Category Archives: Reviews

I Fucking Hate Snoopy

I fucking hate Snoopy. Stupid little bitch-ass dog, piece of shit. I fucking hate him. What’s he ever done? I’ll tell you what. Jack shit.

That fucking dog is such a fucking cunt. You see the way he treats Charlie Brown? His fucking owner? The guy that feeds him? Man’s best friend my ass. He’s a disrespectful little shit. Charlie Brown should kick his fucking ass.

He took over the whole fucking series. Charlie Brown is supposed to be the main character. But no. Fucking Snoopy. He stole the series from his owner, he’s always trying to smash Peppermint Patty even though she clearly likes his owner, and the little bitch has the balls to demand food from him after all that. Snoopy is gonna burn in Hell.

Stupid cunt

Snoopy’s Grand Adventure, available on PS4, Xbox One, Xbox 360, Wii U, and 3DS.

Snoopy is such a fucking dick. Who the fuck does he think he is, walking on two feet like he thinks he’s hot shit. Lemme tell you, Snoopy. You ain’t shit. You ain’t shit, Snoopy. Go to Hell you piece of shit. Useless cunt. All you ever do is lay around, eat, and do that queer LARPing thing. You think you’re in a war or something, you think you’re shooting down enemy pilots? You’re a fucking disrespect to this whole fucking country and all of its veterans.

Listen here, Snoop. You’re a joke. A loser. And sooner or later, you’ll have to wake up from your little fantasy world. No one likes you. You’re an obnoxious dick to everyone. Your owner and all of his friends. You think you’re so cool, but you’re a middle-aged dog trying to fit in with a bunch of children. Trying to pose as a fucking college student with those stupid fucking sunglasses while you hit on little girls. That’s some creepy-ass shit, man. Pretty sure what you’re trying to do with Peppermint Patty isn’t just morally wrong, it’s illegal.

No, no, no. Stop.

Using your ears as propellers to fly like a helicopter isn’t fucking physically possible you dumb fucking dog. Your clear disregard for physics and gravity are not funny. You think you’re some kind of harmless cartoon, but what happens when some kid decides to fly like Snoopy and fucking jumps from the Empire State Building, huh? Not only do you prey on them like the twisted sexual deviant you are, you’re a bad fucking influence on them too. You should really be locked up. You should be getting the electric chair or something.

I can’t stand this stupid fucking dog, man. I just fucking hate him. Can you believe this guy? Can you fucking believe it? He’s a menace to society. And it’s about time we all stood up to him and said no. No, Snoopy. No.

Your days of exploring lands of make-believe and collecting jelly beans are coming to a fucking end, Snoop. Hear me and hear me well. The day will come. Oh yes, mark my words, Snoop. Your day of reckoning is coming. When an evil wind will blow through your little playworld, and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I’ll be there, in all my glory, watching. Watching as it all comes crumbling down.

I will fucking kill you

Wearing all your silly costumes, masquerading as different people just to fit in. Who even are you, Snoop? Who are you, really? Do you even know anymore? You don’t even look like a beagle. Ugly fucking dog. You hide behind your many masks, preying on little kids and abusing your owner, escaping your sick reality with all your little escapist diversions. The only thing you ever really have to look forward to is your owner dropping whatever meaty slop you eat into your little dish. The owner that will eventually snap, that will eventually get sick of your abusive bullshit and have you put down.

But maybe that’s what you want. Huh, Snoopy? Is that what you fucking want? Is your self-destructive indulgence of food, underage girls, and sadistic treatment of your owner all just you looking for a way out? Hoping someone will stop you, help you? Hoping that you pass painlessly in your sleep, choking on your own vomit or put down in a safe and humane manner?

Well I’ve got something to tell you, Snoop. I’m gonna make your life a living hell. I will make you regret every second of your life. I will fucking waterboard you.

Go on. Quit.

That’s right, Snoopy. You walk through that fucking door. Give up. Quit. That’s all you can do. That’s your only way out.

Go ahead, Snoop. Turn your back on the world. Delve deeper into the lies you tell yourself. No one will ever love you, Snoop. You’ll never find anything to fill the void in your soul. You’re an empty husk. If you weren’t a fucking asshole, one might be inclined to feel sorry for you. But no, not you. You deserve to have your balls nailed to a cross and your guts pecked out by crows.

You useless piece of shit. I fucking hate you. Kill yourself.

Finally I Can Collect Enough Anime Girls To Sate The Crippling Loneliness In My Soul

The mobile market has long eluded Nintendo. First Mario would never be on iPhones. Then Mario was on iPhones. It wasn’t exactly worth the wait. They made a meme generator too. The results were all over the place.

It’s been a learning experience for everyone. They didn’t quite understand the finer points of what mobile gamers really want the first few times around. But they’ve wised up now. They got you, fam.

People don’t play shit like Angry Birds or Temple Run anymore. Old memes. It’s all about thick anime bitches now.

Nice

Millenials are all about multitasking. When they sit on the toilet and whip out their phones, they’re looking for a robust experience. With big tiddies, and little girls that are actually centuries old to masturbate to.

If I can’t take a shit and jerk off while playing a video game at the same time in current year, what even is the point to being alive? I may as well move out to fucking Utah and start wrangling cattle to stick my dick in or whatever the fuck they do there. Like a third-world fucking country.

Nintendo wised up though. They’re living in the present now, not in 19-fucking-who gives a shit. Now they got that good shit.

Anime girl fight

Fire Emblem Heroes is their first good mobile game. Their first mobile game that anyone gives two shits about. Maybe three. Maybe more. The sky is the limit for how many shits people will give for Fire Emblem Heroes. The fucking sky.

Anyone that’s played Fire Emblem will find the mechanics familiar. Grid-based, turn-based tactical RPG combat. Now with easy touch controls, so even your grandpa can figure it out. Grandma is fucking dead, so do grandpa a solid and show him this game so he can spend retirement busting fat loads on anime girls.

The catch to Heroes though, is that you don’t start with an army of girls. You need to earn them all, the hard way. With your real-world cash. The premium currency, Orbs, can be redeemed for a random pick from the anime girl lottery. If you’re lucky, you’ll get one old enough to be your mom. Or one barely old enough to call you mom. If that’s what you’re into. It’s all up to luck.

It's called chloroform

From a game standpoint, Heroes is not half bad. Especially for a mobile game. It really shrinks down the real Fire Emblem experience right on to your phone. There’s a whole story mode and everything, and all sorts of side quests and daily missions to tackle.

An impressive amount of work has been put into the presentation, with full portrait art and voice work done for each and every hero. Even the ones no one cares about, like the old guy that isn’t even an anime girl.

The only real issue I’d ever run into was the amount of content readily available for playing. Instead of hitting a paywall right away, the first thing I really hit was a “is that it, am I done?” wall. An issue they’ve been working to fix, with constant events and updates with special anime girls always dangling tantalizingly over your wallet. But it has happened enough on occasion to be noticeable.

Like chess, but with anime

The genius of Fire Emblem Heroes, however, is in its business model. Paying for Orbs to get different anime girls is never really required. A workable amount can be earned through gameplay and daily bonuses.

And yet people will blow hundreds of dollars on it anyways. Just because they want some tiddies. People will genuinely blow real 3D money just to get some 2D anime bitches.

No one pays for porn anymore, but these weebs are out here paying upwards of $74.99 for some anime shit. Not even naked or anything, just fully and/or partially clothed anime bitches. No nipple or anything.

So while, for the most part, everyone gets to enjoy this great, technically free game, the entire thing is funded by fucking weebs. And really, that’s the economic model all countries should be adopting. Fuck communism, man. Everything should be free, and funded by fucking weebs paying for anime shit. There is no downside to it at all. Anime is already a huge fucking market, man. And these weebs don’t care. They’ll spend a hundred bucks on the chance to get their 8 year old cartoon wife.

All taxes will be in the form of anime loot boxes, and will all be completely optional. No one will have to pay them, but all those weebs will be lining up just to get some anime shit.

Don’t worry, guys. I solved capitalism. I’m gonna start writing my letter to the U.N. right now.

If Everything On XVIDEOS Was This Eloquent We’d Have Colonies On Mars By Now

Okay dude, I don’t even know what the fuck I just played, but I’ll try to break it all down for you. Journalism can know no boundaries.

Japanese games are big now, with the weeb market growing more and more each day, there’s just no stopping it. Anime hentai RPG games, titty ninja rip their clothes off games, all that shit. It’s everywhere, infesting every genre. This is what we get for nuking Japan. The radiation is in the atmosphere now, it’s in the dust we breath, the Hostess brand Twinkies we eat.

And now this game, I’ve just got no fucking clue. I don’t speak bukkake, I couldn’t figure out for one second what the fuck this game was even about. But boy, lemme tell ya, this shit was fucking intense. Like that funny green stuff they eat at Asian restaurants.

I don't think that follows the dress code

Now this game is called Fate (Forward Slash) Excedrin: Umbreon’s Star. The forward slash is very important. It’s like the R in Toys R Us. But in Japanese.

Umbreon’s Star is a Chinese Dynasty Warriors game for the PS4, Vita, PC, and Nintendo Switch. Unlike past Dynasty Warriors games that take place in Japan and pit you against ninjas and shit, Fate Excedrin takes place in China. You’ll need to jump through the fabric of spacetime, beating up robots and hentai girls. Like they do in China.

Remember, not all Asians are Japanese. Some of them have fox ears and elegant female penises.

Take that, round-earthers"

Excedrin has a very compelling plot. The Earth is suddenly a Rubik’s Cube, and there are robots trying to take over. But you, someone’s first deviantArt character, have the power to stop them with anime girls named after famous historical figures. Like George Washington and Joseph Stalin.

But wait, there’s fucking more. Get this, the whole game is in fucking Chinese. Some dingaling totally forgot to translate it. Where’s 4kids when you need them? Someone needs to get on this shit, how am I supposed to play anything if I can’t read it?

Can you understand a word of this gibberish? Because I fucking can’t.

Complete nonsense

The game itself on the other hand is wholly unimpressive. Not bad or anything, just like, it’s fucking Dynasty Warriors. Off-brand Dynasty Warriors at that. There’s nothing spectacular about a Great Value brand, Made in China Dynasty Warriors.

Wal-Mart Brand “Regime Dudes”, just as good as the name brand but at half the cost. Except it costs the same and has anime tits in it, which is kind of a fair trade-off. The in-game models are very nice and have jiggle physics and everything. But that’s really the only thing compelling about the game. The plot is gibberish, unless you’ve apparently watched the mangos and read the amiibos.

If you’re a fan of Dynasty Warriors, hey, you might kinda like it. Sure, it’s not quite as polished, and the combat might be a little more on the repetitive side. The plot is garbage, the characters are incredibly flat. Personality-wise, the titties are fucking huge. And that’s really what matters in the end, isn’t it? The titties? That’s why I bought this game. Isn’t it why you’re reading this right now?

This is a lie and you know it

Dynasty Warriors aren’t typically all too great when it comes to a lot of things. Like eating steak at Applebee’s. Who the fuck eats steak at Applebee’s? Really? It’s unappetizing, the presentation isn’t all too great, and it’s a cheap chain restaurant take on a high-class restaurant dish. Sure, people order it. But are they morally right for doing so? No. They’ll burn in Hell. But when you strip away the little presentation that Dynasty Warriors has in favor of titties, what is there really?

The finished product is a mishmash of pseudointellectual sci-fi nonsense and button mashing, all in order to attempt justifying wanting to wank off to some jiggly anime titties. Is it really worth it in the end? Is paying full price for a video game, sinking hours into it, and sitting through paragraphs of meaningless techno-babble lore just to see some virtual titties shake really worth it?

The answer, of course, is yes. What, y’all really gonna judge a fella? You get to take a bath with your virtual cartoon wife, and you can see the tops of her boobies. That’s like, what, second base? Fuck outta here with your negative vibes, man.

Hey Kid, Ya Wanna Buy Some Space Wizards?

Big budget games walk a very fine tightrope. They take incredible funding to produce, and need to make that all back and then some.

As technology has advanced, consumer demands have grown, and the amount of funding that games require has skyrocketed. AAA, big budget games can’t be made by a couple of Asian men in a garage with a calculator anymore. They need entire teams now. Departments, even. More people are involved in these projects than there are living in the state of Wyoming.

But there’s only so much one person can pay for a video game. This is where things get a little murky. How much is too much? Does it differ between games? When we pay the full price of a game, what are we even paying for? Are paid DLC and microtransactions acceptable, and if so, to what degree?

These are all very important questions we need to consider. Unless you’re Activision, because in that case, it doesn’t fucking matter. Those fucking idiots will eat up your shit regardless. Ha ha, fuck you consumer. This is what you get for trying to have fun and joining the hype. That should teach you to ever be excited about a video game again.

Space wizards are pretty cool though

Destiny has been one of the most influential titles of the new generation of consoles. The MMO-lite style has gone on to inspire a number of titles in similar fashion, and the industry has been forever changed by it. Not the genre, though. Not just the genre, at least. No, the most inspiring thing about Destiny has been its business model.

The MMO genre was pretty big in the past, and titles like World of Warcraft have dominated the wallets of many. You’d be surprised how many people will pay just to have virtual friends and pretend to be a horny elf on the internet. And though they’ve fallen out of style, the industry has learned. They’ve learned how many times you’re willing to pay for a game that you already own, and they’re bringing those business models over. Adapting them, perfecting them.

Since Destiny’s launch, people have had to pay quite a bit just to experience the whole game. A full $60 game, more if you reserved one of the special editions. Two $20 expansions in its first year, bringing the total up to $100 for the first year alone. But if you wanted to play more the year after, you’d need to pay $40 for that expansion, and $30 the year after that for a grand total of $170 on game content alone, though the number can certainly be higher depending on which versions people bought and if they’d given in to any of the microtransactions that were slowly introduced, before being violently stuffed down the throats of anyone trying to play the game.

But we haven’t even touched on what the game even is yet. Not that it really matters to the people that made the game.

It's like an alien but with a medieval name so it's different"

Destiny is an RPG shooter hybrid, mixing the fun of MMORPG games with guns and space, but toned down enough to work on a console. A space fantasy epic, Destiny had a lot going for it. It was ambitious, it was new and different. It was developed by Bungie, the Halo people, for the new Xbox One and PS4. Sure, it was on Xbox 360 and PS3 too, but that was only because people would still pay money for the game on those consoles. It was really the real start of the next generation. Halo is dying anyway, we needed something to take its place.

It wasn’t just space though. It was space fantasy. With space wizards and shit. Like if someone just took World of Warcraft, but pushed it into space. It was gonna be like a real MMO, with a grand story and in-depth lore. There was a 10 year plan. 10 whole years of epic space wizard lore.

The real tragedy though, is that the game wasn’t actually too bad. Flawed, and definitely a ghost of what it could have been. But you can see faint hints of the game’s ambition, somewhere between the microtransactions and endless, mindless grinding.

You can ride things too

Destiny is a mess. It could have been a full-fledged RPG, and yet it was both stretched out to become an MMO and then stunted to be a “lite MMO”. The mechanics are all fairly solid, it feels like Halo from a shooting standpoint, and the RPG mechanics aren’t super in-depth but there’s lots of numbers involved. Numbers mean RPG, right?

And yet at the end of the day, Destiny is still a fairly empty game. A problem that’s partially remedied by the expansions, but not even. Because while they can definitely add content, they can’t give Destiny the soul that’s been stolen from it. The tone of the gameplay, the attitude the game has.

Destiny is the avoidance of a game. Destiny doesn’t want you to play, it doesn’t want you to have fun. The grind is not fun in Destiny, but that’s all there is. The microtransactions are there for you to skip the grind, so you can jump right to the front of the line to join the better grind. The grind that all of the cool kids are playing, grinding for whatever grind comes after that one.

Hey guys, don’t play Destiny. Yeah, the people that made this game, they don’t want you to. Just pay them to skip the game. It’s really not that good anyway, and it takes so long just to level up. Just don’t play it. You should buy it and play with your friends, but like, just skip all the boring parts.

Shoot big things

There are high points to Destiny. The biggest pay-offs are the raids, though there aren’t too many and they’re mostly the stuff you’d have to buy separately in an expansion. But they are there. And in order to get that far, you’ll need to grind until you’ve hit the right level, playing through the not-so-great parts of Destiny until you’ve worked your way up that far. Unless you’d rather just take the easy route and pay for the ability to play.

The mechanics have been nailed in better, less expensive games in the past. Borderlands is a fantastic shoot and loot hybrid RPG kind of series, one that doesn’t lock you into paying for the same game multiple times or even playing online. Abundant with content, that doesn’t punish you for wanting to play it. And Borderlands, wildly enough, has a more cohesive plot. That whole 10 year plan thing? Yeah. there’s no story. All that lore? Yeah, it’s in there. Somewhere. You could probably find it if you dig around, read a couple paragraphs. There’s space wizards and things.

And an explosion

Little secret for you, anyone could write a Destiny. You just need to know which words sound cool and combine them. There’s probably some kind of online generators you could use too. It doesn’t even need to make sense, it’s only an MMO. Here, yall mind if I Destiny real quick?

The Council has called for you, Great One, to combat the Ancient and save the planet. The Ancient is an evil that is threatening to destroy the whole galaxy. Please, watch out for the Worms. Worms are an ancient race bent on destroying all of us. Use the Force, save the Watchers. Only you can unite the Kingdom of Moonlight and drive out the Bees of Mercury.

The trick is to capitalize words to make them look important and ominous. Watch out for the Worms. Not just worms, but The Worms.

L O R E.

And a giant ball

The game has been out for a while, and you can buy all the content in a collection now for not that much at all. But there lies the biggest problem of all. Was there ever a right time to buy Destiny? Anyone passionate enough to dedicate their time to it would not have waited until the full collection came out to pick it up on sale. If you wanted to ride the hype and have fun with everyone else, you would’ve had to be first in line to get fucked over along with the whole community.

You don’t have the same experience as they do. You don’t understand what they felt, you don’t get the same enjoyment they do. Was there a time in-between that was a good time? After the first expansion? The second? When there was still some hype, but it would’ve cost almost three times the cost of a standard game?

Destiny was a game at one point, I’m sure. Someone over at Bungie had a vision. Space wizards and shit. But that person is dead. Men in suits circumcised Destiny, draped the foreskin around a cactus, and charged people to give it a lick. Sure, some people might really enjoy it. And they’d never know the difference.

Me when I read Destiny lore

But Destiny could have been more. It could have been an actually good game, not just something that’s fun because that’s what the gang is all playing. Because anything can be fun with friends. You can have a good time flushing milk down the toilet if it’s with a couple of the lads and everyone’s having a good chuckle.

Destiny sets a new precedent for punishing players. Punishing players for jumping on too soon, or too late. Punishing players for trying to play the game without spending more than the standard $60, and punishing players for just wanting to skip the bullshit and have fun. This is what you get for playing Destiny. In a world saturated with all sorts of RPG games, all of which demand a substantial time investment, this is what you get for not giving us more money. Everyone is doing it, come on, don’t you want to be a gamer?

Come on, it’s fun to ride the hype with your friends. Real gamers are used to this now, every game is doing it. It’s just a little $200 and hours of your life you’ll never get back. And hey, your progress doesn’t carry over either.

But remember, it’s not about the destination. It’s about the friends you make along the way.

Sonic Games Without Furry Porn Are Actually Pretty Good

Sonic the Hedgehog has been iconic ever since his debut, way back in the golden age of gaming. While he’s never quite topped Super Mario in terms of popularity, he’s always had his niche.

It’s hard to write off his charm. He goes fast, he’s way cool, and he’s instilled an innate sexual attraction to anthropomorphic animals in innocent children all over the world. And while his 3D games have been about as much fun as a blindfolded furry convention orgy, his retro stuff has always held up.

The reason for his modern era suffering isn’t a mystery. Sega doesn’t know what to do with him. More furry stuff? Less furry stuff? More Green Hill Zone? More Shadow the Hedgehog, more guns? They got no fucking clue. There’s no pleasing their fans. So the solution was easy.

You know what you want. Make your own fucking game.

Blast Processing

Sonic Mania, available on all modern home consoles, is a breath of fresh air. It’s as if Sonic was running through a tunnel of farts and decomposing bodies, as he often does in those deviantArt comics of his, but he kept going towards the light and found himself in a beautiful meadow with not a furry convention in sight.

Sonic Mania is the game Sonic deserved. That all of his real fans deserved, after all these years. It was made by fans, for fans, and that’s the most beautiful thing about it. Sega actually made a Fur Affinity account and commissioned hardcore fans to make the game. Hopefully other developers adopt the approach too.

I was always of the opinion that Super Mario was far superior to Sonic. Sonic platformers were good and solid, but Super Mario has always been on a completely different level for me. But Sonic Mania is the first to really make me question my stance.

Gotta Go Fast

Bringing back all the fun and nostalgia of retro Sonic, but remixed and shaken up with new content to keep it fresh, Sonic Mania never feels like a nostalgia cash-in. It’s a full, new game. Inspired, and made with love and respect for the source material.

Sega fanboys aren’t hard to please. They could’ve literally made a game that just looped Green Hill Zone endlessly while a deep, breathy voice repeated “blast processing” over and over. That was an option, and everyone would’ve bought it anyway because Sega does what Nintendoesn’t. But they didn’t.

Sonic Mania rewards the player for knowing more about the series, but never punishes newcomers or takes advantage of the inherent nostalgia. The clever Easter eggs and subtle nods are never patronizing, and it never feels like a corny flashback episode.

Sonic Eats Tails' Ass

Level design manages to be intuitive and genuinely genius at some points, even with the returning stages, and they have fun while doing it. It feels whimsical and fun in a way many Sonic games never have. It actually feels like they just asked a bunch of kids to design the game. Which, they kinda did. I’m sure a couple of those guys identify as kids.

The impressive amount of content surpasses that of past Sonic games not just in quantity, but in quality. Power-ups like elemental shields from Sonic 3 return, but in a much more meaningful way, allowing players to interact with elements of the level itself. And the bosses are some of the best designed in the series, with a few surprises thrown in to keep people on their toes.

It’s near impossible to not like Sonic Mania, even as someone that never preferred the Sonic games. The excellent soundtrack, art, and incredibly fluid animation don’t just pay Sonic the long overdue respect he deserves, but stands on its own merits as a pinnacle of retro-inspired games as a whole.

Sonic Eats His Own Shit On Camera

I can’t remember the last time a modern Super Mario sidescroller made me feel the way Sonic Mania did. It really felt like being a kid again, in that magical, wonderful way.

Sure, it might just be part of Sega’s plan. Bring out the kid in us with Sonic Mania, then have Sonic Forces touch the shit out of the kid in us when that comes out. But for once, the future of Sonic is looking exceptionally bright. Maybe, just maybe, his days as a living toilet are over.

That artwork will never disappear off the internet, and those fanfictions will remain online forever. But his games might just be his redeeming factor from now on. And I’m 100% okay with that.

14 Years Is Probably Legal If They Have Tentacles

Splatoon was a surprise hit for Nintendo back on the Wii U. It was a fresh IP on a dying console, and yet it was still a huge success for them.

Wild how anything can be big in Japan if it has little girls and tentacles.

So it comes as no surprise that Nintendo was hard at work whipping up Splatoon 2 for their latest console, the Nintendo Switch. My only question is, how much work did they actually put in?

I love splattering

Splatoon 2 is a great game. It brings all the hectic, feel-good fun of Splatoon, but in portable form, with enough touches and retouches to make it an improvement over the original.

Weapons and specials are more balanced, all of the content that was free DLC in the first is now here at the start, and there’s a new Nazi Zombies mode to give you a break from splatting little girls.

But aside from the new Nazis you need to ink up, Splatoon 2 doesn’t feel like a new game. To call the game samey would be an understatement. It feels like the first game almost to a T. A Splatoon: Hentai of the Year Edition, but reskinned to be the sequel.

Rolling Around at the Speed of Sound

The game’s single player campaign feels much more fleshed out in terms of introducing new weapons and gameplay elements that one would encounter in the multiplayer, but still follows a sort of puzzle-platformer kind of theme.

While the level design shows a clear improvement, the levels also all feel like they could’ve easily been in the first Splatoon. Like it could’ve just been DLC or something, really.

Graphically, the game also looks brighter. And the cum definitely has a strong consistency. Just look at this bukkake.

big cume

That’s a big cum, my dude. And it’s got some shiny, thick texture now. New lighting or something.

That’s really all Splatoon 2 really brings to the table. It’s Splatoon 1, but you don’t need to wait for the full game to come out, and it’s actually pretty balanced.

Some kind of local multiplayer that didn’t require multiple consoles would’ve been nice, it is a home console and all. I know it’s very online-oriented, but like at least two players? Co-op at least?

That’s literally the Switch’s biggest selling point, it’s the only console that you can still play local multiplayer on with games that aren’t fucking Lego games.

The eternal struggle, little girls vs. probably legal girls

Nintendo has stayed true to their character design though, and the game’s style and charm are as strong as they were.

It’s as satisfying as ever to fight for the honor of your imaginary squid wife that you masturbate to, though Splatoon 2 has left the sisterly duo from the last game behind in favor of a new war between flat-chested girls and big tiddy girls.

And even with all that, with the fantastic new Nazi Bukkake mode and everything, while the aesthetics and gameplay are still incredibly well-done, it still doesn’t really feel like a true sequel. It feels like a half-step more than anything.

Nazi Zombies is really the best new addition

But at the end of the day, who’s really going to notice? Only one Wii U system was ever made, and all the different players all had to share that one console just to play Splatoon 1. They couldn’t have played it for more than a few hours, and I doubt they remember anything about it.

I wouldn’t call Splatoon 2’s likeness to the first to be a detractor really, it’s more impressive than anything that the FBI haven’t raided them for all of their extensive knowledge on little girl fashion. Like that’s gotta be illegal, right? Whoever designs the swimsuits for babies must be in prison. Just think about it.

How does one even find themselves in a career designing swimsuits for infants and toddlers without being put on a sex offender list? Like either some guy is specially designing swim suits for kiddies, or some guy is in charge of looking at normal swimsuits and then saying “Ah, yes, this one would look great on a small child”.

Like how does that interview even go? Do you have to apply for the position, is that something you need to earn? What kind of qualifications are there?

Either way, Japan is definitely all over that. They’ve got the market splattered.

Fisting Black Chicks Is The New eSport

Fighting games, since their inception, have almost always followed a similar formula. The Street Fighter series set the standard for fighting games, and most games to come after have followed by its example.

Other major games would offer their own subtle tweaks to the formula, introducing 3D space, or platforming elements. But no matter what, it would almost always be recognizable somewhat as an offshoot of the 2D, side-scrolling fighter genre.

Until now. Nintendo, the pioneers of innovation, have decided that it’s time for a change. Fuck side-scrolling, fuck button combinations. The next eSport? Wii Boxing.

Wii Fucking Boxing

You’re gonna need to waggle the fuck out of your opponents if you want to come out on top in their new IP for the Switch, Overwatch.

Overwatch is a multiplayer boxing game, pitting colorful minorities from different countries against one another to win the Privilege Belt. You can play as Chubby Asian Woman, Strong and Independent Black Woman, White Woman, and a whole assortment of gays. It might not say they’re gay in-game, but they are. Trust me. Look it up on Tumblr. Everyone is gay, and also probably transgender.

A clever combination of party game and “competitive fighter”, Overwatch is pretty basic on the surface, but can get much more in-depth with its massive amount of customization options. But most importantly, the motion controls are optional. And in that, Nintendo has already crafted a great game.

True Competitive eSport

I did not have high expectations for Overwatch when it was first announced. I was not impressed by the premise. I did not like the look of the game. I was very unhappy with it, and thought Nintendo was wasting its time with yet another gimmicky party game.

And though I wouldn’t call Overwatch a true, overwhelming success, they’ve surprised me with how good it ended up being, and that is a victory in itself.

It feels like an actual fighting game, though a quirky one at that. The motion controls are actually surprisingly accurate and fluid, though they can’t match standard buttons in efficiency. The customization options do present some form of strategy, and the characters are colorful and likable.

D.Va, ready to stream video games with my boobies out

It almost feels like a bizarre third-person shooter of sorts. You’ll fire off your slinky arms to fist your opponent, with different arms having different properties. Some are rapid-fire, some are slow and heavy.

Dodging, blocking, and throwing are all in the mix too, like your standard fighting game. And your arms can be charged up to give them unique properties, like electricity or fire.

It doesn’t have the same elaborate fighting game combo shit most fighting esports are known for, there’s not a ton of unique frame data to analyze or move priority to learn. You can punch with your left hand or right hand, and that’s about it. And in that sense, I’m not sure just how long it’ll stay relevant to the fighting game community.

The robot dog is gay and the robot cop is actually Black Lives Matter

But most important of all, it’s fun and balanced. There isn’t much in the way of cheap strategies that aren’t easily counteracted, the different characters and stages are fun to play, and there’s a fair amount of content at launch to learn.

The only real detractor from the game that I can see is the “first installment in a fighting game” syndrome. Even with all of the stuff they got right, it’s pretty bare in terms of extra modes and fighters. There’s some little mini-game type modes, like Lucioball and shit. But those don’t offer much besides a little cool-down from heated multiplayer matches.

Once you’ve played through the Arcade mode and fiddled around with the online for a bit, you’ve essentially seen everything the game has to offer. Nintendo will be supporting it with free DLC and content updates, but so far, a couple new characters and some new equipment options isn’t enough to really bump the game from “pretty good” to “a true eSport”.

An Perfect Ass

Where Overwatch goes from here is entirely up to how Nintendo supports it, and where they go with the inevitable sequel. Right now it straddles a fine line between party game and fighting game, much like Super Smash Bros. The game doesn’t actually know what it is, and is too in the middle to really be one or the other.

Whether they make Overwatch: Brawl or Overwatch: Melee next will determine what audience the game ultimately captures, and how the series will fare in the long run.

All we know for sure is that Nintendo has made groundbreaking advancements in next-gen ass sculpting technology. Just look at that succulent ass up there. And Zelda’s, from Breath of the Wild.

The future of the Nintendo Switch, and all of Nintendo’s games to come, will surely utilize this power. There will be lots of ass in our futures.

I only hope Sony and Microsoft can catch up in time before it’s too late.

Stop Holding My Hand And Let Me Masturbate Already

The Pokemon series has come quite a long way. From the very first games for the Game Boy, all through the many sequels and spin-offs, the world of Pokemon has grown exponentially and touched many, many lives. I’ve been a huge Pokemon guy ever since the first games, and whenever a new one is announced, I’m always nothing less than enthralled.

They’ve been with me through it all, man. When I was learning to read? There’s a lot of reading in Pokemon. When I was learning to make friends? Pokemon was what brought us together. And when I started touching myself for the first time? Yeah, I busted some fat nuts on Pokemon.

And then Pokemon Sun and Moon came along. I followed the news all the way up until release. I reported it all, right here on WWW Dot Lord Waffle King Dot Com. The designs looked great. The game looked perfect. I was sure this would be the greatest one yet, beating out my previous favorite that was Black and White.

I was very, very wrong.

Crazy how Pokemon Sun and Moon can eat my ass

Pokemon Sun and Moon have to be the greatest train-wreck of a Pokemon game I’ve ever played. To simply call the game “bad” wouldn’t quite explain the situation well enough, but I wouldn’t hesitate to call it my least favorite Pokemon game. And it really breaks my heart.

In my time playing Sun and Moon, I lost interest several times. Something that’s never happened to me before in a Pokemon game. I had to force myself to complete it, and only because I wanted to know who all the characters were so I could jerk off to hentai of them.

I mean, you can’t just whack it to a girl you don’t know. What kind of animal does that? Someone that doesn’t respect women, that’s who.

Pokemon games have slowly become more and more bloated over the years, but Sun and Moon are the first to ever truly be weighed down by it. Sun and Moon doesn’t know who it’s catering to anymore, and in an attempt to please everyone, they’ve really only succeeded in providing a clusterfuck of things that really don’t mesh well.

Just let me walk the fuck around

It’s an incredibly ambitious game, don’t get me wrong. Graphics are great for a 3DS game, and the presentation is phenomenal. A great soundtrack like always, and the Alola region has to be one of the best out of all of them. The Pokemon designs are fucking fantastic, all of the characters are likeable and well-developed. And surprisingly, even the story is great. The writing potentially rivals Black and White, actually. There’s real character development and everything. Not just a fat kid that likes to dance. In that sense, I’d actually rank it as one of the best Pokemon games. Possibly the best.

And yet the promising plot and world-building is held back by what I can only assume was corporate meddling on the Pokemon Company’s part to try and make the game appeal to the little shits sucking their glue through a straw because their negligent moms let them play Pokemon Go in the fucking street. Maybe they felt like they had to compete with Yo-Kai Watch and try to make the whole game into one long cartoon episode.

Fuck that shit though.

I wanted to explore Alola. I wanted to catch Pokemon and immerse myself in this world. I wanted a grand adventure. What I got was a special ed class Easter egg hunt. Getting lead by the hand to all the conspicuously placed Easter eggs, and having them all pointed out to me and placed gently in my basket by an adult so that I wouldn’t accidentally shove them up my ass by mistake.

It’s like going to Disney World with gassy Uncle Boris. No, don’t go on ride. Uncle Boris no feel good. Uncle Boris eat too much asparagus. Please, keep walking. We walk around park and go home.

Elsa and Snow White could be flashing their tits and beckoning you to join them on the fucking tea cup ride, but no. Keep walking. Look, there’s Mickey Mouse over there. No, you can’t go say hi to him. That’s not a part of the fucking tour. Keep walking.

This bitch about to get Sandy Hooked

The entire first half of the game feels like one long tutorial. It doesn’t at any point let you go to explore on your own time. You go where it tells you, you explore the way it wants you to. Read all of the dialogue, do the battles it presents to you, watch all of the completely unnecessary cutscenes. Why so many cutscenes? Pokemon doesn’t need that many. The cutscenes are done very well, yes. They help to build up the characters and make the emotional impact they deliver in the end that much more powerful. Sure. But the same was accomplished with N in Pokemon Black and White, and it didn’t require stagnating the whole fucking game.

When the action does open up, during that entire first half of the game that spans two of the region’s four islands, it hardly even makes a difference. The islands are designed in such a linear fashion, there really isn’t even a need for the map that takes up the bottom half of the screen. It’s a straight, Point A to Point B map. There are no “dungeons” in the same sense that older Pokemon games have had. Caves, forests, and other places to explore are kept to a minimum, and when there are some, they’re usually presented as part of the game’s “trials” which replace the gyms from older games.

Which would be fine, if it didn’t hold your hand through trials just in case battling a singular wild “Totem” Pokemon with slightly higher stats than usual was too hard for you. It tells you very clearly where to go, what to do, and how to do it. The mini-map on the bottom screen, which is an unfortunate waste of UI space, always has a very clear marker point of where you’re supposed to go. It’ll even offer you little hints. Say, didn’t the professor go that way, you know, where the little red flag is? Gosh, there might be something important there. Let’s go there.

There’s genuinely a point in the game where the map will present a goal for you, and then instead of just letting you go there, you’ll walk out and find that an NPC was out there waiting for you with a brief cutscene telling you which way the mini-map, that’s always on the bottom pointing you in the right direction, wanted you to go. And then it’ll proceed to lead you there, having you follow the NPC all the way to the trial site. You know, in case a giant red flag on the bottom screen was too hard to find.

And that’s after the fucking two island-long tutorial.

Why wasn't I vaccinated

This was a big step in making the game autism-proof, I get it. It was to make sure that the generation of kids raised on Angry Birds and fidget spinners could play the game just like everyone else. But there’s no way to turn it the fuck off? I wanna play Pokemon games too. Come on.

Pretty much every older DS Pokemon game used the bottom screen in a better way. Even Pokemon Ranger. I’d rather draw fucking circles than put up with this bullshit. Sure, make the completely redundant mini-map the default. But there’s so much more you could’ve put there.

The incredibly promising Poke Pelago, a touch screen-based way to interact with your Pokemon, is locked away in menus when it could’ve easily been at your fingertips at all times. And on top of that, every time you want to use it, you need to watch an unskippable cutscene of your trainer traveling to the fucking Poke Pelago just to use it.

The touch controls are also fairly sloppy with Poke Pelago, something surprising considering Pokemon’s years of slowly perfecting its touch screen UI. There’s so many tiny sprites on the bottom screen moving around, it’s easy to accidentally tap the wrong thing when you’re just trying to collect some God damned beans.

So many strides have been made in eliminating annoying quirks that the games have had for ages, and yet all the tiny steps towards progress are fucked up by glaring bad design choices.

It’s really sad, it really is. It’s like a Miss America pageant contestant in Pokemon game form. It’s really fucking gorgeous. I’d fuck it. And the script, clearly, had had a lot of work put into it. But in the end, it’s just really fucking stupid. If you asked Sun and Moon what it meant to them to be a Pokemon game, they would ramble on incoherently about Pokemon games bringing people together for ten minutes, and then point to an Alolan form Pokemon and say “Kanto, remember?” You can get your favorite Pokemon from the first games, but now they have a much more exotic penis.

It's not incest if it's gay

And yet even with the shitty execution, I still felt the emotional climax at the end of the game. Which made it so hard for me to accept how much I hated it. By the end of the game, I wanted to love it, I really did. But now all I feel is the disappointment of how much better it could’ve been if they didn’t butcher it.

A Pokemon Sun and Moon where I get to explore all of the islands without cutscenes every couple steps. Where there aren’t ten different forms of point markers to tell you where you’re supposed to go at any given point, and I can play the game to its fullest without worrying about accidentally overpowering myself. Almost every cutscene ends with someone giving you ten Max Revives. And they heal your Pokemon for you on top of it. There was really no reason to ever use healing items or Pokemon Centers, which are now conveniently located on almost every route now instead of only towns, because everyone would heal you before every major battle anyway. There was a time where I actually used healing items, because I was towards the end of the game. But no, they were wasted. As soon as I approach this powerful, endgame trainer, someone steps in and pitches me an entire medicine cabinet and heals my Pokemon for me.

There’s a difference between “Oh, just turn the Exp. Share off, then it won’t be too easy” and “Oh, just don’t talk to anyone, don’t buy anything, don’t battle too much, don’t explore the miscellaneous side-quests on each route, don’t use the Poke Pelago, turn Exp. Share off, don’t look at your bottom screen, ignore all of the cutscene dialogue, and don’t do any of the StreetPass Festival Plaza shit or whatever. Come on, it’s not too easy”.

It’s like if they made a reality TV show where you have to live in the same house as 8 different grandmas, but try not to get fat from them stuffing you full of food. You can refuse all you want, but they’re gonna get you. Even if you eat only three times a day, you’re gonna die of cardiac arrest. And you’re only allowed to murder one, the rest have to go from natural causes. There’s no way you’ll take home the million-dollar prize. You have better chances of beating the robot from Jeopardy.

Even the obnoxious feature where Pokemon call for help doesn’t do anything to balance the game, it just makes it more of a drag.

Fuck Corsola

“Too easy” or “for casuals” would be the cop out verdict. The truth is that the game is just miserably balanced, relying on an instant gratification-style of gameplay and a slow-paced narrative that makes the game intolerable. The point where things start actually getting good is the brief half hour before it cuts to the credits, and then the game is over before it even starts.

It’s like not being able to get your peepee up and then when it’s finally up you blast your load immediately.

I think a lot of people did not actually like Sun or Moon, despite the overwhelmingly positive reviews. I don’t think a lot of people played it all the way through, actually. It’s a lot like when No Man’s Sky launched, and everyone was pretending to love it until someone said something about it. Several people told me Sun and Moon was just fantastic, and then they’d say “yeah, I’m on the second island now” and then they’d just leave the game for something else.

I think a lot of people just watched all the leaks and then beat off to hentai of the new characters and then just pretended like they finished the game. Not saying that no one at all enjoyed the game, I’m sure a lot of people did. A lot of people could’ve looked past the glaring flaws and loved it for what it was.

That doesn’t stop the fact that it’s still the only Pokemon game I’ve ever played that I didn’t have fun with. And that will be a mark of shame that the game has to wear. I almost wish that all I did was watch the leaks and never play the game. I could’ve lived with the illusion that Pokemon could do no wrong.

But no. I had to be a gentleman and learn the names of all the trainers before looking up hentai of them.

This is why chivalry is fucking dead.