We’ve all known something major was about to shake up the world of gaming for the past few years now. We could all feel it coming. There were always whispers that something was coming to blow the entire industry out of the water, and this is finally it. Nintendo is doomed.
Amid all of the leaks and announcements from the major companies, talk of next-gen consoles and killer exclusives, one party has remained unusually quiet. Israel. Ever since its launch, Israel has managed to pull a rather devoted fanbase of strongly nationalist Israelis, and a few passionate fans overseas in the United States. But they still haven’t become the global superpower we all know they could be.
These leaked documents hint that the ethnostate of Zionist Israel is planning to launch a next-generation Israel that’s even bigger and better than ever. With new American Blast Processing that can cleanse large swathes of land using droid technology, Israel can now eliminate Palestinians and other unwanted features from their lands with over 24 Jewgaflops of raw processing power. That’s more than four times the power of the Xbox One X.
If these leaks are accurate, we’re talking beyond 4K, 60FPS. We’re talking beyond VR compatible. When Digital Foundry looked into it, they discovered no evidence of Assad gassing his own people. But now, next-gen shit? Israel will be able to do Syria better than Assad ever could. Imagine an ethnostate that could gas Syrians flawlessly, in real time, without any jaggies or loading screens. That’s the kind of power we’re talking here.
There’s no official word yet, but these leaks could very well be the end of the game industry as we know it. Greater Israel has been in development for years, and it’s just about time for the world to see what the developers have been hard at work on.
It’s Pride Month, so every company has been coming out of the woodwork to show their acceptance of gay culture. Microsoft set their Twitter icon to a rainbow Xbox logo and Sony confirmed that Crash Bandicoot is trans, leaving the ball in historically conservative Nintendo’s court.
Nintendo has never really done anything to show their acceptance of the LGBT, but with increasing pressure, they finally had to take a step in the right direction.
Smash Bros director Masahiro Sakurai confirmed that the popular Ice Climbers characters are in fact in an open, poly relationship.
The male Ice Climber Popo and his wife Nana believe in free love and open sexuality. While both love each other very much, they’re allowed to seek other relationships and fuck whoever they want.
Sakurai elaborated that while Nana, who is a total hot piece of ass, gets dicked down on the regular by absolute chads like Ganondorf, Bowser, King K. Rool, and the Wii Fit Trainer who is trans and has a massive cock, Popo does not have the same level of success.
Popo, who has not found enough women willing to fuck him casually, has been starting to question his sexuality, and has sucked the Duck Hunt Dog’s cock just once. The Duck watched. He remarked being aroused by this, but feels like he’s not gay. Lately Popo has been questioning, and may choose to identify as a pansexual trans woman.
Nintendo promises to be more committed to providing diverse and realistic depictions of LGBT characters going forward, and has promised that in the next Super Mario game, Luigi will fuck at least three Toads. Anally.
Game of Thrones has finally ended, with a finale that’s left fans all over divided. Very few could have seen that last episode coming, and very few would have guessed that it would go out the way it did.
Many expected the
series to go out with a bang, but it settled for more of a soft, moist plop.
Some are happy with the outcome, many wish that it had gone differently. But
the original author, George R. R. Martin, says that it’s not even close to the
ending he’d envisioned.
“Why do you
think it’s even called Westeros? Why do you think the primary antagonist was
the Walkers? The Night King was the spirit of Waluigi, the true protagonist of
the story. All of Westeros were the villains, the corrupt and greedy humans
that had stolen his land away from him. His destiny was to reclaim what was
his. All of Waaahsteros.”
George R. R. Martin
went on to insist that the books hinted at it from the very beginning. Bran
Stark was the true villain all along, capable of seeing the future, and aiming
to topple the kingdoms and bring them under his rule. The Night King, Waluigi, was
attempting to save his people and reclaim his throne by taking him out. The
Waaahkers, his loyal followers that gave their lives for him, were never the
Sure, killing and eating people might be wrong. But what’s more wrong, killing and eating people, or fucking and impregnating your sister? What\’s more wrong, killing and eating people, or burning your child alive? What’s more wrong, killing and eating people, or being a feminist? Game of Thrones has always been about which character one hates the least, not lovable characters. Waluigi and his followers are flawed, but they are the best fit for the throne.
Martin, while disappointed over the ending, is not losing sleep. He’s got several other projects underway at HBO, and is confident in his newest series, A Dance Of Fire And Crash Bandicoot.
HBO has confirmed, Crash Bandicoot will not be appearing in the TV adaptation, despite being on the cover of the novel.
The Mushroom Kingdom has been in an uproar because of yet another high-ranking blunder on account of their military force.
Once again, Bowser’s forces have seemed to slip through without a hitch to abduct the fair princess and hold the government hostage. The two nations, which have been at perpetual war, have had many an altercation like this. Naturally, the nation’s heroes will rise up to save the day.
At least, that’s the narrative they want you to believe, says one ex-Mushroom Kingdom insider.
A former aid of the royal family, whom we’ve opted to keep anonymous for their own safety, has come forward to reveal the true nature of this ordeal, which is supposedly a planned move.
Toadsworth, right-hand to the royal family, has watched over generation after generation of the great monarchy. And in that time, he’s grown to be a terrifyingly powerful figure behind the scenes.
Princess Peach was allowed to be kidnapped, unbeknownst to her, so that while she’s away and the kingdom is in panic, Toadsworth may rally the Mushroom Kingdom forces and invade Iran on behalf of their close ally Israel. Toadsworth has been accepting money from an Israeli special interest group for years, and will go to any lengths to see their agendas carried out.
We reached out to Peach’s Castle for comment, one of the Toad’s responded with “AGGAGA OH NO AAAAAAAA AGAHGAGA GAGA HAHAHAHA OH NO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”
The Mushroom Kingdom hasn’t made any official moves yet in this inevitable, costly war, but it’s certain they will be making this move, if you follow the trail of money. We can only hope the bloodshed is minimal.
Abortion has always been an incredibly controversial political issue. The legal matters of human rights, bodily autonomy, a right to life, and consent are a messy business, and it’s natural for a diverse group with different viewpoints to see things in their own ways. Even in a population as homogeneous as the Mushroom Kingdom.
The conservative, nationalist country of the Mushroom Kingdom has long held traditional ideals, but Toads are unfortunately mortal beings with vices like the rest of us. As much as we all would love to never imagine that. Toads don’t just reproduce. They fuck. Toads fuck hard. And sometimes, when Toads fuck, there are consequences.
Toadette, resident of the Mushroom Kingdom, discovered she was pregnant recently. The pink-haired Toad civilian, unable to care for her child with her tennis career (and not too sure which Toad did the deed, they all kind of look alike), opted to end the child’s suffering before bringing them into a cruel world where they could never know the love of a real mother and father.
Abortion, which is strictly illegal in the Mushroom Kingdom because of their deeply religious beliefs, is not something readily available at your local Planned Parent Pipe. Toadette had to find some shady ass people to stick a coat hanger in her and fish out bits of Toad fetus. It wasn’t very pretty.
When Mushroom Kingdom authorities discovered the crime that’d taken place, they bounced in place and shrieked in their high-pitched, nasally voices “AGHAGGAHGAGAA OH NO AGHAHAGA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA OH NO AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AGAGHAGAGA”. The Mushroom Kingdom has never had the most competent law enforcement.
The leader of the Mushroom Kingdom, grand matriarch Princess Peach, was unavailable to offer a statement as she was once again missing from her castle. But the Toads we could reach out to gave us the statement “OH NO AGAHGAGA GAGA AUAUAUGAGU AHAHAHA YAHOO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OH NO GAGAGA GAHAGGHAGAAGA”.
Toadette will be executed for her crimes at a future date.
Why do mass crossovers so frequently suck ass? Why can’t characters from a multitude of different universes come together to form a cohesive whole? Why is there always so much bullshit?
So much fucking bullshit. Honestly. If you’re pulling from a dozen different worlds with a variety of deep lores and stories to them, you really shouldn’t have to fall back on generic plot devices with no merit to any of the stories.
Especially not fucking cubes. Cubes for fucks sake. Fucking. Cubes.
Literally just drag and drop a handful of untextured cubes into a fucking scene why don’t you.
Now, by no means am I a fucking weeb. It’s not like I just read amiibos and watch mongoose or anything. But as a cultured and enlightened being, I can appreciate quality works where I see them. The cultural significance of Dragon Ball Z, or the ripples Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure sent through video games, animation, and more. Or how fucking cool Yu-Gi-Oh cards are.
Jump Force takes all of those franchises and more, combines them all into a fighting game mash-up, and does absolutely none of them justice. None.
Jump Force is a celebration of all the greatest flaws of amino and mingles. All of the pitfalls that plague the medium as a whole.
Jump Force is 50 episodes of screaming followed by a non sequitur story arc about Krillin’s urinary tract infection. Jump Force is an amalgamation of personalities drained of their vibrancy and tossed around like generic action figures in a battle where the results don’t even matter.
If Naruto goes sicko mode and kills Pikachu with the Kamamacarena Wave, we can just use the Chaos Emeralds to wish him back to life. So his character development and redemption arc are ultimately invalidated and meaningless.
Except there isn’t even the prospect of consequence or character development because it’s a self-justifying character mash-up.
Instead of screaming it’s repetitive filler cutscenes with poor animation. Instead of generic filler characters, they’re the main characters you know and love, reduced to supporting characters that parrot catchphrases in a story struggling to justify itself with bland original characters no one cares about.
The only, single, solitary redeeming feature is that the actual battle mechanics, when you actually get through the meaningless static it calls dialogue and endless loading screens, aren’t that bad. They’re not what I’d call good, but they could be worse. Simple, accessible button mashing. Generic, repetitive, but flashy and mostly responsive. But even then, most of the characters play the same and it makes no sense.
How can Yugi literally fly across the battlefield and teleport rapidly to smash his enemies into the ground? Why can every single character do that? Why don’t they each have their own unique style instead of all controlling like different skins of Dragon Ball Z characters? There is no love put into the game, just tone-deaf references and brainless nerd circlejerkery.
Jump Force doesn’t know what it wants to be and does everything it tries badly. If they wanted to focus on the gameplay, why is there a story mode composed 100% of filler? There is genuinely nothing worth seeing in the story mode, it’s not even good as fan service.
It’s not even optional. There’s no arcade mode or anything. If they wanted to force the story mode, why didn’t they design an actual fucking story mode instead of just cobbling together shitty animations and flavorless text? You’re working with franchises where parallel universes, virtual reality, time travel, wish-granting, and reality warping are all canon occurrences. The most lazy and basic forms of plot devices, and they had to go even lazier with fucking magic cubes and evil soulless fighter clones.
Why couldn’t they write something genuinely compelling? Dragon Ball’s universe god calling for a “Tournament of Power” between different dimensions similar to the ending arc of Super, Yugi getting zapped into a virtual reality video game that involves all the amigo characters, Woody and Buzz Lightyear being bought off eBay by a weeaboo and needing to fight their way through all his action figures to save Little Bo Peep from getting hot glued every night; there are more than enough tools for a decent crossover and they used none.
The Penguins of Madagascar building a time machine and traveling to the bad future where Perfect Cell becomes King of New York, Johnny Test’s sisters crafting androids that go renegade and destroy all life on Earth prompting Trunks to travel to their dimension accidentally tipping off Bling-Bling Boy to the Dragon Balls so he can use his wish to become the ultimate ruler of all universes sending Johnny on a quest through the multiverse with a collection of gadgets except Dukey gets pierced by a Stand Arrow, awakening him to his powers to freeze time, which he uses to help Johnny up until he meets the android responsible for destroying Earth, an alternate universe version of Android 18, and falls madly in love, splitting up the unstoppable duo of Johnny and Dukey, until Johnny learns the true meaning of friendship and overcomes all of the obstacles in his path when he masters the Sharingan and Ultra Instinct; this shit genuinely writes itself.
Jump Force could’ve easily just been something Super Smash Bros-esque and prioritized gameplay over story, and it would’ve turned out perfectly fine. Or it could’ve prioritized plot and introduced characters somewhat meaningful to any one franchise. Dragon Ball FighterZ had the pink vore girl I jerked off to, she had some sort of plot significance to the series.
Or they could’ve done something about the Wallace and Gromit art style. If Wallace and Gromit were in the game, I would’ve been perfectly fine with it. Hell, if it took place in the Wallace and Gromit universe, and they were primary antagonists, that would’ve literally fixed every problem with the game, minus the execution on every fundamental level.
And worst of all, the character creator’s tiddy scale is pathetic. Fucking. Pathetic. This is the biggest they go? Those look like it should be average, normal sized tits. In the middle of the bar, not the end of it.
Look, I’m not a fucking pedophile here. I don’t want these small ass little kids tits, I don’t jerk off to million year old dragons that are 8 years old. I want some huge fucking tiddies. I want watermelon-sized tits, minimum. I want them bigger than my fucking head. And an ass to match. And thighs. And feet. And they better be fucking fragrant.
Bandai Namco has vowed to keep updating the game to address gameplay concerns, but I refuse to give this game a second chance before they cut the feminist SJW normie shit and give we gamers the giant fucking anime tits we want and deserve. This is an issue of gamer rights, and I refuse to budge on it.
This just happened oh my god I am literally crying and shaking right now I was at Applebee’s enjoying my 2 for $20 and minding my own business when Kotaku came up to me and started shouting gamer language at me I was so shocked and disgusted I have never felt more assaulted in my life this literally just happened right now this is a true story.
I was sitting at my own table, eating my own 2 for $20, when they just barged in and intruded on my meal, and blasphemed against my most sacrosanct of dinners. They called my 2 for $20’s gay and the f word that means gay, and then they turned to me and called me the n word with a hard r that means African American. Then they whipped out their dick and told me I am an f word that means gay for looking at it, when they were grabbing food off of my plate, my 2 for $20’s, and stuffing it in their foreskin.
When their foreskin was swollen up to about the size of a large plum, they grabbed the bottle of ketchup off my table and generously squirted it on top, before making a “pftpththfhthfthtpt” sound with their tongue while squirting it on my nice Easter Sunday suit jacket, as if they were farting out ketchup onto my outfit.
The waiter came and asked if everything was alright, and I tried to speak up and say no but Kotaku kept interrupting me, repeating everything I said but louder and in a voice like Goofy from Mickey Mouse, and making those fart noises with their tongue. They told the waiter everything was fine, and the waiter didn’t even question why there was 2 for $20 dripping from Kotaku’s exposed foreskin.
Whenever I’d try to ignore them and eat my food Kotaku would say something about how they were gonna dig up my aunt’s grave and jerk off on her “stupid fat (n word with a hard r) feet” if I didn’t stop eating and listen to them. But if I’d put my food down they’d just stare at me and call me a “stupid (n word with a hard r) cuck”.
I tried to gather my things and leave but they’d stand in front of my face and make every step I took a battle. When I finally got to the parking lot they just circled me calling me the n word over and over. I broke down and cried, but they just wouldn’t stop. It took me a while to get into my car because they’d shut the door on me whenever I opened it. They followed me and kept honking their horn and hurling gamer language at me all the way home. I had to circle my block a few times and only barely lost them when we passed a cop. I parked my car in my garage and am still in there, typing this from my phone.
I’ll keep this story updated as it unfolds.
I peeked out a few times and I still see them driving by slowly every few minutes like they’re looking for me. I’m so scared oh my god I’m shaking right now this is really happening. I’ll update this story again when they leave.
Borderlands fans can finally rejoice, Borderlands 3 is officially happening. The third (technically fourth?) Borderlands game was officially announced, promising even more colorful characters and billions of guns.
The announcement came rather out of the blue at around 3AM from a McDonald’s parking lot in El Paso, Texas. Gearbox CEO Randy Pitchford, wearing a makeshift poncho composed of Walmart bags and what looked to be gum scraped off the underside of a park bench, appeared to make the surprise reveal in a rather erratic manner. The entire thing was filmed from his phone.
An unidentifiable hooded figure was with him the entire time, with their hands in their coat pockets. A distinct gun shape could be seen pointing from within aforementioned pocket. Anytime Pitchford would stumble on his words, they would poke him with the pointed shape within their pocket, and Pitchford would correct himself.
At one point during the broadcast, Pitchford broke down into tears, blubbering near incomprehensible gibberish. While most of it was lost to his nasally whimpering, “I’m sorry about Aliens, I’m sorry about Battleborn, please help” could scarcely be made out, before he began sobbing hysterically. I could’ve swore he said “They’re gonna take my bone marrow”, but it was hard to decipher just what was said before the stream cut out abruptly.
Many interesting and colorful characters were teased, and it looks as if more diverse environments will be joining the desert world of Borderlands. From the looks of it, the next playable Siren character will be melee focused, wielding many powerful arms.
Randy Pitchford has not been seen since the announcement, and any attempts to get in touch with Gearbox have fallen through. Their offices have a foreclosure notice on them, and it appears their phone has been disconnected. Their website now redirects to some kind of Russian site.
There is no confirmed date yet for when Borderlands 3 drops, but fans speculate it may be sometime in October.
The problem with any one piece of art is that it doesn’t exist within a void. Regardless of how pure and uninfluenced the artist’s vision is, the one experiencing the piece will have an inherent idea of the form of art based on other things they’ve experienced. A painting could be pretty, but is it prettier than other things they’ve seen? Or not as pretty? What if it was a painting by Hitler? Would that influence their opinion?
Comparisons will always be drawn, despite how much you try to avoid it. Sometimes the equivalency is false, but the damage is already done. Like trying to compare a human penis to a horse penis. We’re not even anatomically compatible, you’re just asking for internal hemorrhaging. But if they wanna fuck a horse, they’re gonna fuck that horse. There’s no stopping it. In some cases though, it’s perfectly natural and almost being asked for. The act of comparing things, not horse fucking.
Brawlout, the promising off-brand Super Smash Bros, looked to be answering the prayers of all the fanboys and elitists that refuse to buy a Nintendo console just for one game. Prayers aren’t always answered though.
Super Smash Bros is one of the largest franchises in the game industry. It’s a console mover, a killer app. There isn’t just a community around the series, it’s a cornerstone of gaming culture. Smash Bros didn’t just create and define its own genre, it also mastered and perfected it. Sure, there are purists for each entry that consider their preferred Smash Bros game to be the best out of all them. But it’s inarguable that Smash Bros isn’t something as simple as Fortnite that any company can just put their own spin on and release as an original product.
But Brawlout tried to do just that very thing. And while they really tried, the difference in power levels made the very attempt seem like a hopelessly half-assed sham of a knockoff. How can you put a unique spin on a game that’s been perfected, where every element is calculated perfectly? Where is there room to improve, when the act of substituting one feature for another only detracts from the experience? Super Smash Bros is Super Smash Bros in its purest, greatest sense. All of the things that make it what it is are finely woven and intertwined with one another to the point that there is no way to improve it.
It’s like the spork. Is there a more omnipotent consumption tool than the spork? Is there any way to improve upon its intuitive design? It is the final evolution of its kind, the apex utensil. Spoons and forks strove to compete for dominance, dominating the likes of chopsticks and other inferior tools. But the spork cannot be built upon, cannot be riffed off of. There is no room for improvement, no room for creative interpretation that reinvents itself.
Brawlout as a standalone title is decent. A variety of interesting, original characters that are all anthropomorphic animals for some reason. Minus points for the furries, but they’re all nicely designed characters at least. And yet, they lack the defining personality, charm, and historical legacy of Nintendo’s characters. The fights are fast-paced and definitely feel like a party fighter, and yet the mechanics are a bit clunky, not anywhere near as snappy as Smash Bros. None of the characters just feel “right”, and the camera is lacking the dynamic element of Smash Bros. The lack of large, vivid, easily distinguishable models can make hectic fights feel a little too hectic to the point that one can’t even tell where they are.
The amount of sheer content is a drop in Smash’s piss bucket. And while it’s understandable that an indie startup could never rival a series that’s had over a decade to build itself up, Brawlout feels like a cheap free-to-play version of the original Smash 64. It just feels cheap. The controls feel cheap, some of the physics feel cheap. It might have been made by a fraction of the development team, being sold for a fraction of the price. But it doesn’t even have the level of polish of a late 90’s fighting game, and polish is particularly important for fighting games.
Sure, it’s an adequate game when judged “on its own merits”. But why would anyone settle for false adequacy? It’s like being Amish. Your simple life of manual labor and missionary sex for the purpose of procreation are nice and I respect your desire to not want to use the internet so that you can’t accidentally figure out how fucking lame you are, but I don’t wanna be Amish. I want a fast car and hoes.
And the foreskin on top of the smegma-encrusted micropenis that is Brawlout? Brawlout thinks its gameplay is worth investing time into. The only way to unlock anything is by grinding. Grind and level up your characters to unlock different skins and variations, play endless rounds of the game’s clunky gameplay to earn coins for buying loot boxes to unlock random junk to customize your online profile and characters. Fighting endless rounds of the game’s repetitive fights just to unlock a fraction of the already slim content is a laughable way of artificially stretching out the game’s value.
They thought they had their gameplay so perfectly refined and perfected that you would be willing to grind through several dozen of their little battles for a clone character and a party hat. It feels like it wasn’t sure if it wanted to appeal to Melee nerds or people that would actually be interested in a fun party fighter. The emphasis on combos feels weird and ill-fitting for a party game, along with the lack of items, variety, and spontaneity. But it’s also bare bones and hardly what one might call technical.
It’s a decent, if not forgettable fighting game. And it’s an okay homage to a beloved pillar of the industry. But it feels as if Brawlout is a regrettable Tinder date. Not quite what the pictures and description promised, and yet expecting you to put out after he buys you dinner off the dollar menu at Taco Bell. And then makes you split the bill with him. He’d keep trying to put his fingers in your ass, but his fingernails are long and there’s visible grime under them. When the scent of energy drinks and poor life choices get to be too much, you’d need to pepper spray him just to get him out of the car, and then he’d send you a long, flowery paragraph telling you what a bitch you are for not letting him smash on the first date in the backseat of his car because his parents are home even though he’s 30 and works full-time as a GameStop manager.
Simply showing up and not infecting me with anthrax isn’t something to put on the back of the box. It’s not an achievement. That’s the base expectation. Unless I’m explicitly buying anthrax, in which case showing up and not giving me anthrax would definitely be the opposite of an achievement, as it would fail to do the one thing it was meant to do.
There are traces of potential within Brawlout’s hollow shell. With the wonder of the internet, Brawlout has been updated many times already, ironing out bugs and adding more content. They’ve added guest characters, like that one indie character with the sword. And the Nazi lizard. The one alt-right sympathizer JonTron gave birth to. They’re in it too. Maybe one day they’ll add enough guest characters and content for anyone to care about their game.
Even then though, Brawlout is really only a substitute. A slice of American cheese on top of a soy hotdog, microwaved and dipped in corn syrup. A way for the delusional to feel like they’re getting a real, original Super Smash Bros experience on their PC or non-Nintendo console. And compared to even whatever you think the worst Smash Bros game might be, it’s almost humiliating.
Brawlout is the game you’d step on while playing Super Smash Bros. Plagued by a deep inadequacy that permeates every fiber of its existence. Some people are into that though. Whatever floats your sissy femboy penis.
The United States and North Korea have been butting heads for quite some time now. It seems every month or so, Kim Jong-un feels the need to remind everyone that he does in fact possess nuclear weapons and is not afraid to use them.
They’ve had quite a few disagreements, and there was a point where it looked like war was imminent. But then Trump did the unthinkable, and became the first US president to meet with the North Korean head of state. And for a time, it seemed like perhaps negotiations were possible. Tensions were slowly simmering down, and talks of denuclearization actually seemed like a feasible reality.
And now it’s all gone down the drain.
In an effort to foster a greater relationship between America and North Korea, Trump and Kim Jong-un had become more or less best buds. Kim would get to golf with Trump at Mar-a-Lago, they’d go out to nice restaurants and basketball games together, and would be up all night talking to each other about dreams they had or playing games online. Kim thought he finally found a real friend.
And in a game of Minecraft the other night, Trump told Kim to dig straight down as a joke, landing the North Korean dictator in hot lava. Quite literally. Everything he’d collected up until that point, lost. The cruel prank prompted Kim to cut off all ties with Trump and America, and vow to get revenge with his nuclear program.
Thanks to our dumb idiot stupid orange Cheeto puff small hand Nazi stupid idiot retard president, North Korea has newfound interest in carpet-bombing America off the map. Trump, who’s only job was to be nice to the guy with the nukes, had to go and pick on the autistic kid. Thanks a fucking lot.
We can only hope and pray that this blows over by the time Kim Jong-un finishes his Lunchables.