There’s been serious controversy lately on white washing characters and having proper representation of minorities in media. Disney’s upcoming remake of The Little Mermaid, and various debates over Pokémon Gym Leaders have ravaged the internet.
Nintendo, ever the conservative company, has been taking steps to broaden their appeal to a wider demographic. They’ve been including more diverse characters in their games, and have been catering to other audiences besides autistic white children.
Their latest push, making Toad black. In their upcoming live action remake of Super Mario 64, using face rendering tech similar to what Kojima used to put Norman Reedus into Death Stranding, Toad will be played by Lil Wayne. Super Mario himself will be played by Danny Devito.
This drastic shift for the Mushroom Kingdom cast will no doubt stir controversy, but Nintendo is already prepped for such a backlash.
“If you look at it, I think Toad has always been a black character” said Miyamoto, who will be overseeing the new project. “Toad has always been a character that has faced great hardships, and has bounced back. In the original Super Mario, Goombas were just Toads that were enslaved with Bowser’s magic. And Bowser is definitely white.”
Super Mario 64 HD will be a Nintendo Switch Lite exclusive and launch with the console exclusively. If you attempt to put the game chip into a regular Switch, you will be charged with a hate crime.
Rumors have been circulating around that Nintendo has several new design iterations of their popular Switch console in development. And with high profile titles like Animal Crossing and Pokémon Sword and Shield on their way, it makes sense they’d unveil one of them for the holiday season.
The new Switch Lite, which forsakes all console elements in favor of a sleek, portable design, will be the perfect alternative for people that prefer to game on the go. The cheaper price point will also serve as a much more accessible entry point for small children, since their parents don’t love them as much.
The Switch Lite also comes with sixty (60) pounds of cocaine.
The consoles will come in blue, yellow, and gray. In one fell swoop, Nintendo has made the Switch Lite this holiday’s hottest new console.
The Switch Lite releases September 20th and retails for $199.99 USD.
Luigi’s Mansion 3 has been announced, and Nintendo has been slowly pulling away the curtain on the secrets the game will hold. New characters, new game mechanics, they’re really going all out with this installment.
But one of the most popular new additions has been the new Gooigi feature. Gooigi, Luigi’s gooey doppelganger, will be playable for co-op and can be used to solve various puzzles.
The internet quickly became enamored with the gooey green boy, so the developers agreed to sit down and tell us more about Gooigi and the roles he’ll play in Luigi’s Mansion 3.
“Gooigi is a semi-solid mass, not like slime, but more like a gummy worm. One could easily take a bite out of him. Gooigi was created by Professor E. Gadd after accidentally cumming in a ghost. The cum, mixed with ghostly ectoplasm, birthed Gooigi as an infant child, and he suckled at E. Gadd’s teat until he grew to his adult size.” Luigi’s Mansion director Yoshihito Ikebata told us in an exclusive interview.
“While he is identical to Luigi, right down to each individual strand of gummy hair on his moustache, his lack of muscle, bone, joints, and flesh means that he can do things Luigi can’t. For example, even though he and Luigi have identically long, girthy schlongs, Gooigi can bend and control his freely. He can grasp objects with his manhood, like switches and levers, or lift heavy objects that Luigi can’t. These elements will be present in the game’s many puzzles.”
When asked what flavor Gooigi would taste like, since they mentioned him being edible, they said “cum”.
We’ve all known something major was about to shake up the world of gaming for the past few years now. We could all feel it coming. There were always whispers that something was coming to blow the entire industry out of the water, and this is finally it. Nintendo is doomed.
Amid all of the leaks and announcements from the major companies, talk of next-gen consoles and killer exclusives, one party has remained unusually quiet. Israel. Ever since its launch, Israel has managed to pull a rather devoted fanbase of strongly nationalist Israelis, and a few passionate fans overseas in the United States. But they still haven’t become the global superpower we all know they could be.
These leaked documents hint that the ethnostate of Zionist Israel is planning to launch a next-generation Israel that’s even bigger and better than ever. With new American Blast Processing that can cleanse large swathes of land using droid technology, Israel can now eliminate Palestinians and other unwanted features from their lands with over 24 Jewgaflops of raw processing power. That’s more than four times the power of the Xbox One X.
If these leaks are accurate, we’re talking beyond 4K, 60FPS. We’re talking beyond VR compatible. When Digital Foundry looked into it, they discovered no evidence of Assad gassing his own people. But now, next-gen shit? Israel will be able to do Syria better than Assad ever could. Imagine an ethnostate that could gas Syrians flawlessly, in real time, without any jaggies or loading screens. That’s the kind of power we’re talking here.
There’s no official word yet, but these leaks could very well be the end of the game industry as we know it. Greater Israel has been in development for years, and it’s just about time for the world to see what the developers have been hard at work on.
It’s Pride Month, so every company has been coming out of the woodwork to show their acceptance of gay culture. Microsoft set their Twitter icon to a rainbow Xbox logo and Sony confirmed that Crash Bandicoot is trans, leaving the ball in historically conservative Nintendo’s court.
Nintendo has never really done anything to show their acceptance of the LGBT, but with increasing pressure, they finally had to take a step in the right direction.
Smash Bros director Masahiro Sakurai confirmed that the popular Ice Climbers characters are in fact in an open, poly relationship.
The male Ice Climber Popo and his wife Nana believe in free love and open sexuality. While both love each other very much, they’re allowed to seek other relationships and fuck whoever they want.
Sakurai elaborated that while Nana, who is a total hot piece of ass, gets dicked down on the regular by absolute chads like Ganondorf, Bowser, King K. Rool, and the Wii Fit Trainer who is trans and has a massive cock, Popo does not have the same level of success.
Popo, who has not found enough women willing to fuck him casually, has been starting to question his sexuality, and has sucked the Duck Hunt Dog’s cock just once. The Duck watched. He remarked being aroused by this, but feels like he’s not gay. Lately Popo has been questioning, and may choose to identify as a pansexual trans woman.
Nintendo promises to be more committed to providing diverse and realistic depictions of LGBT characters going forward, and has promised that in the next Super Mario game, Luigi will fuck at least three Toads. Anally.
Game of Thrones has finally ended, with a finale that’s left fans all over divided. Very few could have seen that last episode coming, and very few would have guessed that it would go out the way it did.
Many expected the
series to go out with a bang, but it settled for more of a soft, moist plop.
Some are happy with the outcome, many wish that it had gone differently. But
the original author, George R. R. Martin, says that it’s not even close to the
ending he’d envisioned.
“Why do you
think it’s even called Westeros? Why do you think the primary antagonist was
the Walkers? The Night King was the spirit of Waluigi, the true protagonist of
the story. All of Westeros were the villains, the corrupt and greedy humans
that had stolen his land away from him. His destiny was to reclaim what was
his. All of Waaahsteros.”
George R. R. Martin
went on to insist that the books hinted at it from the very beginning. Bran
Stark was the true villain all along, capable of seeing the future, and aiming
to topple the kingdoms and bring them under his rule. The Night King, Waluigi, was
attempting to save his people and reclaim his throne by taking him out. The
Waaahkers, his loyal followers that gave their lives for him, were never the
Sure, killing and eating people might be wrong. But what’s more wrong, killing and eating people, or fucking and impregnating your sister? What\’s more wrong, killing and eating people, or burning your child alive? What’s more wrong, killing and eating people, or being a feminist? Game of Thrones has always been about which character one hates the least, not lovable characters. Waluigi and his followers are flawed, but they are the best fit for the throne.
Martin, while disappointed over the ending, is not losing sleep. He’s got several other projects underway at HBO, and is confident in his newest series, A Dance Of Fire And Crash Bandicoot.
HBO has confirmed, Crash Bandicoot will not be appearing in the TV adaptation, despite being on the cover of the novel.
The Mushroom Kingdom has been in an uproar because of yet another high-ranking blunder on account of their military force.
Once again, Bowser’s forces have seemed to slip through without a hitch to abduct the fair princess and hold the government hostage. The two nations, which have been at perpetual war, have had many an altercation like this. Naturally, the nation’s heroes will rise up to save the day.
At least, that’s the narrative they want you to believe, says one ex-Mushroom Kingdom insider.
A former aid of the royal family, whom we’ve opted to keep anonymous for their own safety, has come forward to reveal the true nature of this ordeal, which is supposedly a planned move.
Toadsworth, right-hand to the royal family, has watched over generation after generation of the great monarchy. And in that time, he’s grown to be a terrifyingly powerful figure behind the scenes.
Princess Peach was allowed to be kidnapped, unbeknownst to her, so that while she’s away and the kingdom is in panic, Toadsworth may rally the Mushroom Kingdom forces and invade Iran on behalf of their close ally Israel. Toadsworth has been accepting money from an Israeli special interest group for years, and will go to any lengths to see their agendas carried out.
We reached out to Peach’s Castle for comment, one of the Toad’s responded with “AGGAGA OH NO AAAAAAAA AGAHGAGA GAGA HAHAHAHA OH NO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”
The Mushroom Kingdom hasn’t made any official moves yet in this inevitable, costly war, but it’s certain they will be making this move, if you follow the trail of money. We can only hope the bloodshed is minimal.
Abortion has always been an incredibly controversial political issue. The legal matters of human rights, bodily autonomy, a right to life, and consent are a messy business, and it’s natural for a diverse group with different viewpoints to see things in their own ways. Even in a population as homogeneous as the Mushroom Kingdom.
The conservative, nationalist country of the Mushroom Kingdom has long held traditional ideals, but Toads are unfortunately mortal beings with vices like the rest of us. As much as we all would love to never imagine that. Toads don’t just reproduce. They fuck. Toads fuck hard. And sometimes, when Toads fuck, there are consequences.
Toadette, resident of the Mushroom Kingdom, discovered she was pregnant recently. The pink-haired Toad civilian, unable to care for her child with her tennis career (and not too sure which Toad did the deed, they all kind of look alike), opted to end the child’s suffering before bringing them into a cruel world where they could never know the love of a real mother and father.
Abortion, which is strictly illegal in the Mushroom Kingdom because of their deeply religious beliefs, is not something readily available at your local Planned Parent Pipe. Toadette had to find some shady ass people to stick a coat hanger in her and fish out bits of Toad fetus. It wasn’t very pretty.
When Mushroom Kingdom authorities discovered the crime that’d taken place, they bounced in place and shrieked in their high-pitched, nasally voices “AGHAGGAHGAGAA OH NO AGHAHAGA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA OH NO AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AGAGHAGAGA”. The Mushroom Kingdom has never had the most competent law enforcement.
The leader of the Mushroom Kingdom, grand matriarch Princess Peach, was unavailable to offer a statement as she was once again missing from her castle. But the Toads we could reach out to gave us the statement “OH NO AGAHGAGA GAGA AUAUAUGAGU AHAHAHA YAHOO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OH NO GAGAGA GAHAGGHAGAAGA”.
Toadette will be executed for her crimes at a future date.
Why do mass crossovers so frequently suck ass? Why can’t characters from a multitude of different universes come together to form a cohesive whole? Why is there always so much bullshit?
So much fucking bullshit. Honestly. If you’re pulling from a dozen different worlds with a variety of deep lores and stories to them, you really shouldn’t have to fall back on generic plot devices with no merit to any of the stories.
Especially not fucking cubes. Cubes for fucks sake. Fucking. Cubes.
Literally just drag and drop a handful of untextured cubes into a fucking scene why don’t you.
Now, by no means am I a fucking weeb. It’s not like I just read amiibos and watch mongoose or anything. But as a cultured and enlightened being, I can appreciate quality works where I see them. The cultural significance of Dragon Ball Z, or the ripples Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure sent through video games, animation, and more. Or how fucking cool Yu-Gi-Oh cards are.
Jump Force takes all of those franchises and more, combines them all into a fighting game mash-up, and does absolutely none of them justice. None.
Jump Force is a celebration of all the greatest flaws of amino and mingles. All of the pitfalls that plague the medium as a whole.
Jump Force is 50 episodes of screaming followed by a non sequitur story arc about Krillin’s urinary tract infection. Jump Force is an amalgamation of personalities drained of their vibrancy and tossed around like generic action figures in a battle where the results don’t even matter.
If Naruto goes sicko mode and kills Pikachu with the Kamamacarena Wave, we can just use the Chaos Emeralds to wish him back to life. So his character development and redemption arc are ultimately invalidated and meaningless.
Except there isn’t even the prospect of consequence or character development because it’s a self-justifying character mash-up.
Instead of screaming it’s repetitive filler cutscenes with poor animation. Instead of generic filler characters, they’re the main characters you know and love, reduced to supporting characters that parrot catchphrases in a story struggling to justify itself with bland original characters no one cares about.
The only, single, solitary redeeming feature is that the actual battle mechanics, when you actually get through the meaningless static it calls dialogue and endless loading screens, aren’t that bad. They’re not what I’d call good, but they could be worse. Simple, accessible button mashing. Generic, repetitive, but flashy and mostly responsive. But even then, most of the characters play the same and it makes no sense.
How can Yugi literally fly across the battlefield and teleport rapidly to smash his enemies into the ground? Why can every single character do that? Why don’t they each have their own unique style instead of all controlling like different skins of Dragon Ball Z characters? There is no love put into the game, just tone-deaf references and brainless nerd circlejerkery.
Jump Force doesn’t know what it wants to be and does everything it tries badly. If they wanted to focus on the gameplay, why is there a story mode composed 100% of filler? There is genuinely nothing worth seeing in the story mode, it’s not even good as fan service.
It’s not even optional. There’s no arcade mode or anything. If they wanted to force the story mode, why didn’t they design an actual fucking story mode instead of just cobbling together shitty animations and flavorless text? You’re working with franchises where parallel universes, virtual reality, time travel, wish-granting, and reality warping are all canon occurrences. The most lazy and basic forms of plot devices, and they had to go even lazier with fucking magic cubes and evil soulless fighter clones.
Why couldn’t they write something genuinely compelling? Dragon Ball’s universe god calling for a “Tournament of Power” between different dimensions similar to the ending arc of Super, Yugi getting zapped into a virtual reality video game that involves all the amigo characters, Woody and Buzz Lightyear being bought off eBay by a weeaboo and needing to fight their way through all his action figures to save Little Bo Peep from getting hot glued every night; there are more than enough tools for a decent crossover and they used none.
The Penguins of Madagascar building a time machine and traveling to the bad future where Perfect Cell becomes King of New York, Johnny Test’s sisters crafting androids that go renegade and destroy all life on Earth prompting Trunks to travel to their dimension accidentally tipping off Bling-Bling Boy to the Dragon Balls so he can use his wish to become the ultimate ruler of all universes sending Johnny on a quest through the multiverse with a collection of gadgets except Dukey gets pierced by a Stand Arrow, awakening him to his powers to freeze time, which he uses to help Johnny up until he meets the android responsible for destroying Earth, an alternate universe version of Android 18, and falls madly in love, splitting up the unstoppable duo of Johnny and Dukey, until Johnny learns the true meaning of friendship and overcomes all of the obstacles in his path when he masters the Sharingan and Ultra Instinct; this shit genuinely writes itself.
Jump Force could’ve easily just been something Super Smash Bros-esque and prioritized gameplay over story, and it would’ve turned out perfectly fine. Or it could’ve prioritized plot and introduced characters somewhat meaningful to any one franchise. Dragon Ball FighterZ had the pink vore girl I jerked off to, she had some sort of plot significance to the series.
Or they could’ve done something about the Wallace and Gromit art style. If Wallace and Gromit were in the game, I would’ve been perfectly fine with it. Hell, if it took place in the Wallace and Gromit universe, and they were primary antagonists, that would’ve literally fixed every problem with the game, minus the execution on every fundamental level.
And worst of all, the character creator’s tiddy scale is pathetic. Fucking. Pathetic. This is the biggest they go? Those look like it should be average, normal sized tits. In the middle of the bar, not the end of it.
Look, I’m not a fucking pedophile here. I don’t want these small ass little kids tits, I don’t jerk off to million year old dragons that are 8 years old. I want some huge fucking tiddies. I want watermelon-sized tits, minimum. I want them bigger than my fucking head. And an ass to match. And thighs. And feet. And they better be fucking fragrant.
Bandai Namco has vowed to keep updating the game to address gameplay concerns, but I refuse to give this game a second chance before they cut the feminist SJW normie shit and give we gamers the giant fucking anime tits we want and deserve. This is an issue of gamer rights, and I refuse to budge on it.
This just happened oh my god I am literally crying and shaking right now I was at Applebee’s enjoying my 2 for $20 and minding my own business when Kotaku came up to me and started shouting gamer language at me I was so shocked and disgusted I have never felt more assaulted in my life this literally just happened right now this is a true story.
I was sitting at my own table, eating my own 2 for $20, when they just barged in and intruded on my meal, and blasphemed against my most sacrosanct of dinners. They called my 2 for $20’s gay and the f word that means gay, and then they turned to me and called me the n word with a hard r that means African American. Then they whipped out their dick and told me I am an f word that means gay for looking at it, when they were grabbing food off of my plate, my 2 for $20’s, and stuffing it in their foreskin.
When their foreskin was swollen up to about the size of a large plum, they grabbed the bottle of ketchup off my table and generously squirted it on top, before making a “pftpththfhthfthtpt” sound with their tongue while squirting it on my nice Easter Sunday suit jacket, as if they were farting out ketchup onto my outfit.
The waiter came and asked if everything was alright, and I tried to speak up and say no but Kotaku kept interrupting me, repeating everything I said but louder and in a voice like Goofy from Mickey Mouse, and making those fart noises with their tongue. They told the waiter everything was fine, and the waiter didn’t even question why there was 2 for $20 dripping from Kotaku’s exposed foreskin.
Whenever I’d try to ignore them and eat my food Kotaku would say something about how they were gonna dig up my aunt’s grave and jerk off on her “stupid fat (n word with a hard r) feet” if I didn’t stop eating and listen to them. But if I’d put my food down they’d just stare at me and call me a “stupid (n word with a hard r) cuck”.
I tried to gather my things and leave but they’d stand in front of my face and make every step I took a battle. When I finally got to the parking lot they just circled me calling me the n word over and over. I broke down and cried, but they just wouldn’t stop. It took me a while to get into my car because they’d shut the door on me whenever I opened it. They followed me and kept honking their horn and hurling gamer language at me all the way home. I had to circle my block a few times and only barely lost them when we passed a cop. I parked my car in my garage and am still in there, typing this from my phone.
I’ll keep this story updated as it unfolds.
I peeked out a few times and I still see them driving by slowly every few minutes like they’re looking for me. I’m so scared oh my god I’m shaking right now this is really happening. I’ll update this story again when they leave.