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14 Years Is Probably Legal If They Have Tentacles

Look, I don't make the rules here, this is just how the laws work in Japan.

Splatoon was a surprise hit for Nintendo back on the Wii U. It was a fresh IP on a dying console, and yet it was still a huge success for them.

Wild how anything can be big in Japan if it has little girls and tentacles.

So it comes as no surprise that Nintendo was hard at work whipping up Splatoon 2 for their latest console, the Nintendo Switch. My only question is, how much work did they actually put in?

I love splattering

Splatoon 2 is a great game. It brings all the hectic, feel-good fun of Splatoon, but in portable form, with enough touches and retouches to make it an improvement over the original.

Weapons and specials are more balanced, all of the content that was free DLC in the first is now here at the start, and there's a new Nazi Zombies mode to give you a break from splatting little girls.

But aside from the new Nazis you need to ink up, Splatoon 2 doesn't feel like a new game. To call the game samey would be an understatement. It feels like the first game almost to a T. A Splatoon: Hentai of the Year Edition, but reskinned to be the sequel.

Rolling Around at the Speed of Sound

The game's single player campaign feels much more fleshed out in terms of introducing new weapons and gameplay elements that one would encounter in the multiplayer, but still follows a sort of puzzle-platformer kind of theme.

While the level design shows a clear improvement, the levels also all feel like they could've easily been in the first Splatoon. Like it could've just been DLC or something, really.

Graphically, the game also looks brighter. And the cum definitely has a strong consistency. Just look at this bukkake.

big cume

That's a big cum, my dude. And it's got some shiny, thick texture now. New lighting or something.

That's really all Splatoon 2 really brings to the table. It's Splatoon 1, but you don't need to wait for the full game to come out, and it's actually pretty balanced.

Some kind of local multiplayer that didn't require multiple consoles would've been nice, it is a home console and all. I know it's very online-oriented, but like at least two players? Co-op at least?

That's literally the Switch's biggest selling point, it's the only console that you can still play local multiplayer on with games that aren't fucking Lego games.

The eternal struggle, little girls vs. probably legal girls

Nintendo has stayed true to their character design though, and the game's style and charm are as strong as they were.

It's as satisfying as ever to fight for the honor of your imaginary squid wife that you masturbate to, though Splatoon 2 has left the sisterly duo from the last game behind in favor of a new war between flat-chested girls and big tiddy girls.

And even with all that, with the fantastic new Nazi Bukkake mode and everything, while the aesthetics and gameplay are still incredibly well-done, it still doesn't really feel like a true sequel. It feels like a half-step more than anything.

Nazi Zombies is really the best new addition

But at the end of the day, who's really going to notice? Only one Wii U system was ever made, and all the different players all had to share that one console just to play Splatoon 1. They couldn't have played it for more than a few hours, and I doubt they remember anything about it.

I wouldn't call Splatoon 2's likeness to the first to be a detractor really, it's more impressive than anything that the FBI haven't raided them for all of their extensive knowledge on little girl fashion. Like that's gotta be illegal, right? Whoever designs the swimsuits for babies must be in prison. Just think about it.

How does one even find themselves in a career designing swimsuits for infants and toddlers without being put on a sex offender list? Like either some guy is specially designing swim suits for kiddies, or some guy is in charge of looking at normal swimsuits and then saying "Ah, yes, this one would look great on a small child".

Like how does that interview even go? Do you have to apply for the position, is that something you need to earn? What kind of qualifications are there?

Either way, Japan is definitely all over that. They've got the market splattered.