i do not wish to commit suicide

BREAKING: Epstein Didn’t Sleep In Prison Bed Before Suicide

It’s been a nonstop series of completely unpredictable twists and turns in the Epstein case up to date that literally no one could have seen coming. This incredibly high-profile case, which has been getting exactly the amount of media attention it should be getting because the media is just and unbiased with no ulterior motives, just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

While initial reports from a completely reliable, trustworthy source confirmed that Epstein died by suicide in his cell when he knelt with enough force to shatter several bones in his neck, many were unsatisfied with this report and have pushed for independent investigations.

The latest findings from one of these reports? Epstein never slept in his bed.

While Epstein’s cell contained a simple bunk bed, suitable for him and his cellmate who had been conveniently moved right before Epstein’s suicide, reports indicate that Epstein never slept in it.

Many are now wondering, what bed did Epstein sleep in last? Where is his respawn point tied to? If it was the bed on his weird pedophile sex island, that thing has probably been torched by the feds by accident when they raided the island to gather evidence and definitely not destroy any evidence. Will Epstein spawn at the default world spawn location? Will he spawn in the Clintons’ bed, or Trump’s bed?

It still remains to be seen what this discovery means for the Epstein case, but one thing is for certain. Everything was handled with utmost competence, and no corners were cut for any ulterior means. Politicians, the media, and wealthy business people definitely do not have any stakes in this very high profile case that’s been swept under the rug, and we can trust them to report things accurately.

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