Fires have been raging across the Amazon rainforest, destroying one of the most precious and important ecosystems on our planet. Experts have been calling for conservation efforts to try and save it, raising money and getting in touch with politicians. But the man in charge just will not budge on the matter.
Super Mario. He just hates forest. Can’t stand them. Doesn’t want any of them. Rain forests? Fuck them. Deciduous? Fuck them too. Coniferous? Fuck them especially. Mario fucking hates forests. And he’s burning all of them down.
Authorities have tried to stop Mario, but he’s eluded capture and killed several members of law enforcement. Scientists fear that a doomsday scenario may be approaching, and that the forest may collapse upon itself any day now if Mario isn’t stopped.
Mario is considered armed and dangerous, and it’s urged that we all leave this to the proper authorities so that no one else is hurt. It’s imperative that we all remain calm in this situation.
There’s been serious controversy lately on white washing characters and having proper representation of minorities in media. Disney’s upcoming remake of The Little Mermaid, and various debates over Pokémon Gym Leaders have ravaged the internet.
Nintendo, ever the conservative company, has been taking steps to broaden their appeal to a wider demographic. They’ve been including more diverse characters in their games, and have been catering to other audiences besides autistic white children.
Their latest push, making Toad black. In their upcoming live action remake of Super Mario 64, using face rendering tech similar to what Kojima used to put Norman Reedus into Death Stranding, Toad will be played by Lil Wayne. Super Mario himself will be played by Danny Devito.
This drastic shift for the Mushroom Kingdom cast will no doubt stir controversy, but Nintendo is already prepped for such a backlash.
“If you look at it, I think Toad has always been a black character” said Miyamoto, who will be overseeing the new project. “Toad has always been a character that has faced great hardships, and has bounced back. In the original Super Mario, Goombas were just Toads that were enslaved with Bowser’s magic. And Bowser is definitely white.”
Super Mario 64 HD will be a Nintendo Switch Lite exclusive and launch with the console exclusively. If you attempt to put the game chip into a regular Switch, you will be charged with a hate crime.