Overwatch’s Sexy Summer Update Baffles Players With Bizarre New Gameplay Changes

Overwatch is having its second major Summer Games event, bringing with it the return of fan-favorite Rocket League mode and a collection of hot new skins for people to pay real-world money for.

But another strange new change came packaged along with the latest update, and it has some players confused. It seems that, while Blizzard spent so long crafting over 50 new sprays for you to never use, they completely forgot that Overwatch is actually meant to be played. That’s right. Many players are now finding that the game is completely unplayable.

This is no accident

We’ve reached out to Blizzard for clarification, and from the response we got it seems that the latest patch actually removes all gameplay from Overwatch. While we weren’t sure at first if this was done purposefully or if someone just forgot to put the game in the update, we now know that this happens to be 100% intentional.

Blizzard’s statement reads: “Celebrate the joy of competition with new Summer Games Loot Boxes in Overwatch! Compete with your friends to see who can collect all of the 50+ new sprays! Purchase Loot Boxes Now!”, and all instances of the game being referred to as an “online shooter” have been removed from Blizzard’s website. Overwatch is now called an “online competitive loot collection game”.

This choice is a bizarre, but not unwelcome one for Overwatch fans. Many have already lined up for their chance at some of those hot new Torbjörn sprays, along with new Sexy Beach Widowmaker and Trump International Beach Resort McCree, which you can see in the trailer below.

While some fans are understandably upset by this development, people that owned Overwatch to play it were a minority.

All of the many Overwatch players that bought it for the deep lore and sexy collectible skins seem more than thrilled now that the main menu instantly directs them to the loot box screen.

The Overwatch Summer Games 2017 Event began on August 8th, and is expected to last around three weeks, making its end date around the 29th.

Hopefully it gets extended a little while though, so the many players missing out on those rare sprays still have time to purchase them all.

Sega Faces Backlash As Fans Call Sonic Forces “Islamophobic”

Sonic Forces, Sega’s promising new 3D Sonic game set for 2017, has come under fire lately for its lack of progressiveness.

While past Sonic games have featured a primarily Christian cast, Forces allows the player to create their own character. Players can choose from different anthropomorphic animal races, and customize them with various accessories to make them truly their own. But it doesn’t give you any option to change their faith.

Sega has shown off a variety of different accessories. Glasses, gloves, some kind of scouter thing from that one Japanese cartoon. Digimon or whatever. But nowhere does it show being able to equip your character with a hijab, completely isolating more than half of the Sonic fanbase.

Sega’s decision not to include a hijab seems like a clear slap in the face to all of their Islamic players, a clear oversight that seems almost intentional. Especially in a game where players are so frequently reminded of Sonic the Hedgehog’s innate Christian tendencies.

Fans of the Sonic franchise whom identify as Islamic and supporters of Islam have begun to protest the game, cancelling their reservations and boycotting Sega’s other games and services. They’ve taken to Twitter and Tumblr to voice their outrage, but have yet to get any major response from the House of Sonic.

Praise be upon him

While some fans are clearly upset, others are celebrating this as a victory over Islam, causing a noticeable rift in the Sonic fanbase. Sonic Forces could easily be the deciding factor in Sonic games for years to come, whether they continue forward with the strictly Christian themes or buckle under the pressure and start to allow other faiths into the world of Sonic.

Sonic Forces currently has no set release date aside from sometime in 2017, most likely in time for the holidays, and will be releasing on all major platforms.

Stop Holding My Hand And Let Me Masturbate Already

The Pokemon series has come quite a long way. From the very first games for the Game Boy, all through the many sequels and spin-offs, the world of Pokemon has grown exponentially and touched many, many lives. I’ve been a huge Pokemon guy ever since the first games, and whenever a new one is announced, I’m always nothing less than enthralled.

They’ve been with me through it all, man. When I was learning to read? There’s a lot of reading in Pokemon. When I was learning to make friends? Pokemon was what brought us together. And when I started touching myself for the first time? Yeah, I busted some fat nuts on Pokemon.

And then Pokemon Sun and Moon came along. I followed the news all the way up until release. I reported it all, right here on WWW Dot Lord Waffle King Dot Com. The designs looked great. The game looked perfect. I was sure this would be the greatest one yet, beating out my previous favorite that was Black and White.

I was very, very wrong.

Crazy how Pokemon Sun and Moon can eat my ass

Pokemon Sun and Moon have to be the greatest train-wreck of a Pokemon game I’ve ever played. To simply call the game “bad” wouldn’t quite explain the situation well enough, but I wouldn’t hesitate to call it my least favorite Pokemon game. And it really breaks my heart.

In my time playing Sun and Moon, I lost interest several times. Something that’s never happened to me before in a Pokemon game. I had to force myself to complete it, and only because I wanted to know who all the characters were so I could jerk off to hentai of them.

I mean, you can’t just whack it to a girl you don’t know. What kind of animal does that? Someone that doesn’t respect women, that’s who.

Pokemon games have slowly become more and more bloated over the years, but Sun and Moon are the first to ever truly be weighed down by it. Sun and Moon doesn’t know who it’s catering to anymore, and in an attempt to please everyone, they’ve really only succeeded in providing a clusterfuck of things that really don’t mesh well.

Just let me walk the fuck around

It’s an incredibly ambitious game, don’t get me wrong. Graphics are great for a 3DS game, and the presentation is phenomenal. A great soundtrack like always, and the Alola region has to be one of the best out of all of them. The Pokemon designs are fucking fantastic, all of the characters are likeable and well-developed. And surprisingly, even the story is great. The writing potentially rivals Black and White, actually. There’s real character development and everything. Not just a fat kid that likes to dance. In that sense, I’d actually rank it as one of the best Pokemon games. Possibly the best.

And yet the promising plot and world-building is held back by what I can only assume was corporate meddling on the Pokemon Company’s part to try and make the game appeal to the little shits sucking their glue through a straw because their negligent moms let them play Pokemon Go in the fucking street. Maybe they felt like they had to compete with Yo-Kai Watch and try to make the whole game into one long cartoon episode.

Fuck that shit though.

I wanted to explore Alola. I wanted to catch Pokemon and immerse myself in this world. I wanted a grand adventure. What I got was a special ed class Easter egg hunt. Getting lead by the hand to all the conspicuously placed Easter eggs, and having them all pointed out to me and placed gently in my basket by an adult so that I wouldn’t accidentally shove them up my ass by mistake.

It’s like going to Disney World with gassy Uncle Boris. No, don’t go on ride. Uncle Boris no feel good. Uncle Boris eat too much asparagus. Please, keep walking. We walk around park and go home.

Elsa and Snow White could be flashing their tits and beckoning you to join them on the fucking tea cup ride, but no. Keep walking. Look, there’s Mickey Mouse over there. No, you can’t go say hi to him. That’s not a part of the fucking tour. Keep walking.

This bitch about to get Sandy Hooked

The entire first half of the game feels like one long tutorial. It doesn’t at any point let you go to explore on your own time. You go where it tells you, you explore the way it wants you to. Read all of the dialogue, do the battles it presents to you, watch all of the completely unnecessary cutscenes. Why so many cutscenes? Pokemon doesn’t need that many. The cutscenes are done very well, yes. They help to build up the characters and make the emotional impact they deliver in the end that much more powerful. Sure. But the same was accomplished with N in Pokemon Black and White, and it didn’t require stagnating the whole fucking game.

When the action does open up, during that entire first half of the game that spans two of the region’s four islands, it hardly even makes a difference. The islands are designed in such a linear fashion, there really isn’t even a need for the map that takes up the bottom half of the screen. It’s a straight, Point A to Point B map. There are no “dungeons” in the same sense that older Pokemon games have had. Caves, forests, and other places to explore are kept to a minimum, and when there are some, they’re usually presented as part of the game’s “trials” which replace the gyms from older games.

Which would be fine, if it didn’t hold your hand through trials just in case battling a singular wild “Totem” Pokemon with slightly higher stats than usual was too hard for you. It tells you very clearly where to go, what to do, and how to do it. The mini-map on the bottom screen, which is an unfortunate waste of UI space, always has a very clear marker point of where you’re supposed to go. It’ll even offer you little hints. Say, didn’t the professor go that way, you know, where the little red flag is? Gosh, there might be something important there. Let’s go there.

There’s genuinely a point in the game where the map will present a goal for you, and then instead of just letting you go there, you’ll walk out and find that an NPC was out there waiting for you with a brief cutscene telling you which way the mini-map, that’s always on the bottom pointing you in the right direction, wanted you to go. And then it’ll proceed to lead you there, having you follow the NPC all the way to the trial site. You know, in case a giant red flag on the bottom screen was too hard to find.

And that’s after the fucking two island-long tutorial.

Why wasn't I vaccinated

This was a big step in making the game autism-proof, I get it. It was to make sure that the generation of kids raised on Angry Birds and fidget spinners could play the game just like everyone else. But there’s no way to turn it the fuck off? I wanna play Pokemon games too. Come on.

Pretty much every older DS Pokemon game used the bottom screen in a better way. Even Pokemon Ranger. I’d rather draw fucking circles than put up with this bullshit. Sure, make the completely redundant mini-map the default. But there’s so much more you could’ve put there.

The incredibly promising Poke Pelago, a touch screen-based way to interact with your Pokemon, is locked away in menus when it could’ve easily been at your fingertips at all times. And on top of that, every time you want to use it, you need to watch an unskippable cutscene of your trainer traveling to the fucking Poke Pelago just to use it.

The touch controls are also fairly sloppy with Poke Pelago, something surprising considering Pokemon’s years of slowly perfecting its touch screen UI. There’s so many tiny sprites on the bottom screen moving around, it’s easy to accidentally tap the wrong thing when you’re just trying to collect some God damned beans.

So many strides have been made in eliminating annoying quirks that the games have had for ages, and yet all the tiny steps towards progress are fucked up by glaring bad design choices.

It’s really sad, it really is. It’s like a Miss America pageant contestant in Pokemon game form. It’s really fucking gorgeous. I’d fuck it. And the script, clearly, had had a lot of work put into it. But in the end, it’s just really fucking stupid. If you asked Sun and Moon what it meant to them to be a Pokemon game, they would ramble on incoherently about Pokemon games bringing people together for ten minutes, and then point to an Alolan form Pokemon and say “Kanto, remember?” You can get your favorite Pokemon from the first games, but now they have a much more exotic penis.

It's not incest if it's gay

And yet even with the shitty execution, I still felt the emotional climax at the end of the game. Which made it so hard for me to accept how much I hated it. By the end of the game, I wanted to love it, I really did. But now all I feel is the disappointment of how much better it could’ve been if they didn’t butcher it.

A Pokemon Sun and Moon where I get to explore all of the islands without cutscenes every couple steps. Where there aren’t ten different forms of point markers to tell you where you’re supposed to go at any given point, and I can play the game to its fullest without worrying about accidentally overpowering myself. Almost every cutscene ends with someone giving you ten Max Revives. And they heal your Pokemon for you on top of it. There was really no reason to ever use healing items or Pokemon Centers, which are now conveniently located on almost every route now instead of only towns, because everyone would heal you before every major battle anyway. There was a time where I actually used healing items, because I was towards the end of the game. But no, they were wasted. As soon as I approach this powerful, endgame trainer, someone steps in and pitches me an entire medicine cabinet and heals my Pokemon for me.

There’s a difference between “Oh, just turn the Exp. Share off, then it won’t be too easy” and “Oh, just don’t talk to anyone, don’t buy anything, don’t battle too much, don’t explore the miscellaneous side-quests on each route, don’t use the Poke Pelago, turn Exp. Share off, don’t look at your bottom screen, ignore all of the cutscene dialogue, and don’t do any of the StreetPass Festival Plaza shit or whatever. Come on, it’s not too easy”.

It’s like if they made a reality TV show where you have to live in the same house as 8 different grandmas, but try not to get fat from them stuffing you full of food. You can refuse all you want, but they’re gonna get you. Even if you eat only three times a day, you’re gonna die of cardiac arrest. And you’re only allowed to murder one, the rest have to go from natural causes. There’s no way you’ll take home the million-dollar prize. You have better chances of beating the robot from Jeopardy.

Even the obnoxious feature where Pokemon call for help doesn’t do anything to balance the game, it just makes it more of a drag.

Fuck Corsola

“Too easy” or “for casuals” would be the cop out verdict. The truth is that the game is just miserably balanced, relying on an instant gratification-style of gameplay and a slow-paced narrative that makes the game intolerable. The point where things start actually getting good is the brief half hour before it cuts to the credits, and then the game is over before it even starts.

It’s like not being able to get your peepee up and then when it’s finally up you blast your load immediately.

I think a lot of people did not actually like Sun or Moon, despite the overwhelmingly positive reviews. I don’t think a lot of people played it all the way through, actually. It’s a lot like when No Man’s Sky launched, and everyone was pretending to love it until someone said something about it. Several people told me Sun and Moon was just fantastic, and then they’d say “yeah, I’m on the second island now” and then they’d just leave the game for something else.

I think a lot of people just watched all the leaks and then beat off to hentai of the new characters and then just pretended like they finished the game. Not saying that no one at all enjoyed the game, I’m sure a lot of people did. A lot of people could’ve looked past the glaring flaws and loved it for what it was.

That doesn’t stop the fact that it’s still the only Pokemon game I’ve ever played that I didn’t have fun with. And that will be a mark of shame that the game has to wear. I almost wish that all I did was watch the leaks and never play the game. I could’ve lived with the illusion that Pokemon could do no wrong.

But no. I had to be a gentleman and learn the names of all the trainers before looking up hentai of them.

This is why chivalry is fucking dead.

We’re Finally Back

The day has finally come. We’re back. We’re really, for real, back. Apologies for the delay, it was as hard on me as it was on you I’m sure. I know Lord Waffle King Dot Com is your lifeblood as much as it is mine.

It was an unfortunate accident, what happened on that fateful day of June 5th, at 7:55 PM. Lord Waffle King Dot Com was savagely attacked by an unknown party after publishing the story “I Have Information That Will Lead To Hillary Clinton’s Arrest”, and the site was wiped from the servers in its entirety. Unfortunately, no traces of that article could be recovered, except for this image.

Need a delegates to clobber that there Bernie

What could it mean? I have no clue. My memories of the event are incredibly foggy. I vaguely recall being baptized in a stew of excrement and seminal fluid, and the smell of blood now gives me terrifying erections. All I know is that I’m with her now.

There were big plans in place for Lord Waffle King Dot Com over the summer. Big plans. It was going to be the summer of Lord Waffle King Dot Com. Having the entire site literally deleted kinda put a wrench in those plans, but now that we’re back, we’re gonna be hustling to make up for lost time like a fifty year old man with too much money and not enough motorcycles or STDs.

We will be putting the pieces of the site that we have back together, along with producing new and incredibly high quality content at incredibly high speeds. There are big plans to expand our empire, and branch off into new, uncharted territories. We will be doing new things, diversifying our portfolios. Maybe we’ll annex Poland. The sky is the limit. Not even the sky, fuck the sky. Lord Waffle King Dot Com has no limits.

Global Domination is the goal

The website is still fresh from its coma, so please be gentle with it. If a few features or buttons are broken, kindly let us know, so that I’ll know not to feed the warehouse of unpaid Chinese kids that run this thing until it’s fixed. Don’t knock me for that, it’s the industry standard.

Thank you for your continued support through this whole ordeal, it really does mean the world to me. This website is surprisingly important to me, all things considered, and having everyone love and support it makes everything worth it.

This is your editor, king, future president, and vaguely incestuous father figure, the one and only Lord Waffle King signing off. Stay tuned for much more to come.