Category Archives: Reviews

Why The Fuck Isn’t Johnny Test In This Stupid Bitch Ass Game

Why do mass crossovers so frequently suck ass? Why can’t characters from a multitude of different universes come together to form a cohesive whole? Why is there always so much bullshit?

So much fucking bullshit. Honestly. If you’re pulling from a dozen different worlds with a variety of deep lores and stories to them, you really shouldn’t have to fall back on generic plot devices with no merit to any of the stories.

Especially not fucking cubes. Cubes for fucks sake. Fucking. Cubes.

Cubes

Literally just drag and drop a handful of untextured cubes into a fucking scene why don’t you.

Now, by no means am I a fucking weeb. It’s not like I just read amiibos and watch mongoose or anything. But as a cultured and enlightened being, I can appreciate quality works where I see them. The cultural significance of Dragon Ball Z, or the ripples Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure sent through video games, animation, and more. Or how fucking cool Yu-Gi-Oh cards are.

Jump Force takes all of those franchises and more, combines them all into a fighting game mash-up, and does absolutely none of them justice. None.

Jump Force is a celebration of all the greatest flaws of amino and mingles. All of the pitfalls that plague the medium as a whole.

gang gang

Jump Force is 50 episodes of screaming followed by a non sequitur story arc about Krillin’s urinary tract infection. Jump Force is an amalgamation of personalities drained of their vibrancy and tossed around like generic action figures in a battle where the results don’t even matter.

If Naruto goes sicko mode and kills Pikachu with the Kamamacarena Wave, we can just use the Chaos Emeralds to wish him back to life. So his character development and redemption arc are ultimately invalidated and meaningless.

Except there isn’t even the prospect of consequence or character development because it’s a self-justifying character mash-up.

The only character worth playing as

Instead of screaming it’s repetitive filler cutscenes with poor animation. Instead of generic filler characters, they’re the main characters you know and love, reduced to supporting characters that parrot catchphrases in a story struggling to justify itself with bland original characters no one cares about.

The only, single, solitary redeeming feature is that the actual battle mechanics, when you actually get through the meaningless static it calls dialogue and endless loading screens, aren’t that bad. They’re not what I’d call good, but they could be worse. Simple, accessible button mashing. Generic, repetitive, but flashy and mostly responsive. But even then, most of the characters play the same and it makes no sense.

How can Yugi literally fly across the battlefield and teleport rapidly to smash his enemies into the ground? Why can every single character do that? Why don’t they each have their own unique style instead of all controlling like different skins of Dragon Ball Z characters? There is no love put into the game, just tone-deaf references and brainless nerd circlejerkery.

if they're holograms how can they damage other people this makes no sense

Jump Force doesn’t know what it wants to be and does everything it tries badly. If they wanted to focus on the gameplay, why is there a story mode composed 100% of filler? There is genuinely nothing worth seeing in the story mode, it’s not even good as fan service.

It’s not even optional. There’s no arcade mode or anything. If they wanted to force the story mode, why didn’t they design an actual fucking story mode instead of just cobbling together shitty animations and flavorless text? You’re working with franchises where parallel universes, virtual reality, time travel, wish-granting, and reality warping are all canon occurrences. The most lazy and basic forms of plot devices, and they had to go even lazier with fucking magic cubes and evil soulless fighter clones.

Why couldn’t they write something genuinely compelling? Dragon Ball’s universe god calling for a “Tournament of Power” between different dimensions similar to the ending arc of Super, Yugi getting zapped into a virtual reality video game that involves all the amigo characters, Woody and Buzz Lightyear being bought off eBay by a weeaboo and needing to fight their way through all his action figures to save Little Bo Peep from getting hot glued every night; there are more than enough tools for a decent crossover and they used none.

I want to see Johnny Test's stand powers awaken

The Penguins of Madagascar building a time machine and traveling to the bad future where Perfect Cell becomes King of New York, Johnny Test’s sisters crafting androids that go renegade and destroy all life on Earth prompting Trunks to travel to their dimension accidentally tipping off Bling-Bling Boy to the Dragon Balls so he can use his wish to become the ultimate ruler of all universes sending Johnny on a quest through the multiverse with a collection of gadgets except Dukey gets pierced by a Stand Arrow, awakening him to his powers to freeze time, which he uses to help Johnny up until he meets the android responsible for destroying Earth, an alternate universe version of Android 18, and falls madly in love, splitting up the unstoppable duo of Johnny and Dukey, until Johnny learns the true meaning of friendship and overcomes all of the obstacles in his path when he masters the Sharingan and Ultra Instinct; this shit genuinely writes itself.

Jump Force could’ve easily just been something Super Smash Bros-esque and prioritized gameplay over story, and it would’ve turned out perfectly fine. Or it could’ve prioritized plot and introduced characters somewhat meaningful to any one franchise. Dragon Ball FighterZ had the pink vore girl I jerked off to, she had some sort of plot significance to the series.

Or they could’ve done something about the Wallace and Gromit art style. If Wallace and Gromit were in the game, I would’ve been perfectly fine with it. Hell, if it took place in the Wallace and Gromit universe, and they were primary antagonists, that would’ve literally fixed every problem with the game, minus the execution on every fundamental level.

You call this big fucking anime tiddies?

And worst of all, the character creator’s tiddy scale is pathetic. Fucking. Pathetic. This is the biggest they go? Those look like it should be average, normal sized tits. In the middle of the bar, not the end of it.

Look, I’m not a fucking pedophile here. I don’t want these small ass little kids tits, I don’t jerk off to million year old dragons that are 8 years old. I want some huge fucking tiddies. I want watermelon-sized tits, minimum. I want them bigger than my fucking head. And an ass to match. And thighs. And feet. And they better be fucking fragrant.

Bandai Namco has vowed to keep updating the game to address gameplay concerns, but I refuse to give this game a second chance before they cut the feminist SJW normie shit and give we gamers the giant fucking anime tits we want and deserve. This is an issue of gamer rights, and I refuse to budge on it.

Don’t Bring A Cock Cage To A Gun Fight

The problem with any one piece of art is that it doesn’t exist within a void. Regardless of how pure and uninfluenced the artist’s vision is, the one experiencing the piece will have an inherent idea of the form of art based on other things they’ve experienced. A painting could be pretty, but is it prettier than other things they’ve seen? Or not as pretty? What if it was a painting by Hitler? Would that influence their opinion?

Comparisons will always be drawn, despite how much you try to avoid it. Sometimes the equivalency is false, but the damage is already done. Like trying to compare a human penis to a horse penis. We’re not even anatomically compatible, you’re just asking for internal hemorrhaging. But if they wanna fuck a horse, they’re gonna fuck that horse. There’s no stopping it. In some cases though, it’s perfectly natural and almost being asked for. The act of comparing things, not horse fucking.

Brawlout, the promising off-brand Super Smash Bros, looked to be answering the prayers of all the fanboys and elitists that refuse to buy a Nintendo console just for one game. Prayers aren’t always answered though.

Pooper Poop Poopers

Super Smash Bros is one of the largest franchises in the game industry. It’s a console mover, a killer app. There isn’t just a community around the series, it’s a cornerstone of gaming culture. Smash Bros didn’t just create and define its own genre, it also mastered and perfected it. Sure, there are purists for each entry that consider their preferred Smash Bros game to be the best out of all them. But it’s inarguable that Smash Bros isn’t something as simple as Fortnite that any company can just put their own spin on and release as an original product.

But Brawlout tried to do just that very thing. And while they really tried, the difference in power levels made the very attempt seem like a hopelessly half-assed sham of a knockoff. How can you put a unique spin on a game that’s been perfected, where every element is calculated perfectly? Where is there room to improve, when the act of substituting one feature for another only detracts from the experience? Super Smash Bros is Super Smash Bros in its purest, greatest sense. All of the things that make it what it is are finely woven and intertwined with one another to the point that there is no way to improve it.

It’s like the spork. Is there a more omnipotent consumption tool than the spork? Is there any way to improve upon its intuitive design? It is the final evolution of its kind, the apex utensil. Spoons and forks strove to compete for dominance, dominating the likes of chopsticks and other inferior tools. But the spork cannot be built upon, cannot be riffed off of. There is no room for improvement, no room for creative interpretation that reinvents itself.

This is okay but you know what's better? A fucking spork

Brawlout as a standalone title is decent. A variety of interesting, original characters that are all anthropomorphic animals for some reason. Minus points for the furries, but they’re all nicely designed characters at least. And yet, they lack the defining personality, charm, and historical legacy of Nintendo’s characters. The fights are fast-paced and definitely feel like a party fighter, and yet the mechanics are a bit clunky, not anywhere near as snappy as Smash Bros. None of the characters just feel “right”, and the camera is lacking the dynamic element of Smash Bros. The lack of large, vivid, easily distinguishable models can make hectic fights feel a little too hectic to the point that one can’t even tell where they are.

The amount of sheer content is a drop in Smash’s piss bucket. And while it’s understandable that an indie startup could never rival a series that’s had over a decade to build itself up, Brawlout feels like a cheap free-to-play version of the original Smash 64. It just feels cheap. The controls feel cheap, some of the physics feel cheap. It might have been made by a fraction of the development team, being sold for a fraction of the price. But it doesn’t even have the level of polish of a late 90’s fighting game, and polish is particularly important for fighting games.

Sure, it’s an adequate game when judged “on its own merits”. But why would anyone settle for false adequacy? It’s like being Amish. Your simple life of manual labor and missionary sex for the purpose of procreation are nice and I respect your desire to not want to use the internet so that you can’t accidentally figure out how fucking lame you are, but I don’t wanna be Amish. I want a fast car and hoes.

What is this, Smash Bros for ants?

And the foreskin on top of the smegma-encrusted micropenis that is Brawlout? Brawlout thinks its gameplay is worth investing time into. The only way to unlock anything is by grinding. Grind and level up your characters to unlock different skins and variations, play endless rounds of the game’s clunky gameplay to earn coins for buying loot boxes to unlock random junk to customize your online profile and characters. Fighting endless rounds of the game’s repetitive fights just to unlock a fraction of the already slim content is a laughable way of artificially stretching out the game’s value.

They thought they had their gameplay so perfectly refined and perfected that you would be willing to grind through several dozen of their little battles for a clone character and a party hat. It feels like it wasn’t sure if it wanted to appeal to Melee nerds or people that would actually be interested in a fun party fighter. The emphasis on combos feels weird and ill-fitting for a party game, along with the lack of items, variety, and spontaneity. But it’s also bare bones and hardly what one might call technical.

It’s a decent, if not forgettable fighting game. And it’s an okay homage to a beloved pillar of the industry. But it feels as if Brawlout is a regrettable Tinder date. Not quite what the pictures and description promised, and yet expecting you to put out after he buys you dinner off the dollar menu at Taco Bell. And then makes you split the bill with him. He’d keep trying to put his fingers in your ass, but his fingernails are long and there’s visible grime under them. When the scent of energy drinks and poor life choices get to be too much, you’d need to pepper spray him just to get him out of the car, and then he’d send you a long, flowery paragraph telling you what a bitch you are for not letting him smash on the first date in the backseat of his car because his parents are home even though he’s 30 and works full-time as a GameStop manager.

Epic Fortnite moment

Simply showing up and not infecting me with anthrax isn’t something to put on the back of the box. It’s not an achievement. That’s the base expectation. Unless I’m explicitly buying anthrax, in which case showing up and not giving me anthrax would definitely be the opposite of an achievement, as it would fail to do the one thing it was meant to do.

There are traces of potential within Brawlout’s hollow shell. With the wonder of the internet, Brawlout has been updated many times already, ironing out bugs and adding more content. They’ve added guest characters, like that one indie character with the sword. And the Nazi lizard. The one alt-right sympathizer JonTron gave birth to. They’re in it too. Maybe one day they’ll add enough guest characters and content for anyone to care about their game.

Even then though, Brawlout is really only a substitute. A slice of American cheese on top of a soy hotdog, microwaved and dipped in corn syrup. A way for the delusional to feel like they’re getting a real, original Super Smash Bros experience on their PC or non-Nintendo console. And compared to even whatever you think the worst Smash Bros game might be, it’s almost humiliating.

Brawlout is the game you’d step on while playing Super Smash Bros. Plagued by a deep inadequacy that permeates every fiber of its existence. Some people are into that though. Whatever floats your sissy femboy penis.

I Banish Your Soul To The Shadow Realm, I’ll Tell You Hwat

Card games have grown incredibly popular on mobile devices as one of the genres that work really well with the limited control options of the touch screen. They don’t require a lot of rigorous button pressing, or directional input of any sort, and can provide in-depth, long-term fun unlike the usual disposable mobile experiences.

Games that can pull it off exceptionally well don’t just pull in a few people to play while on the toilet before moving onto the next game. They can form a solid community. Games like Hearthstone. Or Kung Fu Panda: Battles of Destiny. Great titles.

But a new card game is rocking the charts. Can they keep up?

heh... nothin personnel, kid...

An epic saga, spanning entire universes. And their fate is all in your hands. Animation Throwdown: The Quest For Cards, on both iOS and Android, is the game to end all games. You can play as Hank Hill. That’s really all I need to say.

As the successor of an ancient puzzle, you inherit the destiny of a great pharaoh who must vanquish the evil that has plagued him for centuries and threatens to plunge the world into eternal darkness. Your only weapon? A children’s card game.

A mash-up of different animation properties, Animation Throwdown combines the worlds of King of the Hill, Futurama, Bob’s Burgers, and some other garbage.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

This is a very funny game. Very funny. It almost reminds me of that one time I did that thing. Remember that? Yeah, that was great.

At its core, Animation Throwdown is a game about quick, convenient fun. And microtransactions. Lots of microtransactions. But mostly just matches so fast you could play a bunch with only one trip to the bathroom. Most matches shouldn’t last longer than 2 to 3 minutes. I’ve finished some in seconds. There’s even a convenient little fast-forward button, to make the game go at twice to four times the regular speed.

You’ll start with the themed deck of your choice, though choosing anything but the King of the Hill deck is just foolish. Hank and Bill are probably the most overpowered cards in the game. There’s no stopping the Billdozer.

It's time to duel.

It plays something like Hearthstone, but for retards. You’ll play your cards to defend your hero, but cards all attack automatically. Whatever is directly in front of them gets hit, and if nothing, it’s a direct hit to the player. If your Life Points hit zero, you’re sent to the Shadow Realm.

But you can also fuse your cards on the fly in battle to create stronger cards. That’s where the strategy comes in. The strategy being to fuse the best cards to win.

Fused cards will have greater strength and defense, and special abilities like healing or boosting adjacent cards’ strength. The Billdozer, my strongest card, has the ability to gain 4 attack points with every kill. If I get him into play within the first few turns of a game, he will sweep a player in seconds. He truly is the strongest of the Egyptian God Cards.

You've activated my trap card.

You’ll be able to purchase additional cards to customize your deck with in-game currency you earn from defeating other duelists, but the going is incredibly sluggish unless you bite the bullet and watch ads to increase the payout. Or pay for the premium currency.

Some premium content can be acquired in-game from daily quests and such, but some of it demands real money be paid for it. Not even the premium currency, but actual cash for some stuff.

In other words, there are three separate types of currency in this game. Simply investing in a big thing of premium currency isn’t even enough for this game, because premium currency can’t buy everything. They’re still gonna nickel and dime you after you’ve thrown down whatever money you’re willing to spend.

Watch out, limit 4 per person.

But you know, I’m glad they totally didn’t make this a pay-to-win game, you know? I mean look at that. Limit 4. They’re thinking about the players here.

And each pack that you buy? Each pack comes with one card. Just one card per card pack. Which, to me, seems very not eco-friendly. Think of all the wasted plastic, individually packing each card. That’s ridiculous. But it’s for a good cause. If they stuffed too many cards in those rare packs, everyone would just buy a bunch and that’d make it unfair, right? Limit 4 per person.

You can’t just go throwing money around to win, there are limits. Isn’t that generous of them? That’s how you know this is a real competitive card game. There’s balance. There’s order.

You're only allowed to spend $100 on this stuff, kid.

Look, kid, we’re giving you a good price. $50 for two cards and some premium currency. Sorry, limit 2 bud. Can’t have you spending more than $100 on these babies, they’re in high demand. Hot sellers. We’re running out. After you buy two of these hot items, you’ll have to pay the regular price. $100 for one special limited edition holographic Peter Griffin card. It’s the strongest in the game, trust me. Everyone loves Family Guy, right?

If you can put up with the obnoxious ads, ads you’ll need to watch three times in a row to maximize the loot drops, it’s an okay game.

It’s got all your favorite characters, right? Family Guy, your favorite. Everyone loves Family Guy. The greatest show ever. Remember that one time they told the funny joke? Oh wait. I don’t have a clip for that. I don’t think it ever happened.

The “jokes” in the card game really don’t go much deeper than that either. There’s very limited dialogue between characters, and when it’s there it’s never more than just regurgitating quotes from the respective TV shows. Don’t expect anything original and funny here. It’s literally just “Bazinga: The Card Game”. Remember that one character’s famous catchphrase? It’s in here. Wubba lubba dub dub, boom shakalaka, rama lama ding dong, eureka. Look how zany these cartoon characters are. Groovy, dude. Far out. Hitler did nothing wrong. Don’t have a cow, friend.

Remember this episode? Yeah. That was a great one. So funny. Ha. Ha ha.

I can’t for the life of me figure out why they stopped at the shows they did. I get that it had to be Fox shows, so Rick and Morty or South Park couldn’t really be roped in. Even though I would’ve played the shit out of a Rick and Morty starter deck. But why no Simpsons?

Is it because The Simpsons isn’t funny anymore, and they were limiting it to funny shows only? That seems like a plausible explanation, except somehow Family Guy and American Dad both made it in and neither of them have ever been funny. Maybe they’re planning to add them as a massive DLC expansion that’ll end up costing you even more money. Who knows.

I don’t see myself keeping this game installed very much longer, and I don’t see myself ever feeling the urge to download it again. I don’t really care what properties they add. Rick and Morty, South Park, Dragon Tales, Jackie Chan Adventures, anything really. No matter how passionately I feel about the shows they add, the game itself just fails to live up to what it could’ve been if they’d toned down the microtransactions and maybe had some writers to add some fresh humor in the spirit of the shows they’re shamelessly flaunting for a quick buck.

And also if they just took out Family Guy and American Dad. Really, if they took those two shows out, I probably would have enjoyed the game a lot more. Seriously, it’s really annoying to need to go into my inventory every time I get a Family Guy card to get rid of it. I don’t want those cards anywhere near my deck, or my inventory. I don’t want them on my phone in general.

If there’s anything to justify white guilt, it’s creating and promoting Family Guy. The creation of Family Guy, laughing at Family Guy jokes, making Family Guy into a thing; only white people do this shit and y’all are the cancer of the Earth. I hope you all feel ashamed for this.

Good Night Alt-Right

Listen here, shitlords. I’m real tired of all these Nazis everywhere. Everyone’s a Nazi these days. JonTron is a Nazi. PewDiePie is a Nazi. I think it’s time we ended Nazis once and for all.

With some motherfucking Metal Slug. Metal Slug is like, the peak of Nazi-punching. Except you’re punching them with bullets. And there’s also aliens. Just like, uhhhh, Trump? Because he’s, uhhhhhhhh, orange???????

Nazi alien confirmed.

Literally Trump

That’s actually Trump right there. The enemy is named Trump in the game. Notice how they’re all orange? They’re Trumps.

Metal Slug 3 is a fantastic run and gun arcade classic. It’s been on a dozen platforms, from the Neo Geo to both Sony and Microsoft, and just recently released on the Nintendo Switch as part of the “Arcade Archives” ACA Neo Geo Series. Which is like, the English and Japanese versions of the same game, but also with some online leaderboard shit in there and some nice other touches that don’t actually alter the game at all.

If you’ve never played a Metal Slug, you really need to play one. They’re great. And if you have played one, you’re pretty much done here. You’ve seen it all. They’re all pretty much the same game. It’s kinda like Megaman. You do the exact same thing every time, but for some reason it’s not a cash-in and people masturbate to it and say we need more of it.

NAZIS

3 is consistently the most popular of all the Metal Slug games, since it actually was a little better than the others. It was the first to introduce branching level paths, and gave a little more replay value to the otherwise linear level design. Plus you get to ride an elephant with machine guns.

With the Nazis and the Alt-Right up to no good, you must set out on a quest to defeat Hitler, Trump, aliens, zombies, and the smug Nazi frog maymay. It’ll be intense, and you’ll need to punch every single one of them. It’s the only way to bring about true equality and democratic socialism. It’s what Bernie Sandles would have wanted. You know Metal Slug is his favorite game? Right next to HuniePop, he loves HuniePop.

Metal Slug is designed with simplicity in mind. You run. You shoot. There are power-ups. Tanks you can ride. Massive bosses, quality animation and art. And you die. A whole fucking lot. It’s literally impossible not to die. Your character can only take one hit. If you can make it through the game without dying once you got problems, dude. They used to have a Metal Slug machine at Chuck E. Cheese when I was younger, bitch took all my tokens.

AN ELEPHANT

Most modern releases of the game include an “Insert Credit” button, so you don’t have to worry about the shitty arcade difficulty anymore. You can just spam infinite virtual tokens and just keep playing.

It’s a pretty short game. Back in the arcade days, the game’s length was stretched out by the fact that you needed tokens and if you didn’t have a million tokens to waste you had to give up and start over again. But with infinite lives you can breeze though the game in a good hour or so. It’ll be a bitch, and you’ll go through a ton of virtual tokens. But it’s really fun, and better with a friend.

The Switch version particularly shines here, with its dual Joy-Con support. You have a whole portable Metal Slug machine with two controllers right in the palm of your hand. That’s a pretty nice feature, not gonna lie.

The only flaw I can think of is that, like most Metal Slug games, it ends up forcing you into joining the Nazis to fight an even bigger evil? And like, as a vegan, I could never do such a thing. I’m with her, and I’ll be with her until the very end. You know?

Resist

I will resist. This is blatant Nazi propaganda at its finest. Sure, first you make me join the Nazis, just to save the Earth from destruction. But like, next you’ll be telling me I need to curb stomp a people of color. And I could never. A white person, maybe. But never a people of color.

Metal Slug is genuinely one of the best arcade experiences out there though. That feeling of being at Chuck E. Cheese, colors flashing, frantically mashing buttons and being high on pizza and cake, with a couple hundred tokens to blow because dad had a few too many free refills and got a little crazy at the salad bar, and mom thought she handed you a 5 but she gave you a 50. Classic childhood memories, immortalized in a game. It doesn’t get any better than that.

3 is as good of a place to start as any, and provides arguably the best Metal Slug experience, especially with its great diversity of enemies and level quirks. If you can look past the gross alt-right imagery, Metal Slug 3 is a masterpiece of the arcade era.

I’m so glad they ported it though. It’s so hard to overthrow capitalism when you have to buy so many tokens. Now that everyone gets as many free tokens as they want, this is really a game I can get behind.

If Cats Could Fuck Rats, Would The Cat-Rat Offspring Be Eaten By Other Cats, Or Become The New Apex Predator?

Puzzle games are pretty fun. They’re a bit of a niche thing though, nowadays. Usually something you gotta download, or play on your phone, they rarely make physical copies of puzzle games for the major platforms anymore.

No one really gives a fuck about puzzles anymore. Me, I like puzzle games. They can be pretty alright. It’s nice sometimes, a break from the over-the-top presentation of most AAA games on the market. It’s not about being able to spot individual hairs on a dude’s arms before you blow his face off or anything like that, it’s about blocks and shit. You know, the classics.

But this game got something else entirely going on.

L o r e

Fuck, dude, we got some lore going on over here. This is some deep shit. Ancient power crystals and shit, dude. This is heavy.

Fucking Mousecraft over here with the fucking epic saga going on, like it ain’t just some basic-ass Lemmings shit.

I need to know more. I need to know what happens with these power crystal. Where did they come from, who made them? If the main character is an anthropomorphic cat, would fucking the mice be bestiality or cross-breeding between different furry species? Are there non-anthro cats in this world, to go with the non-anthro mice? If all cats are anthropomorphic, are there rampant rat problems due to the mass-domestication of cat people? Do they still eat rats? If they did, would rats be on the brink of extinction due to the growing overpopulation problems plaguing the world? There’s a lot I need to know about this game.

It's mice and shit

Mousecraft, a puzzler available on PC and current Sony platforms, is “a mix of Lemmings and Tetris” as described by the developer. You lead the mice to the cheese, and you put blocks in places. Very spot-on analogy. Mice like cheese. And cats like mice. So you put blocks to help mice reach the cheese and that’s an invention, I guess. The lore is still a little confusing.

Your goal is to invent mice things, I guess? The inventions don’t really make sense. If the mice are for eating, and the goal of the cats is to create more mice, than this is a poor invention. Mice are very easily killed in these experiments. There’s even enemies in the game, which only lead to more questions.

Going back to the cats fucking mice thing, I can’t help but feel that this may be some kind of sexual experiment.

Why did he make his own?

This makes absolutely no sense. The evil robotic mice, which are the main protagonist’s creation, were invented when he attempted to create robotic mice. If we’re to believe that the chief purpose of mice in this universe is to be consumed, this makes no sense at all. It’d be like if someone invented a metal cheeseburger to replace real cheeseburgers.

What do we create artificial of? Humans. Robotic people, either for hard labor or pleasure. And in this case, what can a rat do that a cat person can’t in terms of labor? Is there more to this we don’t know? Or is there a large opening on the backside of that rat to stick a barbed cat penis into?

This theory is only perpetuated by the absurd presence of these mechanical mice all around the premises. If it was a failed experiment, why are they still all over the place? Why are they attacking the real rats? They’re easily killed by dropping a block on them, if they were undesired they could’ve been simply wiped out already. Clearly this is some sort of bizarre sexual experiment, the possibility of mice death something that this perverse cat is looking forward to. The main character even looks like he lures kids into his lab to rip their genitals off with his teeth.

Degenerate cat scientist

Mousecraft provides a bounty of satisfying puzzle fun, though the game is fairly on the easy side. The ability to pause time and freely move blocks around gives you quite the advantage, even when things start heating up later in the game.

The cat’s time-stopping powers are another concern though, as it’s never fully explained in the game. Is this power standard to all cat people, or just him? How did he acquire this strange power? Was he struck with an ancient bow and arrow, which imbued him with a great power beyond the likes of anything mankind has ever seen before? Canonically, he can freeze time limitlessly. Is this power not enough to achieve whatever goal he wants without building a machine?

Does sunlight kill him? Or fire? Does he regenerate if injured? What other powers does he have? What weaknesses does a power like that even have? This character is, in essence, a god. If he can truly manipulate time to his will, what purpose does the rest of this game even serve?

MUDA MUDA MUDA

At the very least the game does a great job of keeping itself fresh, even with its simple premise, basic controls, and relatively easy puzzles. It’s satisfying, fun, and has particularly good replay value in its tasking you with getting 100% in each puzzle. It’s not like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube that’s actually made up of Rubik’s cubes, and you have Rubik’s cubes for hands that also move every time you make a move. It’s not gonna blow your mind or anything.

New gameplay elements are introduced every few stages, new obstacles and new block types keeping the action interesting all the way until the end.

The inclusion of a level editor also adds another layer of fun, being able to make your very own levels with all of the different pieces is a joy in itself. If you’re passionate enough about the lore of Planet Cohesia, you could spend forever there if you really wanted.

Which begs the question, is it an Earth-like planet? Is it in the same galaxy? How can it have Earth life already on it, in the form of cats and mice? Do all planets have cats and mice?

Send power crystals

What if it actually is Earth? A post-apocalypse Earth, where cats are now the dominant species? What if mice are simply second-class citizens, forced to undergo bizarre sexual torture purely for the cats’ enjoyment?

I’m expecting a few novels at least, hopefully a movie too. There’s so much more I need to know.

Do the cats have humanoid penises or animal penises? That’s probably my biggest one. That could be a deal-breaker for me.

Next time give us a full-fledged action RPG, Kingdom Hearts-style. These simple puzzles don’t do the deep, intricate lore of Mousecraft any justice.

It’s Called Consensual Nonconsent And It’s Actually One Of The Most Common Kinks For Your Information

Every game these days wants to be the “Dark Souls” of something. The “Dark Souls” of platformers, the “Dark Souls” of shooters, the “Dark Souls” of farming simulators, the “Dark Souls” of Cooking Mama games. The generation and genre-defining title rekindled an odd feeling in many gamers. A tingly feeling, deep down. Punishing difficulty, trial and error design, and a touch of absolute bullshit triggered the sexual awakening of the community at large.

Gamers love being humiliated and degraded. They love games where they die all the time, but only if there’s that sweet, sweet aftercare. A little achievement, a little level-up fanfare. Some kind of stupid, enigmatic lore that has something to do with skeletons they can circlejerk around on Reddit.

This pretentious form of cock and ball torture was unparalleled in gaming, until it clashed with the skillful autofellatio of indie games, and the inbred indie roguelike clawed its way from the stinking maw of the indie anal-womb. And so Rogue Legacy was born.

Time to die

Rogue Legacy, the game where you have to die. Mandatory death for game progression. Prepare to die epic style, gamers. It’s just like Dark Souls, the game for Real Gamers. Except the game is randomly generated with no meaningful level design and the RPG mechanics ensure not only that the game is clunky as an RPG, but clunky as an infinitely replayable roguelike. You’ll pick your randomly generated character from randomly assorted classes with randomly chosen perks, and stomp into that dungeon to slay some random enemies. It’s exciting, because you never know what’s gonna happen in between the parts where you are required to die.

Isn’t that totally fun and quirky indie game design? A game where you don’t level up until you die, meaning you have to make hundreds of meaningless ventures into a randomly generated dungeon to hit things until you slam into a brick wall that you can totally dig through if you hit it with your spoon long enough? Real gamers can use their pure skill to whittle away at even the final boss at only level one, and can totally beat the game without even dying one time. Real gamers have infinite time to sink into this delightfully retro and nostalgic metroidvania dungeon crawler, because Mom always brings them their tendies at dinner time and their disability check comes to them conveniently in the mail.

Rogue Legacy is a great game, combining a colorful pixel style reminiscent of the golden years of the SNES with brutal, roguelike gameplay. You’ll grind for gold as you challenge the endlessly shifting dungeon time and time again, investing into weapons, enchantments, buffs, and more with each death until you’ve leveled up strong enough to tackle the bosses and beat the game once and for all. It’s charming, challenging, and everything you’d want out of an indie game.

Haha, gay

As a platformer, the controls are decent. Not enough weight behind the character for my tastes, it feels like I’m playing a flash game honestly. But they’re consistent at least. As an RPG, it’s not bad. Forcing you to die before each level up means it gets tedious and grindy, but still satisfying if you enjoy meaningless grind. As a roguelike, the RPG elements mean there’s less of an emphasis on skill and more of an emphasis on grinding, so there’s not quite the same arcade feel to the gameplay.

But despite how mediocre it may be based on defining genre traits, it’s still a fantastic game, because gamers don’t care how good it is based on those silly things. They just love the small trickle of dopamine they get from making the numbers go bigger and bigger. Bigger number good, smaller number bad. And then they fought a skeleton and they died and it was so cool. The game is so hard, they already died like fifty times. It’s not like those easy baby Mario games where you’re always alive. In this game you die. You have to, or else you can’t win.

And it’s just so unbelievably quirky. One of your randomly generated characters could have randomly generated traits, like farting too much, or being gay, or just having the whole game play in black and white. It’s such an indie game. So whimsical and fun, like a trip through Willy Wonka’s rape dungeon. Mainstream games like EA Bad Game don’t do that.

Woosh!

Don’t adjust your screen, gamers. Yeah, that’s right. The screen is supposed to be upside down. Sometimes your character is just born retarded, and the game is upside fucking down. But it’s okay, you’ll die soon enough. Because the game is so hard and brutal, like Dark Souls. It’s the Dark Souls of Dark Souls, man.

Why do we crave the crippling frustration of inadequacy? Why do we seek the most impossible of challenges to validate us and feed our self-worth? Could it be that we as a society are so starved of strife and turmoil that we have to search for meaningless imaginary hurdles to leap over to give our privileged bourgeois existence illusory value? Our unmatched mental processing power, the apex of this planet’s evolution, reduced to artificially guiding pretty dots through an elaborate maze to keep our atrophying minds busy?

Is the steady stream of basic, primordial pleasure received from RPG mechanics really that intoxicating that the terrifying might of Earth’s strongest living organism is nothing in the face of its gradually increasing numbers in relation to work put in, providing the illusion of progress and achievement? Are we really that retarded that we can’t even demand a piece of cheese or something every time we beat up a skeleton in our little high-definition calculator game?

Thanks for the gold kind strangers

Does this indirectly reveal the fool’s paradise of our proudly individualist, capitalist, all-consuming culture we call Western Civilization? The insatiable beast of greed and lust operating under the seductively self-righteous guise of multiculturalism, welcoming all under its banner to feed the numbers of the masters. Yes, of course your kind are welcome and can earn bigger numbers as long as you work hard. Then you can give your numbers to the masters in exchange for necessities to survival like food, water, a place to live, healthcare, and expensive leather boots and spiked chokers so everyone knows you hate the machine you work tirelessly in.

No matter your culture or beliefs, you are welcome here as long as you strip away those nasty rough edges of your ideology. You need to be a piece of our machine, you need to fit in with all the other pieces to make the machine run smoother, generate higher numbers, and get along with all the other little cogs. The pieces might not fit easily, but it’s all about the work you put in to make those pieces fit, whittling away at the puzzle pieces that have no place until the homogenized shapes of each perfectly unique and special individual fit nicely into the complexity of Western Civilization’s bloated anatomy.

Our culture is work, our culture is numbers. But it doesn’t have to be. It can be a culture of equality, freedom, and diversity, as long as you forfeit the traditions and customs of your undesirable ways. Nobody actually wants the biggest number, they all just want the same, static number. Isn’t that empowering, knowing the masters allowed us all to have the same numbers as them? Or would it be more empowering to give those with nothing the strength to take everything just as it was done to them? Wouldn’t that be fair, equal, and entirely too dangerous?

Thank you for your patronage

We were promised a game we could win, but the game was already won. Is it truly fair to quit the game? Just like that? No more numbers, no more winners and losers? Is that truly what the losers want? Do the losers really want their daily bread and water, their humble abode, and their comfortable life where everyone can have exactly what the others do? Or do the losers want a chance to be the winner? Isn’t it intoxicating to be the winner? It’s what we grind for, what we work for. The game is hard, the game is brutal. You might not be able to win playing by the rules. But what are rules to a winner? As long as you come out on top, isn’t that what makes it all worth it? A winner can have any prize they choose. Is a broken game truly only remedied by the absence of one?

In the case of Rogue Legacy, probably. But people still enjoy it. The meaningless grind, for the sake of grinding. Working towards an artificially inflated goal for the sole purpose of working towards that goal. People enjoy that grind, they enjoy that work. They’re probably retards, or some kind of paraphiliac. But in our world of acceptance, they too are valid. Their numbers have worth.

Even those that choose not to have numbers have numbers. Even in the absence of a game, there are always numbers. Even if you choose not to see them. There’s no escaping the numbers, no matter what world you choose to live in.

Should Retards Be Able To Legally Purchase Firearms?

With the advent of the “indie roguelike”, indie gaming has slowly reached the very peak of elitist hipster culture. What was once a movement destined to uproot the evils of the AAA gaming industry had become a dick measuring contest of what game can be the hardest, most unforgiving measure of how masochistic a gamer is, while being both charming and colorful yet not too unfamiliar because it needs to be retro and nostalgic.

Games like The Binding of Isaac sent ripples through the industry, and suddenly every group of hipsters in their garage wanted to make Really Really Hard Game: Super Turbo Arcade Edition. Super Turbo Arcade Edition is important to the title, to show that the developers are in fact Gamers and self-aware about Gamer Culture. Some games did it right, some did it wrong.

And then games like Enter the Gungeon came along with such reckless and offensive themes that it really should just be made illegal already.

Pow pow

Enter the Gungeon is a delightful indie roguelike bullet-hell, packed to the brim with wit and charm. The characters and world are colorful and entertaining, the gameplay is tense and fast-paced, and it’s a cruel test of just how twitchy one’s fingers can be. There are multiple characters to play, tons of different guns to try out, and the old-school emphasis on trial and error provides a healthy level of challenge that rewards the Real Gamers. Real Gamers being masochistic sluts that get off to cat girls with penises pissing on them.

It’s not quite as fleshed out as other roguelike shooters like Binding of Isaac, and at times it feels like there’s more guns in the game than there are things to do with those guns. For a game all about being replayable, there really isn’t enough variety at early levels, which is where players will be spending the most time. A greater quantity and variety of bosses on every floor would keep the action considerably more fresh and engaging, as would a larger number of unique enemies. Most enemies fall into the umbrella category of generic mooks, just with a larger quantity of bullets being fired at any one time.

But the game does have its wild and wacky charming indie game moments. You can get a gun that shoots eggs, and a gun that shoots mail. You can get a gun that references other indie games, because the developers are Gamers that know about Gamer Culture. There’s even some totally zany weapons, like a bullet that shoots guns. It’s utter madness. And really, being charming and wacky is what indie games are all about. No one actually cares how fun they are, because no one actually plays them except people on Youtube that scream really loud.

Ironic

The most concerning thing about Enter the Gungeon, however, is just how careless they are on the topic of guns. All of the playable characters can just waltz into this dungeon and find guns lying around, and they can all just buy guns from the in-game shop without any kind of background check. One of them is an actual convict, and the arms dealer just hands out these guns like candy. They should have their license revoked. If they even have one. Do they not realize just how easily this game could brainwash our impressionable youth? What if I just went and shot up a dungeon after playing this? There are repercussions to your actions, game developers.

You may think you’re smart and self-righteous with your little ideas of how gun control should work. “Guns are okay, we just need to keep them out of the hands of the mentally ill”. But what kind of precedent is that for one of the rights in the American Constitution? Why can’t the mentally ill have guns? They’re human too, aren’t they? Don’t think your oligarchical propaganda slips past me. Retards are people, and you are discriminating against them with your ableist policies. Humans with a lower IQ can’t help how they were born, and it would be akin to banning the sale of guns to the disabled, or to people of a certain ethnic background. Would it be ethical to ban other rights, like the freedom of speech, from people that are mentally ill as well? It’s not like retards are women or something, they deserve rights.

The issue becomes even deeper when you consider the ambiguity of the term “mental illness”. Do people on the autistic spectrum count? Do people with ADHD count? How about people with gender dysphoria? That’d be a headline now wouldn’t it, orange man takes away guns from trans people. What about sexual paraphilic disorders? Yeah, that’s right. Dressing like a ten year old and calling your boyfriend “daddy” is, surprisingly, classified as a mental condition. Your piss fetish? Yeah, somehow by some strange science, you are mentally ill. Wild how that works. Jerking off to Paw Patrol hentai? Yeah, there’s something unnatural going on there. In your brain. Do we ban guns from anyone that’s ever gotten horny? Should horny people have rights? Do horny people get the wall?

If you have ever been horny you do not deserve rights

China has branded Islam as a “mental illness” and has formed concentration camps to “cure them”. Do Muslims not get guns then? Either it’s a human right to own a gun, or it’s not. It can’t be “it’s your right to own a gun unless you are retarded”. Unless we’re circumventing the “human rights” argument by calling retards inhuman. But then what makes a human? Is their mental functioning what makes them inhuman? What then of dolphins, which rival human intelligence with their own? Are they human? Can a dolphin buy a gun? If a dolphin shoots up a school, can we legally arrest the dolphin? It’s not like they’re black, we don’t need to shoot them seventeen times.

Dolphins are almost human, except for a few things. They’re cruel monsters, commit murder for fun, have sex for pleasure and take no shame in how much they rape and kill. The only difference is they live in the water. Does a dolphin have more rights than a retard then? If a dolphin rapes a retard, who do they arrest? Do they shoot the dolphin? If the dolphin shoots back, is that a declaration of war from a foreign body? How many dolphins need to own guns before we consider them a threat to our way of life? What if the retard consents though? Can a retard consent? Can a dolphin consent? Should bestiality between humans and dolphins be legal, since they both fuck for pleasure?

These are exactly the kind of dangerous questions Enter the Gungeon poses, and exactly why we need to ban guns and indie games. Guns shouldn’t be a part of elitist culture, where only the smartest and most self-righteous gamers can be allowed to purchase them. If guns are a right they should be widely accessible. But that’s dangerous, so it’s easier and better for us as a society to get rid of them. And indie games, we should really just ban them already. If I have to play another game with such whimsical charm again I will buy a gun. Then you’ll all be sorry.

Don't come to video game industry tomorrow

Humanity is at a crossroads. One leads to a utopian future. The other leads to dolphins illegally entering our country, taking our guns, fucking our women, and leading us into a hedonistic spiral that ends with the death of all life on Earth. And a giant boulder called the Democrats is slowly rolling towards us from behind, and the floor is quicksand called “Republicans”. And there is a bird labeled Bernie Sanders watching us, rubbing his little hands together. And that utopian future has a dolphin with Hillary Clinton’s face on it, holding a gun, creeping over from the other path. And there’s something about Communism, somewhere. I don’t know. The signal is getting weak. The vision is leaving me. I don’t know what it means. It doesn’t need to mean anything. But we can draw it, and label everything. Yeah, that’d be rad.

That’s essentially what indie roguelikes are. It doesn’t need to be cohesive or mean anything, it’s randomly generated for maximum entertainment. Creative design and thoughtful curation don’t really matter when your actions are meaningless. Everything has a smiley face. That’s just the kind of world I’m trying to live in, man. I don’t need to worry about finishing my college degree or living up to my parents’ expectations. And the thought is comforting.

If you get shot in the head or run out of money, don’t worry about it. We’ll get ’em next time. RNG will never be on your side, but maybe by the 30th try you’ll just get lucky and decide to turn the game off.

More Like Pokémon Let’s Go Drink All The Dish Soap Under The Sink And Jerk Off In The Hamster’s Water Tube While He Drinks From Its Little Nipple Like The Slut He Is

Pokémon is a titan of the video game industry. A looming obelisk of a franchise, and definitely one of Nintendo’s biggest properties. It just prints money for them, and the sheer number of spin-offs and merchandise is enough to make it appeal to just about any audience. And yet it all stems from the mainline games, which hold them together.

Starting with Red and Blue, Pokémon has slowly built on its premise, adding new creatures and features to its ever growing universe. New ways to battle, new ways to play, new ways to interact with your virtual pets and the world they live in. But many argue now whether Pokémon is past its prime, or if all the extra content only adds to the experience. No one can quite agree. There’s the purists that only love the first generation, there’s those that love every single title, and there’s hardcore fans of every installment in between that hold those respective titles to be the pinnacle of the series. The smartest and most cultured ones of course holding the fifth generation to be where Pokémon peaked.

But it’s undeniable that Pokémon has swelled to an unmanageable degree. The seventh generation Sun and Moon games, while a high point in terms of Pokémon and character design, was absolutely abysmal in terms of gameplay. It wasn’t catered towards core fans, or new fans, or even kids. It was pretty much for mothers to buy for their children that should’ve been aborted to grant them the mercy of never being born into the twisted, painful flesh prisons they’ve been cursed with. Pokémon Sun and Moon are the perfect post-hospital visit gift for when your writhing mass of child needs something new to drool on. They might need a ramp or something to play it, unless their caretaker presses the buttons for them. But it’s all good.

The clunky, awkward bloat and regressing gameplay has festered over the course of the different generations, gradually making Pokémon both overly complicated and offensively dumbed down. But in a refreshing break from the mainline series, Nintendo decided to do something different, and make a full-scale Pokémon mobile game.

I'm with her

Pokémon Let’s Go Pikachu and Pokémon Let’s Go Eevee combine all the simple, easy to pick up, retard-proof gameplay of Pokémon Go with the no microtransactions and not getting hit by cars while playing in the street of Pokémon Red and Blue. The pseudo-remaster plays just like Red and Blue, with a few tweaks here and there to make things easier for the new generation of gamers that can’t focus on a single task for more than two minutes before they have to swipe out of whatever app they’re using to open up Youtube and watch Mickey Mouse drink some hot piss.

A lot of the core features are the same, you’ll travel far and wide adding anthropomorphic animals to your harem and impregnating their foot-pussies with your virile human seed for some hot toe-birthing like every other Pokémon game. Trainers will be lining up to battle you in turn-based combat, and the other familiar RPG elements are all there. But the catching mechanics have been largely overhauled, as have the methods in which a competitive team are assembled. You’ll capture your Pokémon with a familiar catching mini-game, and be rewarded with “Candy” for chaining captures and transferring them to Professor Oak so he can vore them all and shit out the nutrient-dense candy items that’ll permanently boost the stats of your monsters.

And I can honestly say, this is not at all a bad thing. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing, but it’s definitely not bad. Catching Pokémon feels fun. That’s the biggest takeaway I had. Maybe a bit frustrating, and unnecessarily difficult at times. But it’s mildly addicting, and really channels the “Catch ‘Em All” mantra the games are famous for. In past titles, players only needed to catch one of each Pokémon to complete their Pokédex and flesh out their team. There really wasn’t much of a reason to capture duplicates unless they were shiny, and after a certain point in the game carrying a surplus of every kind of Pokéball just isn’t as necessary anymore.

Can we hit woman

Let’s Go, on the other hand, treats capturing as an integral part of raising a team. Chaining catches is the ideal way to grind for experience, and the candies one gets from voring them have completely replaced the “Effort Value” system from before. Battling Pokémon is still the ultimate contest of how well you’re raising and training them, but it’s no longer the main focus of the game’s mechanics. Grinding for candy, while still very much a grind, is considerably easier than EV grinding.

The capturing mini-game plays like Pokémon Go’s, minus the touch controls, and gives a nice break from the more traditional RPG elements. It compliments the trainer battles pretty nicely, and Pokéballs have become much more bountiful to make up for their increased demand. Prices have been slashed in Pokémarts, and trainers will drop Pokéballs whenever they’re defeated. And yet, the over-reliance on RNG also makes capturing them agonizing at times.

The capturing mini-game is timed, first of all. If you take too long or keep failing to capture it, the Pokémon will bolt. You can use Berry items to roofie the wild Pokémon, the chemicals inside each berry providing different effects like making them move around less, their toes hot and sweaty, or their piss especially fragrant. But nothing quite to the degree of past games on a brute force scale, where one could beat up a Pokémon in the wild until they were paralyzed and desperately clinging to life, trapped in a battle by various Pokémon moves or abilities, and more or less forced into sexual servitude through a battle of attrition with the game’s RNG. Berries don’t provide permanent effects, and the danger of Pokémon fleeing makes catching a bit more tense. Especially when shiny Pokémon are involved.

We live in a society

Aside from that, it’s literally a game you’ve bought at least three or four times. It’s supposed to be more of a “faithful remaster” than FireRed was, by cutting all of the extra bloat and keeping it simple. But there’s also Mega Evolutions and Alolan forms. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. There aren’t any intrusive cutscenes to make sure the game finishes itself even if you’re retarded. which is definitely a plus, and for the most part the game just lets you play. Definitely easier, healing items are more or less just dumped in your lap, and your default partner Pokémon can learn moves of enough different types to essentially carry one’s team through the entire game.

Between all the little tweaks and changes, Let’s Go is a worse RPG overall for it. But a better Pokémon game, if that makes sense. If some of these changes are incorporated into the “main” games, I think the series as a whole would benefit from it. But it’s definitely a very fine line to walk, and they’ll never manage to satisfy everyone equally.

If Nintendo decides to keep the “Let’s Go” brand as its own separate thing, and makes it the sort of entry level series while the “mainline” games continue to develop as more advanced RPG titles, they might be able to give each of them enough of their own unique identity to give them both a role in the Pokémon franchise.

Yiff yiff

Nintendo’s Pokémon problem extends much further than that though. The sheer size of the game has definitely gotten out of control, and how they continue to build on such a shaky foundation will catch up to them eventually. The shift to all 3D models, it’s hard to say whether that was a smart move or not. They’ve been recycling the same models for what’s got to be decades now, so upscaling and optimizing them for each new title might just be easier than creating new sprites every time. But it still must be a project, to go through all of them.

There’s well over a thousand unique models now, there has to be. Especially when you consider all of the little “gender tweaks” they introduced in the fourth gen, with certain species having slightly longer whiskers or patterning that’s just vaguely different depending on whether they have a penis or not. Which, speaking of, none of the models even have. How am I supposed to enjoy 3D Pokémon porn if these half-rate animators just pop a generic human penis onto a 3D model of a Charizard? We need unique penises for every single Pokémon. Charizard’s penis would not look anything like Dragonite’s penis, even though they are both dragons. Considering the climates they both live in, Dragonite’s cock seems more likely to be prehensile and have a tapered shaft. Charizard’s would definitely be much more girthy and capable of dishing out a real pounding. But will Nintendo ever give us 1000+ unique cock designs? No, they are much too cowardly.

Eventually, something has got to give. Nintendo can’t just keep expanding the world they way they do with each generation forever. e621 will run out of tags eventually.

Let’s Take A Moment To Talk About Jesus

Today is Easter, and I found it only fitting that we took a break from the video game journalism to reflect on Easter things. Like Jesus.

Jesus was a pretty cool guy. You know that? He was all about peace and love, man. He was all about understanding. But you know, I have a few issues with Jesus. I think He’s a little overrated. Which isn’t to say He isn’t cool. He was great, especially for His time. But I think more than a few improvements could definitely be made for Jesus 2: The Second Coming.

My main qualm with Jesus is that, for starters, I think he needs to upgrade to some more modern platforms. I can’t worship Jesus on my Xbox. What’s up with that? All sorts of retro stuff is on modern platforms. Would an HD release hurt so bad? Maybe a Bible reading app for the Nintendo Switch? I’m sure the tablet would work wonders as a virtual Bible.

Get with the times, man

Jesus is definitely a stronger protagonist than God from the first installment, he seems infinitely more enjoyable to immerse yourself in. But like, His moveset is a little weak. Turning people to pillars of salt and shit was badass, dude. If you were to tell me that Jesus was the main character of the sequel, it’s almost ridiculous to think they’re in the same series. It’s like going from Megaman X to Megaman. Which is a downgrade, you know. I think the third should definitely go back to the darker, grittier protagonist.

And you know, it wouldn’t be impossible to do, but I doubt they will. They keep hinting at Him coming back throughout His entire story, it’s like they’re practically forcing a sequel down our throat that we never even asked for. It’s like Teen Titans Go. No one wants it to come back, but somehow it just keeps happening. I blame the Catholics.

I think it may have something to do with the fractured fanbase. Kinda like Sonic the Hedgehog, you know? People just can’t agree on what direction to take it. Some people want that peaceful, happy Jesus stuff. But other people want that edgy stuff.

praise jesus

Now I also think this could be a prime time to really define Jesus’ character. Much like Sonic Adventure 2 leading into Shadow the Hedgehog. If we could get a standalone installment, only Jesus without any of those annoying followers and none of that healing bullshit, I think we could have a pretty great modern Jesus sequel.

Imagine, Jesus with no limits to His powers. No annoying story scenes or anything where it makes you lose a fight you could easily win but it doesn’t allow you to. Battles that you’re forced to lose are such an outdated concept. I want to see Jesus fuck up some Roman soldiers. Being forced to lose the final boss fight just for story purposes is unsatisfying, to say the least.

And the brutal difficulty is kind of a bitch. I mean, does literally everything have to trigger you to go down the evil path? What kind of broken karma system is that? I can’t even masturbate every once in a while without earning bad karma? It’s not even a real girl, it’s just a cartoon drawing. That can’t still count, can it?

kawaii

Still, Jesus really delivers a powerful narrative, and deserves all of the accolades He has been bestowed. He truly is a timeless classic, and even if no sequel is ever developed, I’m sure people will all be digging up their Bibles to enjoy some Jesus for years and years to come. I can only imagine the clamor they would cause if they ever came out with a miniature Jesus Classic. That would be an instant hit over the holidays. Great stocking stuffer, you know? All of those classic Jesus adventures, all in the palm of your hand.

Come on, Nintendo. You’re sitting on a ton of money here. Re-release Jesus already. It’s all you ever do anyway, isn’t it? Re-release old shit? Come on. Bring back Jesus, Miyamoto. Or at least put him in the next Smash. If you can put Duck Hunt Dog as a character, at least go with some real retro shit and put Jesus in.

Can Someone Please Play This Game For Me And Unlock All The Anime Girls So I Can Beat Off Already?

I’m having a hard time with this game. It keeps making me do things. First I need to tap through words, then I need to tap through monsters. And then there’s more words, and more monsters. I don’t think Nintendo really understands how this is supposed to work here. They almost had it right with their last anime game but this is just not up to par.

Nintendo has only fairly recently discovered the goldmine that is mobile gaming. And it wasn’t something they immediately nailed on their first try. Miitomo, bless its heart, met its untimely demise earlier this year. Aside from the Niantic-developed runaway success that was Pokemon Go, Nintendo’s greatest success was the anime girl collecting game, Fire Emblem Heroes.

But Nintendo is running out of anime girls from Fire Emblem, so now they need to do something new. Something bold, and different. A fresh IP, with all new anime girls to collect. With an untapped supply of anime girls. Anime girls, and vaguely sexy dragons.

Rise up

Dragalia Lost is their first truly bold mobile game. The largest risk they’ve ever taken. Not counting Miitomo, which really wasn’t a risk. It’s not a risk if you’re actively trying to shotgun your face off. Trying to take a horse penis up the ass is a risk. Miitomo wasn’t the risk, the rope breaking was the risk. The slow, painful couple years it spent as a cripple was what they got for taking that risk. The punishment they reaped for sinning in the eyes of God. But Miitomo itself was never the risk.

A completely new, fresh IP with a brand new cast of characters. No familiar faces to immediately endear it, no established lore or rules to constrain it. Nintendo is now free to come up with whatever they want, embrace the fullest extents of their creativity, and bullshit their way into your wallets with a limitless supply of anime girls to collect.

And what they’ve done with that boundless creativity? Eh. It passes the time.

Kawaii

If you’ve ever watched one of those anime cartoon shows, you’ll know exactly what you’re getting yourself into here. It’s really nothing special. There’s one million characters but only like two of them are important. The other ones are there for you to draw porn of and re-label funny tweets as in-character conversations that only you and three other socially impaired people will find funny because y’all have no real friends to laugh at normal things with.

As a mobile game, the level of polish is impressive. The obsessive attention to detail is definitely the most Nintendo thing about the game. It’s probably the only “Nintendo” thing about the game. Everything else feels so odd and foreign. As if Nintendo realized there was a million dollars to be made with anime tiddies, so they made a secret porn blog to share anime tiddies and were trying really hard to keep it a secret but you still recognized the way they type.

It’s honestly a little surprising, even with the amount of fanservice Nintendo has been pumping out lately. This had to be some sort of executive order, someone big had to sign off on this. Miyamoto himself unplugged all of the Wii Vitality Sensors from each of his fingers and toes, came down from his eighth dimension of local, asynchronous, cardboard-based, quality of life, glasses-free existence to declare “Let there be anime tiddies”. And he saw they were good.

Playing as a guy character makes you gay

The uninspired premise is only topped by the even duller gameplay. It’s an incredibly simple top-down hack and slash game with an even simpler take on level design. Almost all of the levels are assembled of various hallways leading into monster rooms leading into more hallways leading into more monster rooms, with waves of repetitive enemies mostly differentiated by elemental affinities. In short, it’s literally just any other mobile game with anime tiddies in it.

If the gameplay was meant to be rewarding within itself, it wouldn’t give you “Skip Tickets” to effortlessly clear dungeons without actually playing them. It wouldn’t give you an auto feature to allow the game’s transcendentally retarded AI to shriek and drool through levels for you. Dragalia Lost, like so many other mobile games, falls into the pattern of making gameplay the punishment and not playing the game the actual reward. I hit the Auto button, the game plays itself for me. I use my Skip Ticket, I don’t have to watch the game play itself for me, getting me the satisfaction of not playing the game even faster. Wouldn’t it be even faster to just never play the game and just google the porn in the first place?

We could never do that though, we’re not savages. We need to know the characters’ names first before we nut to them. Have some manners, have some class. Read a little bit of lore first. At least two chapters. Let them endear themselves to you first.

We got some scalies out here

The game is polished as fuck though. It’s got some real pretty artwork, the writing is at least charming when it’s not blatant porn dialogue without the porn, and the soundtrack has a ton of bangers. It was composed by DAOKO, whomst is apparently some kind of major weeb singer/rapper. I had to Google who they were. I’d hit it. Hit me up DAOKO. If you slap anywhere near as hard as your music we’ll get along just great.

My biggest takeaway wasn’t that mobile games could actually have some production value, quality, and depth to them. There are better examples of mobile games with depth, or production values. For some fucking reason. Like what the fuck, make a real game you fucking idiot, no one’s gonna appreciate your mobile game on the app store, you’re gonna have twenty Chinese knock-offs before your game is even published.

I'd fuck this dragon

No, my biggest takeaway was that all this great production value was absolutely wasted on a pretty average, disposable mobile game experience. Imagine if they actually made a real game with high quality art and music like this. People would buy it. Lots of them. But no, Nintendo is busy chasing the overstuffed wallets of fucking weebs that have nothing better to spend their money on besides endlessly rolling the dice on possibly getting their perfect anime girl that’s totally older than twelve and definitely younger than the national age of consent but probably just old enough to be legal in whatever your state is so the FBI won’t kick your door down.

I just wanna get to the part where they take their clothes off. It’s just tapping on monsters until they die and making the numbers get bigger and bigger. When I hit the biggest number, will I finally get to see a little tiddy? Just like, one? A cubic centimeter of areola? That’s a reasonable amount right? I ain’t paying shit Nintendo, don’t be stingy. Cut me a deal or I’ll find a mobile game that’ll give me what I want.

The ball is in your court.