Now I'm not saying Shrek could beat Superman in a fight, I'm sure all the pissy Superman fanboys would hop to his defense like the insecure little pussies they are. I'm just saying, Shrek is much more intellectual.
Published November 21st 2017
Superheroes are a staple of American pop culture. Everyone fucking loves superheroes. They're just a fun concept. A regular hero, but better. Super.
The people behind superheroes, the people at DC and Marvel, they've amazed and inspired generations with their characters. The people that design the heroes, the people that draw them, animate them, voice them, act them. All the magic that goes into it is truly astounding.
But there's no one I look up to more than the writers. They, truly, are the backbone of the business. I, myself, am a writer. And nothing is truly quite as impressive as the thought-provoking stories they come up with.
What if Superman was evil? That is the premise explored in Injustice: Gods Among Us, NetherRealm's other Mortal Kombat, for the Xbox 360, PS3, and fancy next-gen Wii U and PS4. Wii U, obviously, is the definitive console though. You can't play Injustice and take a shit at the same time on PS4.
So he's evil. So evil. Like really, really evil. Literally Hitler, but not in an angry liberal way. He actually uses his laser eyes to roast Jews in the game. Lex Luthor and the Joker? Both Jews. Luthorstein because he got all the money and Jokervich because the nose.
And then after Superman turns evil, everyone has to beat him up until he's dead. And that's it. That's the story. And after that? How does this series of events impact every character, how will they move on? Well, they don't have to.
This is all an alternate universe, none of it has any real impact on anything. Yeah, Superman killed all the Jews. But in another dimension, he didn't. And in yet another, he is Jewish. None of it really matters.
And these writers over at DC are being paid a real nice salary just to come up with this shit. How can I, a much more talented writer, get paid as much as them just to pull shit out of my ass? They truly are my idols. If I could be paid a livable wage just to imagine simple what-if scenarios for men that wear their underwear on the outside of their pants, I would definitely sell out.
The game, the game is pretty alright. It's literally Mortal Kombat, except no one gets their heart ripped out through their asshole and force fed down their throat until it shoots out their dickhole. So like a 2D fighting game, but you can also punch people through walls and shit. Good shit.
But this lazy, half-assed writing that literally anyone could do, that is the problem holding this game back. What if Batman was evil? What if Spiderman was evil? What if Aquaman was evil, and had a better power than surviving the crippling pressure of dolphin ejaculations? Did you know that it would kill you if a dolphin nutted in you? It would. But not Aquaman. He's gifted.
What if Wonder Woman was exactly how she normally is, but her arms were chopped off in an arm chopping accident, and now whenever she uses her magic lasso thing she has to shoot it from her vagina? Like she just squirts it out, like Spiderman. Because her arms are little stumps. Also she can't fly anymore since her arms are stumps and she can't wave them anymore to fly, so she uses her cunt rope to swing around. Also just like Spiderman. So she's basically Spiderman but can only shoot a single web from her between her legs. And she has to suck it back in every time she shoots it out.
See, anyone can just come up with this shit. But if DC had any real writers, they would be able to work that simple concept into something real. Like Shrek Forever After.
In DreamWorks' hit classic, Shrek Forever After, they pose the simple question. What if Shrek and Fiona never met? What if Shrek had never saved her, what if he never existed? A chilling proposition, to say the least. But they go beyond that.
Not only do they explore the world without Shrek, they force him to examine himself, and his inner demons. Shrek has to look within himself, realize what he's become and what he truly holds dear, and make a change. It isn't some flashy, meaningless superhero gangbang. Shrek Forever After explores a serious moment in Shrek's life, and he becomes a better ogre for it. At the end of the movie, something has happened. Forever After is not a throwaway story from a different universe. It happened, and it changed things.
At the end of Injustice, how has the world of DC's heroes changed? It hasn't. No one has grown. No one has changed. No real consequences ever need to be explored. Superman hates Jews, but that's not a problem. We'll keep that in a different universe, so regular Superman doesn't need to publicly apologize for his antisemitic remarks. That's just easier writing.
How his antisemitism changes his dynamic with his blind, deaf, and mute girlfriend doesn't matter. The Flash, DC's most proud Aryan, how would he look at Superman now? We don't need to worry about that. It's a different universe.
Shrek didn't get another universe. Shrek had to carry that burden. Shrek had to look into the void, rip his beating heart out of his shadow's chest, and make room within the hollow husk of his being to find a place for it. A part of Shrek died and he'll never get it back. He'll never be the ogre he once was. And there's no magic reset button, no alternate universe we can just flip to now, just to make sure nothing substantial ever happens.
Is Shrek Forever After a better story than Injustice? I can say without a sliver of doubt, yes. I would stake my integrity as a writer on it.
Would Shrek Forever After make a better fighting game? I can say, again, with not even a hint of doubt, absolutely. I would stake my dick in it.
In the end, Injustice is a great Mortal Kombat clone, but it just has no substance. Not that fighting games ever have any substance at all, even remotely. But to see that things like Injustice keep getting made, while classics like Shrek Forever After never get their well-deserved NetherRealm fighting game?
It's disappointing, and upsetting. It pains me to see the industry's clear disregard for art in this way.
One day, though. We'll tell Shrek's story, with all the cinematic and quick-time events it rightfully deserves.