When Nintendo first announced Pokémon Sword and Shield, they were met with mixed reactions. A lot of things were changing, and not all of them seemed to be for the better. Less Pokémon, less content, seemingly the same level of graphics we’d grown to expect from a 3DS game, something just wasn’t adding up.
But there’s no longer a need to worry, Game Freak and Nintendo have just dropped some major news. All of the things they fucked up on, it’ll all be fixed as long as you pay for their new monthly premium Pokémon experience.
With the newly announced Pokémon Master Pass, players will be able to capture, train, and battle all 890+ Pokémon in the National Dex, as well as access a number of other features only available to Master Pass owners.
“We realize that many Pokémon fans are unhappy with the current experience. However, please understand that designing and animating over one thousand different models is extremely time-consuming. But with this new paid premium membership, we will be able to afford the coke and prostitutes necessary to keep studio morale up in order to make our vision possible. Please understand” Junichi Masuda, producer of Sword and Shield, told us in an exclusive interview.
While the primary benefit of unlocking the National Dex seems to be the main pull, many other quality of life additions will be made, including offering higher resolution textures, and being taken off of the government watch list for jerking off to cartoon children.
The Master Pass will be released early Spring 2020, just in time to keep you busy until the next game is announced and rushed through production for next year’s holiday season.
What is a soul? What
does it mean to carry on a legacy, a lineage? The deep, metaphorical themes
that intertwine with the stories of our life?
Do my memories make
me who I am? The way I think? The way I look? The thematic elements of my
Whatever it is,
Fallout 76 fucked up everything and is complete and utter dogshit.
Fallout 76 is a
poorly put together shitstack cobbled out of regurgitated Bethesda assets.
Bethesda does not actually know how to make games, they only know how to make
one game, and Fallout 76 is a badly made version of that game.
I don’t like to beat
dead horses. I don’t like to circlejerk. I didn’t want to be part of the
circlejerk. I was hoping to give Fallout 76 a fair chance, I wanted to analyze
it and understand its flaws. I wanted to break it down as I would any other
game and judge it based on its own merits. But it’s literally just a shitty
Bethesda game. All of the flaws from every Bethesda game, but now all boiled
down into one big cancerous Bethesda tumor.
I was hopeful.
“Massively multiplayer Fallout Battle Royale” was a good hook. It
really was. I liked the idea of dicking around in a Fallout world with friends.
I was actually kind of excited for it. I loved a lot of controversial
installments in other franchises. The Legend of Zelda: Triforce Heroes boils
down what makes Zelda games fun into a multiplayer experience. Super Paper
Mario, while not a traditional Paper Mario RPG, fully captures the charm of the
Paper Mario games. Fallout 76 doesn’t really do anything for the franchise.
It doesn’t capture
what makes the Fallout universe compelling, and it really doesn’t function well
as either an RPG or a shooter. So what was the point of the game? Who was it
made for? It wasn’t made to satisfy fans of Fallout’s gameplay or charm. It wasn’t
made for fans of RPG games, or shooters. And while it functions as a mediocre
online game, I wouldn’t even recommend it as something to play with friends.
No, Fallout 76 was
made for two groups. The people in suits, and the weak-jawed bugmen that
collect shitty mass-produced plastic figures because they have a certain
character or series on them. The worshippers of new age brand cults, the
religions of the commercial capitalist age, dedicating their lives to the
escapist fantasies that line the pockets of the people in suits. Fallout 76 was
made to sell toys, and t-shirts. It was made to be another installment for the
bugmen to collect and another product for the suits to ship.
“But it’s fun
with friends” is the only defense that Fallout 76 players can really stand
behind, and even then, it’s not a good one. Everything is better with friends.
Every video game in
the history of video games is better with friends. When they played with rocks
and sticks before they invented better games? Better with friends. Playing
freeze tag in traffic? Better with friends. Drinking to drown out the dark
cloud of misery and sorrow hanging over you ever since your wife took the kids
and half of everything you own? Better with friends. Getting jumped by human
traffickers in South America and sold into slavery? Better with friends.
multiplayer market isn’t just ripe with games to play, it’s oversaturated.
There’s too many online games to play, and they’re all trying to throw some
vague novelty your way to keep you invested long enough to pay for some
microtransactions. With so many games trying their hardest to be relevant for
their fifteen seconds of fame, why would you give your attention to Fallout 76
just because it has Fallout in the name?
Why would you do
Fallout the disservice of supporting a shallow cash grab when you’re only
encouraging Bethesda to whore it out more? Is the Star Wars Holiday Special a
true Star Wars movie? When they drop the Holiday Special from the lore and bury
their embarrassment in the annals of history, is it still Star Wars? What makes
it any different from my fanfiction where Darth Vader uses the force choke on
Chewbacca’s red, throbbing dick? If I’m more faithful to the lore, and more
respectful to the spirit of Star Wars, what makes my work less Star Wars than
the Holiday Special?
What is it that
separates us, the fans and the suits? Paperwork, red tape, legislature, and
legalese that break down the concept of idea ownership. But should ideas truly
be owned? To whom should the future of a franchise be entrusted to? Do fans
that complain of Bethesda maiming and driving Fallout into the ground have the
right, the same way Tumblr cretins have the right to disfigure characters into
engorged, racially ambiguous reflections of the inner workings of their autism?
lore, and the lore of many other franchises be treated better if they were
allowed to lapse into public domain? Perhaps.
And perhaps one day
my mature reboot of the Thomas the Tank Engine world and its lore will be
accepted as canon. In a perfect world, my trainsona will finally hack that
asshole Gordon in half with his katana.