The only franchise in history to have a movie adaptation in the works at the height of its popularity, developed after its lost all relevancy, and launched just in time to be a reboot.
Published November 13th 2017
Mobile games are a wild west of redundant, shallow, half-assed shit. Anyone can slap together a free mobile game, throw it on the app store, and watch the ad revenue roll in.
Anyone can do it. Anyone can profit from it. But it takes true genius to create something great on mobile. True genius, and unapologetically large, sagging, unshaven balls. Balls to realize the power you've stumbled upon, and the money you could make by violently raping every orifice of its trembling newborn body.
You like Angry Birds, kids? Everyone loves Angry Birds. The face of mobile gaming. Mobile doesn't need recognizable icons like Super Mario or Master Chief anymore. They've got some Angry fucking Birds.
What else could be as great as a simple physics game with intuitive touch screen controls? What could possibly beat the simple pleasure of swiping, tapping, and reveling in the unbridled whoring out of simple cartoon birds? Their rotund, flightless bodies, lifted by the tiny tuft of feathers atop their head, and defiled with the big, black, throbbing cock of capitalism; surely, there is no greater joy in the entire video game industry.
Angry Birds truly set the bar for what all mobile games should aspire to be. A simple concept, supported regularly with new updates, challenges, levels, and more. Mobile games shouldn't be just what you get. They should be a rapidly evolving service, with constant new content to fill the void of your empty soul. You're not truly entertained without constant fresh distractions to fill up the time you spend on the toilet.
How can an intellectual property monopolize your time and energy properly if it's not constantly growing, changing, finding new ways to nickel and dime you, and infect your children with their cheap merchandise?
Angry Birds is a landmark title for the mobile game market, and though it's already fallen into irrelevance like every other disposable experience the mobile market provides, its place has already been cemented in history.
The unwanted, unloved merchandise that no one asked for will have a foundational layer in the landfills of the world. Scholars will be excavating colorful plush birds and children's clothing that no child would wear if their impressionable minds had a say in what their negligent parents dug out of Wal-Mart's clearance bin. The Angry Birds period will be a brief one, but a pivotal one.
For now, thanks to the groundwork laid by Angry Birds, every mobile game will be chomping at the bit; eager for their chance at the spotlight, their chance to get their sweatshop full of unpaid starving brown children revved up and pumping out cheap, worthless shit to stock store shelves with. Little Timmy plays that bird game on his phone, right? Look, let's buy him these Angry Birds bed sheets. The perfect gift to keep him warm in the winter, and a permanent social outcast in the summer and for the rest of his life until he dies young in a pool of his own blood, shortly before the SWAT team has to drag his lifeless body out from the school hallways.
Thank you, Finnish game developer Rovio Entertainment, acclaimed developers of the Angry Birds franchise. Without you, the mobile industry would be lost. We would still have no clue how to spend our time on the toilet. We'd still have to sit there and contemplate the emptiness of our purposeless lives. Thanks to you, the harsh truths of the universe will never nag at our subconscious thoughts ever again.
Time alone with ourselves, to meditate and find the path to true nirvana, is completely overrated. Finding peace within our souls and attaining a true understanding of the mysteries of this life is nowhere near the simple bliss of flinging tiny birds to their deaths. Our lives are not complete without this juggernaut of entertainment, spanning multiple video games, a movie, and billions in cheap plastic merchandise.
This is truly a perfect example of the American Dream, to start out from the very bottom and ruthlessly beat a simple concept into the ground until its maggot-ridden body is limp and squishy enough to be raped until there's enough gallons of semen in it to the point that it looks like its innards were never beaten out of it in the first place. Then all you gotta do is prop it up, put a little hat on it, and by golly you've got yourself the next big thing.
From the bottom of our hearts, from every gamer on Earth to you, Rovio. Thank you. Thank you, Rovio. Thank you for all you've done. Your service will never be forgotten. Amen.