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Nintendo Announces The NEW Cardboard Box

Not to be confused with a cardboard box, the NEW Cardboard Box features enhanced features and gameplay mechanics.

Lord Waffle King, published January 18th 2018

Nintendo surprised us all yesterday with its sudden announcement that "a new way to play" was going to be announced on that very night. And then on top of that, announcing something none of us would have ever seen coming. Everyone was all expecting the unveiling of Nintendo's online program, or of some new Switch accessory that everyone wanted, or even like a game or something.

But what we got was a new iteration in a video game console we haven't seen since before the NES.

That's right. Nintendo is making Cardboard.

The original Cardboard Box first came out way back in 1890, when Nintendo's original founder Yamauchi made the jump from selling playing cards and hookers to selling video games. The Cardboard Box was their very first console and predecessor to the NES, and had a stellar lineup of games including "Pretend The Box Is A Fort", "Hide In The Box So Dad Can't Find Us", "Listen To Mom And Dad Argue From Inside The Box And Pretend You're A Spy", and "Crying Inside The Box".

The timeless tetralogy of "Stick Mr. Muffins Inside The Box", "Where's Mr. Muffins", "What Are Airholes And Where's Mr. Muffins", and "Sticking Mr. Muffins 2 Inside The Box, Now With Airholes" is one of the great classics of the late 1890's and possibly the first instance of video games as art.

And now Nintendo is bringing all of that back in the NEW! Cardboard Box. With full backwards compatibility to play all of your original Cardboard Box games.

Advanced Box Action

The NEW! Cardboard Box features enhanced face-tracking, a new control nub that allows precise input for the camera controls, increased storage and battery life, and Amiibo support. And not just any Amiibo, but all of them. You'll be able to fit as many Amiibos as you can carry into your box, and it'll hold them all with a near unlimited amount of storage space. If things start getting a little tight, you might need to stomp it down a bit, but it'll definitely hold at least one of all current Amiibo products.

And not just that, but it's Switch compatible too. You can take your Switch with you into the box to play, and you can just play in there for hours. It'll be like you're playing a game, while you're playing a game. Can you believe that? This is truly the future of gaming.

The NEW! Cardboard Box is currently dated for this year on 4/20, and will retail for $69.99. Nintendo is on a fucking roll now.