Pokemon Ultra Sun And Ultra Moon Will Feature More Furries Than Ever Before

Nintendo has been hard at work developing the latest in the Pokemon series, Pokemon Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon.

After the massive success of Sun and Moon, which I personally thought was kind of a clusterfuck, Nintendo has been trying to find ways to top their hit. And the answer, of course, is more furries.

Do you know how much furries will pay for stuff? They’ll pay you hundreds for art. Just art. I don’t know where they get this money, probably in checks from the government, but they’re big spenders.

The latest trailer from the Pokemon Company shows new characters, a new fursona, and apparently a new story. I’m hoping they fix the gripes I had with the game, like actually letting me fucking play it instead of watching it.

Furries will apparently have a much bigger role in the plot going forward. The player will have to decide on a fursona early on, and you’ll be able to romance your different Pokemon.

Some new Pokemon-Amie mini-games will also be introduced, and the graphics are simply astounding.

Now in full, glasses-free 3D

I didn’t think the 3DS had this kind of horsepower, especially in 3D. But Nintendo is pushing the 3DS to its very limits for, what we can assume, is the last Pokemon of this console generation.

New details will continue to be teased going up until launch, and we will be covering them all right here on Lord Waffle King Dot Com.

Pokemon Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon will launch for 3DS on November 17th.

Blizzard Finally Settles On New Name For Their Online Gaming Service

Battle.net should be a familiar name for Blizzard fans. It was the name of their gaming service for the longest time, before it was killed last year.

“Blizzard” was the new name, a name that not many people cared for. Blizzard, of course, liked it. Because Blizzard is their name. And they like things being named after them. But the name change did not go over well with everyone.

The public outcry against the stupid, confusing new name pushed Blizzard to compromise though, and they’ve settled on a new name. Blizzard Battle.net.

Blizzard

“Look, we like the name Battle.net. We really do. It’s a great name. It’s our name, it’s always been our name. But we needed to make a compromise to make everyone happy.” Blizzard’s official statement goes.

“There was a lot of hate on both sides. The fans, angry at us for making things unnecessarily convoluted. And us. We fucking hate the name Battle.net. The blame is really on both sides here. I mean what right do the fans have to be angry at us, we can name things whatever we want.” The statement goes on, ranting for several paragraphs, but none of it really matters.

No one is going to ever call it “Blizzard Battle.net”, everyone is just gonna call it Battle.net for short, so what was really accomplished here? Nothing. Nothing at all.

But hey. You’re gonna go buy some more Overwatch loot boxes anyway aren’t you. Do you really have room to talk?

14 Years Is Probably Legal If They Have Tentacles

Splatoon was a surprise hit for Nintendo back on the Wii U. It was a fresh IP on a dying console, and yet it was still a huge success for them.

Wild how anything can be big in Japan if it has little girls and tentacles.

So it comes as no surprise that Nintendo was hard at work whipping up Splatoon 2 for their latest console, the Nintendo Switch. My only question is, how much work did they actually put in?

I love splattering

Splatoon 2 is a great game. It brings all the hectic, feel-good fun of Splatoon, but in portable form, with enough touches and retouches to make it an improvement over the original.

Weapons and specials are more balanced, all of the content that was free DLC in the first is now here at the start, and there’s a new Nazi Zombies mode to give you a break from splatting little girls.

But aside from the new Nazis you need to ink up, Splatoon 2 doesn’t feel like a new game. To call the game samey would be an understatement. It feels like the first game almost to a T. A Splatoon: Hentai of the Year Edition, but reskinned to be the sequel.

Rolling Around at the Speed of Sound

The game’s single player campaign feels much more fleshed out in terms of introducing new weapons and gameplay elements that one would encounter in the multiplayer, but still follows a sort of puzzle-platformer kind of theme.

While the level design shows a clear improvement, the levels also all feel like they could’ve easily been in the first Splatoon. Like it could’ve just been DLC or something, really.

Graphically, the game also looks brighter. And the cum definitely has a strong consistency. Just look at this bukkake.

big cume

That’s a big cum, my dude. And it’s got some shiny, thick texture now. New lighting or something.

That’s really all Splatoon 2 really brings to the table. It’s Splatoon 1, but you don’t need to wait for the full game to come out, and it’s actually pretty balanced.

Some kind of local multiplayer that didn’t require multiple consoles would’ve been nice, it is a home console and all. I know it’s very online-oriented, but like at least two players? Co-op at least?

That’s literally the Switch’s biggest selling point, it’s the only console that you can still play local multiplayer on with games that aren’t fucking Lego games.

The eternal struggle, little girls vs. probably legal girls

Nintendo has stayed true to their character design though, and the game’s style and charm are as strong as they were.

It’s as satisfying as ever to fight for the honor of your imaginary squid wife that you masturbate to, though Splatoon 2 has left the sisterly duo from the last game behind in favor of a new war between flat-chested girls and big tiddy girls.

And even with all that, with the fantastic new Nazi Bukkake mode and everything, while the aesthetics and gameplay are still incredibly well-done, it still doesn’t really feel like a true sequel. It feels like a half-step more than anything.

Nazi Zombies is really the best new addition

But at the end of the day, who’s really going to notice? Only one Wii U system was ever made, and all the different players all had to share that one console just to play Splatoon 1. They couldn’t have played it for more than a few hours, and I doubt they remember anything about it.

I wouldn’t call Splatoon 2’s likeness to the first to be a detractor really, it’s more impressive than anything that the FBI haven’t raided them for all of their extensive knowledge on little girl fashion. Like that’s gotta be illegal, right? Whoever designs the swimsuits for babies must be in prison. Just think about it.

How does one even find themselves in a career designing swimsuits for infants and toddlers without being put on a sex offender list? Like either some guy is specially designing swim suits for kiddies, or some guy is in charge of looking at normal swimsuits and then saying “Ah, yes, this one would look great on a small child”.

Like how does that interview even go? Do you have to apply for the position, is that something you need to earn? What kind of qualifications are there?

Either way, Japan is definitely all over that. They’ve got the market splattered.

EA To Nintendo Fans: “We’ll Support Nintendo Switch, But Only If You Pay Us One Million Dollars”

Big news for Nintendo Switch owners. EA just might actually support a Nintendo console. For once.

News comes from an interview with EA Worldwide Studios executive vice president, Lucifer, Son of the Morning, that EA is looking to support the Switch much more than past Nintendo consoles, but they’re still being cautious.

“Yeah, our games have typically undersold on most Nintendo platforms, and we’re just not sure why. We’re thinking of releasing an HD remaster of FIFA 12 on the Switch, but if it doesn’t sell we’d need to reconsider our stance on supporting the console. Honestly, things just don’t look too good for the Switch right now.”

Exclusive screenshots of FIFA 12-2: Rooney Returns

While fans have questioned why EA doesn’t just release a newer FIFA game for the console, or at least the whole FIFA 12 trilogy instead of just FIFA 12-2: Rooney Returns: Special Edition, Lucifer had no comment on the issue.

“Yeah, if this one game doesn’t sell, I think we’re just gonna have to call it quits for the console. I think, realistically, if at least half of all Switch owners bought the game, we could consider it a win for the studio. And hey, if maybe some people wanna buy it twice, that’d just be swell. We might even open up donations from willing Switch players, to pay us while we think about which games to port to the console. Right now we’ve got a pretty good feeling about our Switch build of Bionicle: The Game” Lucifer went on, twirling his little moustache.

I think our choices here are limited, but obvious. Everyone here needs to purchase FIFA for the Switch if we ever hope to see that HD remaster of Bionicle. I only hope five copies each is enough to even out all the players that won’t buy FIFA.

FIFA on the Switch is currently dated for September 29th.

New Details Emerge On The “Other” NBA Game Coming Out This Year

EA is stepping up their game this year in their newest installment in the NBA Live series.

When it comes to basketball video games, their rival 2K has held the throne for years. The NBA 2K series has been a defining title for the genre as a whole.

EA Sports has struggled to reclaim their position, but haven’t given up regardless. In fact, this year’s looks like their greatest achievement yet. They’ve nailed some great cover athletes, and have some amazing graphics.

Most immersion graphics

NBA Live 18 will take full advantage of the PS4 Pro and upcoming Xbox One X, promising the most graphics. More than any basketball game, ever. More graphics than every 2K game combined.

Revolutionary ball physics will be implemented, meaning the ball can be bounced and even dribbled. And the EA Canada studio currently working on the title has met up with real, live coaches from nearby Burnaby South Secondary School to get a breakdown of the rules behind basketball to deliver the most authentic sports experience imaginable. Like did you know you can’t walk while holding the ball? You need to keep bouncing it.

A demo of the new story mode will be playable before launch, with progress that can be carried over to the full game, as well as some more bonus rewards and characters.

If you’re still on the fence, get a look at these cover athletes. They’re pulling out the big guys.

Legends of the NBA

On the standard, Day 1 edition of the game, Martyn Bernard “Moochie” Norris, well-known for his iconic afro. And on the limited edition Legend Version, the man that needs no introduction, star player Uwe Blab. Yeah, that’s right. The Blab is back, in all his glory.

Probably most of the bugs from the last Live game have been ironed out, and they’ve got a killer soundtrack curated by world-famous rapper Bad Azz. U2 will also be making a guest appearance, helping to compose the main theme for the game.

Preorder now and they’ll knock 33% off the total price, and maybe if you’re still not sure about it they’ll knock another 10% off. Come on. You can’t beat that. They’re practically giving it away. Just give them a chance.

NBA Live 18 will be launching September 15.

No Man’s Sky Finally Gets Long-Awaited Buttocks Expansion In Latest Update

Exciting news for the millions of dedicated No Man’s Sky fans that’ve been waiting eagerly for the game to release. It’s almost here.

The ambitious PS4 exclusive, originally dated for August 9th, 2016, will be ready to launch in maybe one more year. While the game entered open beta last year, details on the full game and when it’d release have been scarce.

But the embargo has been lifted, and we can now confirm that No Man’s Sky will be getting butts. Finally. And also multiplayer. But most importantly, butts.

Pizza Time

Prior to the update, all instances of character’s rear ends would not be rendered, and the game would instead render placeholder images made up of the guy’s face that played Green Goblin in the Tobey Maguire Spiderman movies.

This new update, titled the Ass Rises Expansion, will introduce fully rendered ass models to all player characters. A must, since the game now also has multiplayer. It would’ve been pretty fucking weird if you were playing with your friends and had to look at some weird guy’s face constantly.

You can read all about the fine details of the update on the No Man’s Sky website, if you really need to. I already broke it all down here for you though.

This latest patch will now bring No Man’s Sky one step closer to being a full video game. The last major update to the open beta added vehicles and racing, something no one even knew they wanted.

You may have not noticed, which is understandable. Not everyone plays the beta everyday like I do, naming planets and exploring the infinite possibilities of nature.

It’s like a whole fucking universe in there, you know? Like, it’s like real life. But in a game. Isn’t that fucking wild? Like, what if we’re all actually inside a VR No Man’s Sky?

That would explain why I feel so empty and without purpose all the time.

Fisting Black Chicks Is The New eSport

Fighting games, since their inception, have almost always followed a similar formula. The Street Fighter series set the standard for fighting games, and most games to come after have followed by its example.

Other major games would offer their own subtle tweaks to the formula, introducing 3D space, or platforming elements. But no matter what, it would almost always be recognizable somewhat as an offshoot of the 2D, side-scrolling fighter genre.

Until now. Nintendo, the pioneers of innovation, have decided that it’s time for a change. Fuck side-scrolling, fuck button combinations. The next eSport? Wii Boxing.

Wii Fucking Boxing

You’re gonna need to waggle the fuck out of your opponents if you want to come out on top in their new IP for the Switch, Overwatch.

Overwatch is a multiplayer boxing game, pitting colorful minorities from different countries against one another to win the Privilege Belt. You can play as Chubby Asian Woman, Strong and Independent Black Woman, White Woman, and a whole assortment of gays. It might not say they’re gay in-game, but they are. Trust me. Look it up on Tumblr. Everyone is gay, and also probably transgender.

A clever combination of party game and “competitive fighter”, Overwatch is pretty basic on the surface, but can get much more in-depth with its massive amount of customization options. But most importantly, the motion controls are optional. And in that, Nintendo has already crafted a great game.

True Competitive eSport

I did not have high expectations for Overwatch when it was first announced. I was not impressed by the premise. I did not like the look of the game. I was very unhappy with it, and thought Nintendo was wasting its time with yet another gimmicky party game.

And though I wouldn’t call Overwatch a true, overwhelming success, they’ve surprised me with how good it ended up being, and that is a victory in itself.

It feels like an actual fighting game, though a quirky one at that. The motion controls are actually surprisingly accurate and fluid, though they can’t match standard buttons in efficiency. The customization options do present some form of strategy, and the characters are colorful and likable.

D.Va, ready to stream video games with my boobies out

It almost feels like a bizarre third-person shooter of sorts. You’ll fire off your slinky arms to fist your opponent, with different arms having different properties. Some are rapid-fire, some are slow and heavy.

Dodging, blocking, and throwing are all in the mix too, like your standard fighting game. And your arms can be charged up to give them unique properties, like electricity or fire.

It doesn’t have the same elaborate fighting game combo shit most fighting esports are known for, there’s not a ton of unique frame data to analyze or move priority to learn. You can punch with your left hand or right hand, and that’s about it. And in that sense, I’m not sure just how long it’ll stay relevant to the fighting game community.

The robot dog is gay and the robot cop is actually Black Lives Matter

But most important of all, it’s fun and balanced. There isn’t much in the way of cheap strategies that aren’t easily counteracted, the different characters and stages are fun to play, and there’s a fair amount of content at launch to learn.

The only real detractor from the game that I can see is the “first installment in a fighting game” syndrome. Even with all of the stuff they got right, it’s pretty bare in terms of extra modes and fighters. There’s some little mini-game type modes, like Lucioball and shit. But those don’t offer much besides a little cool-down from heated multiplayer matches.

Once you’ve played through the Arcade mode and fiddled around with the online for a bit, you’ve essentially seen everything the game has to offer. Nintendo will be supporting it with free DLC and content updates, but so far, a couple new characters and some new equipment options isn’t enough to really bump the game from “pretty good” to “a true eSport”.

An Perfect Ass

Where Overwatch goes from here is entirely up to how Nintendo supports it, and where they go with the inevitable sequel. Right now it straddles a fine line between party game and fighting game, much like Super Smash Bros. The game doesn’t actually know what it is, and is too in the middle to really be one or the other.

Whether they make Overwatch: Brawl or Overwatch: Melee next will determine what audience the game ultimately captures, and how the series will fare in the long run.

All we know for sure is that Nintendo has made groundbreaking advancements in next-gen ass sculpting technology. Just look at that succulent ass up there. And Zelda’s, from Breath of the Wild.

The future of the Nintendo Switch, and all of Nintendo’s games to come, will surely utilize this power. There will be lots of ass in our futures.

I only hope Sony and Microsoft can catch up in time before it’s too late.

Valve Finally Announces Half-Life 3, And It’s A Card Game

Half-Life 3 is finally happening, the long wait is over. It’s been a good run, guys. A meme since 2007 according to KnowYourMeme.com. Over a decade. Incredible.

During the 2017 DotA 2 International Championship, Valve interrupted Kim Jong-un’s sick pentakill in the North Korea vs. South Korea finals match to tease this ominous trailer.

There’s some rocks, and like crystals or something. And it’s apparently called “Artifact”. It’s gonna involve paying lots of microtransactions to collect cards and shit from the Steam Summer Sale, and then you battle them or something to collect the Millennium Items and win the Battle City Tournament.

But this is clearly a trailer for Half-Life 3. Any true Half-Life fan could see that. If you pay really close attention, you can see. It’s all right there in the trailer. I mean just look at that logo. Three rocks? Hello?

And if that doesn’t rest my case, just look at this meme.

Trololo

Clearly le interwebz agree with me on the matter. The rock has three pieces, the word Artifact is three letters, and do you know how many cards are in your standard game deck? 3. Hearts, Diamonds, and the little trees.

I don’t understand why they’d make Half-Life 3 a card game though. It’s not like they need money that bad. Couldn’t they just make Half-Life 3 a normal game and then just charge people for hats again?

This is a giant missed opportunity on Valve’s part. Unless they’re planning to also sell hats for the cards. That come in crates. Which can be auctioned off on children’s gambling websites.

Artifact is coming sometime in 2018, and you can now follow them on Twitter. Or, alternatively, follow @lordwaffleking on Twitter. The choice is yours.

Overwatch’s Sexy Summer Update Baffles Players With Bizarre New Gameplay Changes

Overwatch is having its second major Summer Games event, bringing with it the return of fan-favorite Rocket League mode and a collection of hot new skins for people to pay real-world money for.

But another strange new change came packaged along with the latest update, and it has some players confused. It seems that, while Blizzard spent so long crafting over 50 new sprays for you to never use, they completely forgot that Overwatch is actually meant to be played. That’s right. Many players are now finding that the game is completely unplayable.

This is no accident

We’ve reached out to Blizzard for clarification, and from the response we got it seems that the latest patch actually removes all gameplay from Overwatch. While we weren’t sure at first if this was done purposefully or if someone just forgot to put the game in the update, we now know that this happens to be 100% intentional.

Blizzard’s statement reads: “Celebrate the joy of competition with new Summer Games Loot Boxes in Overwatch! Compete with your friends to see who can collect all of the 50+ new sprays! Purchase Loot Boxes Now!”, and all instances of the game being referred to as an “online shooter” have been removed from Blizzard’s website. Overwatch is now called an “online competitive loot collection game”.

This choice is a bizarre, but not unwelcome one for Overwatch fans. Many have already lined up for their chance at some of those hot new Torbjörn sprays, along with new Sexy Beach Widowmaker and Trump International Beach Resort McCree, which you can see in the trailer below.

While some fans are understandably upset by this development, people that owned Overwatch to play it were a minority.

All of the many Overwatch players that bought it for the deep lore and sexy collectible skins seem more than thrilled now that the main menu instantly directs them to the loot box screen.

The Overwatch Summer Games 2017 Event began on August 8th, and is expected to last around three weeks, making its end date around the 29th.

Hopefully it gets extended a little while though, so the many players missing out on those rare sprays still have time to purchase them all.

Sega Faces Backlash As Fans Call Sonic Forces “Islamophobic”

Sonic Forces, Sega’s promising new 3D Sonic game set for 2017, has come under fire lately for its lack of progressiveness.

While past Sonic games have featured a primarily Christian cast, Forces allows the player to create their own character. Players can choose from different anthropomorphic animal races, and customize them with various accessories to make them truly their own. But it doesn’t give you any option to change their faith.

Sega has shown off a variety of different accessories. Glasses, gloves, some kind of scouter thing from that one Japanese cartoon. Digimon or whatever. But nowhere does it show being able to equip your character with a hijab, completely isolating more than half of the Sonic fanbase.

Sega’s decision not to include a hijab seems like a clear slap in the face to all of their Islamic players, a clear oversight that seems almost intentional. Especially in a game where players are so frequently reminded of Sonic the Hedgehog’s innate Christian tendencies.

Fans of the Sonic franchise whom identify as Islamic and supporters of Islam have begun to protest the game, cancelling their reservations and boycotting Sega’s other games and services. They’ve taken to Twitter and Tumblr to voice their outrage, but have yet to get any major response from the House of Sonic.

Praise be upon him

While some fans are clearly upset, others are celebrating this as a victory over Islam, causing a noticeable rift in the Sonic fanbase. Sonic Forces could easily be the deciding factor in Sonic games for years to come, whether they continue forward with the strictly Christian themes or buckle under the pressure and start to allow other faiths into the world of Sonic.

Sonic Forces currently has no set release date aside from sometime in 2017, most likely in time for the holidays, and will be releasing on all major platforms.