Should Retards Be Able To Legally Purchase Firearms?

With the advent of the “indie roguelike”, indie gaming has slowly reached the very peak of elitist hipster culture. What was once a movement destined to uproot the evils of the AAA gaming industry had become a dick measuring contest of what game can be the hardest, most unforgiving measure of how masochistic a gamer is, while being both charming and colorful yet not too unfamiliar because it needs to be retro and nostalgic.

Games like The Binding of Isaac sent ripples through the industry, and suddenly every group of hipsters in their garage wanted to make Really Really Hard Game: Super Turbo Arcade Edition. Super Turbo Arcade Edition is important to the title, to show that the developers are in fact Gamers and self-aware about Gamer Culture. Some games did it right, some did it wrong.

And then games like Enter the Gungeon came along with such reckless and offensive themes that it really should just be made illegal already.

Pow pow

Enter the Gungeon is a delightful indie roguelike bullet-hell, packed to the brim with wit and charm. The characters and world are colorful and entertaining, the gameplay is tense and fast-paced, and it’s a cruel test of just how twitchy one’s fingers can be. There are multiple characters to play, tons of different guns to try out, and the old-school emphasis on trial and error provides a healthy level of challenge that rewards the Real Gamers. Real Gamers being masochistic sluts that get off to cat girls with penises pissing on them.

It’s not quite as fleshed out as other roguelike shooters like Binding of Isaac, and at times it feels like there’s more guns in the game than there are things to do with those guns. For a game all about being replayable, there really isn’t enough variety at early levels, which is where players will be spending the most time. A greater quantity and variety of bosses on every floor would keep the action considerably more fresh and engaging, as would a larger number of unique enemies. Most enemies fall into the umbrella category of generic mooks, just with a larger quantity of bullets being fired at any one time.

But the game does have its wild and wacky charming indie game moments. You can get a gun that shoots eggs, and a gun that shoots mail. You can get a gun that references other indie games, because the developers are Gamers that know about Gamer Culture. There’s even some totally zany weapons, like a bullet that shoots guns. It’s utter madness. And really, being charming and wacky is what indie games are all about. No one actually cares how fun they are, because no one actually plays them except people on Youtube that scream really loud.

Ironic

The most concerning thing about Enter the Gungeon, however, is just how careless they are on the topic of guns. All of the playable characters can just waltz into this dungeon and find guns lying around, and they can all just buy guns from the in-game shop without any kind of background check. One of them is an actual convict, and the arms dealer just hands out these guns like candy. They should have their license revoked. If they even have one. Do they not realize just how easily this game could brainwash our impressionable youth? What if I just went and shot up a dungeon after playing this? There are repercussions to your actions, game developers.

You may think you’re smart and self-righteous with your little ideas of how gun control should work. “Guns are okay, we just need to keep them out of the hands of the mentally ill”. But what kind of precedent is that for one of the rights in the American Constitution? Why can’t the mentally ill have guns? They’re human too, aren’t they? Don’t think your oligarchical propaganda slips past me. Retards are people, and you are discriminating against them with your ableist policies. Humans with a lower IQ can’t help how they were born, and it would be akin to banning the sale of guns to the disabled, or to people of a certain ethnic background. Would it be ethical to ban other rights, like the freedom of speech, from people that are mentally ill as well? It’s not like retards are women or something, they deserve rights.

The issue becomes even deeper when you consider the ambiguity of the term “mental illness”. Do people on the autistic spectrum count? Do people with ADHD count? How about people with gender dysphoria? That’d be a headline now wouldn’t it, orange man takes away guns from trans people. What about sexual paraphilic disorders? Yeah, that’s right. Dressing like a ten year old and calling your boyfriend “daddy” is, surprisingly, classified as a mental condition. Your piss fetish? Yeah, somehow by some strange science, you are mentally ill. Wild how that works. Jerking off to Paw Patrol hentai? Yeah, there’s something unnatural going on there. In your brain. Do we ban guns from anyone that’s ever gotten horny? Should horny people have rights? Do horny people get the wall?

If you have ever been horny you do not deserve rights

China has branded Islam as a “mental illness” and has formed concentration camps to “cure them”. Do Muslims not get guns then? Either it’s a human right to own a gun, or it’s not. It can’t be “it’s your right to own a gun unless you are retarded”. Unless we’re circumventing the “human rights” argument by calling retards inhuman. But then what makes a human? Is their mental functioning what makes them inhuman? What then of dolphins, which rival human intelligence with their own? Are they human? Can a dolphin buy a gun? If a dolphin shoots up a school, can we legally arrest the dolphin? It’s not like they’re black, we don’t need to shoot them seventeen times.

Dolphins are almost human, except for a few things. They’re cruel monsters, commit murder for fun, have sex for pleasure and take no shame in how much they rape and kill. The only difference is they live in the water. Does a dolphin have more rights than a retard then? If a dolphin rapes a retard, who do they arrest? Do they shoot the dolphin? If the dolphin shoots back, is that a declaration of war from a foreign body? How many dolphins need to own guns before we consider them a threat to our way of life? What if the retard consents though? Can a retard consent? Can a dolphin consent? Should bestiality between humans and dolphins be legal, since they both fuck for pleasure?

These are exactly the kind of dangerous questions Enter the Gungeon poses, and exactly why we need to ban guns and indie games. Guns shouldn’t be a part of elitist culture, where only the smartest and most self-righteous gamers can be allowed to purchase them. If guns are a right they should be widely accessible. But that’s dangerous, so it’s easier and better for us as a society to get rid of them. And indie games, we should really just ban them already. If I have to play another game with such whimsical charm again I will buy a gun. Then you’ll all be sorry.

Don't come to video game industry tomorrow

Humanity is at a crossroads. One leads to a utopian future. The other leads to dolphins illegally entering our country, taking our guns, fucking our women, and leading us into a hedonistic spiral that ends with the death of all life on Earth. And a giant boulder called the Democrats is slowly rolling towards us from behind, and the floor is quicksand called “Republicans”. And there is a bird labeled Bernie Sanders watching us, rubbing his little hands together. And that utopian future has a dolphin with Hillary Clinton’s face on it, holding a gun, creeping over from the other path. And there’s something about Communism, somewhere. I don’t know. The signal is getting weak. The vision is leaving me. I don’t know what it means. It doesn’t need to mean anything. But we can draw it, and label everything. Yeah, that’d be rad.

That’s essentially what indie roguelikes are. It doesn’t need to be cohesive or mean anything, it’s randomly generated for maximum entertainment. Creative design and thoughtful curation don’t really matter when your actions are meaningless. Everything has a smiley face. That’s just the kind of world I’m trying to live in, man. I don’t need to worry about finishing my college degree or living up to my parents’ expectations. And the thought is comforting.

If you get shot in the head or run out of money, don’t worry about it. We’ll get ’em next time. RNG will never be on your side, but maybe by the 30th try you’ll just get lucky and decide to turn the game off.

More Like Pokémon Let’s Go Drink All The Dish Soap Under The Sink And Jerk Off In The Hamster’s Water Tube While He Drinks From Its Little Nipple Like The Slut He Is

Pokémon is a titan of the video game industry. A looming obelisk of a franchise, and definitely one of Nintendo’s biggest properties. It just prints money for them, and the sheer number of spin-offs and merchandise is enough to make it appeal to just about any audience. And yet it all stems from the mainline games, which hold them together.

Starting with Red and Blue, Pokémon has slowly built on its premise, adding new creatures and features to its ever growing universe. New ways to battle, new ways to play, new ways to interact with your virtual pets and the world they live in. But many argue now whether Pokémon is past its prime, or if all the extra content only adds to the experience. No one can quite agree. There’s the purists that only love the first generation, there’s those that love every single title, and there’s hardcore fans of every installment in between that hold those respective titles to be the pinnacle of the series. The smartest and most cultured ones of course holding the fifth generation to be where Pokémon peaked.

But it’s undeniable that Pokémon has swelled to an unmanageable degree. The seventh generation Sun and Moon games, while a high point in terms of Pokémon and character design, was absolutely abysmal in terms of gameplay. It wasn’t catered towards core fans, or new fans, or even kids. It was pretty much for mothers to buy for their children that should’ve been aborted to grant them the mercy of never being born into the twisted, painful flesh prisons they’ve been cursed with. Pokémon Sun and Moon are the perfect post-hospital visit gift for when your writhing mass of child needs something new to drool on. They might need a ramp or something to play it, unless their caretaker presses the buttons for them. But it’s all good.

The clunky, awkward bloat and regressing gameplay has festered over the course of the different generations, gradually making Pokémon both overly complicated and offensively dumbed down. But in a refreshing break from the mainline series, Nintendo decided to do something different, and make a full-scale Pokémon mobile game.

I'm with her

Pokémon Let’s Go Pikachu and Pokémon Let’s Go Eevee combine all the simple, easy to pick up, retard-proof gameplay of Pokémon Go with the no microtransactions and not getting hit by cars while playing in the street of Pokémon Red and Blue. The pseudo-remaster plays just like Red and Blue, with a few tweaks here and there to make things easier for the new generation of gamers that can’t focus on a single task for more than two minutes before they have to swipe out of whatever app they’re using to open up Youtube and watch Mickey Mouse drink some hot piss.

A lot of the core features are the same, you’ll travel far and wide adding anthropomorphic animals to your harem and impregnating their foot-pussies with your virile human seed for some hot toe-birthing like every other Pokémon game. Trainers will be lining up to battle you in turn-based combat, and the other familiar RPG elements are all there. But the catching mechanics have been largely overhauled, as have the methods in which a competitive team are assembled. You’ll capture your Pokémon with a familiar catching mini-game, and be rewarded with “Candy” for chaining captures and transferring them to Professor Oak so he can vore them all and shit out the nutrient-dense candy items that’ll permanently boost the stats of your monsters.

And I can honestly say, this is not at all a bad thing. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing, but it’s definitely not bad. Catching Pokémon feels fun. That’s the biggest takeaway I had. Maybe a bit frustrating, and unnecessarily difficult at times. But it’s mildly addicting, and really channels the “Catch ‘Em All” mantra the games are famous for. In past titles, players only needed to catch one of each Pokémon to complete their Pokédex and flesh out their team. There really wasn’t much of a reason to capture duplicates unless they were shiny, and after a certain point in the game carrying a surplus of every kind of Pokéball just isn’t as necessary anymore.

Can we hit woman

Let’s Go, on the other hand, treats capturing as an integral part of raising a team. Chaining catches is the ideal way to grind for experience, and the candies one gets from voring them have completely replaced the “Effort Value” system from before. Battling Pokémon is still the ultimate contest of how well you’re raising and training them, but it’s no longer the main focus of the game’s mechanics. Grinding for candy, while still very much a grind, is considerably easier than EV grinding.

The capturing mini-game plays like Pokémon Go’s, minus the touch controls, and gives a nice break from the more traditional RPG elements. It compliments the trainer battles pretty nicely, and Pokéballs have become much more bountiful to make up for their increased demand. Prices have been slashed in Pokémarts, and trainers will drop Pokéballs whenever they’re defeated. And yet, the over-reliance on RNG also makes capturing them agonizing at times.

The capturing mini-game is timed, first of all. If you take too long or keep failing to capture it, the Pokémon will bolt. You can use Berry items to roofie the wild Pokémon, the chemicals inside each berry providing different effects like making them move around less, their toes hot and sweaty, or their piss especially fragrant. But nothing quite to the degree of past games on a brute force scale, where one could beat up a Pokémon in the wild until they were paralyzed and desperately clinging to life, trapped in a battle by various Pokémon moves or abilities, and more or less forced into sexual servitude through a battle of attrition with the game’s RNG. Berries don’t provide permanent effects, and the danger of Pokémon fleeing makes catching a bit more tense. Especially when shiny Pokémon are involved.

We live in a society

Aside from that, it’s literally a game you’ve bought at least three or four times. It’s supposed to be more of a “faithful remaster” than FireRed was, by cutting all of the extra bloat and keeping it simple. But there’s also Mega Evolutions and Alolan forms. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. There aren’t any intrusive cutscenes to make sure the game finishes itself even if you’re retarded. which is definitely a plus, and for the most part the game just lets you play. Definitely easier, healing items are more or less just dumped in your lap, and your default partner Pokémon can learn moves of enough different types to essentially carry one’s team through the entire game.

Between all the little tweaks and changes, Let’s Go is a worse RPG overall for it. But a better Pokémon game, if that makes sense. If some of these changes are incorporated into the “main” games, I think the series as a whole would benefit from it. But it’s definitely a very fine line to walk, and they’ll never manage to satisfy everyone equally.

If Nintendo decides to keep the “Let’s Go” brand as its own separate thing, and makes it the sort of entry level series while the “mainline” games continue to develop as more advanced RPG titles, they might be able to give each of them enough of their own unique identity to give them both a role in the Pokémon franchise.

Yiff yiff

Nintendo’s Pokémon problem extends much further than that though. The sheer size of the game has definitely gotten out of control, and how they continue to build on such a shaky foundation will catch up to them eventually. The shift to all 3D models, it’s hard to say whether that was a smart move or not. They’ve been recycling the same models for what’s got to be decades now, so upscaling and optimizing them for each new title might just be easier than creating new sprites every time. But it still must be a project, to go through all of them.

There’s well over a thousand unique models now, there has to be. Especially when you consider all of the little “gender tweaks” they introduced in the fourth gen, with certain species having slightly longer whiskers or patterning that’s just vaguely different depending on whether they have a penis or not. Which, speaking of, none of the models even have. How am I supposed to enjoy 3D Pokémon porn if these half-rate animators just pop a generic human penis onto a 3D model of a Charizard? We need unique penises for every single Pokémon. Charizard’s penis would not look anything like Dragonite’s penis, even though they are both dragons. Considering the climates they both live in, Dragonite’s cock seems more likely to be prehensile and have a tapered shaft. Charizard’s would definitely be much more girthy and capable of dishing out a real pounding. But will Nintendo ever give us 1000+ unique cock designs? No, they are much too cowardly.

Eventually, something has got to give. Nintendo can’t just keep expanding the world they way they do with each generation forever. e621 will run out of tags eventually.

Newest Sonic Game Confirmed As “Sonic Forces”, Raises Speculation Of What He’s Forcing

I hope you like Sanic, because it’s gonna be a big year for him. Sonic Mania was pushed back to Summer, which is unfortunate, but Project Sonic 2017 finally got some official news.

The official name will be “Sonic Forces”, and there’s a brand new trailer to go along with that name.

It’s unclear what the name means from the trailer. It looks pretty cool, there’s a lot going on. Kinda reminds me of Sonic ’06 a little.

But what, exactly, is Sonic forcing? What is Sonic Forces? What does this name mean?

Is this gonna be a hybrid Sonic first-person shooter? Is he some kind of covert forces soldier? Or is “Forces” meant to imply that he’s forcing someone to do something? A lot of questions are raised by this name. “Generations” made sense, because it was all about how Sonic had inadvertently made an entire generation into furries. But Forces?

I decided to do a bit of investigative journalism, and used my expert hacking skills to find a Sega employee still logged into their Facebook when they walked away from their computer. I made sure to post statuses of how they were hacked, and made sure to announce how gay they were, but I also uncovered this bit of official concept art.

What Sonic is forcing?

From the looks of this official concept art, it looks like Sonic Forces is looking to recapture the furry demographic, as Sonic Generations and now Mania are meant to appeal to the unloved kids that grew up with a Sega console instead of a Nintendo.

If properly executed, and Sonic can somehow maintain every aspect of their fanbase, it may in turn become one of the most powerful franchises out there.

The Sonic ’06 influence from the trailer could well imply that Sonic Forces looks to explore the human princess on hedgehog bestiality romance concept from the past games, and may go as far as implementing a full-scale romance system. It’s gonna be very interesting to see what direction they take this one.

Sonic Forces will be coming out on Xbox One, PS4, and Switch later this year.

Nintendo Switch Is For Gaming, Not Beating Your Meat

If you were hoping to fire up the Switch’s internet browser on launch day and hit up PornHub to break it in, you’re gonna have to wait.

The latest word from Nintendo’s own president, whatever the fuck his name is, is that the Switch will be a dedicated video game platform at launch.

In an interview with some normie game journalism site, President Nintendo Man revealed that there won’t be too many non-gaming apps at launch. Netflix, Youtube, things like that aren’t a priority this time around, they’re just all working on the games instead.

Something as simple as an internet browser won’t even be one of them.

My favorite

This is a considerable downgrade from the Wii U, which had its own official PornHub support.

While it’s been stated that these apps will be added in updates after launch, it’s still a shame that I won’t be able to use my Switch the way I use my Wii U right away.

I’ll have to keep my Wii U around for porn until they patch in some decent apps, a RedTube app at least, if not XVIDEOS.

There’s a lot of potential there, though. Imagine, porn on the go or porn on the big screen. Seamlessly swapping from one to the other. You could start in your car, take it to the front porch, bang a few out in the kitchen or on the couch, take it to the bedroom and blow it up to the big screen for the big finish, then drag it to the shower with you for the after-party while you clean yourself off. This is really a revolution in fapping.

And for your information, yes, my therapist says I do have a masturbation problem. They’ve been trying to work with me to find the source of it and maybe treat it or something but I just keep going back so I can jack off in their coffee every time they leave the room.

Nintendo Has Gone Batshit Fucking Insane And Needs To Be Stopped

What the fuck, Nintendo? What the actual fuck? What the fuck did you think you were fucking doing? Do you think this is some kind of fucking game? Your fucking business is on the line here you rice-ass mother fuckers.

What is this? What the fuck do you call this?

You didn’t have a hard job. Announce Zelda. Announce Mario. Announce Mario Kart and Super Smash ports. Maybe sprinkle a little more in. Third party support. Give us the price point. A reasonable one. And you’re in. You did it.

And they did that. Kind of. They got the Zelda and the Mario. The rest of the games are kind of in there too. For the most part. But what the fuck is this shit?

I hate it

What’s this hipster-ass bullshit? Is this what we’ll be playing on our fucking rooftops when we’re at our little hipster get-togethers on top of random people’s fucking apartments? You know, like all the young folk do, just hanging out on top of a fucking apartment rooftop in the middle of the city, playing the Nintendo Switch.

1-2 Switch, one of the Switch’s few currently known launch titles, is a game about not looking at the TV. And quite frankly, I don’t want to look at any TV where this game is playing. I don’t want to look at this game. I don’t want it near me. Keep it away from me. I don’t like it.

This was the shit Nintendo opened up their conference with. This game, and some fucking demonstration about a glass of water with ice cubes in it. I don’t know, I guess there’s ice inside the new Wii remotes or something, I don’t really get it. There’s ice in the controllers, they run on ice cubes I guess. I don’t fucking know.

They opened up with a bunch of waggle games, and they kept me waiting. They kept me fucking waiting, and then they announced the real games. Super Mario, Splatoon, Xenoblade, Dragon Quest, a bunch of other RPG’s, a Fire Emblem Warriors game, a whole lot of stuff. But they had to open with fucking 1-2 Switch. They started on their weakest fucking note. And it’s not even a fucking pack-in title, apparently. Who’s gonna buy that shit? No one. No one is gonna buy that shit.

No one is gonna say “hey guys, you wanna play some 1-2 Switch, I brought my Nintendo Switch over”, that’s fucking gay. You know who says shit like that, the hipster-ass mother fuckers in the fucking trailer and promotional art. Nintendo is replacing Miis with hipsters. Everyone gets their own hipster avatar now.

And then there’s the fucking Arms game?

That’ll make for some interesting Rule 34 at least, but it’s all waggle controlled? There’s no real controls to it? I don’t like that. I don’t like that one bit. Don’t do that, Nintendo. Stop it. Right now.

It looks stupid. It looks like Overwatch, but with arms. Arms instead of butts. And I don’t have an arm fetish. You can’t really fuck arms. Some people, they have an armpit fetish. Some people like to fuck armpits. I’m not one of them. I don’t like armpits. They’re stinky and bad. I don’t like them.

It’s not even a launch game either, I don’t think. They didn’t say “launch”, they said “Spring 2017”. Who’s gonna want to buy this shit? The Wii died years ago. We’re two consoles ahead of it now. We’re on the Nintendo Switch now, not the Wii. You can’t just turn in a Wii game and call it a Switch game. This is garbage.

Not to mention the false advertising.

Where are my arms?

“Subscribe for more arms”. I subscribed. But I don’t have any more arms.

Am I supposed to grow them? Are they gonna be mailed to me? Where are my arms, Nintendo? If I don’t get them soon I swear to God I will unsubscribe. Don’t make me do it, Nintendo. Give me my arms.

Local Journalist Sucks Ass, Complains Online And Calls It “Video Game Journalism”

Breaking news, guys. Got some important stuff, hot off the presses. There’s a video game too hard for someone. Quick, someone. Call an adult. We need help here.

Wednesday, March 22nd at 1:30pm, a writer at infamous fake news website Kotaku wrote a very heartfelt “news article” about how hard a particular mission was in Zelda.

ono

Mr. Kotaku Fake Journalism Man goes on to list his many gripes with this particular mission. It’s too hard. He messed up too many times. It took way too long, and it was just very bad. Just the worst, and it took him over half an hour. Maybe more. He was very upset.

Upon reading this, I realized, hey, I’m also just entering this same part of the game in my Zelda playthrough. It just so happened, you know. A real coincidence. I was just exploring and boom. Forest. Right out of nowhere. So I figured, hey, let’s try out this really bad mission. Just to see what the big deal is, you know? May as well get it out of the way.

And I finished it. And to my surprise? It wasn’t even that bad. Maybe I was just better prepared for it? Maybe I was just better at it? Or… could it be… Kotaku, infamous fake news website, wrote another FAKE NEWS ARTICLE?????????

Hey, that's pretty good

The mission in question is a simple stealth mission. While not traditionally a stealth genre, Breath of the Wild actually features quite a bit of stealth options. Enemies can be stealth-killed, and you almost always have options to sneak away from enemies while exploring. So stealth isn’t something foreign to this game.

You follow this little green bitch through the forest, careful not to get caught. He leads you to a shrine. It’s a simple mission. Gonna say it probably took me about 5 to 10 minutes total, counting the two times I got caught. My bad. Whoops. Everyone makes mistakes.

The journalism man notes a number of flaws in the design of this mission. You can’t stray too far from the path, otherwise you get lost. You can’t get too close to the little green bitch because he’ll notice you, he blends in with the environment, and he also has some very strong views on immigration. Very bad flaws. But watch this.

Fake news alarm

Look how close I could get to this bitch. Like that close. I could lock onto him. You see that? So close. And all you gotta do, for the most part, is follow him in a straight line. You don’t need to stay a mile behind him. It’s common sense not to be directly behind him the entire time, but like, what the fuck. Kotaku is spreading fake news again.

The mission isn’t too hard at all. You just follow the little guy. If you pay attention to what he’s doing, it’s not hard. At one point, some tree branches fall down. He strays off the path to go investigate, and then returns to the path. He does, in fact, turn around and walk towards you at that point. But that’s not a problem, because there’s easy cover everywhere.

Uhhhh, hello? Trees and shit?

It’s a forest. Bitch, there’s trees. There’s trees all over. And is that guy so hard to spot? I don’t think he is. Maybe in a still picture, but when he’s waddling around? He’s really not. If you let him get too far, yeah. But if you get too close, the cursor automatically moves around him and like it shows where he is? It’s really not that hard. Unless maybe the fake news man needs new glasses? Maybe, just maybe, all of the fake news they’ve created have clouded their minds from the truth.

It does throw a couple curve balls at you with him suddenly getting scared and running toward you, and a wolf attacking. But like, that’s two things. Not several things that would cause someone to be stuck on a mission for almost an hour. It’s not a very long mission either. It takes a couple minutes to go through the course without messing up.

This guy is just really bad at games. That’s really all it boils down to. He just fucking sucks. Like, how can you be a real video game journalist, like me, and not be good at games? That’s like being a news reporter and being very bad at news. And you just write a whole article about how you’re bad at games? Where’s the ethics in video game journalism in that? There are none. I’ll tell you what. This man has no ethics in video game journalism. At all.

This is just all one big smear campaign, to try and mar the good name of the little green forest dude. Just because he’s green? Really, Kotaku? He’s just on his pilgrimage. It’s a part of his culture. The forest people are a religion of peace.

He might be like, an off-green color. He looks more like tree bark than a leaf. But you’re gonna discriminate against him because he’s not green-passing? That’s still racist, no matter what you think about green people being incapable of racism.

This is just another example of fake news sites sensationalizing something small like this, just to make a major article out of nothing. No, the forest people are not secretly terrorists, just because they fly everyone on their little pilgrimages. No, this particular forest person is not out to get you. He’s on his pilgrimage. And I’m sick and tired of all of these stereotypes dictating how you look at people.

The only reason this article was written was because Kotaku loves spreading fake news to delegitimize the forest people. It’s all to fit their sick agenda. Fake news like this should not be allowed, and I would request that everyone please report Kotaku’s articles to your parent or guardian as fake news so that someone can throw them all in jail already.

Journalism is a form of art. Not your tool to manipulate and control, Kotaku. And I refuse to stand for it.

Let’s Take A Moment To Talk About Jesus

Today is Easter, and I found it only fitting that we took a break from the video game journalism to reflect on Easter things. Like Jesus.

Jesus was a pretty cool guy. You know that? He was all about peace and love, man. He was all about understanding. But you know, I have a few issues with Jesus. I think He’s a little overrated. Which isn’t to say He isn’t cool. He was great, especially for His time. But I think more than a few improvements could definitely be made for Jesus 2: The Second Coming.

My main qualm with Jesus is that, for starters, I think he needs to upgrade to some more modern platforms. I can’t worship Jesus on my Xbox. What’s up with that? All sorts of retro stuff is on modern platforms. Would an HD release hurt so bad? Maybe a Bible reading app for the Nintendo Switch? I’m sure the tablet would work wonders as a virtual Bible.

Get with the times, man

Jesus is definitely a stronger protagonist than God from the first installment, he seems infinitely more enjoyable to immerse yourself in. But like, His moveset is a little weak. Turning people to pillars of salt and shit was badass, dude. If you were to tell me that Jesus was the main character of the sequel, it’s almost ridiculous to think they’re in the same series. It’s like going from Megaman X to Megaman. Which is a downgrade, you know. I think the third should definitely go back to the darker, grittier protagonist.

And you know, it wouldn’t be impossible to do, but I doubt they will. They keep hinting at Him coming back throughout His entire story, it’s like they’re practically forcing a sequel down our throat that we never even asked for. It’s like Teen Titans Go. No one wants it to come back, but somehow it just keeps happening. I blame the Catholics.

I think it may have something to do with the fractured fanbase. Kinda like Sonic the Hedgehog, you know? People just can’t agree on what direction to take it. Some people want that peaceful, happy Jesus stuff. But other people want that edgy stuff.

praise jesus

Now I also think this could be a prime time to really define Jesus’ character. Much like Sonic Adventure 2 leading into Shadow the Hedgehog. If we could get a standalone installment, only Jesus without any of those annoying followers and none of that healing bullshit, I think we could have a pretty great modern Jesus sequel.

Imagine, Jesus with no limits to His powers. No annoying story scenes or anything where it makes you lose a fight you could easily win but it doesn’t allow you to. Battles that you’re forced to lose are such an outdated concept. I want to see Jesus fuck up some Roman soldiers. Being forced to lose the final boss fight just for story purposes is unsatisfying, to say the least.

And the brutal difficulty is kind of a bitch. I mean, does literally everything have to trigger you to go down the evil path? What kind of broken karma system is that? I can’t even masturbate every once in a while without earning bad karma? It’s not even a real girl, it’s just a cartoon drawing. That can’t still count, can it?

kawaii

Still, Jesus really delivers a powerful narrative, and deserves all of the accolades He has been bestowed. He truly is a timeless classic, and even if no sequel is ever developed, I’m sure people will all be digging up their Bibles to enjoy some Jesus for years and years to come. I can only imagine the clamor they would cause if they ever came out with a miniature Jesus Classic. That would be an instant hit over the holidays. Great stocking stuffer, you know? All of those classic Jesus adventures, all in the palm of your hand.

Come on, Nintendo. You’re sitting on a ton of money here. Re-release Jesus already. It’s all you ever do anyway, isn’t it? Re-release old shit? Come on. Bring back Jesus, Miyamoto. Or at least put him in the next Smash. If you can put Duck Hunt Dog as a character, at least go with some real retro shit and put Jesus in.

These Joy-Cons Small As Fuck And Probably Won’t Make Good Sex Toys

I’ve had my Switch for about 2 days now, gotten some good playtime with it. And I have to say, the hardware is very nice so far. Screen is surprisingly good quality, you know, for a Nintendo console. Leagues ahead of the calculator display that the 3DS had.

It really is pretty seamless to go from handheld mode to TV mode. Haven’t used the other mode yet, where you can play on the little screen? I haven’t found the opportunity to do so yet. It all seems like some decent hardware, which is surprising for Nintendo. This might be their most high-end console yet. And that’s saying something. It’s a toy, but it’s a very fancy toy.

The controllers are a little tiny though. The Joy-Cons. The ones with the fancy rumble in them, the little parts that snap into the things. They’re pretty small. I don’t think they’d work very well as dildos, at least not without the vibrate cranked up.

Small

These guys are about 4 inches, so they were probably made with the Japanese market in mind. Got the average Asian length going. Joy-Cons are interchangeable though, so I can totally see them making some in larger sizes. Maybe an extra large, with some fancy bumps and shit. That’d be cool.

Not for me, though. I’m straight. Haha. Yeah, not for me. It’s for, you know. The girls. Not me. I just, you know. I was a little surprised by the size of the controllers is all. It’s like you’re playing with two little Asian penises. I knew they’d be small, but like, they’re pretty small. They feel much more comfortable in the grip that comes with the console.

I’m not some kind of computer science man, so the graphics and shit, that all looks great to me. All of the games I’ve played look very nice, there’s probably some kind of jiggaflops or something going on in that machine. Overall, very happy with it. Very good quality Nintendo toy. The cartridges are really tiny, and supposedly come in different flavors. My copy of Zelda was Buttered Popcorn-flavored, and my copy of Bomberman was Boston Cream Pie.

Caution, watch out for these

It’s been reported that the Nintendo Switch really doesn’t like aquariums, and users will experience connectivity issues if one is nearby or even mentioned. I hadn’t felt any strange connection issues personally, but I tried asking my Switch what its favorite fish was out of curiosity. It got up and smashed every window in my house, so that’s probably an issue Nintendo needs to patch.

Their choice to go with buttons instead of a classic Nintendo D-pad seems dumb to me, but I can see why they did it. That’s about my only complaint so far with the console.

I’m still getting comfy with my Switch, already dropped it once. But I can say, I like it so far. UI could use some updates and improvements, it’s pretty basic right now. Clean, easy, but basic. I think it has a lot of potential though. We’ll just have to see how well it does. I think Nintendo might have finally not fucked up, for once. Not a huge fuck up, at least. Maybe a few tiny ones here and there, but nothing that can’t be fixed.

Metroid Prime 4 Delayed Because Samus Is On Heroin

The Nintendo Switch has been a runaway success thanks to its steady stream of quality content. Zelda, Mario, Smash Bros, and more have all graced the console, providing one classic Nintendo experience after another. But it looks as if the Switch may have hit its first bump in the road.

One of Nintendo’s major franchises, Metroid, has hit an unexpected delay. Metroid Prime 4 development has come to a screeching halt, thanks to Samus’ crippling heroin addiction. Yes, that’s right.

Samus is on heroin. The iconic bounty hunter and femme fatale was hospitalized after a near fatal heroin overdose, and she seems to have no plans on seeking help, much to Nintendo’s dismay. While they’ve been trying to help her through rehab, it’s been an incredibly rough road, and she’s already relapsed several times.

The only statement we could get

We attempted to reach out to Samus to get some news on if she would be returning to continue her work on Metroid Prime 4, but the statement and photo above was all we could get from her.

Nintendo has said work on Metroid Prime 4 would continue after development “reboots”, but we have no clue what that means. Perhaps they’ll find a leading actress that is not on heroin. We have no clue. We can only wait with bated breath for the next Nintendo Direct.

There is no date or even an idea for when the next Nintendo Direct may be. The ball is in Nintendo’s court with this one. Metroid Prime 4 was previously slated for this year, but the date seems to be up in the air now.

Critics Slam Trump For Welcoming Football Team With Halo 3 LAN Party Instead Of Halo 5 Multiplayer

There’s been a massive shitstorm surrounding Trump lately, like usual. It just never ends with him, honestly. The college football champions, the Clemson Tigers, were invited to the White House to celebrate their grand achievement, as is customary. However, thanks to the government shutdown, many things had to be scaled back for the momentous occasion.

While the epic feast was certainly pretty unepic, a great deal of scrutiny is being put on Trump for failing to even provide “competent entertainment”. While past presidents have often entertained celebrity guests in the White House, such as Obama inviting Beyonce to visit, Trump settled for something much more cost-effective. He bought several clunky, original model Xbox 360’s from GameStop, and several copies of Halo 3. Pre-owned, with his PowerUp Pro Rewards Card.

He renewed his card too

Reports say Trump renewed his card the day of the purchase in order to capitalize on the 10% discount, not even wanting to pay the full pre-owned price for the college athletes. Others say he renewed his card a few days prior, in order to use the buy 2 get 1 free coupon that he gets after renewing. Giving out hard-working students things he acquired for free.

But what’s getting the most flak is that Trump thought a Halo 3 LAN Party would be enough for our heroes. Couldn’t he even afford to buy Xbox Ones to play the latest Halo installment? Is Trump’s Xbox Live Gold part of the shutdown? Do we not have enough government funding to play online? And why would he be using the government’s money anyway? Our taxpayer dollars shouldn’t be going towards his free “Games with Gold”.

Critics all seem to agree, this was a bad move on Trump’s part. Disrespectful, dishonorable, and straight-up insulting. Yet another terrible move on Trump’s part, and I don’t think he’ll ever recover from this. He’ll be impeached after this one for sure.