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Fist Me Harder, Daddy

I fucking hate that stupid Swedish fuck.

Haha, how's it going bros, my name is Waaaaaffle King.

Today, we'll be looking at the next biggest app to hit the mobile market since Miitomo. Remember that one? Classic game.

Everyone's favorite Youtube channel now has an official game. That's right, Smosh. Yep, Smosh finally got their shit together and made a game. It wasn't a scam after all, folks.

Look at this stupid fucking face.

Just kidding. It's actually a game from everyone's, uh, least favorite Youtuber. PewDiePie. Yeah, ew.

Somehow, someone thought it was a great idea to let this fucking guy have a game. Whoever allowed this should be fired, and needs to be dropkicked into a volcano.

PewDiePie's Tuber Simulator is a game all about building your very own Youtube empire just like his. Except even if you're only clicking buttons on your phone while you're taking a dump, you'll probably still have way more talent than he'll ever have.

It's just like real Youtube.

I don't get why PewDiePie is such a big deal, I mean really, he doesn't even do anything. He doesn't have any real talent, he just gets by because he has a cute face. Do you think he'd have half as many subscribers if he was just making his usual shitty videos but was an ugly inbred Jap like Filthy Frank? I don't think so. Filthy Frank looks like shit.

He looks like the guy that runs the nail salon my mom goes to. Only like, if he had Down's Syndrome, raped his sister, and they tried to abort it but it didn't quite turn out right. And she also had Zika virus so his head is fucking deformed. And then that crippled child grew up to be a meth addict. I'm pretty sure I just summed up Frank's life story right there.

And yet he's a successful, popular Youtube nonetheless. He has talent. He's like the Asian Stevie Wonder. PewDiePie ain't shit. If PewDiePie was such a big deal, why is it called Tuber Simulator and not Youtube Simulator? If he's making a billion dollars playing Minecraft or whatever the fuck he does, you'd think the rights to use the Youtube name would be easy for him to get. But no, we get fucking Tuber. Like the shitty Walmart brand Youtube. Thanks, Pewds.

Classic Pewds humor.

At its core, Tuber Simulator is a game about resource management and waiting. Click a button to start making a video. Wait for it to finish, use the views you get from it to buy stuff for your room. Wait for it to arrive. Getting things will make you level up. Get a different kind of premium currency, "Bux", as you level up for buying other things, or to get things with your views faster to level up faster. Get skill points for your skill tree with each level, make all of the other steps faster or more efficient with your skills. Rinse, repeat.

Buying furniture to customize your room is how you level up, which I thought was kinda weird. You'd think subscribers would be how one levels up, you know? Increasing your fan base, making a bigger name for yourself. But you know it really kinda makes sense for PewDiePie to prioritize buying things over his fans. You know, because he's a talentless sell-out that plays like Minecraft and shit all the time and isn't even funny and is stupid and Swedish and stupid. Of course he would prioritize stuffing his stupid face with his stupid Swedish meatballs or whatever the fuck Swedes eat over in Sweden instead of bonding with his fans.

Of course you can buy in-game "Bux" with your real money too, because it's not a mobile game without shamelessly charging someone $100 for in-game dollars to buy an in-game cow or whatever stupid shit you gotta decorate your room with. And why are they called "Bux", huh? You can't just call them dollars or something? You gotta be cute with your little names, huh? Fuck you, Pewds. This is America, we use dollars. We don't use "Bux" like you do in Swedan, Pewds.

Fucking Swede

Look at his dumb pixelated face and dumb Swedish talk. I fucking hate him. His stupid videos and his stupid cash-grab mobile game. He doesn't care about his fans at all, he only cares about making us buy his stupid Swedish "Bux" and watch his stupid videos. He's not in it for the art.

You know a great Youtube channel that isn't in it for the money, h3h3Productions. You know, Ethan? The channel with the fat, autistic, middle-aged Jew guy? He's like 50 but prances around like he just got off the middle school short bus?

Ethan is a fucking Jew, it's in his blood to try and take our shekels. But he's not putting out some weak-ass Minecraft shit or anything. He really tries in his videos. They might not all be funny, I mean most of them aren't. But you can tell he's trying his best given his handicap.

If the option to pay real money for in-game junk wasn't bad enough, you got these fucking ads.

Greedy Jew

PewDiePie, more like JewDiePie, am I right? Ha. Ha ha.

The ads aren't mandatory, you can do them to increase your views or decrease the wait time for the furniture you order. But like, if you don't watch them, you gotta wait that much more for anything to happen. Which is boring.

Aside from that, yeah, it's a pretty alright game. If you only play it while on the toilet, it doesn't really feel like you're waiting at all. The game's simple pleasures of decorating your room and customizing your avatar are nice, there's a little pug mini-game to speed things up, and you can rate other people's rooms. Different quests you can get everyday also help to give you a little something else to do while you wait for things to happen.

Hahahaha, it's over 9000.

Hahahahaha, look at that. Get over 9000 subs, hahahaha. That's a nice meme, Pewds. Great reference to 20-fucking-09. It's great to know that you're still on the cutting edge of what's funny. Learn some new memes why don't you, fucking unfunny little cunt. Like, uh, Harambe? That's a funny new meme. The gorilla that got shot? Lol, dicks out for Harambe guys, lol. Maybe if Pewds learned to use fresh memes only he could be funny again. As if Pewds was ever funny in the first place. Which he wasn't.

It's really not a bad game though, in spite of Pewds being in it. It helped pass the time when I was stuck at my dumb, wealthy, redneck aunt's gluten-free, non-GMO birthday party. I was on the couch playing this shit for like five hours so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone. And they kept offering me gluten-free meatballs. I didn't want any fucking gluten-free meatballs.

It definitely got the job done. It's a pretty fun game in the same vein as Fallout Shelter or any of the other micromanaging simulator games you can download on your phone. And it's great to see someone make it big off of Youtube and get their own quality game, you know?

And he's got his pugs in here too, of course.

Just, why PewDiePie of all people? Talentless fucking Swedish fuck. Literally anyone else would've been great. Like Leafy. Imagine Leafy simulator. Instead of subs you'd have a body count of how many people you cyber-bullied into killing themselves. That'd be metal as fuck, dude.

They could give a game to that one cancer survivor kid that no one cared about until he roasted Leafy. They gotta get the Make-A-Wish Foundation in on that, dude, it'd be like the biggest thing for cancer patients. Imagine a bunch of little kids dying of cancer all in their hospital beds playing "I'm Gay" Simulator or whatever his name is. People would donate their money to that for sure.

Or that one other guy that's in Filthy Frank videos. The one with an accent. He's alright. He'd make a better game than PewDiePie that's for sure. Fucking PewDiePie. I could make a better game and a better Youtube channel than PewDiePie. The only reason I didn't do it yet is, uh, because I didn't feel like it, duh.

The game's social features and customizing is definitely its biggest draw. I'd say all of PewDiePie's classic humor and fan service is in here too, which it is, but that would imply he was funny or had fans. Which he doesn't.

Tuber Simulator's only real problem, aside from being a PewDiePie game, is the exact same issue almost every mobile game ends up suffering from. It's a very disposable experience. It's great for playing in short bursts, but it ultimately doesn't have much actual substance to it aside from consuming either your time or money waiting for meaningless in-game stuff to happen.

It's definitely entertaining though. I mean I haven't uninstalled it yet, and I've been playing it for a while, so it has that going for it.

But fuck PewDiePie. That fucking Swede. Stupid fucking Swede. I hate him. I hate that guy so much.

Fuck you Pewds. Fuck your fucking face.