overseas. It’s also incredibly popular in Mexico and South America, but down there it’s a blood sport.

“Futbol” is a sports game available on all of the major home platforms. Xbox One, PS4, and PC. Unlike American football, futbol is a lot more hectic. Instead of ripped dudes chasing each other around and reaching between each other’s legs to grab their balls, futbol requires piloting Brazilians across a field and using them to push the ball into the goal to score.

Futbol is widely recognized as an eSport, Olympic sport, and something that cool people with friends usually play. I’m not really an expert on sports, I always brought my Game Boy to gym class and the other boys would try to touch my penis when I was changing. I don’t think that’s a part of futbol. Maybe American football, but not futbol.

my favorite team

I’m kind of a pro futbol player. Really big deal. It’s like my Brazilian and I are one when we play. We can feel each other’s thoughts and act in perfect sync. My team and I, the Pigeonfuckers, we’re kind of a thing. Big sports team. Major league.

Anyone can play futbol. Not everyone can be a real pro like me, but anyone can get into it. And that’s the real beauty of it. Futbol is like the Super Smash Bros of sports games. It’s over the top, high octane, and above all fun at every level of play. From playing it together with a couple of your bros to high level pro futbol at the Olympics, it’s a satisfying and well-made experience.

Quick matches and accessibility work to futbol’s advantage, allowing anyone to enjoy the stupid fun of knocking Brazilians around, while the focus on skill and teamwork leave room for the competitive scene to flourish. It’s a simple concept that’s executed perfectly, justifying the fact that it’s the most popular sport all over the world. There’s a reason why the trade of professionally bred Brazilians is a trillion dollar industry.

hole in one

Like any addicting multiplayer game, futbol nails you with all of the extra collectible cosmetic microtransactions. You can fully customize your Brazilian with different bodies, hats, and other junk. A dangerous gateway to gambling, but not the shadiest that goes on in a typical futbol league.

In South American futbol, things are often lit on fire or tipped over, though the same base mechanics are at play. It’s a bit more like cockfighting. Only one team of Brazilians ever makes it out alive. If that. Sometimes not even a whole team. The South American spin-off is illegal in most other countries, but it’s a thriving industry down there.

Regardless of the occasionally seedy background, futbol is a great time. It’s amazing to think that real futbol could be such a huge industry outside America, but here we couldn’t care less for it. It’s a shame, really. It’s a much more elegant sport, for a more civilized age. Running around grabbing balls and spanking each other might appeal more to the lowbrow crowd, but it’s far from the art that is futbol.

I’m also better at futbol than football, and people that are good at football are stupid and don’t even deserve to have my lunch money. While they’re at the gym working out their body for football, I’m at the library. Working out my mind for futbol. I’ll show them who’s the real faggot one day.

GOAT

Futbol manages to bring so many people together of all different kinds, if you still haven’t played a game of authentic futbol you really are missing out. Even if the professional scene isn’t for you, just hanging out and playing with your bros is a great time. It might not be the best experience all by yourself, but like I said, only cool people with friends play futbol anyway.

Some people spend all of their lives training for futbol. It’s not just a game to some people. It’s destiny. For you to not play it, that’d be like a slap in the face to all of the people that dedicate every ounce of their being to the game. It’s serious business, futbol. It’s not like football at all. The stakes are higher.

I can only hope that someday America grows wise to what a sham football is, and that someday we’ll evolve and learn to play futbol like the rest of the world. Just like the metric system. And shitting in the street. We are so behind as a civilization, and it just makes me sick.